How’s this for a Headline: Today Sucks Ass.

Today sucks ass. Seriously. In other news, it also blows.

I have a headache from hell. And I’ve also crashed hard from whatever high I was on last week. I’m back to hating the world and, more specifically, myself.

It’s a combination of things, I’m sure. For once, I felt dread building as the weekend drew to a close. That’s simultaneously a good thing and a bad thing. Good because it means I was dreading the right thing – work – instead of how I usually dread being alone with myself on the weekends. Bad because there’s nothing I can do about it. At least not so long as I need to work in hell. I mean Corporate America.

But it’s not only work. I can also feel the onset of holiday blues. Like what seems to be the majority of people, this used to be my favorite time of year.

Not so anymore. No.

What used to be my favorite holiday and day of the year – Thanksgiving – is now a day to dread. Spending Thanksgiving alone is not something to envy, peoplleaneous. No matter how hectic or stressful your holiday with family and friends may be, please…I implore you…please never tell one of us who spends it alone that we’re lucky. Please don’t do that. Because the last thing in the world that it feels like is a stroke of good fortune.

Last year, I cooked. For the first time in a while, I did it up. Big ass turkey, cornbread dressing, pecan pies…the works. It was a great diversion while the preparations lasted, which I managed to drag out for a few days. But it was bittersweet, of course. Things like that are meant to be shared. And though I have much to be thankful for, it’s difficult to dredge those reasons up during the ultimate season of family and togetherness.

Christmas was never great for me. It was usually a time spent in stark reminder of our poverty, as children. Mother’s palpable depression and feelings of failure, vociferously lamented. Sister whining and begging for things. Brother stealing any things he wanted but didn’t receive. Me in the middle trying to soothe broken spirits and remind them of what the holiday is supposed to be about. It never worked. I can only remember two Christmases that weren’t like that, but it was still there. In the background. Until everyone just say fuckitall and stopped getting together.

And now. Years later. They’re getting together, alright. Only…I’m no longer invited. In fact, I was informed that I’m specifically uninvited. Because I won’t can’t seem to forgive him. The one I’m supposed to call father.

November has arrived, and it’s all anyone wants to talk about today. At the office. November. Thanksgiving preparations. Gift buying. Black Friday plans. Pinterest recipes.

Yeah. It’s official. I’m back on the downswing, and I’m sad. I mean, really fucking sad. Wishing I hadn’t woken up this morning sad. Angry and Anxious and Depressed and Aching from arthritis and fibro (I mean what the fuck is that, anyway). Woo. I need to shut the fuck up with this whining and find something to do.

I’m gonna write about anime later, I think. Because it’s slow at work, and my brain desperately needs diversion.

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44 thoughts on “How’s this for a Headline: Today Sucks Ass.

  1. I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this Stephanie. I’m not quite sure of your whole family situation (though I think I have a pretty good idea from reading your blog), but if I’m correct about your dad, I can definitely see how that’s so hard to forgive and I’m sorry. Please know though that people do care about you and love you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It really does. Some of them absolutely mean well – there’s one lady up here that has kind of taken on a motherly role with me. I’m semi-anticipating her inviting me to spend Thanksgiving with her family..but I’m going to have to politely decline. She has this beautiful, supportive family and I know witnessing it would turn me into a weeping mess.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanksgiving and Christmas is best characterized by the Peanuts comics.
    It all makes sense in the end but its too late, then we all say, we’ll be better next year only to fail again.

    Give me a hug for Christmas, best gift ever.
    Thanksgiving, damn it, the word says it all….

    Sorry about your situation, I lost my family at 16 (my choice), never looked back. I spend holidays at the SPCA helping out. Animals appreciate more, even the ones abused.

    Hope you smile more often.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This is incredibly sweet and thoughtful – thank you! I love the Peanuts Thanksgiving & Christmas comics and videos. I try to watch them every year, along with a couple of others. They’re worth the tears they bring me. 🙂

      I’m with you – love is the best gift. I think that’s why Thanksgiving was always my favorite. It wasn’t about things…it was about thankfulness and togetherness. No gifts. Just fellowship.

      Every year, I consider going to a homeless shelter/soup kitchen. But I never do it. I like your idea of the SPCA – I wouldn’t have to deal with as many people, but I could still do something meaningful. Animals absolutely do appreciate more.

      Thank you, truly. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Careful, this kinda shit goes to my head. And my head hurts already; I can’t afford any swelling.

      I mean. What I mean to say is..THANK YOU! You made me smile and laugh, and I needed that today!

      Pleasure to meet you! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Nope, I’m serious. I can definitely see that I will be sharing your stuff. We all need to laugh and you have the gift of comedic writing. I don’t think that’s ever happened to me before. I’m sharing it on Facebook.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Hey Steph, if it makes you feel any better, I happen to spend holidays alone too… Most of the time I don’t even bother with special dishes because I try not to see these days as special… Anyway, I hope the headache is fading away… And yes I do hope things with your family do change for the better…
    Wishing you a peaceful week

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sending peace your way as well, Ndumiso. Thank you for your kind comments and solidarity. I would send you some holiday cookies if I could…I’ll probably end up making some to occupy my time and for the good memories it does dredge up.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. It’s hard to celebrate anything when you’re in pain all the time. Birthdays, holidays, weekends… every day is pretty much the same. So, instead of celebrating certain days, I like to celebrate food. And when I’m not feeling too bitchy, I celebrate people, too.

    And today, I’m celebrating you! (I dare you not to laugh at singing and dancing penguins in ties, sunglasses, and a mosh pit.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, you’ve got that right. And I do so like the idea of celebrating food. The size of my ass is testament to that!

      I love that video! I may have gotten caught kinda dancin’ in my chair. Ha! Maybe. Shhh.

      P.S. I love the Madagascar penguin. I’ve been called Rico by more than one person. Maybe that’s a hint as to how I am when I’m upbeat!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I like dancing in my chair… makes me feel… cool. But I’ll never be as cool as those penguins. 🙂

        And since I have to worry about pain every day, I don’t spend time worrying about the size of my (drooping) ass. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve lost all of my Holidays due to losses. But your words and not as bad as mine would be. However, if I were closer to you I would ensure a better season as we both deserve and need it.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. 😀 Well, you just HAD to be a MST fan from everything else…*sigh* Wish they were still on the air…There’s stuff on-line you can access, even new films. Search it out on YouTube.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. 😱 You didn’t TAPE them? I’ve got 4th or 5th generation tapes (taped then re-taped onto new tapes over and over) and a couple of VCRs to play them. And I can access YouTube on my mega TV now, so I see the on-line stuff (which often looks better than what I’ve got). Found DVDs to buy, but they won’t ship outside the states. Yet. 😠

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Alas, I didn’t tape them. I could say I was too stoned to operate the VCR. But the truth is more like…who could afford more than one VHS tape? I taped and retaped and retaped on one or two cassettes. But mostly it’s because it rarely even occurred to me that it would be important later. That always happens. And then two decades later, I wonder what the fuck I was thinking throwing out giant purple bunny cuz I could sure as hell use him now.

        Oh. Shit. Tangents. Tangents. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      4. LOL! Yeah. Understand the tape thing; that happened a lot, which is part of why some episodes look like crap. Here’s something weird I found out: VCR tape eventually moulds. Lost a lot of stuff, tho THANKFULLY not MST. We’re not supposed to watch them now, not til we can get them transferred…somehow…to a new medium…which will then probably go out of fashion…again…Fuck!

        I kept my BumBee. He’s in my room. And I ALWAYS – STILL – have some big fluffy stuffed animals to hold when I need to. It’s a priority in life. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      5. …I had no idea they could mold. I have bins of VHS tapes. And I still have a working VCR. One of those that probably cost $300 brand new – it was given to me a few years ago. Still brand new and sealed in the box. Given. Because the woman was all the way up to blueray and fuck VCR. I was like fuck yeah! I always bought those crapty $40 specials at Wal-Mart. 😀

        BumBee! That sounds awesome! I’m gonna have to google that and see how awesome. I don’t have any stuffed animals…but I sure can cuddle the hell out of pillows…I’ve ruined so many pillows like that. I need to buy myself a stuffed animal.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. VCR: Kick ass to find another person in life who’s still got ’em! And yes, they mold so you want to check your stash. Maybe get a dehumidifier near them. And take that newbie player, find a way to get your transfers onto your computer (I KNOW there’s hook-ups out there, I just don’t know how to use them), and run what you don’t want to lose. ‘Cause they will eventually bite the dust. Or the mold.

        lol! There was never a name for my favorite stuffed animal; BumBee is what I called him. My mom got him from a bank as a give away for opening a new account or something. I’ll have to take a picture. He’s just a bumblebee, and inside his tummy there’s a bell so he jingles when you shake him. Geez! I still love him.

        And YEAH! Buy a stuffed animal. They’re made to take hugs. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Yeah yeah, I need to see BumBee! His tummy jingles?!?!? I’m dying of jealousy over here!

        Now the question for me is..should I start internet shopping for my ideal stuffed animal? I’ve been wanting one for ages, but I’ve just been making do with pillows. Or should I wait until I stumble upon the perfect one. But. Seriously. How does a grown ass person with no kids just stumble upon a stuffed animal? I can’t remember the last time that happened…to the google, it is! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Oh flip! Well, you got me to put getting a pic of BumBee up a priority now!

        Shame you don’t have somewhere on hand to find the perfect stuffed friend. I don’t like the idea of buying over the internet – I want to give ’em a squeeze! 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      9. lol! I never feel bad about that, and shop in kids stores ALL the time. What are they more likely to think – that I’m an adult looking for toys for myself, or that I’m an adult looking for toys for my kid? I think it’s pretty safe.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. When you’re alone, you’re ain’t nothing but alone. What song said that? Ah I know it was Bruce Springsteen! Jeez that’s awful. When I was alone on Thanksgiving for a few years, I went and delivered Meals on Wheels. It made me feel fantastic! I just dropped it off, didn’t stay and chat or anything but it was good. Then some gooey pasta and a movie with a friend. That’s it! It’s really up to you but truly, genuinely I understand.

    Liked by 1 person

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