Just a little unwell

Disclaimer: This post addresses mental illness and suicidal thoughts. Please read with caution and/or avoid if you are wary of triggers. Please also know that this is an outlet for me to vent; it is not a cry for help. We’re all here, blogging, as an outlet for something or other. Sometimes mine will be deeply personal. Today is one of those days.

~

The title of my post is totally telling on myself. (I say totally a lot. Get with the times, man.)

“I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell…”

You know. That little lyric from some Matchbox 20 song? I started to be embarrassed:

(a) That I quoted a Matchbox 20 song, and
(2) That I actually kinda liked some of the songs from that one album that time.

And then I said, well you know what? Fuck it! I used to like some Matchbox 20 songs! Kiss my ass! (Yeah, I’m still blushing. Suck it.)

Sometimes (nearly every day) I become convinced that I’m losing – or have already lost – huge irreplaceable chunks of my mind. Do you ever feel that way? No? Fuck me, that’s further proof, innit?

Time for a Tasters’ Choice Moment. So get ready to be made uncomfortable, or just run. Now. And far.

Why do I feel crazy unwell? Allow me to count the ways:

  1. I talk to myself. Okay, look. I’m not the only one that does this at work. I talk to my computer or mumble to myself sometimes when I’m trying to work something out. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. I mean, I stand in front of a mirror and look that bitch straight in the eyes and tell her what a no good piece of shit she is. And then I enumerate the reasons. One by painful, sickening one. And I rage and cry and shake, this wild look in my eyes. It’s sick and twisted and so fucking insanely unhealthy. And I just. Keep. Doing it.
  2. Every single day, I harbor thoughts of death. And I don’t know whether this distinction will make any sense (or any difference) to potential readers, but…it’s not that I want to kill myself. I don’t. It’s that I no longer wish to be alive. Here. On this Earth. With no meaning. No purpose.
  3. Do you ever look at a coworker and (while she’s running her mouth) scream inside your head, “GO EAT A BAG OF DICKS AND JUMP INTO A FLAMING PILE OF FLAMINGO SHIT ALREADY!” Okay, somehow I don’t think this one makes me crazy. I think this one is perfectly normal.
  4. I sometimes sit on the floor, in the corner, at home. Curled up. For an hour or more. Staring off into space and crying. Oh yeah, we’re back into abnormal territory now, baby!
  5. Lately I have nightmares or bad dreams every night. This has been going on for a few weeks now. They used to be more sporadic. But they’ve been every night of late. They’re either really fucked up superscary, dark and terrifying shit. Or they’re really fucked up shit from my childhood. Which, for some reason, my lovely little healthy brain has decided to revisit and replay in sickening detail. Over. And over. And over again. My brain is a fucking asshole.

I need to get back to nature. I’m craving it. Viscerally. I need to get the hiking boots out, dust off the tent and return to the wilderness soon. To remind myself that I have a soul. And to reconnect with it. To commune with nature and be at peace. To feel alive.

*Please know I’m neither soliciting nor hoping for sympathy or the telephone number for National Suicide Prevention. In fact, for those in need, that number is: 1 (800) 273-8255. If you feel that low, call. Call now. I will also kindly direct you to thoughtfully read this.

I just needed to vent,Ā  y’all. I really needed to vent today. And hell, I may not be done. I may be back for more. We’ll see.

Thank you, for listening.

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13 thoughts on “Just a little unwell

  1. I can so relate to what you have said and how you feel. Worlds apart but it seems the same happens all over the world.
    I wish I could express myself in words like you do.
    Kind regards from a very hot and sunny South Africa.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well hello South Africa, from a finally cooling off Southern U.S! Thank you for your words – I really do appreciate it. And, for what it’s worth, you seem to express yourself just fine.

      I tried following you to your blog, but it seems there isn’t one anymore?

      Like

      1. I understand. I’m still struggling to make blogging here a habit. I keep having to remind myself that it doesn’t matter what I write or whether it’s even good by anyone’s standards. I just need an outlet. It’s such a lovely and welcome bonus to meet people like you here. šŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Listning to the song by Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush……….

    “Don’t Give Up”

    in this proud land we grew up strong
    we were wanted all along
    I was taught to fight, taught to win
    I never thought I could fail

    no fight left or so it seems
    I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
    I’ve changed my face, I’ve changed my name
    but no one wants you when you lose

    don’t give up
    ‘cos you have friends
    don’t give up
    you’re not beaten yet
    don’t give up
    I know you can make it good

    though I saw it all around
    never thought I could be affected
    thought that we’d be the last to go
    it is so strange the way things turn

    drove the night toward my home
    the place that I was born, on the lakeside
    as daylight broke, I saw the earth
    the trees had burned down to the ground

    don’t give up
    you still have us
    don’t give up
    we don’t need much of anything
    don’t give up
    ’cause somewhere there’s a place
    where we belong

    rest your head
    you worry too much
    it’s going to be alright
    when times get rough
    you can fall back on us
    don’t give up
    please don’t give up

    ‘got to walk out of here
    I can’t take anymore
    going to stand on that bridge
    keep my eyes down below
    whatever may come
    and whatever may go
    that river’s flowing
    that river’s flowing

    moved on to another town
    tried hard to settle down
    for every job, so many men
    so many men no-one needs

    don’t give up
    ’cause you have friends
    don’t give up
    you’re not the only one
    don’t give up
    no reason to be ashamed
    don’t give up
    you still have us
    don’t give up now
    we’re proud of who you are
    don’t give up
    you know it’s never been easy
    don’t give up
    ’cause I believe there’s a place
    there’s a place where we belong

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, listening to certain ones can be cathartic. But others, I find, are a bit riskier for me to listen to. There are some I have to avoid altogether. Kudos to you for focusing on the beautiful things, the best memories. I’m a work in progress on that front…but that’s all we can do is keep on trying, right? šŸ™‚

      Like

  3. I am sure that the work in progress will turn out a masterpiece ( never give up!!)………..and I am glad that I came across your blog , I am looking so forward to read more from you, and to get to know you. Have a wonderful day , as its already evening here , and the sun will set in about an hour and a half.

    Liked by 1 person

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