Tuesday was another of those “today sucks ass” kinda days. And I didn’t wanna talk about it on Tuesday, because I was too worked up about it. But I’m revved up and ready to uncork it now. Oh yeah. Let’s do this thang, chickenwang.
First Up: Neighborzuul
You remember her, don’t you? The crazy woman with the Shrine to Gozer? Yeah, that one. I don’t think I told you that she has her very own pair of Terror Dogs. Only these are yippy little fuckers. You know what I mean by yippy dogs? Those ankle-biting bastards.
First of all, there’s a leash law here. But does Neighborzuul give a fuck? No, dears, she does not. And Neighborzuul’s Terror Dogs like to leave little shitbombs on every lawn but their own. I guess that old saying, “don’t shit where you eat” applies to them. Personally, I think Neighborzuul sends them on these shitmissions to do recon on all of us. So she can steal our souls and our geraniums.
And those little sumbitches bark incessantly. But I don’t really know what’s worse: them or her. See, because they aren’t fenced or leashed, Neighborzuul is in constant competition with her furry assholes to see who can shriek the loudest. It goes a little somethin’ like this:
Fuzzhole 1: YIP! YIPYIP! YIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIP! *shits*
Fuzzhole 2: YIPYIPYIPYIP GRRRRRRRRR YIPYIP! *pees*
Neighborzuul: Fuzzhole 1, COME HERE! Fuzzhole 2, COME HERE!
Fuzzhole 1: YIP! YIPYIP! YIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIP! *pees*
Fuzzhole 2: YIPYIPYIPYIP GRRRRRRRRR YIPYIP! *shits*
Neighborzuul: Fuzzhole 1, COME HERE! Fuzzhole 2, COME HERE! RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW I MEAN IT!
Fuzzhole 1: YIP! YIPYIP! YIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIP! *shits some more*
Fuzzhole 2: YIPYIPYIPYIP GRRRRRRRRR YIPYIP! *shits some more*
Neighborzuul: Fuzzhole 1, COME HERE! Fuzzhole 2, COME HERE! RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW I MEAN IT! GET BACK HERE! GET INSIDE! GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW! COMEHERECOMEHERECOMEHERE!
The dogs are gonna be run over someday, fo’ real. And not because someone is gunning for them. But because they run in traffic, chase cars, trot down railroad tracks. I’ve seen them as far as a quarter mile from the house. And she just screams and screams at them. And if not that, then she’ll end up sued or some shit because they chase walkers, joggers, runners, parents pushing strollers, mailmen, unicorns, you name it.
So. That brings us to Tuesday morning. I’m listening to music, right? Just on my phone, because who has a stereo anymore? (If you do, I’m moving in.) Gathering my things and preparing to shower. It’s like…6:30ish A.M. I’m tired. I seriously had to drag my ass out of bed.
What.
What the fuck is that.
OH HELL NO.
Y’all I don’t go outside. Especially not in my nightwear. (No, pervs, I don’t wear lingerie to bed. But I’m modest – like really fucking modest – so I don’t go outside even in shorts and a tank top.) But I was so pissed. I could hear those little fuckers screaming over the music.
Are those bastards in my yard? Are they barking at the car?
Are they on my porch? ARE THEY HUMPING MY PORCH?
I flung that door open and barged outside. Those two little sumbitches. The weaker of the two (he’ll be eaten first) ran into the road as soon as I stepped onto the porch. The other one backed up maybe three feet. Then that little fucker dug in and alternately screamed and bared his teeth, growling. So what do I do? Y’all. I was pissed. Wild-eyed and ready to tangle.
I moved toward them. But I stopped when I got to the car.
Me: Go! GO ON NOW!
Fuzzhole 1: Grrr Grrr Yip Yip *pees a little*
Fuzzhole 2: YIPYIPYIPYIP I’LL KILL YOU BITCH YIPYIPYIP! *angershits*
Me: GO SHIT IN YOUR OWN YARD, YOU LITTLE FUCKERS!
Y’all. I am not exactly proud of this. I mean, I won’t be adding it to my resume, okay? But this has been going on for YEARS. I snapped. I was just trying to listen to my music. Is that too much to ask?
Neighborzuul finally emerges from her shrine and begins screaming for them to come back. I glared at her with all I had before wheeling around and going back inside to shower.
You wanna know the best part? My next door neighbor pulled out of his driveway as soon as I walked back onto my porch.
He had been in his car.
Watching.
The whole time.
But somehow. Somehow. Tuesday only got worse from there. How? With glee. Why? Because on Tuesday? I couldn’t drive a fucking nail, much less a car.
If Life is a Highway, I Wrecked. On the Shoulder. Going 0.5 MPH.
I try to keep something quick for breakfast in the house. I take medicine in the mornings that is not supposed to be taken on an empty stomach. So I’ve been keeping these little muffins or granola bars – something, anything. I was out. So, I left early enough to stop at the store on the way to work.
I stopped. I shopped. I departed.
And as I was pulling out of the parking lot, wham. I hit a fucking car.
Did she fly out of nowhere? Nope.
Did she turn out of the opposite parking lot at the same time? Nope.
I’m quite certain she had been on that particular trajectory the whole fucking time. And like a fucking magnet, I was compelled into her driver’s side.
It wasn’t bad – there’s a scrape along my bumper on the right. But I was shaken up, big time. She smiled at me and waved AND KEPT FUCKING GOING.
Shaking (violently) and crying, I backed up and pulled back into the parking lot, parked the car, killed the ignition and waited. And waited. And waited. But she never came back.
I’m guessing she didn’t have insurance or was in a stolen vehicle or was running from the law for flicking a booger at a police officer. Point is, she didn’t come back.
Last but Certainly not Least: Long Live the Queen (much to my chagrin)
Then I arrive at work to this lovely news: that job the Queen Bitch recently applied for?
She didn’t get it. And commenced to willfully spoiling everyone else’s day.
So I’m stuck with her for the foreseeable future.
~
CliffsNotes Version: The clouds parted on Tuesday, and just as I looked up, the universe took a big dump on my face.
Thank Fuck Tuesday’s Gone.
The End.
This played out like an animation in my head.
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I’d love to see that!
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Are you sure you don’t live in my neighborhood? We have a similar neighbor (actually several) who annoy the hell out of us because they ignore their dogs, so we get to hear them bark. All day long. All night long. And our HOA says we’re the ones who have to keep a log to make a complaint. Maybe I should dig out our stereo (yep, we have one unplugged and hidden behind a door in the office) and put it in an open window and blast them all day/night long with it.
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Ugh! I’m not glad you feel my pain – but I’m glad you understand how it can drive you to the point of irrationality!
I think the stereo is the perfect idea!!! Fight fire with…Beastie Boys! 😀
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BWAHAHAHA! Oh, honey! Fuck the stereo; I got a PA to hook up. Need better digs, tho. Haven’t even had these suckers turned all the way up yet…
Poodles: a dog made to drop kick. Same with any small breed, really, but poodles grind my nuts into a paste. Yippee little fuck-wits. Sometimes it takes everything I have to NOT line up for a field goal when I see one of those rodents.
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HAHAHAHAHA! Woman, if I was a coffee drinker, I’d have just ruined my keyboard spewing coffee. As it is, I’ve got a puddle of water – well, had. I do clean up after myself (at work).
We so see eye to eye on those yippie little fuckers. 😀
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😀
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Wednesday was a good morning
But after that the bottom fell out
Too many people with their own agenda
Friends are like straws you got to get a long
Yea rite
This so cold friend has a party but doesn’t invite me after we had talked about for weeks and weeks
The other one passes by my house all the time but never stops to say hi
It was black Wednesday
As always Sheldon
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Aw, Sheldon. I hope Thursday is better. I woke up this morning to some shitty shit from someone I shouldn’t let get to me. But it does. She’s family, but that ship sailed. Anyway…maybe something for a post…I dunno.
Thank you for your lines…for your comment…and I really do hope Thursday is better.
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I imagine you are quite glad to have gotten that off of your chest…!
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How could you tell? 😉
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Hmmm, a couple of small give ways references is all….. 😉
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😀
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I think you might live in my neighborhood, too. I would have gone out naked with my fire extinguisher to spray those little terrors and then I would have started screaming in an unintelligible Scottish dialect at the horrible neighbor. Yesterday I terrified a surveyor who was doing something in the reserve behind my house – “What are you doing”, I roared! It was hilarious watching him peep through the 8 foot fence trying to explain. Finally, as queen, of the neighborhood I allowed him to continue surveying. WTF!
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I did forget to mention that just before the woman came outside, I stooped down, put my hands on my knees and growled right back at that dog. (All the while, unbeknownst to me, my next door neighbor was watching from inside his car.)
Hahaha! I need you as my neighbor. I’d happily raise hell with you!
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ROTFLOL!!
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BOO! What a shitty day!
Also the tone of this post I kept expecting somewhere in there you to say ‘Boo, you whore!’ a la Regina King, Mean Girls. Not that you’re at all the Regina King type…but that it needed to be said. Lol.
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Wait, is that a compliment or not? I haven’t seen it! 😀 😀
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Well…Regina King is MEAN…and not a compliment…So I’m not saying you ARE her, just that those words needed to be said. Probably towards the idiot that just drove away.
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Hahaha! Okay, I got ya – I know a few people that need a hefty dose of Regina!
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Well hey, at least you let it all out!
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I had to! 😀
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Air soft. Not illegal, not deadly, just painful enough to get those little fuckers to understand they should stay out of your yard. Or paintball, if you want to let your neighbor know you mean business. Yeah, go with paintball.
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Oooo I like the way you think. Paintball would be ideal – if they come in glow-in-the-dark. That way they could shine with the light of my burning wrath…bright blood red in the middle of the night. Cuz you know she snuggles those little bastards.
Yes, yes, I like this. I’d be stroking my beard if I had one.
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Bwahahaha!
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Rick Moranis had it coming and Sigourney Weaver just needed to get someone or some inside…
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oh dear
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🙂 Yea I am out of it on so many levels
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oh holy fucks…you’re insanely amazing. you had me going every which way but loose. Love reading you
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Ah…you rock. Thank you. It’s not enough, but it’s what I have…my many thanks.
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You should have drop kicked that little shit across your yard.
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Hahaha! Yes! A kindred spirit!
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Can’t find your new post
Just thought I let you know
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Which new post? YOU SAW THAT? THE AUDIO ONE?
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ohmygosh, Sheldon! Get back here! 😀 Did you hear that?
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Yea the audio one
It’s been a real bad day
I had a Dr visit today
And it’s as though the Dr didn’t hear a word I said
Venting
😦
Here I am with my head in a bag
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Hehehe that audio one wasn’t supposed to post. I was testing it out, and it posted straight out without even going to draft. Did you hear it? I was talkin’.
I’m so sorry the doctor visit was shit. I really am. Want some soup and sci-fi?
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I had some real good chicken soup from the Amish framers Market
This could kill whatever alies you
I’m watching project runway
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Oo I bet that was the best chicken soup. Yummies.
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FUZZHOLES. That is all.
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😀
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Just a quick to let you know that we can hear you on “AudioPost Nov 20) but can’t comment or like and the answer is page not found.
Turtle Hugs
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Ahh thank you! I didn’t mean for that to post. I was testing out the audio post thingy. I THOUGHT it would make it a draft or something, so you could check it out. Good thing I didn’t talk nonsense just in case. I deleted it when I realized it had posted. But apparently everyone can still hear it anyway! 😀
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😀
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Anklebiters are the worst, and I think your Zuul analogy sums those fuckers up well. I saw a list of most ill-tempered dog breeds once, and do you think it had pit bulls, rottweilers or dobermans on it? No, just a bunch of little, kickable, asshole anklebiters. If I had those little terrors running through my neighborhood, I’d be buying myself a croquet mallet and using it liberally….
BTW, I do not listen to music on my phone either. I’m not even sure if you can…. it’s, like, 9 years old and I only use it to (gasp!) make emergency calls!
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GASP indeed! All I have is my phone and a little speaker I can plug it into (when I remember batteries). It cost like $5 at a discount store. Heh. It’s pretty useless most of the time.
Ill-tempered is the perfect word for those little asswipes. And I’ll consider the croquet mallet. Good idea. 😉
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Oh my goodness, you poor thing. I was cracking up, right up until we got to where you hit the other car. Don’t feel too bad. Back when I had my first car, I slammed right into someone just sitting in the parking lot of my college campus. And I slowly….found another parking spot. Yeah, I was that person. Let’s hope Friday is gonna have a better outlook for you & you can leave all your fucks on Tuesday 😉
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Hahaha! Awww I shouldn’t be laughing, but it’s always a comfort when someone can relate. Thank you…and it’s okay to laugh. I’m glad you were cracking up. 🙂
I had a truly terrible day yesterday as well. But a lovely friend from this blogging community helped me through it. Y’all are awesome. 🙂
Today will be better, and I hope it’s awesome for you, too!
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Very annoying I agree!
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Did someone say dog poop? 🙂
https://painkills2.wordpress.com/2015/03/25/two-things-to-avoid-while-taking-pictures/
https://painkills2.wordpress.com/2015/09/02/bantheban/
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HAHAHAHAHA you’re killin’ me! 😀
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C’mon dude, they weren’t that funny. 🙂 Sometimes when I see pictures of poop, it’s almost like I can smell it… and I throw up a little in the back of my mouth. 😀 (Just kidding, I’ve only thrown up a few times in my whole life.) And now I’m rambling…
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But! But! But inside, I’m like…uhm…a 14 year old kid (unfortunately, much more like a boy than a girl!). And I saw that poo and laughed my ass off! 😀 😀
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I heartily approve of rambles, except when they’re my own..working on that, too. 🙂
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As a woman, maybe I don’t find guy humor like The Three Stooges funny, but that doesn’t mean I’ve never found my own farts rather funny. 😀
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I hold those in until I’m nearly dead. Usually. But it is funny sometimes. 😀
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Living alone gives one certain privileges, like not having to hold in embarrassing things like burps and farts. 🙂
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Well, home is a different matter ENTIRELY. I have wars with the cats. So far, those stinky bastards are winning.
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Since I feel like I owe you an explanation, you can check out my comment to Beeps post today. Will still be “following” you and reading. Blog 2.0 for me starts in January when I move to Madison. Meanwhile a sabbatical so I don’t embarrass myself next time around. Cheers.
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It’s good to see you. I got pretty worked up and worried about you. I’m glad you’re okay.
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Thank you and sorry about. I may be bipolar? (I.e. Perma-hot mess.). Hope you re-follow me when I go back online in January. Until then I’ll be reading. Good luck with everything!
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No need to apologize, Andrew. Thank you so much for messaging me. And there’s no question – of course I will re-follow. 🌸
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You know what’s worse than a neighbor with stupid yippy dogs? A mother-in-law with stupid yippy dogs. WHO SHE BELIEVES ARE HER CHILDREN. (boot)
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Hahahaha noooooooo!
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Seriously, I fantasized about shanking that little a$$hole between the uprights so.many.times….THE LITTLE $HIT LIVED EIGHTEEN YEARS TOO.
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Oh no…those things are raging little terrors!
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Right? RIGHT?? Too mean to die….
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Thank you for making me laugh tonight. 🙂 😀
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Back atcha – as always….
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