News Flash: Time Marches On (aka The Year Ends. Every. Fucking. Year.)

File this bitch under pet peeves or something because damn, this gets under my skin. And I think it’s the kind of thing that is greatly exaggerated and exacerbated by working in an office environment. (P.S. The word is exacerbated. I didn’t say masturbated. I would never say masturbated. Especially not on my blog. I mean who talks about masturbation on their blogs? Perverts, that’s who. So I definitely did not say masturbated. But I digress.)

Gather round, Peoplleaneous, and watch as the the comedy horror unfolds.

~

All the World’s a Clock, and All the Office Workers Stand by in Shock: A Prophetic Glimpse into 2016

Brought to you by: Stephellaneous
Sponsored by: Miller Father Time

(Names changed to protect the innocent idiots.)

Act One: Shock and Awe

Kim in the Kitchen with Tea: Ohmygosh, y’all! Can you BELIEVE it’s January?
Jim in the Kitchen with Kim: I know, right? How did we get here?
Kim in the Kitchen with Tea: I wish I could tell ya! I just can’t believe it’s a whole ‘nother year!

Tim Passing through the Kitchen with Kim and Jim: I don’t think I’ll ever get used to writing 2016, instead of 2015. *grumbles*

Kim in the Kitchen with Tea and Jim and Tim: OH-HIIIII Stephanie! We were just saying how we can’t BELIEVE it’s January! Can you BELIEVE?
Stephanie in the Kitchen with Side-Eye: WHAT?!?! No way, man! Seems like this happened last year, too!!

*Uncomfortable laughter and mild confusion*

Stephanie, Glutton for Punishment that she is, Keeps Going: I mean, seriously! I’ve already been through 35 Januaries! I don’t understand how this keeps happening!

*Like cockroaches, the idiots scatter.*

Stephanie calls after them: Wait! We haven’t even discussed the fact that it’s Monday! Again! What is the deal with Mondays?

Act Two: The Lemmings Accept Defeat

Yvonne in the john: *sighs*
Gloria, the Perpetual Grump: What’s your problem?
Yvonne: It’s already April. Can you BELIEVE it’s already April?
Grumpy Gloria: Yeah, I can believe it. But you think you’ve got it bad? I hate Aprils. It’s just my luck it’s April.
Yvonne: Hm, now that you mention it, Aprils are kinda gloomy with all that rain.
Grumpy Gloria: Story of my life. As if I wasn’t suffering enough.
Stephanie:

April Showers

Act Three: Mass Confusion and Fear

Tony the Brony: Son of a…biscuit!
Betsy the Bewildered: Huh? What happened? What’s wrong? Are you mad at me? Is it raining? Is there any fresh coffee?
Tony the Brony, looking like a deer in headlights: No, wife just texted. Kids get outta school in two weeks.
Betsy the Bewildered: Oh. I don’t understand. Can’t you just put them in summer school or something? Also, you have kids??
Tony the Brony: I don’t know what I’m gonna do! I don’t understand how the school year flies by so fast like it does every fucking year in the history of ever!

Stephanie pours fuel on the fire: Yeah, and it’s gonna be sooooo hot. You know. Because summer. And they’ll want to be inside. All the time.
Tony the Brony: They’re going to eat me alive! I can’t handle this! Hashtag OMG! Hashtag FML! Hashtag I can’t even!
Stephanie the Asshole: Well, there’s always crack.
Tony the Brony: *blinks*
Stephanie: Get them hooked on crack. That way they’ll rob you once instead of slowly milking you for the rest of your life. Then they’ll move on to the street corner and live outside. Problem solved. You won’t even have to feed them.

Tony the Brony: *lays his head down on the desk and whispers* You’re evil.
Betsy the Bewildered: I don’t know what crack is, but that didn’t sound very nice.

tim_optimized
I realize this isn’t an exact fit for the scenario presented, but it’s close enough. Besides, Tim doesn’t give a fuck.

Act Four: The Anticipation is Killing Them (but not fast enough)

Tony the Brony returns: Son of a…biscuit!
Betsy the Bewildered: Huh? What happened? What’s wrong? Are you mad at me? Is it raining? Is there any fresh coffee?
Tony the Brony, looking like a deer in headlights: No, wife just texted. Kids go back to school in two weeks.
Betsy the Bewildered: Oh. I don’t understand. Can’t you just home-school them or something? Also, you have kids??
Tony the Brony: I don’t know what I’m gonna do! I don’t understand how the summer flies by so fast like it does every fucking year in the history of ever! I can’t afford this!

Kim in the Kitchen with Tea: I’m so excited! And I just can’t fight it!
Tony the Brony: What’s up?
Kim in the Kitchen with Tea: The kids go back to school in two weeks! I won’t have to deal with them anymore! And then it’ll be fall! And cooler weather! And pumpkins! And spicy lattes! And! And! Hooray!
Tony the Brony: Hmm. Yeah, I won’t have to deal with mine anymore, either! Now they’re someone else’s problem! And also, here comes No Shave November! Yay!

Stephanie Swoops in to Save the Day: There’s always boarding school.

*two sets of eyes blink back at her*

Stephanie Saving the Day: That way you’d never have to deal with them again!

Act Five: D is for Denial and Doom

Whiny Wendy: I’m so depressed. I can’t believe the year is almost gone. It’s already November. How is it November? Where did it come from?
Virulent Vicky: Well at least you don’t have to six kids to buy presents for.

Stephanie tries to be reasonable: You don’t have to buy presents, you know.
*Stephanie is resoundingly ignored.*

Whiny Wendy: But I don’t understand how we got here. It will be 2017 before you know it. How does this happen? I haven’t even gotten used to writing 2016 yet. Hashtag FML.
Virulent Vicky: Well at least you don’t have in-laws and extended family descending upon your house for three weeks. Vultures, all of them. I hate them all. Hashtag FML.

Whiny Wendy: What am I gonna do? I didn’t keep my New Years’ Resolutions for this year! And now I have to make new ones!
Virulent Vicky: Oh who cares. I’ve got it way worse than you. Why does this shit keep happening to me? It’s like everyone is out to get me. It couldn’t possibly get any worse!

Stephanie tries once more: I hear ya. It’s tough living in Sudan.

*two sets of eyes blink back at her*

Whiny Wendy: What’s that supposed to mean? I don’t get it.
Virulent Vicky: It means she’s an asshole. Let’s go. I need to do a passive-aggressive post on Facebook about her and about how much it sucks to be forced to spend $2,000 on Christmas presents.

lucy peanuts
I dedicate this cartoon to all of the aforementioned assholes.

The End.

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70 thoughts on “News Flash: Time Marches On (aka The Year Ends. Every. Fucking. Year.)

  1. Perfection!

    Then there’s the co-worker who insists on greeting everyone everyday with “It’s [insert day of week here].” One day I will punch this person and get fired. Then how’m I supposed to know what day it is? Life sucks…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Every. Single. Day! EVERY DAY! It drives me batshit! And it doesn’t help that I play along instead of punching them in the throats! Wait. Maybe that is helping. Helping me stay out of prison and also remain gainfully employed. πŸ˜€

      P.S. I cannot even begin to count how many times I’ve been reminded that today is Friday!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t mind, “Happy Friday.” I’m super happy it’s Friday – working in the daily 8 to 5 grind, I look forward to Friday. But the same three or four women reminded me no fewer than a dozen times that it was Friday today. πŸ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Nah…it’s more of the same ole shit out of the same people’s mouths every single day. It’s like they’re recordings and they just replay themselves over and over again on loop.

        Not the same as your greeting to me.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hehe, love this. Oh please let these people actually be your work colleagues. Except, well that would be rubbish for you. I am guilty of the whole ‘where are the weeks going?’ musing however, I just get sucked in…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. And speaking of … (remember way up at the beginning)

    So my wife has MS (Muliple Sclerosis). Diagnosed a decade or so ago. (It is what it is)

    Anyway I am dictating an email on my iPad to family friends not spoken to or seen for some time. They are staunch Baptists.

    I dictated the email. Was ready to send when I decided to proof read it.

    What I said: “She is suffering from an MS exacerbation”

    What I read: “She is suffering from excess masturbation”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ahahaha! Why oh why would it autocorrect and think that excess masturbation is cause for suffering? Wait. Nevermind. I just filled in my own blanks. (I know, I know. That’s what she said. I’m full of it today, I tell you.)

      Thank you for sharing this…I needed some extra laughs.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. ROFLMAO! No joke. My sides hurt. You really need to do standup because this shit is absolutely amazing! I love your candor and the level of sarcasm in this post makes me so happy. Thanks for the nice Friday afternoon chuckle! :-):
    “I mean, seriously! I’ve already been through 35 Januaries! I don’t understand how this keeps happening!”

    Liked by 2 people

  5. There’s always crack… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh my word! I loved that one!!!! You are hilarious! Thank you for making me laugh first thing in the morning πŸ˜€

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Yowaza, do we work together? ‘Cause I don’t drink tea in the kitchen with Jim, but I do let Alex eat nuts from the nut sack that I keep in my drawer…good for prostate health he tells me….Brazil nuts….mmmmm…

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Okay, it’s just a ziplock but we call it the nut sack….today I brought the crew in coffee cake and salted caramel bars but no fear, there was no coffee harmed in the making of the cake….I think…I bought it…someone else choked the beans. Laughing with ya😊

        Liked by 1 person

      2. They’re already whining how sad they’ll be when I’m gone…I’m not dying, just moving…someday….then I shall have crabs….not the nasty bed kind, the cute ones that crawl into your shoes on the beach…..you can have my job….but you gotta buy cake…and nuts and most importantly gummy bears…..don’t forget the gummies….

        Liked by 1 person

      1. I want to argue with you and point out all the flaws I see (in me). But I’m working on that, so I won’t. But I am truly grateful. Storytelleous… 😁😁

        Same goes to you, though. You call it dabbling; I call it some of the only poetry I’ll read because it’s exquisite. I can’t think of an emotion you haven’t drawn up in me.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Ha! I would totally punch the person who kept reminding me that today is Friday as well since I work an off kilter schedule where Friday is always my Monday! It’s bad enough that the overly perky radio DJ who needs her throat ripped out via the anus has to announce that fact between almost every song…

    Like

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