I have this neighbor. Okay, I have many neighbors, but I’m speaking of one in particular. Now this particular neighbor lives directly across the street from me. And she has…let’s call it weird…tastes in decorating.
First off, her house suffers from severe structural degradation as well as massive damage sustained in a recent storm. She – let’s call her Zuul, because there is no neighbor, only Zuul – she has not made any repairs to her house since the storm (or before). Now look. I’m not one of those people who goes around gossiping about neighbors and pressuring them to maintain their homes to a certain standard. Frankly, I don’t give a shit. Maybe I should, but I don’t. Never have. It’s her house, not mine. And I certainly don’t want to be held to anyone else’s standard(s) myself. All of this is coming around to a point, damnit.
So yeah. Back to the story. Her garage collapsed before the storm – she did actually have a buddy haul those remains away after a couple of years. Her roof has had bright blue tarps covering 72.6% of the roof for a year now (that’s an accurate statistic. I did a study. With engineers and everything. I paid them. With cookies and tequila.). Her porch is collapsing, due to rotting columns and a holey roof. Her fence collapsed years ago, its remains still lying where they fell in battle. Against fence ogres. Anyway. I think you’re getting the idea.
But dude. She does have money – whether hers or borrowed – money is not an issue for Neighborzuul (Zuulbor?). You know how I know? She bought a car. Shortly after the storm, she bought a brand new car. The kind with a price in excess of forty grand. She parks it in the driveway next to her two suburbans and her antique bug. And she’s constantly landscaping and re-landscaping.
There are these buckets of flowers everywhere. And a hammock. In the front yard. With one of those old bright green, rusted to within an inch of its lifeless life, round, metal tables with the matching chairs that aren’t rocking chairs but rock anyway. With a red and yellow tablecloth between the surface of the table and another – this one blue – bucket of flowers. There are hanging flowers. Bird feeders. A bird bath. Buckets and cans, some with flowers, some without. There’s a sawhorse. Just sitting there with no discernible purpose.
For the most part, I just smile and shake my head. But dude. DUDE. The latest edition just blows my mind! Sometime in mid-August, Zuul installed some ground lights in the flower bushes adjacent to her porch. And these lights are…wait for it. Wait for it. These lights are LIME GREEN. I shit you not. My first thought was maybe this is some Halloween thing, but I quickly dismissed that because AUGUST. Oh yeah, and she still has a giant pink and baby blue Easter wreath adorning her front door. I can’t make this shit up!
So now, late at night, when all is dark and quiet…you can look outside and see the abode of the Gatekeeper. Zuul is totally preparing for the second-coming of Gozer. Eerie lime-green light cast upward at the rotting columns of the dilapidated minimanse.
Because my neighbor is a fucking member of the Cult of Gozer. Because Ghostbusters. And more importantly because I fear the Staypuft Marshmallow Man (it’s not like I own a fucking proton pack). For all of these reasons, I have a newfound respect for Neighborzuul. Do you, Neighborzuul. Do you.