Weekend Woes

The edge of the weekend creeps ever closer. The clock on the wall ticks off the seconds, minutes, hours.

It won’t be long now.

It won’t be long, and I’ll doff my hoodie, throw my messenger bag over my shoulder and across my body, grab my keys and sunnies and begin the slow march toward the door.

Then out the door. Across the parking lot. To the car. And then the drive. I’ll pull into the driveway and leave the car idling for a few seconds, a minute, maybe five. Eyes kinda glazed over and staring at the house. With any luck, I won’t be crying.

I don’t want to go inside. Killing the engine and going into that house will open the gate I’ve firmly leaned against all week. Trying to keep myself sane enough to make it through work and tutoring.

But I’ll kill the engine, and that will kill a part of me. I’ll grab my bag, my hoodie, my keys. I’ll trudge up the porch and let myself into the house. I’ll lock the door behind me, carefully place my things on the chest in the living room. I’ll greet the kitties and make sure they’re fed and watered. No veggie patch tending today…the drought has finally broken, so it’s drizzling out.

I’ll crank the air down to arctic proportions. And then I’ll crawl into bed, work on finishing up FMAB this weekend, maybe. That, at least, would be better than laying huddled in the dark, allowing the darkness to take over again.

This is how I greet the weekend. And I am dreading it. This dread sits like an iron lead in my gut, but the closer the clock ticks to five, the more molten the iron ball gets. And it spreads and radiates through me until I can focus on nothing else.

I think I’m gonna be sick.

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45 thoughts on “Weekend Woes

  1. At least you can have some comfort in a thought that there is someone on the other side of the globe thinking of you , and hoping that your night is not just darkness………..

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for sharing your struggles with me. It’s a comforting feeling to know you’re not the only one. But it pains me for you, too. I made it inside in ten minutes this time. Good thing, cuz my neighbor peeked out his window. Heh.

      Thank you..and you aren’t alone, either.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Utter drag to find weekends so cumbersome. Would not be the case if I were there. Or you were here. Whichever.

    Silence is the hardest sound to listen to. I’ve climbed walls when left alone. That is, in fact, my default: I go stir crazy all alone, yet I keep asking for it. Odd stuff. I think right now I might be quite pleased for two whole days alone. Then again, I ran myself yesterday until I almost fainted from a drop in my blood sugar, so being alone in this state isn’t the best idea.

    Geez, Beeps, got a little ambivalence? Yep. It comes out when I’m alone. Mostly. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, precisely how I feel. I want to be alone. But..do I really? I do so much worse when alone. I retreat into the darkest corners and treat myself poorly. Being alone is the worst thing for me, yet here I am. You’re right…it wouldn’t be the case if we were alone together. We could raise some hell…heh. Thank you… πŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

      1. There seems a strange place in between the desire to be alone & the need to be with other people. Let’s meet up there sometimes. Hugs from NC. Xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No problem. Read that you were doing okay with cats and anime. Happy my comment helped.

        Yes, alone together. That’s about right. My bro and I have that; he’s around making enough noise that I know I’m not alone but he’s not in my face all the time. It comforts me. Of course, if you and I were together, I THINK there’d be more hell raising than if we were alone…a combustible combination. Do you ever take vacation? Ever think about a trip to the Netherlands? πŸ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

      3. lol! NL is the sly holiday…You don’t tell people you’re coming here ahead of time; they’ll give you the LOOK. Just come, stay, and when you go back tell them the cheese was great. ;-D

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Hahaha! Yeah, “oh you mean for the coffeehouses in Amsterdam?” Cue eye roll. I would probably struggle to keep the truth in: Who needs a coffeehouse across the pond for that? πŸ˜‰ But the cheese, now. That’s another matter!

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Hehehe. Seriously. People wonder why I’m fat. I don’t really eat that much – at least not compared to the average American. But Mary Jane and cheese (and all sorts of goodies) get along so well! πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Spaceghost quote: Cheese. That’ll block you up.

        You must come, must come, must come! What a time we’ll have. The place is teensy tiny but for YOU, doll, we’ll get a mattress to throw on the floor and DEAL. Besides, if we party all night (and I hope we party all night) we’ll want a hostel room anyway. Transport stops running to my house by midnight. Not when YOU’RE here. Uh-huh. πŸ˜‰ Get a place to crash and get crazy. I’m ready.

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Spaceghost, coast to coast!

        Yay! My very first invite to The Netherlands! Careful, I might be insane. Like steal your cheese, pee on your carpet insane. I did, after all, post a reference to Gene Simmons last night. And he’s a fucktard extraordinaire. That doesn’t bode well for my character.

        Party party. I haven’t partied in years. Hang on. I’m booking a flight. πŸ˜€

        Oh god I’m scatterbrained this morning. Look what you’ve done.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Oh man! Okay, I KNOW Gene Simmons is a fuck wad. He became a fuck wad when the make-up came off. As far as I’M concerned, if you post a pic with him in full KISS make-up you refer to the COOL Gene Simmons of long, long ago. And my brother’s a KISS fan. So, you may pass!

        Steal my cheese; there’s plenty. I don’t have carpets; fake hardwood floors so it’s an easy clean-up. And you never really forget HOW to party, you just become a lightweight. πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Haha, yay! I passed the KISS test. That sounds so weird. Just go with it.

        And I must confess I’m a total fucking lightweight now. Like, two shots and I stumble to the bathroom to pee every two point five minutes. God, half a j sends me to Saturn (those rings, man).

        Dude. That totally sounds like fun! πŸ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

      10. I’m a lightweight too, at least in drinking. And once I get on meds, I may – MAY become a lighter smoker. It would sure help with cash flow.

        πŸ˜€ It DOES sound like fun. Let the thought simmer. Sometimes when you do that, the thought becomes possible.

        Liked by 1 person

      11. Mm, too right. I let fear get in my way so so much. I can give you 200 thousand reasons why I could never do it, but it all really boils down to one: fear. Sick of being ruled by fear…so I’ll let it simmer. πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I would like to have some “alone” time, then realising that even when being surrounded by all the people at work and home , you can still be very alone.( I hope I am making sense)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. sounds like you need to go out and get some air….sign up for a class, get out of the rut of the weekend…do something different….out of your norm…I know you an do it…try it…even if its just waking around the busy mall….or sitting outside a park….kat

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Kat. You’re right…I know it would help me. I did look into local book clubs not too long ago…I only found one and it was very very niche. Maybe I can find something else, or, like you said – just hit up a park. πŸ™‚

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