I deserve toys, too: The things that matter most

I’ve decided to stage a boycott of all major fast food restaurants. Or at least the ones that serve kids’ meals with those cheap little toys.

“Oh, Stephanie,” you exclaim with watering eyes and upturned brows, hands clasped to your chest. “You’ve finally turned your back on the mystery meat that is McDonald’s “chicken” nuggets. No longer will your lips taste the greasy goodness of the pink mystery sludge patted into burger shaped rounds.” Your breast will swell with pride as you fiercely hug me to you.

Oh how wrong you are, sweet naive friends. How wrong you are. I’m talking about the things that matter most!

You see, I’ve finally had enough of the rampant discrimination perpetrated by the like of McDonald’s and Burger King. No more will I sit in silence, tacitly agreeing to their shameless exclusion of 67.314% of the population.

I want, nay, demand toys for adults in our meals. Why should children be the only ones to experience the utter delight of ripping open a tiny plastic package to reveal the colorful minitreasure inside, so lovingly crafted by outsourced child labor in third world countries?

Adults of the world, unite! Boycott these purveyors of sub-par grub until they acquiesce to our demands!

We should open the grease-stained sacks of our number three combos and find our own little treasures. Trea1435940551-0sures like:

~ A mini bottle of Sutter Home wine.
~ A packet of Excedrin Migraine.
~ A sticky note pad and Sharpie so you can leave Passive Aggressive Notes on windshields of no-parking sonsofbitches.
~ A bottle of nail polish.
~ A tube of hemorrhoid cream.
~ A muzzle for that one pesky coworker (or kid) that just won’t shut the fuck up.

Imagine the possibilities! I know you’re with me on this! Stand up, raise your fists into the air and tell those motherfuckers we deserve toys, too!

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62 thoughts on “I deserve toys, too: The things that matter most

    1. Lunch yesterday, my Saturday, was. Uhm. I’m wondering whether I actually ate lunch yesterday. 😐 But today I’ll have barbecue pork loin and boudin. More like a late lunch/early dinner…that’s one I’m looking forward to. I hope you get some good food soon!

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  1. Stephellaneous I didn’t think anything could make me laugh today but you did. In my happy meal, I would have a growler of Alaskan Amber, torilla chips with mango salsa, also Excedrin, maybe some Pepcid AC, a copy of Yes Please by Amy Poehler and some candy cigarettes.

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      1. I don’t know what any of that means. I read, “I’m offering you a shitton of liquor. You want?” And to that I say, “Yes, please and thank you. Let’s do this!” At least until I start tyoping lyk thies. Then I’ve probably (definitely) had too much. 😉

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      2. Aw why not?! Kidding (mostly). As a general rule, I don’t curse in front of kids (say…younger than 12). And I usually reserve the best ones like “fuck” and “bitchwhore” for the Internet. See, y’all are special to me. 😉

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      3. Okay, you’re bad. Heh. My “badness” is mostly in my head. I will say, though, that when I’ve been insulted by kids – I usually tell them to try harder. They have to be smart for a dig to land. Strangely, when I encourage them to try harder, they stop. 😉

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      4. Well I meant between work. I do private and corporate parties when they come up and clients around that and my boring day stuff. I tend not to use the word party as a verb. If I drink I drink I don’t go wild. Lol

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      5. I mostly drink water and juice, really. I mean, I have alcohol in my fridge…but it tends to sit there for a while. Work..how to describe without blasting my place of employment to the whole WW? Hm. I’m in marketing and database marketing. Woo. 🙂

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      6. Oddly enough that is about the same thing that I do. I work for a neanderthal that is too much to describe briefly. I made his business, legal, legit, up to code, do marketing, website design, media and then he gets crazy on me and others

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      7. Well this is a small business where the man child owner is an addict, thinks he is the only one that can do anything right, has temper tantrums and says don’t other me with whhatever he chooses then you get attacked for doing so. I always tape everything and turn it on him. He is also a juice head and knows despite weighing 65 pounds less I am stronger than him.He’s gonna get a beating one day soon 🙂

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