What do you see, when you look at me?
Do I look carefree? Do I, perchance, look happy?
If the answer is yes, then I have succeeded.
Because this is the mask I wear for you.
What do you see, when you look at me?
Do I look perturbed? Do I look angry?
If the answer is yes, then I have succeeded.
Because this is how I keep you away from me.
What do you see, when you look at me?
Do I look amused? Am I restless and hyper?
If the answer is yes, then I have succeeded.
Because I’m not only fooling you, but I’m also fooling me.
What do you see, when you look at me?
Do I look sad? Do I look sullen?
If the answer is yes, then I have failed.
Because this is the me that I don’t want you to see.
This is beautiful, but I feel like I need to give you a cyber hug. It is not contagious and you don’t actually have to touch. I don’t like touching people. So, it is perfectly benign and without pressure. So, here goes :hug: How easy was that??
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I tried again to write this morning. But I just keep creating this rambling mess of depressing shit. So I scrapped it and did this instead…thank you. Thank you supermuch. I’m with you – I don’t like touching people, either. But I will eagerly accept the cyber hug – I totally need it. *hug* Thank you. 🙂
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Gosh, I’m going through a similar thing. I can’t seem to be funny. I guess life has to not screw you in order to feel funny 😕😒😔
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I know, and the holidays aren’t helping. Not one bit. I’m sorry you’re going through it, too. I wish you couldn’t relate, but know you’re not suffering alone. We’ll swing back upwards soon…I hope… 🙂
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Hopefully…
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might sound selfish, but I’m glad you did this instead… It’s beautiful Steph
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Oh thank you so much, Ndumiso. Thank you.
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🙂
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I have been there. Hoping you swing back upwards soonest. Sending sunshine your way.
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Thank you, Deb. Means a lot to me…thank you.
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Deeply beautiful, and all too real.
Just to change the mood, when I look at you, I see a drawing. 🙂
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Ahahaha! Okay, you got me. Damnit. I needed that laugh. Thank you. 🙂
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This is beautiful but oh so sad. You should not have to hide your sad side. Letting people or a specific person see that side of you can be incredibly helpful in healing. Sending love and good vibes your way! Xoxo
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Thank you, Jen – thoughtful and sweet as always. Thank you. 🙂
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Wow that was beautiful. Really well written. I hope things are going well for you.
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Thank you, Shaun. That’s kind of you… you’re always kind. 🙂
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It’s easy to be kind to other really kind people like yourself! Because you deserve it too!
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Shhhh, you’re gonna make me blush.
Damnit.
I mean, thank you. 🙂
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This was lovely and so relateable – I don’t suffer from depression or anxiety myself but my partner does and he often describes his feelings in this way. I thought of you today – I was out shopping and found a silly Christmas gift. It was a box of ‘cheesy jokes’ in an authentic matured cheddar cheese box. I started to lay the jokes out to take a picture to send you but then security came along and looked a bit menacing, so I left!
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Hahaha! Yay! I’m actually super touched that you thought of me outside of blogworld. I would have dug that box of cheesy jokes. 😀
Thank you for your kind words, Haylee. Thank you.
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You’re welcome. I think of many of you IRL – kind of like a little band of imaginary friends. You’re all COMPLETELY real, I simply can’t see you!
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Yeah! I’ve always been bugged by the whole “IRL” thing. Because on the one hand, it’s a way to refer to my life outside of the computer/cyberspace. But, it can also illegitimize (three cheers for made-up words) what happens here. And you’re a totally real buddy of mine. I love the little band of imaginary friends…I’m gonna steal it. 🙂
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Many of us feel that if others knew what we are really like then they may not like us. But I suspect that if others see us as we really are we will find that we are quite alike. All of us put on masks of some kind.
It is a relief when we don’t have pretend to be who we are not and can be just be who we are. That is why we can relax with animals and small children, we don’t need to pretend.
It is brave of you to put your feelings out there, and I hope that all of us can accept each other as we are. You seem to have brought together a group of good people on this blog so that is a good start.
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Thank you, Peter, for your kind words and your insightful thoughts. There’s no greater feeling in the world than finding someone with whom you feel free to be whatever you you may be. And you’re right, there is certainly a pretty epic group of people gathered right here in this little corner of cyberspace. And that right there is enough to sustain me today.
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As an Australian I say:
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HAHAHA YAAAAAY! Thank you, Peter!!
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I am glad I found this beautiful poem and this group of people, too!
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Thank you and welcome! Y’all restore some faith in humanity. 🙂
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Whoa! Stunningly revealing w/pathos straight from the heart, the soul… Wow! Very good, clear, sharp and personally poignant!
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What strong praise – I’m flattered and humbled. Thank you, truly. That means a lot to me. Thank you!
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I hate sullen. I know it all too well. That was brilliant, btw.
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Lovely to see you, Andrew. And I hate it, too…sullen, that is. When the fuck will I break free of it? Soon, I hope. 🙂
Thank you for your kind words. Thank you.
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I hope so too, for you. Where are our bipolar clocks? You have two weeks, one day, and three hours of sullenness remaining. Although that might be even worse. Hang in there, yo — he says, at a loss for words, as usual —
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Hahaha ohhhh shit, yeah, maybe the clock would be worse after all… If it’s that long, well..I won’t finish that thought.
You aren’t at a loss for words. You’re kind and supportive, as usual. 🙂
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Incidentally I am still loving on that U2 song. Multiple times a day. Forget how great they used to be!
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Mhm, there was a time I listened to that particular song each day. It helped improve my mood. Funny…you’re still loving on that U2 song, and I’m still loving on that Dylan song.
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Did you write this? It’s amazing! Have a great day! 🙂
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I did…but I stole the images from google.
Thank you, and I hope you have a great day as well. 🙂
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Brilliantly beautiful 👍A very true description of how we can only keep up the masquerade for so long. Excellent
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Thank you so so much – this means a lot to me.
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This sounds a lot like how people feel when the suffer from a mental illness but are afraid to let someone in because of the stigma associated with it. We all have a facade but sometimes it is harder to see through the mask when you have a mental illness. Excellent post!
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Hm, good point. I definitely have a facade or twelve. But I’m getting sick to death of them.
Thank you, Vic, for your kindness and your insight.
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A facade isn’t necessarily a “bad” thing, however as a spouse to someone that is bi-polar, I have to be very mindful and realize when the facade is present so I can work to see behind the mask.
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Your spouse is lucky to have someone so considerate and mindful. 🙂
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I wasn’t always that way, unfortunately I have had to learn many of these lessons the hard way.
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❤
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❤ thank you
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Beautifully put. Even when we claim to have #nofilter days, we continue to wear a mask of some sort. Thanks for being brave enough to pull yours off even for a little bit.
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Thank you, so much, for your kind words and thoughtfulness. Thank you.
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stephanie! what a lovely surprise that after The Fountain is to see you post the Glitch Mob (i am obsessed with black wings-so many great memories!). How happy am i for this? yes even when the rest of your post is a bit dark well i am happy you wrote it and happy you post it..i hope you re feeling much better after writing it. sweet dreams
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Haha! How great to find another fan of Glitch Mob, and of course it’s you, my Mansell friend! Thank you for your kind words. 🙂
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This is beautifully creative, my sad friend. We all wear masks – me more than most. I don’t want to see pity in anyone’s eyes. Your real friends see right through the facade and that includes your cyber friends. Just like Miss McCupcakes, I send you a cyber hug but this one is a Scottish ‘bosie’ where you grasp someone tight to your breast. I torture Americans all the time by hugging and stroking complete strangers – European upbringing. 🙂
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Haha yes indeed, that would be tortuous! But I thank you kindly for your hugs. Thank you, and thank you for your sweet words, too. *hug*
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You are most welcome – I am blowing kisses too that must be on both cheeks. 🙂
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This is, pretty much, my life.
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Mine, too…which is why I couldn’t do your audience participation.
And, I’m sorry to hear that.
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You know, when I first started blogging a long, long time ago I thought, these are my people. But then those people revealed themselves to be just the same as the people in my every day lives. I gave my heart to so many people, and it backfired tragically. Now, I’m as guarded as I ever was.
Just know that you are hardly alone in your journey. I’ve worn a mask almost my entire life, and I get it. I truly do. It seems to be an expectation of society.
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It is an expectation. Though, at the same time, you’re damned if you do because everyone wants to know “the real you.” And, like you, my trust has been burned at an almost 100% rate…
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I’m sorry to hear that. I wish I could say I was surprised…
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This is such a powerful post. I don’t have the adequate words to tell you just how much I love it.
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That means so much, Rita, truly. Thank you for your kindness.
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I lived the early part of my life with masks on to feel safe. I burned them a couple of years ago (smiles).
You make it easy to be kind!
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Ah, if only I could burn mine. Perhaps my day is ahead of me. 🙂
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Just keep walking – you’ll get there. I have enough hope for the two of us.
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Thank you so much, Rita.
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Really like this, thanks for sharing. 🙂
“Everybody sees me as this sullen and insecure little thing. Those are just the sides of me that I feel it’s necessary to show because no one else seems to be showing them.” Fiona Apple
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Thank you so much, truly. And how did you guess I love Fiona Apple? Great quote, and true…that’s the side most of us try to hide.
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This simply breathtaking, but I can’t tell in which way. The poem in itself caught me in many of it’s lines if not all of them. You have a wonderful talent, perhaps what got me is I can relate to it through my own experiences in a way. The last part is something I can understand the most, it’s tough when people catch the sadness you try to bury within yourself. They try to get you to talk about it thinking it’ll help ease the feeling, but all it really does is pull it further to the surface.
Thank you for sharing Steph.
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Oh yeah, that’s *exactly* what happens to me, too. The more people attempt to pry my shit to the surface, the more likely I am to erupt in the dreaded PUBLIC TEARS. Those are the devil.
Thank you so much for your kindness, Wes. I really do appreciate it.
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No problem I am always willing to be kind for my fellow bloggers 🙂 Hope everything gets better, wishing you nothing but the best.
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Thank you, Wes. Same to you. 🙂
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Sending sacks of nuts…..they always give smiles, I don’t care what mask you wear, they are all beautiful😊
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Good Morning, Kim…what a beautiful thing to say. Thank you so much! And I’ll take those nuts! 😀
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Got ‘me right here next to me…perhaps I will send a pic later😀🐿 and you are always most welcome my friend, 💜K
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Awesome post – you wrote exactly what I do…go figure, eh?
😉
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Wow, love this. Excellent read – I think everybody can relate.
❤
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Thank you so much, Sophia!
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wow… that’s all I have to say… wow
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This is right on point. A cyber hug , and a thumbs up for being the real you.
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Thank you so much…hugs… 🙂
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I believe this to be true.
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How did I miss this one?? I make a point of reading ALL your blog posts, but there were a few days in the past couple of weeks when I didn’t get around to reading anything on WordPress. What a beautiful, poignant poem you’ve written! Your words have moved me profoundly; the following part struck the deepest cord within me: “Because I’m not only fooling you, but I’m also fooling me.” Sending you a big hug…like fattymccupcakes, I’m not a ‘huggy’ person, so this is a non-touching hug of solidarity.
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Thank you so much. It means so much to me to know that it struck you like that. I sure could use some fooling myself right about now. 🙂
And don’t worry…I’m so behind on my blog reading now. I was keeping up so well, but I’ve lost days now. Grrr.
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I get the feeling that you stress yourself out when you get behind on blog reading…I also do that to myself. No rush, no pressure…remember to breathe deeply and be gentle with yourself (that’s advice I’m giving to you AND myself).
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Yes, I really do. That and email..I’m so behind, and then I berate myself and panic and get further behind until I don’t want to face it at all. It’s quite a healthy approach…….. 😀
Thank you, truly. Whew… I’ll try to be gentle. 🙂
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I feel your pain! I’m the same way (masochistic).
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