Tuesday’s Gone (and It Took All My Fucks with It)

Tuesday was another of those “today sucks ass” kinda days. And I didn’t wanna talk about it on Tuesday, because I was too worked up about it. But I’m revved up and ready to uncork it now. Oh yeah. Let’s do this thang, chickenwang.

First Up: Neighborzuul

You remember her, don’t you? The crazy woman with the Shrine to Gozer? Yeah, that one. I don’t think I told you that she has her very own pair of Terror Dogs. Only these are yippy little fuckers. You know what I mean by yippy dogs? Those ankle-biting bastards.

Terror_Dogs
Neighborzuul’s dogs look EXACTLY like this. Except they’re shorter. And they have long hair. And they’re white. But other than that, this is an exact likeness.

First of all, there’s a leash law here. But does Neighborzuul give a fuck? No, dears, she does not. And Neighborzuul’s Terror Dogs like to leave little shitbombs on every lawn but their own. I guess that old saying, “don’t shit where you eat” applies to them. Personally, I think Neighborzuul sends them on these shitmissions to do recon on all of us. So she can steal our souls and our geraniums.

And those little sumbitches bark incessantly. But I don’t really know what’s worse: them or her. See, because they aren’t fenced or leashed, Neighborzuul is in constant competition with her furry assholes to see who can shriek the loudest. It goes a little somethin’ like this:

Fuzzhole 1: YIP! YIPYIP! YIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIP! *shits*
Fuzzhole 2: YIPYIPYIPYIP GRRRRRRRRR YIPYIP! *pees*

Neighborzuul: Fuzzhole 1, COME HERE! Fuzzhole 2, COME HERE!

Fuzzhole 1: YIP! YIPYIP! YIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIP! *pees*
Fuzzhole 2: YIPYIPYIPYIP GRRRRRRRRR YIPYIP! *shits*

Neighborzuul: Fuzzhole 1, COME HERE! Fuzzhole 2, COME HERE! RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW I MEAN IT!

Fuzzhole 1: YIP! YIPYIP! YIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIP! *shits some more*
Fuzzhole 2: YIPYIPYIPYIP GRRRRRRRRR YIPYIP! *shits some more*

Neighborzuul: Fuzzhole 1, COME HERE! Fuzzhole 2, COME HERE! RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW I MEAN IT! GET BACK HERE! GET INSIDE! GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW! COMEHERECOMEHERECOMEHERE!

The dogs are gonna be run over someday, fo’ real. And not because someone is gunning for them. But because they run in traffic, chase cars, trot down railroad tracks. I’ve seen them as far as a quarter mile from the house. And she just screams and screams at them. And if not that, then she’ll end up sued or some shit because they chase walkers, joggers, runners, parents pushing strollers, mailmen, unicorns, you name it.

So. That brings us to Tuesday morning. I’m listening to music, right? Just on my phone, because who has a stereo anymore? (If you do, I’m moving in.) Gathering my things and preparing to shower. It’s like…6:30ish A.M. I’m tired. I seriously had to drag my ass out of bed.

What.

What the fuck is that.

OH HELL NO.

Y’all I don’t go outside. Especially not in my nightwear. (No, pervs, I don’t wear lingerie to bed. But I’m modest – like really fucking modest – so I don’t go outside even in shorts and a tank top.) But I was so pissed. I could hear those little fuckers screaming over the music.

Are those bastards in my yard? Are they barking at the car?

Are they on my porch? ARE THEY HUMPING MY PORCH?

I flung that door open and barged outside. Those two little sumbitches. The weaker of the two (he’ll be eaten first) ran into the road as soon as I stepped onto the porch. The other one backed up maybe three feet. Then that little fucker dug in and alternately screamed and bared his teeth, growling. So what do I do? Y’all. I was pissed. Wild-eyed and ready to tangle.

I moved toward them. But I stopped when I got to the car.

Me: Go! GO ON NOW!

Fuzzhole 1: Grrr Grrr Yip Yip *pees a little*
Fuzzhole 2: YIPYIPYIPYIP I’LL KILL YOU BITCH YIPYIPYIP! *angershits*

Me: GO SHIT IN YOUR OWN YARD, YOU LITTLE FUCKERS!

Y’all. I am not exactly proud of this. I mean, I won’t be adding it to my resume, okay? But this has been going on for YEARS. I snapped. I was just trying to listen to my music. Is that too much to ask?

Neighborzuul finally emerges from her shrine and begins screaming for them to come back. I glared at her with all I had before wheeling around and going back inside to shower.

You wanna know the best part? My next door neighbor pulled out of his driveway as soon as I walked back onto my porch.

He had been in his car.

Watching.

The whole time.

But somehow. Somehow. Tuesday only got worse from there. How? With glee. Why? Because on Tuesday? I couldn’t drive a fucking nail, much less a car.

If Life is a Highway, I Wrecked. On the Shoulder. Going 0.5 MPH.

I try to keep something quick for breakfast in the house. I take medicine in the mornings that is not supposed to be taken on an empty stomach. So I’ve been keeping these little muffins or granola bars – something, anything. I was out. So, I left early enough to stop at the store on the way to work.

I stopped. I shopped. I departed.

And as I was pulling out of the parking lot, wham. I hit a fucking car.

Did she fly out of nowhere? Nope.

Did she turn out of the opposite parking lot at the same time? Nope.

I’m quite certain she had been on that particular trajectory the whole fucking time. And like a fucking magnet, I was compelled into her driver’s side.

parking_lot
It looked exactly like this.

It wasn’t bad – there’s a scrape along my bumper on the right. But I was shaken up, big time. She smiled at me and waved AND KEPT FUCKING GOING.

Shaking (violently) and crying, I backed up and pulled back into the parking lot, parked the car, killed the ignition and waited. And waited. And waited. But she never came back.

I’m guessing she didn’t have insurance or was in a stolen vehicle or was running from the law for flicking a booger at a police officer. Point is, she didn’t come back.

Last but Certainly not Least: Long Live the Queen (much to my chagrin)

Then I arrive at work to this lovely news: that job the Queen Bitch recently applied for?

She didn’t get it. And commenced to willfully spoiling everyone else’s day.

image

So I’m stuck with her for the foreseeable future.

~

CliffsNotes Version: The clouds parted on Tuesday, and just as I looked up, the universe took a big dump on my face.

Thank Fuck Tuesday’s Gone.

The End.

 

 

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69 thoughts on “Tuesday’s Gone (and It Took All My Fucks with It)

  1. Are you sure you don’t live in my neighborhood? We have a similar neighbor (actually several) who annoy the hell out of us because they ignore their dogs, so we get to hear them bark. All day long. All night long. And our HOA says we’re the ones who have to keep a log to make a complaint. Maybe I should dig out our stereo (yep, we have one unplugged and hidden behind a door in the office) and put it in an open window and blast them all day/night long with it.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. BWAHAHAHA! Oh, honey! Fuck the stereo; I got a PA to hook up. Need better digs, tho. Haven’t even had these suckers turned all the way up yet…

    Poodles: a dog made to drop kick. Same with any small breed, really, but poodles grind my nuts into a paste. Yippee little fuck-wits. Sometimes it takes everything I have to NOT line up for a field goal when I see one of those rodents.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. HAHAHAHAHA! Woman, if I was a coffee drinker, I’d have just ruined my keyboard spewing coffee. As it is, I’ve got a puddle of water – well, had. I do clean up after myself (at work).

      We so see eye to eye on those yippie little fuckers. πŸ˜€

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Wednesday was a good morning
    But after that the bottom fell out
    Too many people with their own agenda
    Friends are like straws you got to get a long
    Yea rite
    This so cold friend has a party but doesn’t invite me after we had talked about for weeks and weeks
    The other one passes by my house all the time but never stops to say hi
    It was black Wednesday
    As always Sheldon

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw, Sheldon. I hope Thursday is better. I woke up this morning to some shitty shit from someone I shouldn’t let get to me. But it does. She’s family, but that ship sailed. Anyway…maybe something for a post…I dunno.

      Thank you for your lines…for your comment…and I really do hope Thursday is better.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I think you might live in my neighborhood, too. I would have gone out naked with my fire extinguisher to spray those little terrors and then I would have started screaming in an unintelligible Scottish dialect at the horrible neighbor. Yesterday I terrified a surveyor who was doing something in the reserve behind my house – “What are you doing”, I roared! It was hilarious watching him peep through the 8 foot fence trying to explain. Finally, as queen, of the neighborhood I allowed him to continue surveying. WTF!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I did forget to mention that just before the woman came outside, I stooped down, put my hands on my knees and growled right back at that dog. (All the while, unbeknownst to me, my next door neighbor was watching from inside his car.)

      Hahaha! I need you as my neighbor. I’d happily raise hell with you!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. BOO! What a shitty day!

    Also the tone of this post I kept expecting somewhere in there you to say ‘Boo, you whore!’ a la Regina King, Mean Girls. Not that you’re at all the Regina King type…but that it needed to be said. Lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Air soft. Not illegal, not deadly, just painful enough to get those little fuckers to understand they should stay out of your yard. Or paintball, if you want to let your neighbor know you mean business. Yeah, go with paintball.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oooo I like the way you think. Paintball would be ideal – if they come in glow-in-the-dark. That way they could shine with the light of my burning wrath…bright blood red in the middle of the night. Cuz you know she snuggles those little bastards.

      Yes, yes, I like this. I’d be stroking my beard if I had one.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hehehe that audio one wasn’t supposed to post. I was testing it out, and it posted straight out without even going to draft. Did you hear it? I was talkin’.

      I’m so sorry the doctor visit was shit. I really am. Want some soup and sci-fi?

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahh thank you! I didn’t mean for that to post. I was testing out the audio post thingy. I THOUGHT it would make it a draft or something, so you could check it out. Good thing I didn’t talk nonsense just in case. I deleted it when I realized it had posted. But apparently everyone can still hear it anyway! πŸ˜€

      Like

  7. Anklebiters are the worst, and I think your Zuul analogy sums those fuckers up well. I saw a list of most ill-tempered dog breeds once, and do you think it had pit bulls, rottweilers or dobermans on it? No, just a bunch of little, kickable, asshole anklebiters. If I had those little terrors running through my neighborhood, I’d be buying myself a croquet mallet and using it liberally….

    BTW, I do not listen to music on my phone either. I’m not even sure if you can…. it’s, like, 9 years old and I only use it to (gasp!) make emergency calls!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. GASP indeed! All I have is my phone and a little speaker I can plug it into (when I remember batteries). It cost like $5 at a discount store. Heh. It’s pretty useless most of the time.

      Ill-tempered is the perfect word for those little asswipes. And I’ll consider the croquet mallet. Good idea. πŸ˜‰

      Like

  8. Oh my goodness, you poor thing. I was cracking up, right up until we got to where you hit the other car. Don’t feel too bad. Back when I had my first car, I slammed right into someone just sitting in the parking lot of my college campus. And I slowly….found another parking spot. Yeah, I was that person. Let’s hope Friday is gonna have a better outlook for you & you can leave all your fucks on Tuesday πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha! Awww I shouldn’t be laughing, but it’s always a comfort when someone can relate. Thank you…and it’s okay to laugh. I’m glad you were cracking up. πŸ™‚

      I had a truly terrible day yesterday as well. But a lovely friend from this blogging community helped me through it. Y’all are awesome. πŸ™‚

      Today will be better, and I hope it’s awesome for you, too!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. C’mon dude, they weren’t that funny. πŸ™‚ Sometimes when I see pictures of poop, it’s almost like I can smell it… and I throw up a little in the back of my mouth. πŸ˜€ (Just kidding, I’ve only thrown up a few times in my whole life.) And now I’m rambling…

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Since I feel like I owe you an explanation, you can check out my comment to Beeps post today. Will still be “following” you and reading. Blog 2.0 for me starts in January when I move to Madison. Meanwhile a sabbatical so I don’t embarrass myself next time around. Cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you and sorry about. I may be bipolar? (I.e. Perma-hot mess.). Hope you re-follow me when I go back online in January. Until then I’ll be reading. Good luck with everything!

        Liked by 1 person

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