I’ve started this post no fewer than five times now. And I keep highlighting all of the text and pressing delete. I should take that as a sign that I shouldn’t post anything today.
I don’t feel well. I mean, I’m seriously beaten down right now, y’all. And I can’t find the words to adequately express what I’m going through. I keep trying, but it’s not connecting. It doesn’t resonate. Suffice it to say I’m incredibly sad and hurt. And I feel like an abused puppy. You know that saying about kicking someone when they’re down? That’s how I feel right now. And, though it’s hard for me to give myself enough credit to say that those feelings are valid, they really are. I have every reason and right to feel the way I’m feeling right now. Except, the darkest of the thoughts are dangerous. So I need help.
Yesterday, I cried all fucking day. Well. Off and on. And your stories and posts and laughs and sweet words pulled me through. And one person in particular helped me so so much. I feel indebted to you especially, and to all of you for being awesome.
So. I’m going to be selfish right now. I need a favor. I don’t want pity – please, I mean that sincerely. I don’t want to be told to chin up; tomorrow’s a new day; it could always be worse; blah fucking blah. You know?
I want your best jokes. Even if they’re the superlame ones – those are my favorites. Like this one:
A skeleton walks into a bar.
He orders a beer.
And a mop.
Y’all, that cracks me up like you would not believe. So hit me me, please, with your jokes and puns. Ohh, I really love puns!
Oo, oo, or you could link to funny blog posts! Yours or someone else’s. Yeah, yeah. We could exploit this as an opportunity for self-promotion.
Yes, I am shamelessly and selfishly asking you to make me smile. To remind me, again, that there is good in the world.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Stew
Stew who?
Stew You when you let me in!
Bazinga! 😀
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Hehehe…that’s absurd and I love it! Thank you!
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Sorry to hear that you’re feeling down. Here’s a little Science for you:
A neutron walks into a bar. The Bartender turns to him and says, “For you, no charge”.
😉
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Hahaha! Cheesy AND geeky! Double win! Thank you!
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You’re most welcome. 🙂
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One muffin looked at another muffin in the oven. He said, “Man, it’s hot in here.”
The other one said, “Whoa….A talking muffin!”
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HAHAHAHA! Yes! I love it! Thank you!
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
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Oooo hehehe that’s a good one! Thank you!
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I am horrible at telling jokes, so instead I’ll be sappy. You are one of the bloggers I HAVE to read. I have very little time and so what time I do have is precious. I make it a point to read your blog posts and comment because I genuinely enjoy your writing. If it makes it better at all, I am feeling very similar to the way you are, thus my lack of funny posts. I am just not feeling it. Chin up and know that people all over the world tune it to read your words!
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Aw, damnit! You made me cry some more…but don’t come back and apologize. These are special tears. 🙂
Thank you so super much. And FYI, I feel the same about you. I’ve been spreading your link around among anyone I know.
Thank you…and I hope you feel better soon, too.
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Thank you, friend ☺️😘
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“Regarde, c’est un OVNI!”
*silence/no reaction*
Shucks, that only works for me.
Damn it, girl, I just ain’t that funny!
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HAHAHA! No, it works! What the hell did I say it sounded like? Shit. I can’t remember. But it’s funny anyway!
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IUD…and fancy oven mitts.
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YES THAT WAS IT 😀
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And you were thinking of the GUVNA.
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Oooo yeah, that works.
Maid: Could you help me with my OVNI, guvna? *coyly bats lashes*
Guvna: My, I thought you’d never ask. *creepy chuckle*
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Great post for a change 😉
A joke, well take my wife, please…. Boom boom.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi Jammin’
A guy goes to the Drs, takes of his trousers and say to the Doc “Here have a look at this, no actually I mean these….” The Doc looks and see’s five willies. He says to the patient “How do your pants fit?” The patient replies “Like a glove!”
Two aerials met and fell in love, they decided to get married, the wedding wasn’t much to talk of but the reception was amazing.
Dr, Dr, I think I’m a dog.
Okay, hop on the couch and I will take a look at you.
I can’t I’m not allowed on the furniture…..
Horse walks into a bar and the barman says “Why the long face”
Horse walks into a bar and the barman says “We’ve got a drink named after you” and the horse replies “What? Eric?….”
Hope at least one made you smile!
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Are you kidding me? Those are GREAT! Not only did I smile, but I also laughed! Gah, getting attention at work for laughing is sooo much better than for spontaneously erupting in tears. 😀
Thank you thank you thank you!
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My Pleasure Treasure!
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Brilliant.
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Cool!
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Great Bob Markey joke and I say this because I’m from Jamdown.
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Cool! Thanks!!
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I just LOL’d in ballet rehearsal! Thanks for that! I think I may even have snorted when I laughed!!! My favourite was the “like a glove” one! Bwahahahaha!!!!
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LIKE A GLOVE!!!!! 😀 😀 They’ve had me snorting for sure!
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Glad to be of embarrassment service value!
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I seriously wish I had a joke for you. I racked my brain and apparently no jokes live there. I have forgotten, it seems, all the jokes ever told me. Then I searched the Internet but felt like I was cheating. So please accept my ghost joke, which is kind of a joke.
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I accept! Thank you, Andrew. 🙂
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Feel better Stephanie 🙂 *hugs* This a recent joke I saw on a TV show.
Why was the computer stressed out when it got home from work? ‘Cause it had a hard drive.
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HAHA!! I love it – that’s my kinda joke! Thank you, thank you! 🙂
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Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no-body to go with!
That’s all I’ve got right now. I hope you start to feel better!
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Hehehe..that’s perfect! And it goes with mine, too! Thank you, Shaun. Truly. 🙂
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What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
CLIFF
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?
SISTER MATIC!
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Doyathinkhesawus
Mary Rose sat on a pin. Mary rose…
(The joy of working with 8 year olds, hope they help the smiles!)
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HAHAHA! Ohmygosh. Those are cheesy AND punny – the best kind! Andand, the blind dinosaur one works even better in a British or Aussie accent, because that “sawus” would be pronounced “saurus”!!! Thank you! 🙂
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Hehe, I did think about whether to spell it that way, but reckoned you’d get the idea. You’re welcome, I love a bit of cheese!
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Me, too! Thank you thank you 😀
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Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside – let me in!
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Hahaha! Yayah! You got it! 😀 😀
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Wasn’t off the top of my head..had to rely on the In’rnet.
“I’m emotionally constipated… haven’t given a shit in days.”
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HAHAHA! I NEED TO STEAL THAT! I’ll hit that phase in a day or so, when I go numb. That makes it sound MUCH better! 😀
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Steal away!
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No jokes here! I’m sorry …I’m one of those that instantly forgets the best joke ever. Not only that , it usually takes me twice the time as everyone else to “get” the joke. Which provides a lot of fun to my family because suddenly I start laughing out of nowhere (and the way I do it … makes them laugh even more than they did before …or are they laughing at me 😉 )
“What is she laughing about ? oh she’s telling herself a joke for the first time”
Hugs from the Crazy Turtle 🙂
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HA! I love it! And also, I’m totally with you on insta-forgetting them. It’s a good thing the ones I’m being fed are in writing. That stuff just does not stick….I swear, I have a short-term memory problem! Or is it long-term problem. That thingy where I have a TERRIBLE time trying to commit something from short- to long-term. Good lord, I can run my mouth about anything… 😀
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😀
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There’s two bears in the bath tube
One says pass the soap
The other says on soap radio
Now aren’t you glad I didn’t say orange
You can tune a piano but you can’t tune a fish
The appeal of one is better than to peel a banana
Ok so I’m not the nail you thought I was I am the screw
Don’t let it bum you out its only bubbles bursting so find a stack of pancakes and it will all turn out
Now how’s that for giggles and hugs
The Sheldon perspective
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Supersilly Sheldon, and I love it! Thank you so so much…as for giggles and hugs…two of my favorite things… 🙂
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Don’t mind me, if you don’t mind I also feel like I need a laugh so I’m enjoying the jokes with you if you don’t mind some pity party company:-) BTW, I enjoy all your follows – hope you danced on the table:-)
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I didn’t dance on the table – I don’t have one sturdy enough for my ass, I’m afraid. 😉 But I did enjoy OutKast – I love me some OutKast!
And of course I don’t mind…there are plenty of smiles and laughs and giggles and guffaws and snorts to go around – I always need company. 🙂
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Great to hear – I can shake myself out of gloom swagging to Outkast. You’ll be ok 🙂
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Good idea – I usually use RHCP. Think: Hump de Bump. I need music therapy! Yes! That’s what I need!
But I may go for OutKast this time. You’ve just given me a great idea for another selfish post. I want to ask everyone for their favorite fast-paced, upbeat, dancey songs!
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Love that idea, I’ll make a contribution when you ask. Sometimes you just gotta shake it… 🙂
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Like a Polaroid pictcha!
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I’m lousy at coming up with jokes, but I’m good with comics, so here’s one of my classics in an attempt to give you a laugh…
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hahahahaha! Ohmygosh, that’s so wrong and awesome…wrongsome! I’m laughing so hard! Ewwwww! 😀 😀
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Wrongsome! That’s a great word to describe my humor!
More wrongsomeness for the road…
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HA! HAHAHA! THAT’S SO WRONGSOME! I love all the restroom labels and and the tickling ribs and the nerf dart…ohmygosh!
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Thin sick asks thick sick “why are you so thick?”, thick sick replies “I don’t know, guess it was the way I was brought up “. Lame I know.
I’m emotionally constipated, I haven’t given a shit in days.
Hope your feeling much better, real soon 😃
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Thank you, thank you! And never fear lame around me – lame is my favorite! 🙂
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In that case. I went to a star wars themed restaurant and ordered the wookie special, have to say it was quite chewy 😜
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Hahaha!!! YES! Cheesy and geeky – bonus points! Thank you!
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Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy! Hope your day gets better
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Hahaha! Yay! I love it!! Thank you!! 🙂
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I was bawling all week. I understand how you feel. I comforted myself by painting. Then, I shared a poster with my readers. https://sabiscuit.wordpress.com/2015/11/20/compassion-is-trending-here/ I am happy to see that this post and the comments embody the poster’s message. Compassion is trending on your blog.
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I love it so much, the post and the warmth generated in your comments. Thank you – and it’s overwhelming…the compassion. I feel better already. I mean, I’m not great, but y’all have brought so much light to me today. I’m…I’m touched and flattered and honored and…thank you.
I’m sorry…that you can understand how I feel. And I hope in some way all these jokes and sillies are helping you, too.
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Thanks for spreading light. I wish you a peaceful weekend.
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Thank you, too – and I hope your weekend is filled with peace as well. I really do.
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A toothless termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here?” 🙂
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“A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
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Hahaha! Yay – you know. You get to the point where you think you’ve heard all the “A ____ walks into a bar” jokes – but there’s always a new one! I love it – thank you!
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I tried darlin! I’m terrible at jokes but that stupid one makes me laugh out loud for some reason. Hope your smiling more.
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I am; I am! Thank you so so much! 🙂
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Totally my pleasure darlin’
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Reblogged this on wwwpalfitness.
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Thank you, Paul!
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You’re welcome Steph:)
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this morning i made a Belgian waffle & in the afternoon i made a Dutchman talk complete & utter shit…
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HA! I had to read that one twice – love it, thank you!!!
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A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a gin and……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….tonic.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”
The bear replies (with jazz hands) “Because I’m a bear!”
(And now I’m laughing at my own joke…) 😀 x
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Hehehehehe! The jazz hands was a nice touch – I do jazz hands all the time. 😀
Love the joke – thank you!!
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Because I so enjoyed the Plato comic you posted, here is one in the same vein: Jean-Paul Sartre enters a cafe and sits at an empty table. He pulls out his manuscript of “Being and Nothingness” and begins editing it. A waiter comes over and asks what he would like. Sartre answers, “I would like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waiter shakes his head and answers, “I am sorry, sir, but we are out of cream. Perhaps you would like your coffee with no milk?” If that doesn’t get a snicker from you, you could always try laughing at my travel mistakes: http://bit.ly/1O8avvz.
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Haha! I love it! And what a great example – thank you so much. I’m going to check out that post, too! 🙂
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Ah, jokes…let me see…I used to be a bartender in one of my past lives, so – you asked for it!
XD
Q. What’s red and has 7 dents in it?
A. Snow White’s cherry.
Q. What do you call a cow with three legs?
A. Lean beef.
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.
Q. What do you call a whole herd of cows that are masturbating?
A. Beef Stroganoff. (play on words there, wink wink, nudge nudge…)
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Why did the dead baby cross the road? It was stapled to the chicken.
Why did the cannibal cross the road? It was eating the dead baby that was stapled to the chicken that was crossing the road.
Why did the redneck cross the road? To shoot the cannibal that was eating the dead baby which was stapled to the chicken who was desperately trying to cross the road.
Why did the biker cross the road?
He didn’t…he was getting sick of this stoopid joke.
😛
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Hahaha! WHOA! That’s some serious joke givin’ right there! Thank you so much – these are great! 😀 😀
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LOL – I’m glad that you liked them…if I think of some more old goodies I’ll be certain to share ’em!
😀
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Thank you!! 🙂
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You’re welcome – I know that a good laugh can help the blues go away…some of my friends IRL send me the craziest shit when I’m down, and it works!
😀
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It really does work – my mood has improved so so much. I don’t have a support system IRL. And then I realized…wait. I DO have a support system. Just because it’s unconventional doesn’t mean it won’t work. And y’all came through like gangbusters. (What the hell does that phrase even mean?) 😀
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LMAO – I wonder about phrases sometimes, too…like “clean as a whistle” – is a whistle REALLY that friggin’ clean?!?
And yes, you do have a support system…bugger conventionality!
XD
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Right?! Maybe clean as a whistle means someone is a dirty dirty whore! 😀
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ROFLMAO!!!
XD
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Hmmm…
Hopefully, that’ll show up as an image. If not, click the link for a smile. 🙂
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I’m sorry, what were you saying? 😉 I mean…hubba. I suddenly want to pick the guitar back up… hehe. Thank you. 🙂
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-0xq2Xg-_sw – White Chicks, Yo Mama jokes 🙂
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HAHAHA! Oh shit. I’m glad I didn’t try to watch that while I was on a call – that would NOT have gone over well. That was hilarious! Thank you!
Ohmygod Don King…. 😀 😀
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My pleasure!!
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Knock knock
Who’s there?
Nicholas
Nicholas who?
Nicholas girls shouldn’t climb trees
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BAHAHAHA! I’m going to confess to you that I read that out loud FIVE TIMES before it hit me. Hehehe…I love it! Thank you!
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Who wrote the book “Rusty bed springs”?
I.P. Knightly
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HAHAHAHA! 😀 😀 😀
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I took my wife to the Dr to sort out her Tourettes. Turns out she doesn’t have it. Apparently I am a cunt, and she does want me to fuck off…
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Heheheheheeee I heard that one the other day. Maybe you told it? 😀 It’s just as funny! I need to find someone to tell it to. Hmm…ONE person at work may appreciate it. I choose him. 😀
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“Doctor doctor I think I’m a pair of curtains! ”
“Well pull yourself together”
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Oooo that one works on a couple of levels, at least. 😉 hehehe good one, thank you!!!
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My husband sends you this one – “How many geologists does it take to screw in a light bulb”. “Who cares?”
He is feeling sensitive about the oil price and his sphincter control. 🙂
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Ahahaha! Awww! Tell him I have a terrible time converting short-term memories to long-term memories. Don’t tell him that if I had friends in real life, I would TOTALLY have read that post to them. 😀
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He says, “thanks!” You know we are friends in real life, don’t you? Hugs!
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I’m still wrapping my head around that. I think that, too – every time I say “in real life,” I shake my head. Because this IS real to me. I’m not pretending.
Thank you, Kerry. That…ah you’ve made me speechless (after I already said a zillion words anyway). Thank you. Hugs!
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You are more than welcome. Your hilarious posts make my life so much better so keep up the good work. The sensible part of me says, talk to a doctor if you feel life is too hard. Plenty of excellent medications and therapies out there apart from blogging.
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Thank you for such high praise. And thank you, too, for your sensible advice. I’m struggling over seeing someone, but I know…I know I need to. It’s time – no, it’s waaaay past time.
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I resisted therapy and medication for years but found that it really allowed me to blossom as a person. The symptoms abated enough for me to be the funny, social person that I (mostly) am now. Sometimes just talking to a psychologist can help tremendously.
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I love your site Stephanie.
You might like this joke:
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Hahahaha! Oh that’s a good one – clever little girl. She and I would get along well. 😉
And thank you for your kindness, Peter. What about you? Do you have a site?
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No I don’t have a site. I followed you here from Quixies Mind Palace.
But I do have another joke:
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I’m grateful and pleased to make your acquaintance!
Hehehe that one’s cute. Poor mom. 😀
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*grammar nazi favorite joke*
“knock knock?”
“who’s there?”
“to.”
“to who?”
“no, to whom.”
——————————
as a paramedic, I’ll be the first one to be bitten in a zombie apocalypse.
——————————
I have a secret stash in my bathroom
-of monopoly money in case I start to lose badly.
——————————
I know I’m not funny, shut up, at least I don’t have a runny nose 😛
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Hahaha! Those are totally funny! And that monopoly money one is sneaky as hell. I can dig it!
Thank you!!
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles.
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Hahaha yay!! This one’s adorable! Thank you!!
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What’s so living in Switzerland?
I don’t know but it must be good because they have a big plus on their flag!
*chin up, don’t cry and big hug*
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Hehehe, that’s a good one! Thank you, Kally! 🙂
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You’re welcome. Hope you’re feeling better now.
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I am behind in reading and for one of my fave blogs too, I suck at jokes and riddles, have a mind like a sieve, that’s why in grade school I stole a book of jokes, because they were funny and I couldn’t remember them….I don’t remember what happened to the book, but if you smile, I shall give you the secret code to open the nutsack…..Brazil nuts in there, really big nuts😊🐿
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Oo I’m smiling; I’m smiling! 😀
P.S. I have a crap memory for things like that, too. Hell, for most things. I don’t know any jokes – not even the ones everyone just gave me! I’ll re-read em, maybe compile em! 🙂
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What kind of shoes to frogs like best?
..
…
Open-TOAD shoes.
——-
I asked my son for a joke too… here’s what he gave me:
How do you make a tissue dance?
..
…
You put a little boogie in it.
🙂 xo
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Hahahaha! Open-toad and little boogie! Those are great – you’ll have to thank your son for me, too! Thank you, Sandra!! 😀
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Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ima
Ima who ?
I’m an old cowhand from the Rio Grande
But my legs ain’t bowed and my cheeks ain’t tan
I’m a cowboy who never saw a cow
Never roped a steer ’cause I don’t know how
Sure ain’t a fixing to start in now
Oh, yippie yi yo kayah, yippie yi yo kayah
I’m an old cowhand and I come down from the Rio Grande
And I learned to ride, ride, ride ‘fore I learned to stand
I’m a riding fool who is up to date
I know every trail in the Lone Star State
‘Cause I ride the range in a Ford V 8
Oh, yippie yi yo kayah, yippie yi yo kayah
Yippie yi yo kayah, yippie yi yo kayah
We’re old cowhands from the Rio Grande
And we come to town just to hear the band
We know all the songs that the cowboys know
‘Bout the big corral where the doggies go
We learned them all on the radio
Yippie yi yo kayah, yippie yi yo kayah
I’m an old cowhand
(Oh yes, Mr. Bing)
(Too hot for you, Uncle Fudd)
Down from the Rio Grande
Oh where the west is wild all around the borderland
Where the buffalo roam around the zoo
And the Injuns run up a rug or two
And the old Bar X is just a barbecue, yeah
Yippie yi yo kayah, yippie yi yo kayah
I’m a pioneer who began from scratch
I don’t bat an eye in a shootin’ match
They don’t call me Elmer, they call me Satch
Yippie yi yo kayah, yippie yi yo kayah
Get along little horsy
Get along little horsy
Yippie yi yo kayah, oh
Read more: Bing Crosby – I’m An Old Cowhand (From The Rio Grande) Lyrics | MetroLyrics
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Hahaha! Wow – I was about to say they don’t make songs like that anymore. But I suppose they do, if I tuned to certain stations. 😀
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I usually get kicked by the first yippy kiyo…
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😀
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I love that skeleton joke too!!
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A man walks into a par with a tiny piano and a ten-inch pianist… Oh no, I can’t tell that one!
(Gleefully stolen from Krusty the Clown.
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Hahaha! Nice…gotta love Krusty. 😉
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I know I’m late but I just wants to share a joke with you that my 4 year old son told me. Hopefully it can still cheer you up!
What do you call two exploding monkeys?
– Two Babooms! Hehe 😋
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Hahaha! I love it! And I definitely still need smiles…thank you, Jen!!
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I’m glad you enjoyed it! 😄
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Perhaps a few more:
What happened when the two antennas got married?
The ceremony wasn’t that good but the reception was great!
Little Johnny’s teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail. Little Johnny says, “De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail.”
Mother: “Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you’ll be late for school.” Victor: “Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too.” Mother: “Yes, you do.” Victor: “Give me one good reason.” Mother: “Because you’re 34 years old, and you’re the principal.”
How does the ocean say goodbye?
With a big wave
Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns don’t work!
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Hahaha! Those are fantastic, Peter! Thank you! And little Johnny sounds like he’s from around here. 😉
Always need a smile…thank you
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Hope you are feeling better today Stephallaneous. I am going to bookmark this post, thanks for the smiles 😊
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Thank you…I hope you’re having a lovely weekend. I’m glad you got some smiles out of this, too. 🙂
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A mother rushed her son into the ER because he had rifled through her purse and eaten wads of money. She’d been waiting in the lobby in hysterics until a doctor came out. He looked up at her solemnly.
“Is he going to be all right, doctor?” The mother asked, wringing her hands.
“Your son ate a lot of money, ma’am,” he replied. “But there’s no change yet.”
[badum tss]
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Hahahaha! Ewwww! This is great! 😂 thank you!!
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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?” “My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbour was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
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Ooo hahaha! Good one! Thank you, Peter!
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https://wanderingsoul2015blog.wordpress.com/2015/11/16/world-war-iii-the-golf-cart-ant-attack-and-the-mud-path/
Hey, you asked for it 😀
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Hehe hey, that’s clever and fun! Thank you! 🙂
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https://wanderingsoul2015blog.wordpress.com/2015/11/11/foot-in-mouth-syndrome/
Here’s another one. Hope they cheer you up 🙂
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Awww yay! Thank you!
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You might have seen this already – but it’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever read on the Internet:
http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html
OR
http://www.27bslash6.com/strata.html
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HAHAHAHA! Noooo, I’ve never seen those! I think I’ve seen something by “David” before, but not these. Great stuff – thank you so much!
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Oh good news! Glad I could share a laugh. 🙂
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Me, too! Thank you so so much!
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It’s been a dark week for me too. So….
What do ya call a cow with no legs?
GROUND BEEF.
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GROUND BEEF
GROUND BEEF
You’re my hero! HAHAHAHA!
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