Prelude to a Shrunken Head, AKA Stephanie Prepares to be Therapized

P.S. I’m pissed that “therapized” is actually a word. Seriously, I googled “therapize,” and that fucker exists! I was so proud of making it up! Google defines it as “subject to psychological therapy” which is exactly what I meant by it!

Hmph. That’s a buncha bullshit right there. Anyway, yes I totally started this post with a postscript. Deal with it.

So, as you’ve probably guessed by now, this post is about the time I made a class of third graders write haiku about pickles. Except it’s totally not about that. Didn’t you even read the fucking postscript?

I’ve been considering therapy for a long time. I’m talkin’ years. But over the last year or so, my mind has gotten so dark that it frightens me. It’s time. It’s past time that I seek help.

The phone calls were hard to make. But I got help and was also told where to go if I need urgent care. I have an appointment for next Thursday, a week from today. And…and I’m proud of myself and also freaking right the fuck out. I need to get some things off of my chest, because I still can’t think straight. I can’t think of any funny anecdotes to share or anyone to slam in a humorous way. So I need to purge some darkness. Here goes.

~

MEMO

To:          Therapist
From:    Basketcasephanie
Date:     I don’t think that’s allowed between us, but thanks.
RE:         Things I wish you knew but will never be able to tell you in forty-five minutes.

MESSAGE

Trust – I don’t trust you. I’ve never met you, and I don’t trust you. You’re a woman, first off. And I’ve never not had my trust betrayed by a woman. I know you’re a therapist, and you have rules and blah blah blah. But you’re also human. And I don’t trust humans. Especially female ones. I know there are some great ones out there. I know. But I’m scared to open up to you, and I wish you knew that. I don’t want to spill my guts to you, only to find you either can’t help me or are dismissive of me. And I will live with the fear that you’ll tell all of my secrets. I don’t think you can help me. I think you’re a waste of my time and money. But as a dear soul recently said to me, I know what I’ve got right now. And it’s not working. So why not give something else a shot? So I’m giving you a shot. Please don’t break my trust and abandon me like everyone else has.

Please prove me wrong about you.

Lost and Afraid – I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to do therapy, and I don’t know how to do life anymore. I’m afraid if you can’t help me, no one can. I did go to therapy once. I was a child, and in some set of circumstances (the details of which I’m not privy to), my mother was required to take me to therapy. She took me and my sister to a counseling center for battered and abused women and children. I know we went several times. I remember the dark wood staircase and banister. The narrow foyer. The closed doors and hushed voices. I remember shaking and being afraid to speak.

I had to do Rorschach tests – I had to do a lot of those. They asked me a lot of strange questions. But the last thing I remember about that place is when they required us to draw pictures of our family life, specifically anything that upset or worried us. My sister drew this simple, common little family picture. A house in the background and a line of stick figures holding hands. I remember backing into a corner, going mute and refusing to move. I had this mixed feeling of fear that I would be punished for disobeying and fear of the consequences of drawing what was in my head. So I shook and stayed quiet and fought the urge to pee on myself. That’s the last time I remember going.

I’m scared you’re going to make me open up wounds for you to stare at and leave them to fester and rot. You’re going to ask me to draw mental pictures for you, then you’re going to send me on my way with a bandaid and an invoice. But I don’t know how to do life anymore, so here I am.

I’m still that scared little girl, cowering in the corner and trying not to piss her pants. I will have a panic attack in your office. I’m going to shake and sob and choke and dry heave.

Please help me.

Depression – You should know I’ve been depressed for so long that I don’t remember what it’s like to be free from it. You should know that I’m severely depressed. I have suicidal ideation, and the imaginings in my head are specific, planned and visual. You should know that I have no support system in my daily life, so I’ve reached out to people online. The loneliness I feel has seeped into the marrow of my bones, spread itself out and taken over my body and my mind. It’s rooted there, and I don’t think I’ll ever be free of it.

You should know that I hate myself, and I expect you to hate me, too. You should know that sometimes, when people talk to me, instead of listening, I’m smiling on the outside but screaming “FUCKYOU FUCKYOU FUCKYOU FUCKYOU SHUTTHEFUCKUP LEAVEMEALONE” over and over in my head. This will happen when you talk to me, too. Another reason that I don’t think this talk therapy bullshit is going to work.

I’m unhappy with myself. I’m unhappy with my job. I’m unhappy with my past. I’m unhappy with my present. I’m unhappy with my stagnation. I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings. I sleep all weekend to escape the maddening loneliness and the dark thoughts. I don’t take care of myself. My house is a wreck, my clothes are wrinkled, my hair stays in a messy ponytail, and I don’t give a fuck. I don’t give a fuck about you or anyone else or what you think or whether I live, die or grow mushrooms out of my ass.

But I do care. I’m drowning, and you’re my last hope.

CPTSD – You should know I suspect I’m suffering from CPTSD as well. I’ve never recovered from childhood abuse. I’ve never recovered from being emotionally, physically and sexually abused. And I hate myself. I hate myself for being weak. I hate myself for not getting over it. I hate myself for not speaking up when things happened. I hate myself for not holding people accountable for their crimes. I hate myself for considering it crimes, when so many suffered so much worse. And I hate myself for diminishing it. I just hate myself.

Every time I’ve seen him, even as a woman in my thirties, I feel an urge to piss my pants. I shake. My voice shakes, my body shakes. I shake all over and I have a visceral reaction. I get nauseated, tense and void my bladder. I’m scared to death that you’re going to tell me to confront him and refuse to continue treatment with me when I refuse to do so. I will not confront him. I will not go to him, regardless of what he’s going through right now. Fuck him and fuck you for suggesting it.

Please help the terrified little girl inside of me. Please don’t make me talk to him.

Bipolar Disorder – My uncle is a severe Bipolar I. My mother is Bipolar II. I’m afraid and also hoping that you will tell me I’m bipolar as well. I suspect Bipolar II, like my mother. I’m afraid, because I swore I’d never be like her. But fuck me if I haven’t turned into that depressing, reclusive, manic crazy person who shuts out the whole world. Except she’s a selfish bitch. I at least missed the boat on that, mostly.

But I’m hopeful because it would make me feel relief to know that what I experience is happening for a reason. That my severe depressive episodes, intermingled with swings high up into the rafters, laughing, playful, energetic and making grandiose plans for my life, then back down to hyper anger, then back down to deep dark suicidal depression, that all of that is happening because of a real condition.

But I’m also hoping that’s not it, because I know I have real, valid reasons for being depressed. Loneliness does things to a sensitive, emotional person like me. It fucks me up. It really fucks me up. And yet it’s hard to let anyone in because of severe trust issues. But…but…does that explain the intermittent mania and mixed episodes? The incredible difficulties with sleep?

Whatever it is, please tell me it’s treatable. I can’t stand this suffering anymore.

Social Anxiety – I can’t stand to be in public. Just being in this room with you right here and right now is making my skin crawl. Are you looking at me askance? I saw the way you looked at my size. I saw the way you looked at my unkempt hair and wrinkled shirt. I know my hoodie isn’t professional like your pressed blazer. I’d live my life within the confines of my house if I could. But I can’t. So I exit the premises, each and every day, with great reluctance and lead in my stomach.

I hate grocery shopping and put it off until there’s nothing but tap water and moldy cheese left. Because of the people. They look at me. They think hateful thoughts about me. They whisper to each other about me. They accuse the contents of my cart. They snicker at the way I walk. This is how I feel, everywhere I go, in public. I don’t have friends; I don’t talk to my neighbors; I don’t socialize with my coworkers. I don’t leave the house unless it’s mandatory – work, grocery, fuel, etc.

As I entered the door here, to this counseling center, I wondered how many people I knew saw me. I wonder if the insurance company will report to my employer that I’m a headcase. I wonder if you’ll go home and tell your spouse about the neurotic woman who wasted your time today and dirtied up your couch with her presence. I fidget, I shake, my heart races. Can you help me coexist with other humans, without thinking everyone is out to get me? Can you help me not want to literally run and hide when some coworker asks me to lunch?

Can you help me be normal?

Self-Harm – I hurt myself. Not with knives or scissors. Not with booze or pills. I pick and rip and tear at my skin. Around my nails, on my chin, on my arms, on my thighs. It’s disgusting and shameful, and I can’t fucking stop. It hurts, and it scars. I don’t like it. I’ve tried hitting myself when I do it. It doesn’t work. I’ve tried coating sores in ointment, but I just wipe it off and do it again. The scars I have will always be there, but I’m tired of making new ones. I just don’t know how to stop.

I don’t want to hurt myself anymore.

Self-Worth – I don’t feel worthy of your time. I don’t feel like I deserve to be here, when there are people in greater need and more deserving than I am. I’m afraid you’ll find me insipid and petty. I don’t want you to tell me to fucking love myself, okay? If you tell me that, I may fucking walk out. Don’t do that. You’re a therapist; don’t fucking talk down to me with canned bullshit. You don’t tell someone who thinks she’s a piece of shit that everything will be right as rain if you just start loving yourself. Don’t you think I would if I could? I don’t feel like I deserve anything good or nice or lovely or pretty or sweet. But I’m here anyway.

I’m here anyway, because no matter how fucking hard I try to kill off my last piece of hope so I don’t get hurt. Again. For the zillionth time. I can’t stop hoping. Hoping for something better. Hoping someone will prove me wrong about myself. Hoping I’m worth it. Hoping there’s a reason to this charade called life. So I’m here. Talking with you.

Please give me reason to hope.

~

Forty-five minutes isn’t enough time. And I’m upset and anxiety-ridden that I have to return to work after this. You will rip things open and send me back out into the world. Please. I’m begging you. I’m begging the universe. Please make it worth it.

Please fix me.

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149 thoughts on “Prelude to a Shrunken Head, AKA Stephanie Prepares to be Therapized

  1. Fucking hell, Stephanie. I’ve got to repost this because it’s so fucking perfect. ❤ I think you need to get your counselor's email and send this to her. It'll only take her a few minutes to read, but it's SO important to know. Oh, goddess. ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 7 people

      1. ❤ ❤ Just saw the hearts and comment about emailing that….sometimes the reply preview window cuts things off. That makes me nervous – but you know what? I'm gonna see if I can find her email address…. 🙂

        Liked by 3 people

  2. Holy crap.
    I am so amazed that you were able to share so much.
    I thought that in the past I had problems but fuck.
    I was a complete fuck up but look at me now. I am forging ahead and see a future. Yes I still have some issues but through the support of Mental Health Practitioners, my own Doctor, my Surgery consultants, the strength of a few CLOSE family and friends AND using this medium on WP as a way of processing my thoughts, I have finally started to turn the corner and am happier now than I have been in years.
    I am not saying this to fuck you off, but to tell you I am proof there is light at the end of that tunnel. You can get you life back and start living it the way YOU want. It will not happen overnight but it WILL happen.
    I absolutely promise you this Stephanie, you can contact me through my blog at ANY time and I will sincerely do my VERY best to help you, even if it is just listening to you rant or vent or moan or whatever you need.
    I can tell through your writing you are funny, erudite and STRONG. You know what you want you just need to start finding your voice so you can tell these people to FUCK off that you want to live YOUR life.

    Please don’t hurt yourself, that is not the answer, please try to get a modicum of order in your mind. Maybe start with a list of all the things you want to happen, regardless of how mundane or unrealistic they are. Start with a zap around your house, move on to a cleansing of your refrigerator (because whether you like it or not, if you eat shit, you feel shit) and replace the crap with healthy choices then take yourself off for a long soak and centre yourself.

    You need to spend a little time loving yourself each day.

    It gets easier.

    Please be careful and please look after yourself.

    Cameron

    Liked by 7 people

    1. Cameron,
      I hardly know what to say, but I’ll try because you deserve a reply. This was absolutely beautiful, and it warmed my heart to see your outpouring of concern and support. Truly, I thank you so much. And I’m fighting. I’m fighting so hard. I was alone over Thanksgiving, but you’d be happy to know, I think, that I kept myself busy and tinkered and cleaned the kitchen and cooked. Anything to keep me from moping in bed. My hope now is that I can stay strong through the weekend. But I can certainly promise you I intend to try.
      Thank you, again. For your kindness, your encouragement, and your suggestions. For reaching out to me, most of all.
      Thank you…

      Liked by 4 people

      1. I honestly mean it Stephanie.
        If you need to vent or rant or simply moan, just email me.
        I am glad that you had a busy day and I am glad that you are looking forward.
        Remember this Stephanie, Rome was NOT built in a day and it is the aggregation of margins that makes us great. Some any insignificant victory every day makes for a huge amount of victories at the end of the month.
        When you see these things coming together, life WILL be better.
        You are strong and can do this so keep on keeping on.
        Stay safe.

        Liked by 4 people

      2. Thank you, so so much. It does mean a lot to me.

        I’ve recognized for some time that I could accomplish more if I only had support. That’s why I’m here. Online. Not only to vent, but to find lovely people like you who actually care about each other. It’s so refreshing from my usual day to day. This community amazes me every day.

        And I’m dragging myself, kicking and screaming, to therapy. I had no idea that my insurance covered such. As soon as I found out they do, I started calling. But I got overwhelmed. So another wordpress buddy told me that if I called my insurance company, they would help me. So I did…and they took so much pressure off by just telling me where to go.

        I’m rambling. Just…just know that I’m incredibly grateful.

        Liked by 4 people

      1. Wish I could really help 😦 more than just say that I can relate , and that you can always contact me if you want to vent (and send me all the fuck words 😉 ) .You are clever and strong you will make it ❤

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Hehe, you know I need my fuck words. 😀

        Thank you – it really means a lot to me. And I’m sorry that you can relate. I know what that means, and I wish you couldn’t..but thank you, for being here with me.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Hi Stephanie,

    First, I’ve only been following your blog for a short time, but you are one of my favorites. You have worth.

    Second, yes you do need help. I wish I could help you more than just following,”liking”, and commenting.

    You should print this the above and give it to your therapist to read before you get started. She will be you first guide on the road to happy. Just realize that a therapist is just a surrogate for a good friend – someone you can talk to. Oh sure, she’s had training in dealing with people’s emotional problems, but the most she can do his help you fix yourself.

    Ask her to also recommend a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who can prescribe medicine (OK drugs). A therapist can not do this. More often than not depression is caused by insufficient or imbalanced neurotransmitters in the brain that frequently respond well to medical treatment. This is especially true for PTSD where the pychlogical trauma can permanently rewire the brain. I am not a doctor nor do I play one on TV, but I do read.

    Please, please know that yes, you are sick and need treatment. But also know that there nothing “bad” about you. Also know that “normal” is a very fluid definition. You should strive to be happy.

    PS I can fully get into the sleeping all weekend 🙂

    Liked by 7 people

    1. Haha sleeping all weekend IS good sometimes. But when I do it because of depression, it feels deadly to my spirit. I want to be happy and light and carefree. I feel it inside of me, but it’s trapped under six tons of shit.

      Thank you for your kindness and your suggestions. Everyone seems to agree that I need to email or print that off and give it to the therapist. I think y’all are talking me into it. 🙂

      I did talk with my insurance company, and I expressed to them that I was unhappy with not being able to find an available psychiatrist in case I do need medication. But I can’t find one that can see me before the end of February, so they’re sending me here for now… I’m not ruling medication out.

      Liked by 4 people

      1. Dude, that’s totally a sign. Not that I believe in signs, but that’s totally a sign. I read through that post the other day, but I kept it open in a different tab because I felt rushed when I was reading it and have been intending to return to it.

        Thank you, for the reminder. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Sheldon. Always a delight to read you, to talk with you.

      I’m sorry that you know this pain. I am, and I wish I could get us both fixed. Hell, I’d fix everyone if I could.

      Thank you for your kindness and support.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I am sitting here trying to concentrate on doing a collage and its almost to the point of painful
        Do you know what’s that like for me to have my love turn its back
        It’s a very hopeless feeling
        I was sick yesterday
        No thanksgiving for me
        I sat alone on the couch all day in pain physically
        I hate all this bullshit but is a real as a dollar bill
        I’m going to have to call my therapist today
        To set up an appointment
        I’ve been having physical issue that is pushing at me
        There isn’t a cure for all of this
        But standing still isn’t good either
        My age isn’t any help
        The older you get the more help you need
        I’m swimming in my own spit rite now
        Lost in a world of uncertainty
        One thing I do know
        If you let the demons control you
        Then there’s no hope
        As always Sheldon

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Please do call, Sheldon. I hope you already have called. And if you haven’t, please do. Call your therapist; set up an appointment. Thank you for sharing here with me, and I’m sorry you’re suffering. Please know that even though you’re physically alone, you aren’t alone in spirit. I hope that counts, even a little.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. I love and feel this a bit too much. It’s scary because I could see myself in most of the sentences. Where I am, we don’t see therapists, don’t get medication for any of the dark moments. I just forge on with a smile on my face, and sometime break down and cry when I get home alone(like I did yesterday). I read blogs of people I feel are like me, and I guess I feel like I sort myself following what they do. Good luck Thursday. And keep the smile and laughter on. Sometimes I feel it’s all I have that the world truly sees.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Deb, and I’m so sorry that you don’t have resources available at home. I realize I’m fortunate to have places to turn to for help. Even when I feel alone and abandoned, I know there are facilities I can turn to should I choose.

      I’m glad you’re here, at least, reaching out and connecting with others. That alone has helped me so much and gotten me through some serious darkness.

      Thank you, Deb, truly. And let’s both keep smiling and laughing, huh? 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh my lovely, and beautiful Stephanie! My heart actually broke into 5 trillion pieces when I read that. Precious, precious Steph. I am so glad that you are taking this step, and I just hope like hell the therapist you see is decent! If they are decent, none of your concerns should be a concern at all.

    I think emailing that to her ahead of time would be a really good idea. It will give her a lot of really important information, and if she is worth her salt, she will be able to guide you through some sort of healing process that will work for you.

    I’ll be thinking of you next Thursday (and all the days before that too!). You have taken a very brave, and dare I say “necessary”, step. Know that we are here to support you – I can post more poo stories if you like?

    ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️💩💩💩💩💩❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much, Lola….this was so beautiful and kind, and it means so much to me.

      You’re echoing what a few others have said – about emailing that to the therapist ahead of time. I’ll see about working up the nerve to do that. So many agree on it that it’s probably something I should do…

      Thank you, thank you, thank you. And woman, I would love more poo stories. 😀 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Your therapist should see this.

    Remember – trust isn’t built in one session but will take time. You have to focus and commit yourself to the process.

    Wishing you the best. Take care.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Vic. I’m trying – I feel better today, having gotten that out and receiving such beautiful support from you and everyone else. I know I’m not done being a nervous wreck, and I will be a complete headcase come Thursday…but I’m determined to follow through. Determined.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I don’t know what to say my friend, certainly not something funny and flip but wow, you are so amazingly strong to write this. That right there is an amazing first big huge assed step…wow, yeah, I was with you there at the childhood therapist, reliving the stairs and dark corridors…I think we must have gone to the same one…really, it was just like that…scary to go back to that but you can trust people, even women….I’m one and I like to think of you as my virtual bud in humorous crime so to speak. You’ve a long way to go as that’s how life sometimes is, but if you keep taking huge steps like this then I know you will hit that finish line and grab the trophy of “see that idiots, I could do it so shove it” and that will feel good. And you will do it quicker than others because you Are a rockstar person who knows what you need and although it is scary, you will do it. Wow, with you my friend…and to just be cute, I will reserve a special stephsack just for you with your faves, ‘Kay? Promise.🐿🙃

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I know..it’s crazy to me how many women I’ve connected with here. You’re awesome, and I trust you. In person, I never would have given you a chance. That’s most likely the truth 100 percent. For that reason, and so many more, I’m glad to have this outlet. This place where I feel safer to trust. Because you’re awesome, and I’m super thankful for you and your humor and wonder.

      Thank you for your support and encouragement…it means so much. And I’ll definitely be hoping for that stephsack…I’ll do my best to earn it next week. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. See, that’s the beauty of it, you don’t have to earn it…it’s like the movie quote, you had me at hello. If you find in this world people who make you smile, laugh and cry, not necessarily at the same time…and they take the time to,be a part of the journey, it is already theirs ….always been, it’s just invisible until you believe and trust😊 I think you find as you get older and the ego gets out of the way and life just becomes calm and more beautiful, the only ones who you can’t trust are the ones who can’t trust theirselves and need to tear another down to feel that false sense of self that’s better than it is….empty shells of nothing…but to those who are open and take the chance, well that my friend is the first step to this amazing life and friendship. You don’t have to be funny for others to like you, just being genuine is the gift, humor is the icing of course…but I shall make you something fun just so you don’t forget how awesome and special you are😊peace and love, K

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Damnit, woman. You’ve gone and made me cry. Good tears. Healthy tears. Thank you…I hardly know what to say aside from thank you…and I hope you know how deeply and sincerely I mean it. Peace and love to you as well, Kim… 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Zipsride…I love that email address. Of course you’d have a fun one. 🙂

        Thank you Kim…supermuch. I want to say you don’t have to do anything special for me, but I know you will anyway….I’m…ahhh thank you… 🙂 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      4. Just sayin, if you ever need me, you know how to find me….you’re worth it, just want you to know….been down many roads and many a good folk have dragged my ass up and told me what’s what….I know a good soul when I see it, and like I said,
        I’m there when needed….although if you think I’ll be up past 9pm eastern time…don’t be surprised to get reply at 4:30 same time….as I like my nappy nap time and can’t hear the IPad calling me….but I talk to it every morning over my coffee….but I do carry a might fine selection of nuts….just sayin’. Peace to you beautiful, K

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Hehe…you and those nuts. I love it…I think I have a bag of pistachios at work. I’ll have to tear into those tomorrow – is it weird to say I’ll be thinking of you while I have some nuts? 😀

        Thank you, Kim..your kindness support mean a lot to me. Hugs…lots of hugs and flowers…. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Why the heck you working on a Sunday? Oh, you must work for a schmancy football team with a bitchy boss, eh? And you think I don’t read about your crappy co workers, huh? Just kidding…people like that make work Suck with a Capital S. Will be thinking of you…email me if you want to call them evil names…I won’t say it came from you….trust me, no bother and if I haven’t told you yet, I am thankful for You and the way you make people smile when they need it, thats a gift that not many possess and I hope you know it is cherished by many, me especially. Pistachios rock….are they the red kind that turn your lips like a hooker in lipstick? Or green that keeps calm and makes you poop good…my god, did I say that out loud…OMG, I am my mother….disregard that last statement…but I hope it made you laugh as much as me picturing being my Ma……peace and love and laughter, K

        Liked by 1 person

      7. HAHAHA oooops, this long holiday time off has me all messed up. I forgot I get a whole ‘nother day! Yippee!!
        They’re green pistachios…I DIDN’T KNOW THERE WERE RED ONES. WHAT SORCERY IS THIS! I WANT HOOKER NUTS!

        I’m laughing so hard…thank you, Kim! ❤

        YOU rock!

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Hooker nuts? Now you’ve got me busting a lung…perhaps busting a gut with all the Thanksgiving finery…and did I mention the wee tiny Tom Thumb bowl if you can call it that of egg nog gelato…now that was some good shit….I figured healthier than drinking the quart in my fridge…like the frozen liquid stuff…makes me think I’m doing something good for the old bod…eh, maybe not so much…congrats on the extra day off….SpriZe! Cool beans, huh? One more day to fuck off and do what you dream of…or sleep in and say Fuck it…doin’ what I want ….making child tongue face here…nahnahnahnah nah nah!!!!!😋

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Hahaha! Look at you go – I saw all those F words, woman! Don’t worry, I’ll never tell.

        I’m glad you reminded me tomorrow is Sunday…it would have been a buncha bullshit if I’d rolled up to the office. Oooo I would have been hot. Wish I could cool off with some EGG NOG GELATO WHAT! NO FAIR!

        Speaking of Hooker Nuts..I wonder if you can find those at truck stops? Wish me luck!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Wow I’m so moved by your honesty and so sorry for your suffering 😦 just know you aren’t alone. Reading this I kept thinking me too, yup I do that as well. You might not have support at home but you’ll always find support here ♡
    You are so brave, going to therapy isn’t easy. Telling all your deepest thoughts to a complete stranger. It’s a big step be proud of yourself 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, Lizzie. I’m sorry you can relate so well. Like you said, at least we have support here, huh?

      Thank you, thank you…I’m proud for the first step. Hoping I can make myself proud again on Thursday. 🙂

      Like

  9. Adding my voice to the “hallelujah chorus” in the comments. You are worthy, Stephanie. You can do this. Just rememeber, all the years you’ve lived with this cannot be undone in 45 minutes. It’s going to take time; and while it may not be as fast as you want it to be, it will happen. Best of luck to you on Thursday, and I agree-email or take that memo to the therapist. If nothing else, it will give her some idea of what is going on with you and help her help you. And, I’ll be thinking of you, of course…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, so so much. This hallelujah chorus has brought me to my knees, humbling me with such generosity of spirit. And I thank you for being here. I hope you know what it means to me.

      Gah, y’all are totally gonna make me get that memo to the therapist…I’ll try. I’ll try… 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  10. A massive well done for this and as everyone has already mentioned, show your therapist as it will help them see where you’re at. And if it doesn’t, get another bloody therapist because clearly they’ll be stupid to disregard it! I hope it goes well for you and it doesn’t put you off continuing with the support. Super brave hugs to you 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You raise a good point, about another therapist…I’m scared to death that if she’s shit that I’ll throw my hands up in the air and say “Welp…I tried that and it got me nowhere! Fuck it!” But I know that’s the wrong attitude. I have to be willing to keep seeking help until I actually find it.

      Thank you, and thank you for your encouragement, Haylee. Hugs! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. But at least you’re acknowledging that you need to keep at it until you find ways to make you feel more at ease. My other half won’t even entertain the idea of having some form of counselling for pretty much the same reasons as you’ve outlined. It breaks my heart to see him struggle but be unable to accept or seek help. I just have to wait until he’s ready and look after him the best I can until then. So at least you’re at the point of wanting to access the help, even though you’re understandably petrified by the notion.
        And you’re very welcome for the encouragement. It’s sometimes difficult to know what to say as I can’t pretend to know what you’re actually going through. I can only see it from the perspective of watching my partner suffer and how he tries to explain his feelings to me.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. He’s so lucky to have you as his partner – actively seeking to understand and to help and encourage him. I’m quite sure he thanks you, but I’ll thank you for him, too – for being so supportive of him.

        It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, of willingness to put myself out there with a therapist. I may end up regretting it, but I’ve reached my – I’ve had enough and can’t take it anymore or I’ll do something bad – point.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You don’t need to thank me (although it’s appreciated). Things will get better, even if it’s happens incredibly slowly. I have to keep believing that and I hope you will too 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  11. This is so honest and open. It is incredibly moving. I am going to join everyone else who said that you should find a way to get this to your therapist, whether by email or printing it off and bringing it to her. My heart goes out to you so much on this. You deserve to be the person you want to be, free from all that has held you back all these years from being the Stephanie you want. You do deserve that, and I’m so proud of you for taking this step. I’m hoping for the best for you! 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you so much, Shaun. You mean a lot to me, and I appreciate your support and encouragement.

      Y’all are showing me that when the therapist asks me whether I have a support system, I’d be lying if I said no.

      Thank you, Shaun.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome. And I think you can do it. One day you will see your own strength and put the dark demons aside. I say as the other commenters, they say wise things 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  12. You’re worthy, good enough, and super fucking brave. What have you got to lose? I think you’re making the right decision. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’d like to punch the toxic fuckers that have hurt & abused you in the throat. I’ve never seen you but I think you’re incredibly beautiful for being you…..XOXO

    Liked by 2 people

      1. K girl. Will stop pressing it. Just remember: always can call me. Just to have chuckle at this shit. And a cry. And silence. Not a weirdo. Just know where you’re at. Pulling for you hard. Hug.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. you better me call me before you do the real thing. like v woolf wrote a letter to leonard. i want at least a chance to talk you out of it. been there.

        Liked by 1 person

  13. As a long-time depression and anxiety sufferer who was diagnosed with PTSD and Bipolar II earlier this year, I can relate to this post big time. Good luck with the therapist. I started seeing one in May and that, along with some new drugs, have improved things. Still a ways to go, but I’ll take the improvement.

    Thanks for sharing this, btw. Brave as hell to put this out there. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m sorry you can relate, but I’m so thankful to you for telling me and sharing with me. I’m so pleased and encouraged to hear that therapy and medication has helped improve your life. As much as I would love a quick fix, I know it will be a journey.

      Thank you for your kindness and encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Okay, you can talk to me and I offered counselling services at an agency for severe mental illness. I have been diagnosed with a variety of mental illnesses – bottom line, therapy and more importantly medication help tremendously. Before you see your new therapist, re-write this blog so as not to have her terrified of failing you. Remember that she is a person too and very often people are drawn to the field of mental health because of their personal experiences. If you don’t connect after a few sessions, it is okay to try someone else. You may also need to see a doctor because a therapist will not be able to prescribe medication. I am so sorry that your life has been so difficult and you may have inherited some type of mental illness. Many creative and successful people have been diagnosed with bi-polar including one famous psychiatrist. Don’t get stuck on labels – all that matters is that you benefit from this therapy. I am rooting for you and I know exactly how scared you feel. Although I saw a psychologist in my 20s, I didn’t take medication until my 40s. I have a small regret that life didn’t blossom until I took medication and therapy. I wish you all the luck in the world. Hugs, x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Kerry….hugs.

      I thought about her perspective. With everyone telling me I should share the “memo” with her, I re-read it and asked myself how I would feel were in in her shoes. And I’d be instantly intimidated, afraid of failing this fragile person who already assumes I will fail her. Thank you, thank you for adding to that perspective and telling me I should amend it if I intend to share it.

      And thank you for telling me it’s okay to try someone else – not only so I don’t give up, but also so I don’t feel I owe it to the therapist to stay even if it turns out she can’t help me.

      Thank you, for your kindness and advice…like you, I don’t want to regret waiting any longer than I already have.

      🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  15. I hear (see?) a lot of people saying, “email this to her” and “print this for her” and “show her this at your first session.”

    My (completely unsolicited) opinion?

    Don’t.

    You don’t even know her yet, let alone trust her, so why would you show her your most vulnerable self? Hmmm… Perhaps because that would make it easier to have an “out” when she doesn’t immediately meet your expectations? Easier to say, “Nevermind, I knew this wasn’t gonna work anyway. Peace out!”?

    (Yes, I know that sounds rough. I don’t mean it to be harsh. But I ask you to think about it. Truly and deeply. I’ve been surrounded by people who suffer from a variety of mental illnesses for my entire life. I know all about Outs.)

    This manifesto is not so much for your headshrinker as it is for YOU. This is your starting point, your ground zero. Go back to this as you move forward with your treatment plan (whatever that may entail) or write a new one when you have a breakthrough. “Fix me” doesn’t happen overnight. It sometimes feels like 17 steps backward fir every half-step forward. Consider using this as a gauge, as a tool by which to measure progress. Consider OWNING this, making it yours. And later, when you’ve established trust, THEN consider sharing your starting point with your therapist. Consider sharing your blog with her even. I know someone who has done that, and it has helped tremendously, because often the things we are willing to write on pur blogs are very different than the things we’re willing to say out loud.

    You mention insurance.

    Expect forms.

    Expect to be filling them out and signing them and updating them at regular intervals.

    Expect there to be times you’ll have to get paperwork out of the way before you are even afforded the opportunity to fob off the question of “How are you?”

    Expect to have to explain why you’ve chosen to seek help.

    Expect that help to involve, at a minimum, a psychologist AND a psychiatrist.

    Expect to be expected to accept the idea of using medications. And expect that they will expect you to be either (1) reluctant/resistant, or (2) overly enthusiastic. Part of their job is to ascertain what you are “really” there for, and determining whether you are a drug seeker and/or have street drug habits past or present is part of that process.

    Expect referrals.

    Expect to be presented with ideas that may seem foreign. Expect to to present your own ideas and to do your own research, and to ask your own questions.

    Expect a lot of “WHY do you think…?” and “How does that…?” questions.

    Expect that sometimes you’ll not want to answer. Expect that reluctance to unscab wounds in such a way is considered a normal part of the process.

    Expect to run the gamut of emotion.

    And, lastly, expect that all your people here will support you every step of the way.

    A very long comment, I know. But hopefully an informative one.

    I wish you the best in your chosen journey. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow, that was wonderful. I hear everyone telling me to share it with her, even emailing it before meeting her. Inside, I keep resisting. And though I’ve had trouble articulating it even to myself, the feeling has been (mostly) fear of exposing myself before I’ve even seen the woman’s face, fear of causing her to see me in a certain way and potentially clouding her judgment, and fear that it would harm some sort of natural step-by-step process.

      Thank you. Thank you so much for your completely different set of perspectives and advice. And thank you for the list of things to expect. A fair portion of my fear of this whole thing is not knowing what to expect. I like to be prepared. Always. For anything. But I haven’t known what to prepare for…this…this is huge for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

      Liked by 2 people

  16. Reading your letter to self I agree with what others suggested about opening up and emailing your therapist. You did not want to while there but had a broken paragraph after you left. Dealing with your past and getting not only anxious but pissing yourself suggests you need more. I personally would have you beat the ever loving shit out of something in your house after you buy boxing gloves and kicking boots. Get it out of your system as often as you need to. Then you will realize your inner strength. Not just needing to tell us but beating the fuck out of something you imagine is worthy of it can make you more stable. Push yourself and this may be one of several ways and you will find yourself healing. I dealt with people I had PTSD with and basically told them off before they passed away and I did not give a fuck. I said basically I listened to you threaten me, hold me back and brutalize me for decades and said you abandoned myself, my sisters and my mother the second she passed away. I cut them all out. It is a different type of situation then you went through but I have coached, trained and dated girls and women that went through a ton of sexual abuse. They got past it and I am sure that you can too. Your alternative is inside treatment, which sucks. Having an outlet here is good and we all write things and sometimes they are what is needed to get off of our chest and sometimes an open letter to someone that needs to see it. You are fearless behind a keyboard. Now become fearless away from one.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Paul. I don’t have a lot of rage issues. I get angry sometimes, really angry. But rage isn’t one of my problems. I don’t think I’d actually enjoy beating anything up! Maybe…never know!

      Thank you. I’m working on it. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Rage is not your issue. However, letting it go may be your answer. I dated a woman who was passed around by her stepfather from when she was 8. I was basically her confidant, she was not the first. she literally would chase men down that cat called her or called her a bitch. We beat up 6 250 pound men at the racetrack dressed to the nines because she was disrespected and she blew a guy off. It turned into the two of us almost getting arrested because 1500 pounds of men took on and lost badly to less then 300 pounds of ass kickers. I dealt with her doing this a few times when treated certain ways and in time she worked it out. I have seen it often and there are some real pieces of shit and they try to own someone or merely do not even remember what they did. The method I suggested is a good coping skill. Unless you become an MMA fighter and break people into pieces 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  17. Stephanie, so many of us can identify with much of what you have written. You have given us a glimpse behind the mask and it does not cause us to like you less, but rather, to like you so much more. After reading your story, my reaction was not to turn away, instead I just wished I could have hugged you.

    Liked by 4 people

  18. Most of what I wanted to say has already been said by your friends above. You are NOT alone – we’re all standing by you! Depression has accompanied me since I was a child, even though I had quite a sheltered childhood (not as sheltered as Buddha’s childhood, but I was still shielded from pain and suffering to a large extent). I’ve been taking anti-depressants for over 10 years, and during the past few years, I have managed to reduce my dosage significantly without having a major depressive episode. I saw a therapist for a short time, but in my case, it was the medication that gave me the kickstart to feel more emotionally stable and start working on my own recovery (really hard work, but infinitely better than NOT recovering). I’m not saying YOU need medication to get better; in fact, I’ve heard so many stories of people having horrible side effects on psychiatric medication (thankfully, I didn’t experience any major side effects, even on a relatively high dosage).
    So why am I telling you all this? (Only ONE other person knows my complete mental health history…even my sister doesn’t know about this.) Because I CARE DEEPLY ABOUT YOU, Stephanie. And it doesn’t matter one bit that I haven’t met you in person. You are so authentic and caring, and I’m honoured to have you as a friend.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much. I know I’ve been saying that a lot, but it doesn’t diminish how much I mean it. Because I do, and I care about you, too. Thank you for sharing and opening up to me like that.

      I worry about medication. I tried Cymbalta – for arthritis and sleep problems. And it put me in an absolute tailspin..not only mentally, but it made me physically ill for weeks. I never grew accustomed to it. I know there are TONS of different medications out there, though. So if I end up needing it (which, frankly, I anticipate), I am open to trying it at this point.

      Thank you, so so much. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I understand why you’re worried abnout medication…it’s nerve-wracking to go through a trial and error process to find one that helps you AND has minimal side effects. I was fortunate not to have to try lots of different medications. Venlafaxine has almost always worked well for me, and I’ve progressly reduced my dosage from 300 mg per day to only 37.5 mg per day (the reduction from 75 to 37.5 mg has only occurred with the last month). I was reluctant to do so at first, as I read about the terrible withdrawal symptoms of individuals who reduced their dosage even gradually. As for me, I only become dizzy and disoriented if I miss one dose, and when I first went from 75 to 37.5 mg, I had nightmares for the first few nights. I am well aware of how lucky I am, and my heart goes out to those who don’t fare well on medication.
        I sincerely hope that if you do go on medication, you will find one with few or no side effects that helps you to get out of that dark, terrifying place and enables you to start the road to recovery.
        It’s a combination of medication, personal development and a strong support system (both on- and offline) that have helped to recover. Depression and anxiety are never far away, and sometimes I am still engulfed by them, but I haven’t had suicidal tendencies for several years.
        Stephanie, I am here to support you in any way I can. Perhaps we can exchange e-mail addresses? (No pressure.)

        Liked by 2 people

      2. It means a lot to me that you’re willing to divulge your struggles and share your successes with me. And it gives me hope for a brighter future for me as well. I had suicidal tendencies when I was a teenager. In fact, I read a poem about it to my 10th grade class (some required presentation that I thought I was making a point about…but really was a cry for help). But then there was a good decade or more where those thoughts were just….gone, aside from the occasional flare up. But now…whoooo boy, I can’t make it through a day without it at least crossing my mind. And I know I don’t want to live my life like that, nor do I actually want to follow through on the darkness. So I’m going…and if I have to be medicated, I’ll do it.

        I have a bad history with medications. I have had terrible reactions to even my arthritis medications and had to ween myself off of almost all of them. But if I need it, there’s bound to be something. Who knows – like you said – I could always get lucky with the first try or two if I need it. 🙂

        Thank you, again…I’m dreading getting started with therapy but also hopeful.

        I have a wordpress email address that I can share openly here: stephellaneouswp@gmail.com. I’m admittedly kinda bad about not checking that one often, but then I haven’t had much reason to yet. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  19. I didn’t read all the comments, so this might have been suggested already, but if you want to set the ground right with your new therapist, print this off and show it to her. For real. Just be honest and talk. She’ll ask some things sometimes, and then you’ll just talk. And then she might tell you what she’d like to do to help. And they won’t blab. They have no reason to. Just remember, as bad as you think you are, they have dealt with worse.
    If she isn’t the right one for you, don’t give up, Find another. Most are really good. I’ve had a few, and some of my stuff is pretty dark. And people already know about a lot on my blog-type-thing, so think about the stuff I HAVEN’T said. You’re brave enough to post it here, even though I know exactly who you are and where you live (just kidding), you can be brave enough to tell things to a trained professional.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Liar, that was totally you slinking around outside my window earlier! I knew it!

      Thank you so much, Josh (for your encouragement, not the slinking…that was kinda weird and presumptuous of you). Thank you, too, for shedding more light on what the visits will be like.

      I hope she works out, but I’m trying to brace myself for needing to keep looking. It’s more about making sure I keep at it than immediately assuming she will fail me (though as you read, I kinda anticipate that, too,..).

      Thank you…

      Liked by 2 people

  20. I’m absolutely mad right now ’cause whilst writing out my comment I looked away for a second to catch my breath only to press the Esc button by mistake, I don’t remember exactly how my first attempt of commenting went, but I know how I’m feeling and how this post made me feel.
    Stephanie this is absolutely amazing and sincere. I thank God that I started blogging and have met someone as incredible as yourself… As scary it is, I’m glad you’ve decided to give therapy a shot… and I just know you’ll somehow grow from this whole experience… let me quickly send before I delete this one too… I’m sending you some good loving Steph

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Ndumiso, thank you so so much. Heh, some of our best replies get deleted on accident, don’t they? Happens to me a lot. But this was wonderful..don’t worry.

      I’m grateful to have met you here, too. Thank for your encouragement and faith in me. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  21. I got here really late I’m sorry. I’m not going to rehash what everyone else said but I agree with all of them and wish you the best of luck. Getting the whole therapy process started is scary but you are an amazingly strong woman and it’s so nice to hear the real you. You’re funny stories about your coworkers are things me and my husband laugh hysterically about together. I hope you get the help you need.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Hahaha! I love honest trailers!

        I still haven’t seen that movie, either. I’ve heard good things about it, but since everyone up here has kids, I hear good things about a lot of kids’ movies!

        Like

  22. “I hate myself for being weak.” I call bullshit on this one. This is my first time reading your blog, but this is one of the bravest posts I’ve read in awhile. And taking the step to make the call to get help requires incredible nerve. And anyone who has withstood and endured through what it sounds like you have, anyone who has resisted those suicidal urges like you have, is strong. I was hospitalized for depression for awhile. I can tell you that the first therapist might not be the right fit, but keep hunting. And seriously, print this post out and hand it to them to read before you even start. Good luck.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I love it. I absolutely love it when someone calls bullshit. Thank you – it means so much for you to not only say that but especially to actually feel that way.

      I’m glad you’re here, and it’s nice to meet you. Thank you for your supremely kind words and for sharing your struggles. I can’t count how many times I’ve wished I had the nerve to drive myself to a hospital and ask to be committed. Fear of what would happen to my job and my house have kept me from it. Shame, yes. I have to admit that’s part of it. Shame and fear.

      I hope you’ve made progress…and I’m so grateful to you…for sharing and for your kindness.

      Liked by 1 person

  23. Therapy — as often and as long as you need it, will go a long way in making you feel better. I can’t even express all the gratitude and deep affection I feel for the therapists I’ve had, especially as an adult. After reading all your pain and fear, I truly hope you have such wonderfully warm and compassionate therapists.
    I understand your concern in letting your therapist in, I really do. If she doesn’t know all the troubles, it will make you both work harder to get you all the right solutions (tools.) There’ll be an intake appointment, where all of this will be asked and answered, and it’s not usually with the therapist, but given to the therapist. (Enter ANOTHER stranger, likely female.) If you decide not to give this blog content to your therapist, do be sure to be brutally honest to the total stranger who will ask you all these questions. You can’t make progress without divulging. It’s a lot to demand of yourself, but you’re worth it.
    I have never been judged cruelly by a mental health professional. I have been cherished and carefully tended to. I very much hope the same for you.
    If you can write this post, with the heart of a survivor, which you surely are, you will make incredible progress in therapy.
    I wish you all the best.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, Joey. I’ve been terrified and also completely jaded about therapy for many years. I was definitely that person who said it was completely useless…without truly giving it a shot aside from being forced to as a child. But I know a lot of that is fear and unwillingness to have one person devoted to analyzing me. I’m ready to put that aside and give it a shot. Thank you so much for your encouragement and sharing your positive experiences. It gives me hope. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  24. I scanned the previous answers and can’t add much. But I will, because that’s how I roll.

    The fact that you COULD write this – that you’re identifying what’s going on so well and so articulately – means you are really in a good place for therapy. So many start in a place where they can’t tell the difference between a line, a circle, and a dill pickle on a birthday cake. So there’s that.

    Should you share this? I don’t think as-is, in its direct form. Not because you want to worry about intimidating the therapist. They’re professionals and this is NOT about her/him. It’s about you. You don’t see a medical doctor to take out HIS appendix. You go to fix YOURS. So you can’t waste energy, head space, or time on their thoughts of failure or whatevs. That’s between them and THEIR therapist.

    one more thing – keep a daily journal if you can. Mood, diet, triggers, just a list of bullets if you can. The reason is that whenever I go they ask me how I’ve been over the last 2 weeks, and my feelings shout so loudly that I can only hear what they are SHOUTING RIGHT NOW. I can’t give you an average temperature, I only know the water is boiling at the moment.

    One more…I said this before somewhere….Asking for help – and the act of pursuing it by getting an appointment, GOING – is exhausting and draining. It’s a LOT of work. Why? Because your illness takes over your brain and uses it as a weapon against you. Your mind lies to you, telling you that you don’t need help, getting help is weak….your illness does this as a method of survival. Because if you get help, it’s threatened – and eventually it weakens and dies. Your illness has a lifetime vested in you and won’t give up without a fight.

    You, my friend, are spunky and can kick this sucker’s butt, though. The proof is the resistance you get from getting help in the first place. Depression and the rest are baring their teeth because they feel threatened. Let ’em quake – you’re coming in to save you.

    hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. hugs…that was beautiful, Katie. Truly. I am appreciative and thankful for you.

      I hate doing daily journal thingies…food logs, mood logs, blah blah blah. But I know…I think I need to make myself do it. Because even with the arthritis doctor – he’ll ask me how I’ve been over the last month or two. And all I can think is, “This shit hurts right NOW.” or “I’m not hurting at all right NOW.” And that does me no good at all and hinders him from helping me. So it makes perfect, logical sense that I need to document that better. And do the same with my moods, because anything that will make the process smoother is a good thing. Hmm..I’m gonna dig and see if there’s an app for that. If not, hey…maybe we just stumbled upon an idea for a good one. 🙂

      Thank you so much for sharing your experience and your encouragement. It is so fucking exhausting going through this, and you all are arming and fortifying me… I can’t thank you enough. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I hate daily anything and I hate being told what to do and I hate obligations. So admittedly I kind of suck at it. But this process did teach me that ovulation and sugar send me into a tailspin….while it doesn’t fix the problem, it helps me to logically explain some of it. Which is oddly comforting.

        It’s a long battle and not a path with a straight line. But I have better odds if I just keep moving….(although the couch has gone into cahoots with my brain to tell me to give up, park, and stuff my face. Le sigh)

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Gah, I hate that stuff, too. Grrrrr. But it makes sense how important of a tool it can be.

        Sounds like your couch and my bed would be buddies. All I wanna do is lounge in bed, watch anime and chat here…all while stuffing my face. Oh yeah. Heh.

        Like you said, it’s a battle, huh? All we have to do is keep fighting. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  25. I don’t suffer from depression, so take my words with a grain (or two) of salt. I don’t believe that Major Depressive Disorder is something you recover from — I think it’s something you manage, every day.

    I spent a lot of time, money, and effort in searching for a “cure” for my chronic pain. Little did I know (at the time) that there isn’t one. I think depression is the same way — and I worry about your expectations if you go into therapy thinking you can be cured or “fixed.”

    You don’t need to be fixed. You are so much more than your illnesses. You are great just the way you are. But I hope this therapist can get you to see what all of us see — you’re one of a kind. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right, you know…deep down, I know I’ll always struggle with depression. I was a depressed child, and I’ve been depressed (with a period of about ten years of relative freedom) for most of my life now. I think it’s here to stay, but it has to get better than this. It has to. Certainly, I have grand, idealistic expectations of leaping through fields of daisies and prancing in the ocean. Free of depression forever…but I know that will never be the long-term reality. As long as I can cope…My coping mechanisms are long broken…having those back would vastly improve my life. 🙂

      Thank you, truly, for your perspective. It is always welcome…and thank you so much for your kind words.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think you don’t give yourself enough credit. From what I can see, you have amazing coping skills. But sometimes, our coping skills need to be… re-tooled. Or we need new ones. Hopefully, a therapist can help you with that. Good luck, dude, and I’ll look for a new commercial for antidepressants, starring you, leaping through fields of… bluebonnets. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ah, see, you’re trying to make me cry, too! That was so kind of you to say, and it touches me that you see me in a positive light.

        Haha oh man, I’m TOTALLY gonna be in that commercial. Laughing and prancing my ass off while the announcer tells you that the drug will make you happy but incontinent and seizure-prone!

        Liked by 1 person

  26. Oh Stephanie I hurt for you, and I can understand being wary of females. Forward to your posts.
    But I also think you should take this piece with you. It could be the opening you need and the words you need to speak.
    Your special and I have come to look forward to your posts. I do hope something comes of this, and I am always here to listen to you rant and rave.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Totally belated comment (I know) but this post re-jigged my own mental jig-sores and as a sufferer of a half-decade long depression I have no idea what to do or say to a fellow sufferer of that dreaded shadowy vampire.
    But I figured why do I need to console? What I can say is that you have helped me greatly by just being yourself. (Sort of making this about me but there’s a point I’m making)
    Your blog is more bubbly than a volcanoe, your voice cuts through every letter and bracket, the stream of thoughts, the magnificent cursing, the clarity of expression despite the gobsmacking asides and back-door channels of thought.
    Every bit of yourself, a self you share with us stephellanous addicts, has inspired me to be free with my own Self Expression.
    To let loose, to share, to flash (imagine weird brain dressed in a coat) my own personality.
    And I thank you for that; I may not know what to say or how to console others but you do so much (perhaps without realising it) for a lot of us shy turtles and uncertain shellfish.
    For that I thank you.
    Yours trully, Asperganoid the Stepho-freak, meow.
    Because cats.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wow, I…hardly know what to say to that. I am humbled, once again, and deeply flattered to hear how you feel about this space. About me. More than anything, I am honored beyond measure.

      What you’ve written here made me sad to know it touched you personally, grin and laugh at the exquisite imagery and personality, and yes cry, feeling your emotions and your heart through your words.

      Thank you…so so much. And I’m gonna be picturing that flashing brain all day. 😀 😀

      Liked by 2 people

    1. I so needed those Turtle Hugs! I’m starting to panic. I’ve been distracted from it because of all out coworker war at work. But it’s setting in now, into my guts and mind. I’m gonna do it…I’m following through.

      Hugs – thank you!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Do something good for you today , or something funny , or if you can’t and things start getting a bit panicky , write it down (make a screnplay of sorts or something) or send me your F’s s s
        Turtle Hugs 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Zoe…so much. So much…and I’m sorry you’re there, too. I’m hardcore freaking out about tomorrow, but I have to force myself to follow through. It’s helping me be accountable…having posted this here.

      I hope you’re able to rest.

      Like

  28. You are one brave chica. I hope your therapist is good enough for you. If she’s not try another one. Therapists are like shoes, you gotta walk in them to see if they fit you. Remember she works for YOU! It is her job to make therapy work for you. If you don’t want a female, choose a male. I am a early retired female therapist and I think you rock.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so so much, Cindy. I’ve met with a woman twice now…I’m going to find someone new now. Not because she’s a woman, either. I just don’t think she’s the safest best for me. Like you said…gotta find the right fit.

      Thank you so much for your kindness. 🙂

      Like

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