~
*The protagonist of this true story tale of whimsy shall be referred to as Eduardo. (Make sure to roll the “r,” or the fake name loses its charm.) His true identity shan’t be revealed. I assure you this is quite necessary, as I would meet a certain death were I to reveal it.
**Eduardo insisted I refer to him as Company Man rather than Company Lizard. He called me specist, but I think he’s just being sensitive. I say we should refer to him as the Company Being and be done with it. He told me to stop being an asshole.
This is a true story, except for the parts that aren’t almost all of it.
~
Chance Encounter with a Company Man
I first met Eduardo the night he appeared outside my bathroom window. I was startled, to be sure, but immediately smitten. As soon as I laid eyes upon him, I clasped my hands and gave a sopranic* shriek of delight before dissolving into a mass of giggles. (*Sopranic is definitely the adjectival of soprano; trust me on this.)
He hadn’t meant to blow his cover, and he blames me for the Lavatory Rendezvous. You see, he’s drawn to the light. It’s a serious weakness for someone in his line of work. But so long as the bathroom light beckoned into the darkness, Eduardo was my prisoner and I was in control. (Eduardo is an opportunist, you see. And nighttime lights provide a veritable buffet of light-drawn insects.)
Before we parted, I asked Eduardo to pose for a photograph. He tried to refuse but knew I would have my way so long as the light switch was in the up position. But he did adamantly protest a portrait. I readily acquiesced; after all, I wouldn’t want him being taken out. So long as I couldn’t pick him out of a lineup, there remained plausible deniability. Besides, he said, his belly is his best side.
Eduardo returned every night for weeks after that initial encounter. Drawn by the light that I switched on at dusk and left on until bedtime, summoning him to the window.
I learned that it’s tough for a lizard (skink, whatever) in The Company. Shower times are particularly problematic. People don’t seem to understand his need to climb the walls and peer down, flicking his tongue at rogue water droplets in hopes that one of them turns out to be a bug. So now he showers alone, but he hasn’t found anyone to turn the faucets on for him. No thumbs, you see.
Besides, he’d always aspired to be an Observer.
I told him the Observers weren’t real, and he said, “You know nothing, human.” This time I called him a specist, but he only snorted in derision. According to Eduardo, the requirements to become an Observer are far more rigorous than those of The Company. But it’s on his bucket list. For now, he just tries to avoid being called a spook. He prefers Company Man to that.
Over the course of our nightly visits, Eduardo filled me in on his life story. He’s Brazilian, which you may have surmised from his chosen pseudonym. It was no accident, that, though he hasn’t worn a ponytail since his days as a capoeira instructor when he used it as a weapon.
We talked about music – he turned me on to salsa and water drumming; I turned him on to the Chili Peppers and LL Cool J. And he spoke of his wandering eye, his philandering ways, hence why he’d chosen this life over settling down and having a passel of lizardlets. I swear I saw a glint in his eye, the tiniest scintillating hint of a tear, but he dismissed it as a shimmering scale left behind from his last meal. I let it go. A lizard man has his pride.
~
It’s been nigh on a month since last we met. I’ve all but given up on the nightly lighting ritual. Try as I might, I can’t help but think the worst.
Eduardo is most certainly floating face-down in the Mediterranean Sea, subsequent to being shot when he had a change of heart in the midst of an assassination attempt. I can only hope that some gruff but kindly fisherman will happen upon Eduardo and rescue him before he freezes to death.
But until I know for sure, I’ll leave the light on.
I took Spanish in school, so I think I remember how to roll the r. Funny post.
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Woo! Thank you! I was missing the little fella, and all that nonsense popped in my head. So I took a gamble…and posted pure nonsense. 😀
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I thought it was funny…
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Thank you…and good morning to ya! 🙂
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Love Steph’s witt
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You’re too kind…thank you, Ndumiso. 🙂
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You’re welcome Steph 🙂
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As Edward is my middle name, and Vance is unpronounceable in Spanish, I actually went by Eduardo when I lived in Argentina. Then, when I returned to the States for college, I would adopt a Spanish accent and proclaim myself “Eduardo, zee grreatest Lahtin lowver EVER leeved!” (I’m not a nerd or anything.)
Which is to say, good choice of name for your spook friend… :0)
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Ahahahaha! What a fantastic story! And that is EXACTLY how this little Eduardo says his name. In the same accent, I mean. 😀
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This is brilliant!
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Yay! Thank you! I was nervous about posting my crazy thoughts…glad you liked it!
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You’re a great writer. Don’t ever be nervous to share your expertise.
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Thank you…that’s a big compliment from someone who cracks me up Every Single Post!
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Girl, we are 100% on the same level. You are hilarious and thought-provoking. You’re one of the bloggers I HAVE to read!
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You’ve made my day, woman! 😀
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Awww and that’s made my day!! Yay ☺️😘😎
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That link isn’t working 😢
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Aw man, that blows! It was the video of the My Buddy commercials from the 80s…”my buddy and meeeeeeeee.” I thought it fit with our mushy gushy replies to each other. 😀
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LOL!!! That’s so awesome!! 😊☺️👌
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😀
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What a happy visitor.
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What a funny post!! I love Calvin and Hobbes!
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Thank you!
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You’re welcome!! Come drop by MiddleMe soon to say hi! 😃
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I’ve been reading you…you have so many lovely commenters, I feel out of place! (that’s embarrassing to say) 🙂
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Awwww.. Don’t be! I’m always happy to have you around. Big hugz.
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Hugs! Thank you! You’ve got quite the following over there. 🙂
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And I’m thankful and humble for that. My intention is not to collect followers but to help spread the word that everyone have a choice in their careers.
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I believe it – you’re one of the few out there that seems genuine. Most of the people that have blogs in the same category/genre are highly impersonal. Yours is different. 🙂
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You read me so well!! I started out wanting to make sure that MiddleMe won’t be another boring factual article that preach changes but to illustrate and inspire by examples and stories that change can be done. 🙂
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I’d say you’re doing a good job of it! 🙂
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Thanks, my friend!! And you’re doing a great job with yours too. I just wish you could post more because I always can’t seems to get enough of it.
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Aw thank you so much! Doesn’t look like there will be a post for tomorrow. I’ve been writing them when I have downtime at work…but today, I chatted too much to write. 😀 Soon!
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Twiddling my thumbs while waiting patiently…
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😀
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The skink needs a drink I think…wink wink….FP not moldy
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Aw yeah, I could let him in next time. Serve him a thimble of water. On the rocks.
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I have a funny little frog that shows up in my window at the Florida house…he is almost a light beige color with round suction toes….quite the cutie…we can fix them up together…at the lizard lounge of course….a round for the house…thimbles for all I say.
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Oooo I love the little suction cup tree frog thingies! It’s a date…these two need to meet and trade stories. Oh to be a fly on the wall….nooooo, that would be certain death!
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Only certain death once I bring the cat down there…..can’t wait to see what nails do to the lanai…oh my…don’t go too high, ’cause kitty, you can’t fly…..
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I’ve got two cats….it’s always a race to the lizard when one gets inside. I usually lose. 😦
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I think I’d rather have a lizard loose than a snake anywhere close….heebies….
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You got that right!!!
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Un petit peu I was planning to move to Louisiana to meet avec vous but damn this Edwardo (sic) As I thought of the femme that curses like a drunken sailor with no entanglements. LOL. Good post my friend 🙂
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Ahahaha! I hate to sound like a typical woman, but Eduardo is a bit…petit for me. 😛
Thank you!!!
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Yea most women regardless of their own height want a guy over 6 foot, like I am. LOL
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Meh, I was just makin’ a joke! That kinda thing doesn’t matter to me. 🙂
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Wellit would not surprise me. I have literally gone out on first dates where women brought a tape measure saying they would not even start a relationship if a guy was not over 6 foot. I wish I was kidding but I am not.
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Shallow bitches like that need to go the hell on. That goes for shallow bitches of either gender!
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Yea I send them packing
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I am sure Eduardo would be pleased that you have written about him with such an affectionate, and funny, tone ☺ Enjoyed it greatly 😊
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Yay! Thank you so much! 🙂
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Man, when you’re done with Eduardo send him my way (is that weird?)
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Hell yes it’s weird…and AWESOME! 😀
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This post had 90% of my favorite things in it – humor, Observers, Calvin and Hobbes, and Bob’s Burgers! Lovely post 🙂
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You rock for that…thank you so much! 🙂
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I love your blog…..kat
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You’re too kind…thank you, and likewise. 🙂
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You are so funny and silly! We have many of Eduardo’s cousins getting ready to hibernate around our house. In our strange world our fast industrial critters have Spanish names and the lazy ass critters have a southern drawl with an appropriate name like Betsy Sue. I think our fat possum is Betsy Sue…
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Hahaha! That’s an appropriate naming scheme. I love it!
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It is very hard to keep up with the squirrels. Mario had to become Marisol when her teats showed she had babies…
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You’ve just made me think about squirrel teats for the first time in my life.
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Well, we all have to grow up sometime and I am sorry that I had to introduce you to squirrel teats…:) Did you know that cat penises retract into a little furry compartment?
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Ohmygod and they’re barbed, too, aren’t they? >.>
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Oh, I forgot about that – no wonder the feral cats make so much sound at night!!!
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Hahaha! Yeah! They’re being stabbed and hooked!
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