The Selfish Blog Post

I’ve started this post no fewer than five times now. And I keep highlighting all of the text and pressing delete. I should take that as a sign that I shouldn’t post anything today.

I don’t feel well. I mean, I’m seriously beaten down right now, y’all. And I can’t find the words to adequately express what I’m going through. I keep trying, but it’s not connecting. It doesn’t resonate. Suffice it to say I’m incredibly sad and hurt. And I feel like an abused puppy. You know that saying about kicking someone when they’re down? That’s how I feel right now. And, though it’s hard for me to give myself enough credit to say that those feelings are valid, they really are. I have every reason and right to feel the way I’m feeling right now. Except, the darkest of the thoughts are dangerous. So I need help.

Yesterday, I cried all fucking day. Well. Off and on. And your stories and posts and laughs and sweet words pulled me through. And one person in particular helped me so so much. I feel indebted to you especially, and to all of you for being awesome.

So. I’m going to be selfish right now. I need a favor. I don’t want pity – please, I mean that sincerely. I don’t want to be told to chin up; tomorrow’s a new day; it could always be worse; blah fucking blah. You know?

I want your best jokes. Even if they’re the superlame ones – those are my favorites. Like this one:

A skeleton walks into a bar.
He orders a beer.
And a mop.

Y’all, that cracks me up like you would not believe. So hit me me, please, with your jokes and puns. Ohh, I really love puns!

Oo, oo, or you could link to funny blog posts! Yours or someone else’s. Yeah, yeah. We could exploit this as an opportunity for self-promotion.

Yes, I am shamelessly and selfishly asking you to make me smile. To remind me, again, that there is good in the world.

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167 thoughts on “The Selfish Blog Post”

  5. I am horrible at telling jokes, so instead I’ll be sappy. You are one of the bloggers I HAVE to read. I have very little time and so what time I do have is precious. I make it a point to read your blog posts and comment because I genuinely enjoy your writing. If it makes it better at all, I am feeling very similar to the way you are, thus my lack of funny posts. I am just not feeling it. Chin up and know that people all over the world tune it to read your words!

    Liked by 6 people

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    1. Aw, damnit! You made me cry some more…but don’t come back and apologize. These are special tears. 🙂

      Thank you so super much. And FYI, I feel the same about you. I’ve been spreading your link around among anyone I know.

      Thank you…and I hope you feel better soon, too.

      Liked by 1 person

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  6. Great post for a change 😉

    A joke, well take my wife, please…. Boom boom.

    How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
    Wi Jammin’

    A guy goes to the Drs, takes of his trousers and say to the Doc “Here have a look at this, no actually I mean these….” The Doc looks and see’s five willies. He says to the patient “How do your pants fit?” The patient replies “Like a glove!”

    Two aerials met and fell in love, they decided to get married, the wedding wasn’t much to talk of but the reception was amazing.

    Dr, Dr, I think I’m a dog.
    Okay, hop on the couch and I will take a look at you.
    I can’t I’m not allowed on the furniture…..

    Horse walks into a bar and the barman says “Why the long face”

    Horse walks into a bar and the barman says “We’ve got a drink named after you” and the horse replies “What? Eric?….”

    Hope at least one made you smile!

    Liked by 8 people

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    4. I just LOL’d in ballet rehearsal! Thanks for that! I think I may even have snorted when I laughed!!! My favourite was the “like a glove” one! Bwahahahaha!!!!

      Liked by 2 people

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  7. I seriously wish I had a joke for you. I racked my brain and apparently no jokes live there. I have forgotten, it seems, all the jokes ever told me. Then I searched the Internet but felt like I was cheating. So please accept my ghost joke, which is kind of a joke.

    Liked by 2 people

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  10. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
    CLIFF

    What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?
    SISTER MATIC!

    What do you call a blind dinosaur?
    Doyathinkhesawus

    Mary Rose sat on a pin. Mary rose…

    (The joy of working with 8 year olds, hope they help the smiles!)

    Liked by 2 people

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  12. No jokes here! I’m sorry …I’m one of those that instantly forgets the best joke ever. Not only that , it usually takes me twice the time as everyone else to “get” the joke. Which provides a lot of fun to my family because suddenly I start laughing out of nowhere (and the way I do it … makes them laugh even more than they did before …or are they laughing at me 😉 )
    “What is she laughing about ? oh she’s telling herself a joke for the first time”
    Hugs from the Crazy Turtle 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

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    1. HA! I love it! And also, I’m totally with you on insta-forgetting them. It’s a good thing the ones I’m being fed are in writing. That stuff just does not stick….I swear, I have a short-term memory problem! Or is it long-term problem. That thingy where I have a TERRIBLE time trying to commit something from short- to long-term. Good lord, I can run my mouth about anything… 😀

      Like

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  13. There’s two bears in the bath tube
    One says pass the soap
    The other says on soap radio
    Now aren’t you glad I didn’t say orange
    You can tune a piano but you can’t tune a fish
    The appeal of one is better than to peel a banana
    Ok so I’m not the nail you thought I was I am the screw
    Don’t let it bum you out its only bubbles bursting so find a stack of pancakes and it will all turn out
    Now how’s that for giggles and hugs
    The Sheldon perspective

    Liked by 2 people

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  14. Don’t mind me, if you don’t mind I also feel like I need a laugh so I’m enjoying the jokes with you if you don’t mind some pity party company:-) BTW, I enjoy all your follows – hope you danced on the table:-)

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. I didn’t dance on the table – I don’t have one sturdy enough for my ass, I’m afraid. 😉 But I did enjoy OutKast – I love me some OutKast!

      And of course I don’t mind…there are plenty of smiles and laughs and giggles and guffaws and snorts to go around – I always need company. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

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      2. Good idea – I usually use RHCP. Think: Hump de Bump. I need music therapy! Yes! That’s what I need!

        But I may go for OutKast this time. You’ve just given me a great idea for another selfish post. I want to ask everyone for their favorite fast-paced, upbeat, dancey songs!

        Liked by 1 person

  16. Thin sick asks thick sick “why are you so thick?”, thick sick replies “I don’t know, guess it was the way I was brought up “. Lame I know.
    I’m emotionally constipated, I haven’t given a shit in days.
    Hope your feeling much better, real soon 😃

    Liked by 2 people

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    1. I love it so much, the post and the warmth generated in your comments. Thank you – and it’s overwhelming…the compassion. I feel better already. I mean, I’m not great, but y’all have brought so much light to me today. I’m…I’m touched and flattered and honored and…thank you.

      I’m sorry…that you can understand how I feel. And I hope in some way all these jokes and sillies are helping you, too.

      Liked by 2 people

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  23. A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a gin and……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….tonic.”
    The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”
    The bear replies (with jazz hands) “Because I’m a bear!”

    (And now I’m laughing at my own joke…) 😀 x

    Liked by 3 people

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  24. Because I so enjoyed the Plato comic you posted, here is one in the same vein: Jean-Paul Sartre enters a cafe and sits at an empty table. He pulls out his manuscript of “Being and Nothingness” and begins editing it. A waiter comes over and asks what he would like. Sartre answers, “I would like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waiter shakes his head and answers, “I am sorry, sir, but we are out of cream. Perhaps you would like your coffee with no milk?” If that doesn’t get a snicker from you, you could always try laughing at my travel mistakes: http://bit.ly/1O8avvz.

    Liked by 1 person

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  25. Ah, jokes…let me see…I used to be a bartender in one of my past lives, so – you asked for it!
    XD

    Q. What’s red and has 7 dents in it?
    A. Snow White’s cherry.

    Q. What do you call a cow with three legs?
    A. Lean beef.

    Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
    A. Ground beef.

    Q. What do you call a whole herd of cows that are masturbating?
    A. Beef Stroganoff. (play on words there, wink wink, nudge nudge…)

    Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
    Why did the dead baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken.
    Why did the cannibal cross the road? It was eating the dead baby that was stapled to the chicken that was crossing the road.
    Why did the redneck cross the road? To shoot the cannibal that was eating the dead baby which was stapled to the chicken who was desperately trying to cross the road.
    Why did the biker cross the road?
    He didn’t…he was getting sick of this stoopid joke.

    😛

    Liked by 1 person

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      4. It really does work – my mood has improved so so much. I don’t have a support system IRL. And then I realized…wait. I DO have a support system. Just because it’s unconventional doesn’t mean it won’t work. And y’all came through like gangbusters. (What the hell does that phrase even mean?) 😀

        Liked by 2 people

      5. LMAO – I wonder about phrases sometimes, too…like “clean as a whistle” – is a whistle REALLY that friggin’ clean?!?

        And yes, you do have a support system…bugger conventionality!
        XD

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m still wrapping my head around that. I think that, too – every time I say “in real life,” I shake my head. Because this IS real to me. I’m not pretending.

        Thank you, Kerry. That…ah you’ve made me speechless (after I already said a zillion words anyway). Thank you. Hugs!

        Liked by 2 people

      3. You are more than welcome. Your hilarious posts make my life so much better so keep up the good work. The sensible part of me says, talk to a doctor if you feel life is too hard. Plenty of excellent medications and therapies out there apart from blogging.

        Liked by 2 people

      5. I resisted therapy and medication for years but found that it really allowed me to blossom as a person. The symptoms abated enough for me to be the funny, social person that I (mostly) am now. Sometimes just talking to a psychologist can help tremendously.

        Liked by 1 person

  33. I love your site Stephanie.

    You might like this joke:

    A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; “Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?” The mother paused and looked at her daughter. “Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey.” The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. “Mother?” She sweetly asked again. “Yes?” Her Mother replied. “Why is Grandma’s hair all grey?”

    Liked by 2 people

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      1. No I don’t have a site. I followed you here from Quixies Mind Palace.

        But I do have another joke:

        When the Smith family moved into their new house, a visiting grandparent asked five-year-old Tommy how he liked the new place. “It’s great,” he said. “I have my own room, Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad.”

        Liked by 3 people

  34. *grammar nazi favorite joke*

    “knock knock?”
    “who’s there?”
    “to.”
    “to who?”
    “no, to whom.”
    ——————————
    as a paramedic, I’ll be the first one to be bitten in a zombie apocalypse.
    ——————————
    I have a secret stash in my bathroom
    -of monopoly money in case I start to lose badly.
    ——————————

    I know I’m not funny, shut up, at least I don’t have a runny nose 😛

    Liked by 1 person

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  37. I am behind in reading and for one of my fave blogs too, I suck at jokes and riddles, have a mind like a sieve, that’s why in grade school I stole a book of jokes, because they were funny and I couldn’t remember them….I don’t remember what happened to the book, but if you smile, I shall give you the secret code to open the nutsack…..Brazil nuts in there, really big nuts😊🐿

    Liked by 1 person

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  39. Knock, knock
    Who’s there?
    Ima
    Ima who ?

    I’m an old cowhand from the Rio Grande
    But my legs ain’t bowed and my cheeks ain’t tan
    I’m a cowboy who never saw a cow
    Never roped a steer ’cause I don’t know how
    Sure ain’t a fixing to start in now
    Oh, yippie yi yo kayah, yippie yi yo kayah

    I’m an old cowhand and I come down from the Rio Grande
    And I learned to ride, ride, ride ‘fore I learned to stand
    I’m a riding fool who is up to date
    I know every trail in the Lone Star State
    ‘Cause I ride the range in a Ford V 8
    Oh, yippie yi yo kayah, yippie yi yo kayah

    Yippie yi yo kayah, yippie yi yo kayah

    We’re old cowhands from the Rio Grande
    And we come to town just to hear the band
    We know all the songs that the cowboys know
    ‘Bout the big corral where the doggies go
    We learned them all on the radio
    Yippie yi yo kayah, yippie yi yo kayah

    I’m an old cowhand
    (Oh yes, Mr. Bing)
    (Too hot for you, Uncle Fudd)
    Down from the Rio Grande
    Oh where the west is wild all around the borderland
    Where the buffalo roam around the zoo
    And the Injuns run up a rug or two
    And the old Bar X is just a barbecue, yeah
    Yippie yi yo kayah, yippie yi yo kayah

    I’m a pioneer who began from scratch
    I don’t bat an eye in a shootin’ match
    They don’t call me Elmer, they call me Satch
    Yippie yi yo kayah, yippie yi yo kayah

    Get along little horsy
    Get along little horsy
    Yippie yi yo kayah, oh

    Read more: Bing Crosby – I’m An Old Cowhand (From The Rio Grande) Lyrics | MetroLyrics

    Liked by 1 person

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  42. I know I’m late but I just wants to share a joke with you that my 4 year old son told me. Hopefully it can still cheer you up!

    What do you call two exploding monkeys?
    – Two Babooms! Hehe 😋

    Liked by 1 person

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  43. Perhaps a few more:

    What happened when the two antennas got married?
    The ceremony wasn’t that good but the reception was great!

    Little Johnny’s teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, “De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail.”

    Mother: “Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you’ll be late for school.”

Victor: “Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too.”

Mother: “Yes, you do.”

Victor: “Give me one good reason.”

Mother: “Because you’re 34 years old, and you’re the principal.”

    How does the ocean say goodbye?
    With a big wave

    Why do they put bells on cows?
    Because their horns don’t work!

    Liked by 2 people

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  45. A mother rushed her son into the ER because he had rifled through her purse and eaten wads of money. She’d been waiting in the lobby in hysterics until a doctor came out. He looked up at her solemnly.

    “Is he going to be all right, doctor?” The mother asked, wringing her hands.

    “Your son ate a lot of money, ma’am,” he replied. “But there’s no change yet.”

    [badum tss]

    Liked by 1 person

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  46. Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbour was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

    Liked by 1 person

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