Masks of Me

What do you see, when you look at me?
Do I look carefree? Do I, perchance, look happy?

If the answer is yes, then I have succeeded.
Because this is the mask I wear for you.

the_mask_of_happiness_by_mackb222-d4vympt

What do you see, when you look at me?
Do I look perturbed? Do I look angry?

If the answer is yes, then I have succeeded.
Because this is how I keep you away from me.

maskofanger

What do you see, when you look at me?
Do I look amused? Am I restless and hyper?

If the answer is yes, then I have succeeded.
Because I’m not only fooling you, but I’m also fooling me.

mask-3

What do you see, when you look at me?
Do I look sad? Do I look sullen?

If the answer is yes, then I have failed.
Because this is the me that I don’t want you to see.

sorrow

88 thoughts on “Masks of Me”

  1. This is beautiful, but I feel like I need to give you a cyber hug. It is not contagious and you don’t actually have to touch. I don’t like touching people. So, it is perfectly benign and without pressure. So, here goes :hug: How easy was that??

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    1. I tried again to write this morning. But I just keep creating this rambling mess of depressing shit. So I scrapped it and did this instead…thank you. Thank you supermuch. I’m with you – I don’t like touching people, either. But I will eagerly accept the cyber hug – I totally need it. *hug* Thank you. 🙂

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      2. I know, and the holidays aren’t helping. Not one bit. I’m sorry you’re going through it, too. I wish you couldn’t relate, but know you’re not suffering alone. We’ll swing back upwards soon…I hope… 🙂

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  4. This is beautiful but oh so sad. You should not have to hide your sad side. Letting people or a specific person see that side of you can be incredibly helpful in healing. Sending love and good vibes your way! Xoxo

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  6. This was lovely and so relateable – I don’t suffer from depression or anxiety myself but my partner does and he often describes his feelings in this way. I thought of you today – I was out shopping and found a silly Christmas gift. It was a box of ‘cheesy jokes’ in an authentic matured cheddar cheese box. I started to lay the jokes out to take a picture to send you but then security came along and looked a bit menacing, so I left!

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      2. Yeah! I’ve always been bugged by the whole “IRL” thing. Because on the one hand, it’s a way to refer to my life outside of the computer/cyberspace. But, it can also illegitimize (three cheers for made-up words) what happens here. And you’re a totally real buddy of mine. I love the little band of imaginary friends…I’m gonna steal it. 🙂

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  7. Many of us feel that if others knew what we are really like then they may not like us. But I suspect that if others see us as we really are we will find that we are quite alike. All of us put on masks of some kind.

    It is a relief when we don’t have pretend to be who we are not and can be just be who we are. That is why we can relax with animals and small children, we don’t need to pretend.

    It is brave of you to put your feelings out there, and I hope that all of us can accept each other as we are. You seem to have brought together a group of good people on this blog so that is a good start.

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    1. Thank you, Peter, for your kind words and your insightful thoughts. There’s no greater feeling in the world than finding someone with whom you feel free to be whatever you you may be. And you’re right, there is certainly a pretty epic group of people gathered right here in this little corner of cyberspace. And that right there is enough to sustain me today.

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      1. I hope so too, for you. Where are our bipolar clocks? You have two weeks, one day, and three hours of sullenness remaining. Although that might be even worse. Hang in there, yo — he says, at a loss for words, as usual —

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      2. Hahaha ohhhh shit, yeah, maybe the clock would be worse after all… If it’s that long, well..I won’t finish that thought.

        You aren’t at a loss for words. You’re kind and supportive, as usual. 🙂

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  12. This sounds a lot like how people feel when the suffer from a mental illness but are afraid to let someone in because of the stigma associated with it. We all have a facade but sometimes it is harder to see through the mask when you have a mental illness. Excellent post!

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      1. A facade isn’t necessarily a “bad” thing, however as a spouse to someone that is bi-polar, I have to be very mindful and realize when the facade is present so I can work to see behind the mask.

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  15. stephanie! what a lovely surprise that after The Fountain is to see you post the Glitch Mob (i am obsessed with black wings-so many great memories!). How happy am i for this? yes even when the rest of your post is a bit dark well i am happy you wrote it and happy you post it..i hope you re feeling much better after writing it. sweet dreams

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  16. This is beautifully creative, my sad friend. We all wear masks – me more than most. I don’t want to see pity in anyone’s eyes. Your real friends see right through the facade and that includes your cyber friends. Just like Miss McCupcakes, I send you a cyber hug but this one is a Scottish ‘bosie’ where you grasp someone tight to your breast. I torture Americans all the time by hugging and stroking complete strangers – European upbringing. 🙂

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      1. You know, when I first started blogging a long, long time ago I thought, these are my people. But then those people revealed themselves to be just the same as the people in my every day lives. I gave my heart to so many people, and it backfired tragically. Now, I’m as guarded as I ever was.

        Just know that you are hardly alone in your journey. I’ve worn a mask almost my entire life, and I get it. I truly do. It seems to be an expectation of society.

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      1. I lived the early part of my life with masks on to feel safe. I burned them a couple of years ago (smiles).

        You make it easy to be kind!

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  19. Really like this, thanks for sharing. 🙂

    “Everybody sees me as this sullen and insecure little thing. Those are just the sides of me that I feel it’s necessary to show because no one else seems to be showing them.” Fiona Apple

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  20. This simply breathtaking, but I can’t tell in which way. The poem in itself caught me in many of it’s lines if not all of them. You have a wonderful talent, perhaps what got me is I can relate to it through my own experiences in a way. The last part is something I can understand the most, it’s tough when people catch the sadness you try to bury within yourself. They try to get you to talk about it thinking it’ll help ease the feeling, but all it really does is pull it further to the surface.
    Thank you for sharing Steph.

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    1. Oh yeah, that’s *exactly* what happens to me, too. The more people attempt to pry my shit to the surface, the more likely I am to erupt in the dreaded PUBLIC TEARS. Those are the devil.

      Thank you so much for your kindness, Wes. I really do appreciate it.

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  27. Pingback: It just starts with a ‘Like’… | dialogueftdepths

  28. How did I miss this one?? I make a point of reading ALL your blog posts, but there were a few days in the past couple of weeks when I didn’t get around to reading anything on WordPress. What a beautiful, poignant poem you’ve written! Your words have moved me profoundly; the following part struck the deepest cord within me: “Because I’m not only fooling you, but I’m also fooling me.” Sending you a big hug…like fattymccupcakes, I’m not a ‘huggy’ person, so this is a non-touching hug of solidarity.

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    1. Thank you so much. It means so much to me to know that it struck you like that. I sure could use some fooling myself right about now. 🙂

      And don’t worry…I’m so behind on my blog reading now. I was keeping up so well, but I’ve lost days now. Grrr.

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      1. I get the feeling that you stress yourself out when you get behind on blog reading…I also do that to myself. No rush, no pressure…remember to breathe deeply and be gentle with yourself (that’s advice I’m giving to you AND myself).

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      2. Yes, I really do. That and email..I’m so behind, and then I berate myself and panic and get further behind until I don’t want to face it at all. It’s quite a healthy approach…….. 😀

        Thank you, truly. Whew… I’ll try to be gentle. 🙂

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Lay it on me!