The Shrinkening Commences

I did it. I went through with the therapy session on Thursday. Reckon it’s past time to update you. But you should know, going in, this is going to be a bitch of a post. Avoid it if you need to.

Have some Portishead for your listening pleasure. This is what I’m listening to while I force myself to get this out.

~

Pre-Game Panic Attack

The appointment was for 1:00 PM on Thursday, so I was at work all morning leading up to it. You’d think that would be a nice distraction, but it wasn’t. Queen Bitch has impeccable timing and went on her worst rampage yet this past week. (I’ll save work for a separate post to try to keep this semi-coherent.) So I don’t know how much of my pre-appointment nausea and vomiting was from therapy anticipation and fear and how much of it was the extreme stress Queen Bitch had me under.

By the time I got myself to the counseling center, I was a bundle of nerves. I smiled at the receptionist and filled out my paperwork. Thankfully, I was alone in the waiting room. I had so much pent up anxiety, I felt I could literally bounce off of the walls…and not in a fun way. Imagine severe chest pain, heart racing, rapid breathing, roiling stomach, my leg bouncing up and down ninety to nothin’, mouth chewing on a hoodie cord, eyes scanning the room for every minute detail, hands twisting and squeezing each other. That was me, pre-therapy Thursday. It took everything I had to stop myself from bolting.

Off to an Anticlimactic Start

The counselor finally fetched me from the waiting room at around 1:05. (Yeah. That pissed me off.) Let’s call her Diane. Tall, blonde, forty-something Diane. At least she’s older than me, I thought. They nearly placed me with someone who graduated this past May. I cringed. Maybe it seems superficial, but it’s far less about age and more about experience.

Anyway. Friendly enough, on the surface. She smiled and shook my hand, led me to her office. While the waiting room makes the building look new(ish), Diane’s office was poorly appointed. Seriously, her chairs and couch had tears in the upholstery. I kind of approved, because I don’t want to be therapized by someone with a mahogany desk and all leather furniture. She said I could sit anywhere – I just took the chair facing her desk. I asked permission to place my wallet and keys on her desk, then shoved my fists in my hoodie pockets and willed myself to not bounce my leg and look around the room like a crazy person.

I began relaxing a bit at this point, because Diane spent the first few minutes filling out paperwork. A differently formatted document with the exact same information I’d already filled out at reception. Full name? Address? Social Security Number? Bust size? (Kidding, she didn’t ask for my social.) (Got you again. Look, it’s a good sign that I’m at least trying to joke, right?) Then she went over their policies and her personal qualifications. Twenty years as a counselor with this same group. Good sign, right?

I’ve been doing this for a long time, okay? And I’ve worked with every age group, but I no longer work with children. I did for many years, but I had to give that up. I work with people like you now. And don’t worry. You’re perfectly normal. You’re definitely not crazy, right? You’re not crazy. You’re just sad. You’re here because you’re sad.

I hope it doesn’t offend you when I use words like “normal” and “crazy”…

And just like fucking that, she’d formed her opinion and diagnosis of me. I walk through the motherfucking door, am able to show up and shake her hand and be calm and civil. And I’m just sad. Nothing more, nothing less. So glad this process was so fucking easy.

Then she grabs her little legal pad and starts in with her own standard list of questions, the answers to which she notes on her pad:

Have you received counseling or psychiatric treatment before? No.

Do you work? Yes, full-time.
What do you do? I sit at a computer all day.
Oh, do you like it? Yes, it’s so much fun.

*chuckles* Relationship status?
Well, it’s like this…
Children? No.

Parents? Married/divorced? Living? Location?
Uhm. Uh. Well. Uhm. See. Well. *breathes* They divorced when I was little. They’re both still alive, last I heard. Uhm. Uhm. I think. Maybe. I think. Maybe. My mom is maybe in town again. My father lives in _____.
I see. And what sort of relationship do you have with them? I don’t. *fidgets*

Siblings? One brother and one sister.


Do you want me to give you more details? I’m not sure how detailed you want my responses.

She then went into this long spiel explaining the two different ways of approaching counseling: starting from the past and working forward or starting in the present and working backward. She said that people usually had a preference, but she doesn’t. She just looked at me, and I just looked back.

All this time, Diane has been looking down at her phone. Look at me, ask a question, look at phone, note my response on the pad, look at phone, look at me, ask a question, look at phone, note my response….forget what she asked me and ask me again. Yeah.

I finally broke the awkward pause with something like:

Well, I’m not in any danger. I mean, if you want me to start by talking about my childhood, I’ll do that. If you’d rather hear about what’s going on right now, I can do that, too. I don’t know what I need or what’s best, really.

On Unprofessionalism and Suicidal Ideation

It was at this point, this crossroads of sorts, where she finally asked me what had led me to be there that day. She had her checklist and wanted to go by rote, and I wanted to know what we were doing and why. So she asked me. What led you here?

I’ve been depressed for years. And while I managed it best I could for a long time, it’s spiraled out of control over the last couple of years. And now…and now…my thoughts have gotten so dark that they scare me.

depressed-person

“Tell me what you mean by ‘dark thoughts.'”

Suicide. I think about suicide every day. And. But. Well. You see, it’s not so much that I want to kill myself. It’s that I don’t wish to be alive anymore. I don’t want to feel this way, but I can’t seem to make it stop.

“I’d call that danger.”

I’m sorry?

“You just told me that you aren’t in any danger. And now you’re telling me you think about suicide every day. Ongoing suicidal ideation is serious danger. Do you really think about it every day? Do you have a plan?

Well, I mean I think stuff. Bad stuff. You know. But I don’t have a plan. Like a specific plan. You know, written down. I don’t have a plan. No. And I would never do it. I would never act on it.

“Then tell me what you think about. Specifically. Tell me exactly what goes through your mind in your so-called dark thoughts. What do your suicidal thoughts look like?”

Well. I mean. Okay. Okay. There’s a gun. In the closet. And. Well. I think about the gun. And I think about…you know… (I’m crying now, talking softly. twisting my hands so much they’re throbbing in pain.)…I think about how it would affect other people. And I don’t want to make it hard on someone who finds me and has to clean up after me. So….so I wouldn’t do it in the house. I’d go outside. To the backyard. And…and I’d do it there. So I wouldn’t make a mess of the house or damage it or make it hard to sell after I’m dead. You know? That’s not really a plan is it? I guess that’s a plan.

But I wouldn’t do it. I’d miss or something and end up disfigured and living in a convalescent home.

She wrote “gun” and “plan” and something else on her pad. “You have a gun in the house?”

Yes.

“What else do you think? Are there other ideas?”

Well. This one. This one’s really bad, and I don’t…I don’t think I should tell you. It’s horrible. (tears are streaming down my face) But. Well. I imagine. You know. I imagine getting in my car. Getting onto the interstate late at night. Driving dangerously fast. Turning my headlights off. Closing my eyes.

But I would never do it. I swear I would never do that, because it would hurt someone else. It just pops into my mind completely unbidden.

“What else? Is there more?”

My arthritis medicine. I get it in three-month quantities. I’ve thought about taking them. All of them. At once. But I know that’s useless. I would just end up with my stomach pumped.

“Stephanie, your name is Stephanie right? Those are plans. Specific plans. And you are in serious danger.”

Somewhere in the middle of all of that, she interrupted me. She had been looking at her cell phone off and on the whole time, and at some point – while having me detail my thoughts on suicide – she interrupted me. Told me to hang on, and then texted her son.

I told her again that these are things I think about, but I’m not choosing to think about it. And I fight so hard not to entertain those thoughts or allow them to linger. But they rise up, unbidden, and I can’t always will them into silence.

On Reasons to Live and Hospitalization

“Everyone has to have a reason to live,” Diane pronounces. “You’ve demonstrated you’re strong and have a will to live. You made the appointment. You drove yourself here today. You kept the appointment. All of this was done of your own free will. Tell me what you live for. Tell me the positive things that you cling to in order to keep going and keep those thoughts at bay.”

I looked at her, my cheeks tear-stained and my eyes clouded, and I said…

I got nothin’

I don’t have family. I don’t have friends. I hate my job. I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings. I feel sad when I wake that I made it through another night. I got nothin, Diane.

Well. I recently started blogging. And the people I’ve met there, online, are amazing and have offered so much support.

And. And. (crying and practically whispering) I have this…this vague hope that just won’t die. This vague hope that maybe, just maybe there’s a brighter future for me. A happy ending.

She scribbles “internet” on her little Stephanie page and says, “I’m talking about real life here.”

Church? No.
Social club? Like a book club? No.
Bars? No.
Professional memberships? No.
Work friends? No.
Family contact or support? No.
Really? Nothing? Nothing.

She spent the rest of the time between trying to convince me to be hospitalized (she lacks the authority to have me admitted without my consent) and defining “thoughts,” “feelings” and “behaviors” to me. Like I’m a fucking child and don’t know the fucking difference.

Again she told me I’m only sad, and there’s nothing deeply wrong with me. “You’re not crazy; don’t worry.” I tried to tell her there’s a lot more to it. I told her that sometimes I have wild mood swings and get very hyperactive, sometimes happy hyperactive and sometimes angry hyperactive. She said, “Oh, everyone does that. You’re not one of the crazies or you wouldn’t be here today.”

She really wanted me to consent to hospitalization. She said she’d take me in her car, right then and there. She said that no matter how hard people fight their thoughts, that if they’re persistent and ongoing for as long as mine have been, eventually everyone follows through.

Thoughts. Feelings. Behavior. “It is unavoidable. Eventually those thoughts and feelings result in acting out in a behavior. You can’t escape it. It’s ingrained. It is inevitable.”

But I stood my ground. In order to keep her from calling a psychiatrist and having them admit me against my will, I had to agree to some things:

  1. Get rid of the gun. Or lock it up and give someone else the key.
  2. Email her Thursday night telling her I had done so.
  3. Show up for an appointment next Wednesday at noon.
  4. Get a notebook and log my feelings. Like a motherfucking four year old. I can tell her my feelings. I know my feelings. I know my thoughts. And I know my behaviors. Stupid fucking shit.

As yet, I haven’t done any of those things. Though I have made a note in my phone, which I open occasionally and add a time and feeling to.

On Medication

She also told me that medication is unnecessary. That too many people are medicated, and it usually gives you brain damage. “You don’t need medication, because you aren’t crazy. Crazy people have brain damage. That’s what it is! It’s brain damage! But you don’t need it, because you’re normal.”

But. “Seeing as you’re suicidal, medication may not be a bad idea to get your moods regulated. Then during talk therapy, I’ll teach you TFB through CBT and you’ll get right off that crazy person medicine.”

I told her I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on December 21. She was shocked, saying it takes months to get in with one. But my insurance company found one for me. Apparently she’s only going to diagnose and medicate, though. So I don’t know how I feel about it. I’ll at least keep the appointment, though.

Final Thoughts

Diane is crap. She laser focused on one thing and refused to hear anything else about me. And her plan is bullshit and so was her motherfucking brain diagram she scribbled to show me that I’m behaving like an animal on instinct rather than a rational human being. But I know I need help, and if being accountable to that nonsense-spewing unprofessional moron helps me even a smallΒ  amount? Then it’s worth it. For now.

I just rambled a buncha shit, y’all, and probably forgot most of it. But I just couldn’t muster up the strength to write sooner. To those of you whom I’ve worried, please accept my sincerest apologies. I’ve had an absolute week from hell, and I’ve pretty much been in bed since I got off of work yesterday. I’ll do my best to catch up on emails and things soon. I miss reading y’all, too!

I’ll be back on the upswing soon, you’ll see. (I believe that. I have to.) Maybe a music party tomorrow or somethin’, hey?

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful messages and support. As always, you’re the bestest.

 

 

202 thoughts on “The Shrinkening Commences

  1. I want to serve Diane a cluster punch. Aaarrrgggg! You’re sad? Really? Sad people don’t think about killing themselves! And medication is only for the brain damaged? Is she even for real? Wow. And texting her son during therapy? Holy snapping arseholes Margaret!!!!

    Liked by 12 people

      1. I’ve been spending a fair bit of time in bed myself. I feel ya Steph! I feel ya baby-gurrrrllll. Big ❀️❀️❀️❀️❀️ to you xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Definitely, if you’re up to it I’d email her a copy of your post. It clearly states your issues, but also gives insight to your feelings. Saying that…I’m not sure she’s the one for you (or anyone for that matter). If you decide to find someone else, make sure you re-read this post to remind you what you expect and won’t put up with. Just my thoughts. XO

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Write a post of what you’d like to say to her and then you can sort out what (if anything) you’d want to share. Also, she may have been having a really, rely crappy day which threw her off her unprofessional self. Let’s hope.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Forget about your problems — what the fuck is her problem? (Sorry, your therapist pisses me off. Hereafter, I will refer to her as the Bitch.) For the next appointment, ask the Bitch if you can record it; then afterwards, count up how many times she used the word “crazy.” I’ve been to a few therapists myself in the last 30 years, and not once did any of them use that term. In fact, I try not to use it myself because I think it’s overused and derogatory.

    The Bitch… saying you’re just sad… as if suicidal thoughts were a part of being sad. Jesus. And she is obviously ignorant of the therapeutic benefits of blogging — and yet she wants you to start a journal. Isn’t that the same thing, Bitch? Thank goodness you didn’t give her a print out of that post — she probably would have used it as a reason to lock you up involuntarily.

    I guess you’ll have to decide if you want to stick with the Bitch or try another therapist. Maybe you could ask the psychiatrist for a referral to a therapist who specializes in bipolar?

    But the Bitch did have a few good ideas… Dude, get rid of the gun. Please.

    Thanks for sharing your experiences. I’m sorry it was so traumatic for you. But Stephanie… You Did It! You took that first step! I’m so fucking proud of you. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 13 people

    1. Ahhh this is great. Thank you. Dude, I seriously thought about bringing that post with me. But I was nervous…I thought what if she’s garbage or dismissive? Or maybe I should let the process be more natural? I’m so fucking glad I didn’t give it to her now…

      I do want to try to find someone else. But I will at least keep the Wednesday appointment. For now, at least, that’s some sort of accountability for me. If I quit her before finding someone else, I may give up altogether, you know?

      And I’m not one that’s sensitive to terms. But the “crazy” and “normal” thing blew my mind coming out of a therapist’s mouth. To a patient! And then to say, “I hope it doesn’t offend you…” For fucks sake.

      I like your idea of asking the psychiatrist for a counselor referral. That rocks..thank you!

      And thank you for saying you’re proud of me… ❀

      Liked by 8 people

  3. You deserve a hell of a lot better than that fucking bullshit that she tried to lay on you. Seriously, that shit is horrible on her part. You’re just “sad?” A good counselor would never lead off with that- is she a third grader? I’m really proud of you for being able to share this experience, as awful as it was. That takes a shitload of strength. I’m also proud of you for not doing what would have been completely justified, and asking her how the fuck she became a counselor if that was all she had to say. You came there for a serious reason, and she just made it seem like “Oh la di da, let me text and bullshit my way through this while Stephanie actually tries.” Fuck that.

    And I’ll admit something here too- that driving one you mention on the interstate- I’ve had that same vision, that same thought before. Every once in a blue moon, maybe once a month, I still get that thought. So you aren’t alone in that. But I really hope that the psychiatrist thing works out much better, and that if you want to keep going with this, that you get a counselor who is actually worth your time. Because you do deserve that. I just hope you’re doing okay. Seriously, I hope things find their way to better for you. But the thing is you are taking steps, and that’s a huge part of the battle. Keep pushing forward. You can do this!

    Liked by 11 people

    1. Thank you, Shaun. That makes me feel better. Sometimes I wish I could let more out than I do…maybe it would do her some good to be called out on her shit.

      I’m so sorry…that you’ve had that same vision. It’s good to know we aren’t alone, but it makes me sad to know someone so beautiful and kind as you has visions like that, too. One day at a time, right? Keep pushing forward…

      Thank you, Shaun. Thank you.

      Liked by 5 people

  4. The labels she insists on using are exactly the reason why there is such a stigma around mental health and medications. Dump her as soon as you can! It took me five tries to get a good counselor the last time I had to have a go at it – including one woman who insisted that I close my eyes, and then proceeded to poke me in the forehead and use my third eye to look deep within.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. What?!?!?!? I would have fucking smashed her! I hate people touching my face with their hands! Even my own children! …… But kids are dirty little things – eeeuuuwwww!!!! GERMS!

      Liked by 4 people

  5. What the actual fuck? Is it okay if we all get together and punch her in the throat? Seriously, how can she be so damn dismissive of you on one hand-oh, you’re just sad–yet insist you need to be hospitalized? And with the texting her son and referring to others as crazies. Sounds like she tried to peg you the moment you walked in.

    I hope you’re able to find someone to help you. It took me seeing two inept, dismissive providers (a psychiatrist and an NP) before getting with the current psychiatrist who properly diagnosed me and referred me to a really good therapist. It’s a bitch that it’s so damn hard to find someone who’s both competent and cares.

    Liked by 8 people

    1. Exactly! I meant to say something about that – the back and forth hypocritical shit she’d say. One minute she’s over here saying only “crazy” people need medication. And the next, she’s telling me let’s hospitalize you so they can regulate your head with medication!

      At the time, I kept trying to convince myself I was being my usual critical self. But no…no…woman is whack.

      Liked by 4 people

      1. I hope you don’t mind me sharing this link here, but it’s when I saw the NP a few months ago. Dude barely paid attention, was all over the place, and not very competent at all.

        https://imstrongenoughtobreak.wordpress.com/2015/04/06/not-a-good-appointment-but-there-was-a-silver-lining/#like-1490

        And exactly! How you gonna rail about people being overmedicated when you want them to go to the hospital where they typically offer these little pills than help one with their issues. Hmm.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. Of course not – share any links you’d like! I’m about to hit the hay right now, get some sleep so I don’t sleep all day tomorrow. But I’m coming back to read that tomorrow. Thank you for sharing – and share anything you’d like. Seriously. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Holy fuck. So glad you see her for the moron she is, but what a fucking shame to have to experience THAT. I would have walked the fuck out. And I sure as hell wouldn’t go back!

    Yes, please, ditto a million times about the gun.

    So proud you did it! ❀ And I hope you get a new counselor VERY quick.

    Liked by 4 people

  7. First of all, I am so so happy to hear that you followed through with this appointment because I know exactly how hard it was to do that. You’re a lot stronger than you think. β™₯

    And second… What the FUCK? How is this woman allowed to have her job? I could have done a better job and I’m apparently crazy and have brain damage, you know, from taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. What the fuck? She is supposed to be helping people with psychological issues, not talking down to them, telling them their illness isn’t real, using words like crazy.

    I swear to God, if any professional in the psychology field EVER told me I was just sad, I would stand up, grab my shit and walk out. And never go back. That’s the kind of garbage you get from someone who’s never been depressed and doesn’t understand depression. They think you’re “just sad” and you should “just snap out of it” because they don’t get what depression really is. (And they annoy me too… but… they don’t know any better… but…) But… a professional in the psychology field… saying that crap? What the fuck? Did she actually go to school for psychology or did she just attend the College of Dicketry and plaster a certificate on the wall? I really want to punch this woman in the face.

    It’s 2015, you dumb fuck. (Diane, not you.) Internet is real life. Yes, I realize we aren’t sitting in a room together… holding hands… skipping off into the sunset… I realize I can’t stop by when you feel like ass and make you laugh or something. But I can email and post here and other shit. I’m a real person. I’m not a robot or a monkey. I’m an actual human (last I checked).

    No professional should ever EVER be doing something personal while with a patient/client. Texting while she’s supposed to be meeting with you? It’s like when I’m trying to have a serious conversation with John and he keeps looking back at his phone or the TV. He says he’s listening, but that has to be a lie. He’s not that advanced with multi-tasking. He cannot be listening and reading something on his phone and watching TV all at once. How could this dipshit possibly have been paying attention to anything you were saying if she was busy looking at her phone and texting? God, that makes me so fucking mad.

    I also cannot figure out how she went from “you’re not crazy” to “you are in serious danger” and then trying to get you to be hospitalized, but then again telling you that you’re just sad and there’s nothing deeply wrong with you. Jesus. What the fuck? Which is it? Because then she says that if you think about suicide, you’ll eventually do it?!?! Are you kidding me right now? But seconds ago, she said there was nothing wrong with you. And then she ignores more of your concerns… and insists that you wouldn’t be there if you were really “one of the crazies”??? So why does she bother going to work every day… if everyone who comes in to see her isn’t really crazy, is perfectly normal, and needs no help from her because if they did, she would never see them because they wouldn’t go to her.

    Medication gives you brain damage? Crazy people have brain damage? So were they crazy with brain damage and then the medication gave them additional brain damage? Which is it, Diane? The fucking chicken or the egg, Diane? “Crazy person medicine”?? Shut the fuck up, Diane.

    Therapy has never done jack shit for me but medication has. But what the fuck to I know? I have brain damage.

    Sorry I wrote a short novel… but I’m enraged!

    And very proud of you for going… dealing with this asshat… and continuing to try to make things better. β™₯ xo

    Liked by 11 people

      1. I just wish Diane the Dipshit wasn’t such a dipshit. I’d it any wonder that I (and so many others) don’t even want to try to find a therapist?? I’m pretty sure the ratio of good to bad therapists is something like 1 in 7357853566.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Diane the Dipshit! Haha! I hear ya, Sandra. I’ve told myself for years that I don’t believe in therapy or in any healing merits of it whatsoever. Diane being such an epic dipshit did NOT help that impression. I’m gonna keep trying, though. Maybe I can find that needle in the dipshitstack.

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Sandra πŸ˜‰
      You wrote it just like I would if I could 😦

      Stephanie , Sandra’s comment is mine too (if Sandra is ok with me borrowing her words that is) . You are Strong You are oh so clever and you are Loved by us Oh yes you are even if we don’t “know” you
      Turtle Hugs ❀ ❀ ❀

      Liked by 3 people

  8. Thinking of you, now. Sharing a burden can become one of life’s joys. And I can’t say it any better than John Keats:

    Ode on Melancholy
    By John Keats

    No, no, go not to Lethe, neither twist
    Wolf’s-bane, tight-rooted, for its poisonous wine;
    Nor suffer thy pale forehead to be kiss’d
    By nightshade, ruby grape of Proserpine;
    Make not your rosary of yew-berries,
    Nor let the beetle, nor the death-moth be
    Your mournful Psyche, nor the downy owl
    A partner in your sorrow’s mysteries;
    For shade to shade will come too drowsily,
    And drown the wakeful anguish of the soul.

    But when the melancholy fit shall fall
    Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,
    That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,
    And hides the green hill in an April shroud;
    Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose,
    Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,
    Or on the wealth of globed peonies;
    Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,
    Emprison her soft hand, and let her rave,
    And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes.

    She dwells with Beautyβ€”Beauty that must die;
    And Joy, whose hand is ever at his lips
    Bidding adieu; and aching Pleasure nigh,
    Turning to poison while the bee-mouth sips:
    Ay, in the very temple of Delight
    Veil’d Melancholy has her sovran shrine,
    Though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue
    Can burst Joy’s grape against his palate fine;
    His soul shalt taste the sadness of her might,
    And be among her cloudy trophies hung.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Steph, I am heartened to read that you took the leap and went to the counsellor it was a very brave decision to take.
    You must know that this is a long and arduous road ahead because the mind is a very complex thing to understand. If it were as simple as fixing a car imagine how awful the world would be living in a street full of Stepford wives. The beauty of what makes life so different is the fact that we are all different and because of this, when it comes to matters of the heart and the head we are individuals and need individual care.
    Please try not to be downhearted at your first experience with “Diane” but merely choose to look at it as a learning and getting to know you stage.
    It takes time to heal. I have taken a couple of years to get where I am today so please do not give up on it and remember I am always here should you want to talk.
    Now you take care, pick yourself up and shake yourself down.
    Get out there and sock it to them…!

    Liked by 3 people

  10. “Diane is crap.” Diane makes crap taste like strawberries dipped in the finest French cream. Rude, ignorant, condescending, distracted, borderline imbecilic, downright dangerous. Reading all the comments, I have to say I am a little relieved you have such a fine, fine group of Peopleanneous; I found my anger — no, my rage — slowly subsiding, my brain seethe absorbed by tribe. I will simply chime in to say, my head literally exploded — I am typing this, miraculously, without a head — just pondering what in the flipping effing fuck she thinks she is doing TELLING you that your suicide is inevitable. Okay, so she “thinks” this. She thinks being immediately hospitalized is a good idea and will save you. She thinks medications are stupid though you might, maybe, benefit from them for a short period, to iron out these little kinks of sadness. I…just…what does she think goes on in a psyche ward? I like really want to know what she thinks is going to do it; what is the psyche ward miracle, Diane? Can’t be therapy, cos that would be her. Can’t be psychiatry, because she dismisses as quackery. Ah, must be the group therapy. In the psyche ward. Because anyone who has been to a psyche ward for the suicidal knows that is some of the most life-giving group therapy around. Holy fucking effing fuck, people like Diane are REAL. I can’t end on any aspirational note except I’m looking forward to the Portishead after I go back to sleep, and just the fact that you wrote this, so clearly and with every detail so perfect and telling, IS my hope for you, for now. Goddamn, that brighter day. Millions of people take it for granted, sleep walk through it. You would be awake in it.

    Liked by 6 people

    1. Hypocrisy and unprofessionalism aside, what stuck in my head the most is exactly what’s sticking to yours: suicide is inevitable if you think about it so regularly, whether you like it or not, it’s inevitable now. Surely…I mean surely she didn’t realize how she sounded or perhaps she meant to add “without serious, focused, ongoing treatment.” I dunno, but I wish I could UNhear it. Don’t worry, though, I know it’s bullshit. It is NOT inevitable. I don’t mean to be thinking that way, and it it is not a goal I have for myself. And it is NOT inevitable.

      Thank you, Andrew, for…well for being you. I can’t wait to be awake in the brighter day.

      Liked by 5 people

      1. Good lord I feel like we are ALL trying to unhear that. Reading it was like a bad dream, Therapy As Perfect Nightmare, but experiencing it, ugh times a million. And you Are right and it is Not inevitable. And no one ever means to be thinking that way: I sure don’t when my brain starts traveling there. It is the saddest, loneliest, most fierce pain in the world. Thank you for being you, too. And I can’t wait for that day for you either. No, not true. I can wait and I will.

        Liked by 3 people

  11. I don’t even know where the fuck to begin with Diane. From texting her son in the middle of your session to saying that only crazy peopleβ€”

    *deep breath* I am so terribly sorry this was your experience. My goodness, you’re sitting there asking for help and being honest about your thoughts and THAT is all she could muster with her fucking 20 years of experience? I don’t evenβ€” I can’t even words. Wow. Just. I totally know this is how it is because I’ve met many fucking Diane’s and yet it still surprises me, baffles me each time.

    Liked by 6 people

  12. First well done for going! I remember my first appointment and I was so nervous I nearly backed out. I don’t know how good or not good ‘Diane’ is, and I’m in London so treatment may be different. But when I went through my appointment they did all the invading questions. They never said I was just sad! I received a diagnosis of depression and generalised anxiety whereas doesn’t sound like they’ve diagnosed you with anything which is odd! I told them I was suicidal and I had attempted before. They didn’t try to hospitalize me! They gave me a number I could call if I felt like that. I was given meds too, I think that’s a standard for everyone! I’m having CBT at the moment I can’t say its helping much but it is nice having someone to talk to.
    I hope your appointment Wednesday goes a bit better πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, Lizzie! I’m going to make it a goal to find someone else. I just don’t want to cancel Wednesday’s appointment with the quack since I don’t have an alternative yet. But…hell, she could end up making me feel worse. So maybe I should cancel. On the fence about it right now.

      I like what you described – detailed initial appointment with diagnostics and a outlined treatment plan. That’s what I was hoping for as well.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You have to do what you think is right but personally I would go Wednesday just to see if it’s better second time round. If not definitely look for someone else! Don’t let it put you off getting help, some people just aren’t good psychiatrists! Fingers crossed second time lucky πŸ™‚

        Liked by 3 people

  13. Hey Steph, Whoa! What an amazing account of therapy ‘gone wrong’. I agree with some of the other comments – it could be that you and Diane are not the right match. BUT I do hope that the psychiatrist appointment goes better, because your suicidal thoughts are serious and likely very distressing. 😦

    Also, the way she dismisses the support you get from the blogosphere, by saying β€œI’m talking about real life here”, irritates me, because the strength and support you seem to get from this crowd :D, should not be understated. I agree, it’s probably not enough to fully heal / recover, but you inspire me and so many others – that should NOT be discounted!
    Sending you healing vibes.
    Hubby

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you so much. I appreciate your kindness and support. And I agree, the strength and support here is phenomenal. And it’s about as real as my life gets. The people in my day to day at work, well….some of them are quite disingenuous.

      You’re right – while I have no intention of acting on these very unwelcome thoughts, they are highly distressing. I’ll keep at it… πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Thank you Stephanie ! for letting us know how it went !
    Have been worrying a bit since Wed. but did not want to invade your privacy and ask you , figured you needed a little time for yourself , and so I waited for you ( and I’m very good at waiting you know , I should be given a doctorate’s degree in waiting , been perfecting it all my life πŸ˜‰ – all good things come to those who wait , and so on – ) πŸ˜‰
    Amazing job you did describing it πŸ™‚
    Will get back when I can think clearly (head totally not working today 😦
    Turtle Hugs ❀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much…and I’m sorry for worrying you. I know what you mean about waiting…waiting…waiting..waiting…sometimes it’s endless. I hope I didn’t make you wait too long.

      Love those turtle hugs. Hugs! πŸ™‚ I hope that head feels better. It’s been migraine weekend for me, too. We should probably both be asleep. Bleh. Feel better!!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you Stephanie ! No, don’t be sorry …I’m a natural worrier (should be a warrior instead πŸ˜‰ and I thought you would like the weekend to sort things out . This time it s not migraine , it s a nasty cold (got it from my daughter probably …they bring home all this crazy nasty germs and dump them on us )
        Big Turtle Hugs to you πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  15. I’m proud of you for going! But I’m also wanting to punch “Diane” in the fucking face….shit, maybe I should go with you for my anger issues? BOGO? Ha! Seriously, I wish we lived closer…not that I could save you but we could hang, talk, laugh, & just be. Hugs My friend. You’re seeking help & you are worth it. We all look forward to your posts and you mean something to us!

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Someone above (maybe more than one person) said therapy is not one-size-fits-all. I totally agree. And for you, it may be a combination of “therapies.” Your writing is a wonderful gift. Raw, honest, emotional. Using your own language, I’d say it’s fucking fantastic. And it might be that it not only helps you cope (i.e. be less sad) but others, too. Write on girl. Cuz I would miss it if you didn’t.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Aw Julie, shhh you’re making me cry. I’m teasing (about the shhhh part). Thank you. That really means a lot to me. Sometimes it’s hard, to write anything at all. But I’m trying, because this is important to me. Y’all are important to me. And if someone else can get something out of it, too…then it’s so much bigger. Thank you.

      Liked by 3 people

  17. Nothing really to add because everyone here said it already but bittersweet1976 is spot on in his comment about support from the blogosphere. I used to think that people say things to just be nice but I’ve never been so 100% certain about the true genuineness of the people on WP. People here really love you and desperately want you to be happy. It’s pervasive and powerful. There are comments I’ve read on my blog that have literally stopped the tears and brought me hope and a smile. You deserve happiness and we will ALWAYS support that.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you, Jess, so much. You’re absolutely right – it’s real and pervasive and oh so fucking powerful. I’ve been stopped dead in my tracks, tears stanched, frown turned upside down, you name it. I’ve gone from weeping to laughing, so snorting and hurting from laughter from you awesome people. And sometimes, sometimes when it’s too hard to turn around, you’re still here anyway. Just…holding each other. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world. Thank you, Jess.

      Liked by 2 people

  18. I am so sorry that Diane was not a good therapist. You are definitely not just sad and I really hope that the psychiatrist is much better. I can’t believe that she said that nonsense about medication – look at me! No-one ever guesses I have a mental illness and I have taken it for years. She wasn’t wrong about everything though. Once you are treated appropriately and feel better, life would be more interesting with friends outside the blogging environment. It did seem like there were mixed messages – she was very keen for you to be hospitalized but your diagnosis was ‘sad’. To be perfectly honest, if you had come to me when I worked in mental health (and said what you did), I would have tried to persuade you to see a psychiatrist on an emergency basis or suggest you admit yourself to hospital. In the meantime, keep blogging and getting some support from friends who care about you. Life can get much better with treatment and medication. Remember in the last post, I said that you can see another therapist. I might be worth seeing if there is a therapist/psychologist/psychiatric nurse at the Psychiatrist’s practice. I found my doctor through Google – check other people’s reviews. Good luck.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Kerry. Yes, I did seriously consider the hospitalization idea. I just thought…because I have no real desire to follow through on those horrible thoughts and I’ve never once made anything even resembling an attempt….I’m really hoping that therapy and/or medication can set me right. It was hard enough to get myself to a therapy session – hospital flat out terrified me. Ha! If it comes to that, and it just gets so dark that I can’t claw my way out of it, I will consent to it. I’ve already promised that to myself. I will.

      I won’t give up…thank you so much.

      Liked by 4 people

      1. Hospital is a last resort and I sincerely hope that you can get some treatment soon. It might be really obvious but try to eat properly and sleep as well as you can. Lavender baths and a milky drink can help at night. I am thinking about you. K x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You are doing amazingly well at coping with a health situation which is beyond your control to sort yourself. It just helps to keep the basic stuff right also. Don’t berate yourself – we are all rooting for you. Hugs xx

        Liked by 1 person

  19. I think this blog is proaby the best thing you can do for yourself because if you have no one else, there is always us and we are the best bunch of friends to tell you that if you write funny, sad, wacky things, it doesn’t make a difference because we love you for you. Everyone has a story, considers themselves quite F’d up at times, or sometimes alot of times but you took that step and went to see D….I hate the idea that she kept looking at her phone because if you are listening, truly listening you have to be present with a person and look at them, see them….Wow, this piece stirs so much emotion, pain and fear for what you are going through and feeling helpless in a way knowing that I can send a hundred virtual hugs and virtual kleenex (snot rags πŸ™‚ ) haha, funny but that’s what I call them. Steph, this world is a better place and I am a better person for having met you here, and I will always be here for you no matter how sad or how many F bombs you drop…..Love you girl, truly and I am sorry for being so long winded. I also want you to know that I don’t sometimes get to your posts until sometimes the next day as I like to take you home where I can read without interruption and smile and laugh and sometimes cry too. You aren’t one I hit like just because. You are here because you are a gift to my world and I am so very thankful to know you. You are beautiful and don’t forget it….okay, no tears over this, just smile and know you’re loved πŸ™‚
    peace and love and hugs and nutsacks and kleenex too.
    Kim

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Ahhh Kim, pass the snot rag. Okay, okay, I’m okay. You’re the best…thank you so much for your beautiful words and kindness to me.

      I find it insulting and really, frankly…heartbreaking that she’s heard so much from people like me or not at all like me over the years, that she could be so dismissive and just phone in her therapy. Playing with her cell and texting her son…it broke my heart a little. I knew right away how many shits she gave about me. And that was not one. That was tough, and I wish it had surprised me.

      But I’m not giving up, promise.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I know you won’t give up because you’re a superstar and you will keep going until you succeed and when you’re looking back at this you will know that you were strong and awesome and loved and you will hold up your mighty sack of goodness and say yeah baby, I did indeed do it my way….you are awesome my friend and I am so proud of you for each step that you take…sending love and light to another working week…may the force be with you.πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’ve learned a trick at work, if someone pisses me off, I picture them naked….and dancing with zebras…makes me smile inwardly and then I realize they aren’t good enough to be able to dance, let alone gifted enough to do it with zebras….thinking wacky thoughts make me smile and takes some pressure off in the process….perhaps dancing with baboons….the ones with he big pink buttπŸ˜ŠπŸ˜€πŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆπŸ™ŠπŸ™‰πŸŒπŸŒπŸŒπŸŒπŸŒgo bananas, have fun and for loves sake, smile on my friend….πŸ˜…

        Liked by 1 person

  20. I should prolly just say “ditto” and back out. But since I have more words than sense….

    Sandra wrote a lot of what I was thinking. And there is NO excuse for having her phone out and texting. Next time you go you should ask her to put her phone away. (Or give you a 10% discount for the time she spends distracted.)

    I find that a lot of folks in the field are trying to silence their own childhood demons. I was seeing a therapist for my “food issues.” Turns out her mom and grandma have food issues. No matter how better I get, I’m not suffering the WAY they did, I’m not struggling for the REASONS they did, and no matter how much better I get, it won’t fix THEM.

    One thing I will add, though: It’s totally OK to be angry – BUT – a lot of times, that anger is the survival mechanism of the illness. It’s threatened because you TOOK ACTION to kill it off. So it gets angry and convinces you to not go back as a way to preserve its hold on you. Mental illness is a manipulative leech. It’s a parasite that needs you for survival. Be angry, be your own advocate to get the best care you can, but DO NOT LET THE LEECH WIN.

    Hugs, chica. This stuff is super super hard.

    P.S. I’ve had imaginary internet friends since the 1990s. They’re some of the most real relationships I have. If you can’t make friends online, why is online dating so popular? Huh? HUH? HUH DIANE????

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you, Katie! Heh, if it weren’t for online friends, I’d have spoken to practically no one for the last fifteen years or so of my life. But this group right here takes the cake. Y’all are the best.

      Anger…you’re right about the dangers of anger. Sometimes I make myself angry on purpose, to “turn off” the sad. But sometimes my anger is just a way to fuel the isolation and “see? no one gives a fuck about you” mentality. So I try to fight it and give people the benefit of a doubt. Then they turn into Diane, and anger wins. But…if I can use it to take action in a positive way, I still win.

      Thank you. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 4 people

  21. Your insurance plan has a customer service department. Call them and lodge a detailed complaint. The fact that she even had her cell phone OUT is beyond unprofessional; it’s a HIPAA violation. (I’m assuming you’re in the U.S.) You can lodge an official complaint as well (http://www.hhs.gov/ocr/privacy/psa/complaint/), and I highly recommend you do so.

    And when you talk to your insurance people, make it clear you want to see another provider. DO NOT go back to her.

    The double-askingvof questions is normal. You’ll likely get a version of that no matter where you go. It has to be entered multiple places in patient records, so don’t let that alarm you. Also, some patients will answer differently when the question is put to them orally. That’s a pretty standard part of the process.

    The rest? The use of “normal” and “crazy” and “just sad”? Unacceptable. Hospitalization… As soon as you step over their threshold, the counselor/therapist/psychologist becomes liable for certain things. Harming yourself or others (“danger” is a stupid word) becomes, not their ‘responsibility’ exactly, but there are legal ramifications. So do not be surprised if hospitaluzation is recommended by the next person. It’s sort of required of them to mention it. It is NOT required that you go.

    When you see your psychiatrist, that’ll be a different ballgame. His/her job is to diagnose and medicate, and s/he has a lot more legal authority. That meeting will likely be more like a regular medical intake, where they ask questions about your symptoms and you answer. Usually the idea is to figure out how to treat, and that normally includes meds. Expect to provide a list of current medications and dosages, and to answer questions about your alcohol consumption and recreational drug use. Honesty can be hard-won in that situation, but a lot of medications used to treat depression are stimulants, and others have side effects that will be extremely negative if the wrong chemicals mix.

    I’m sorry your first experience was less than stellar. It took a lot of courage to go. You can be proud of yourself for that.

    Liked by 6 people

    1. Thank you – this is epic and super helpful. I’m heartened to hear that the appointment with the psychiatrist should be more diagnostic. I know there are countless approaches to therapy, but one thing that bothered me that I thought would be standard – is that she didn’t really treat me like a new patient. There was no real introduction to the process or what to expect or that sort of thing. Not until I kind of clued her in that I felt lost in it.

      Thank you for that link and advice as well. I’ve never been one to complain, really, when it comes to my own well-being. But you know something, if what had happened to me had happened to someone I cared about, I’d be on the phone or online about it in an instant. So thank you – for the reminder and the push to do something about it.

      Liked by 3 people

    2. I just wanted to add that this was an excellent comment, from Mrs. Fever, with really good advice. My health insurance will sometimes suggest a specialist who is highly rated in his field. Remember that you are a stranger to any therapist or psychiatrist and they will have to ask you many questions to ascertain which treatment/medication would work for you. I always type a letter before I see my psychiatrist which states what symptoms I have been having, sleeping habits, eating and drinking. That makes me think about it, relay it accurately and not panic during the session. A brief bio for a first session might help, also. I would help my clients write similar letters for their psychiatrists. On a final funny note, I bet the psychiatrists (who I worked with) said, “That bloody Kerry – this session is going to be long!”

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Thank you, Kerry – this is an important reminder for me. I’ve been given the impression that the psychiatry appointment I have for December 21 will be lots of paperwork and diagnostics. So I definitely need to go back over my previous “memo to therapist” and, at the very least, make a bulleted list of symptoms and habits so I won’t forget anything. Thank you!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  22. I am by no means a medical professional, but I have a couple of observations:

    First – Find a new therapist. A good therapist builds trust, makes observations, gives perspective, offer alternatives but never makes judgements. You need to find someone that you feel like you can build a relationship with. This initial session does not bode well. For a therapist, who is not a medical doctor, so not qualified to make a pronouncement that you do not need to be medicated, I find that to be disturbing. I seriously would question the ethics behind that statement.

    Second – Everything that I have read suggests that some of the most effective treatment for mental health issues are a combination of both therapy and medication. I agree that there is not a “one size fits all” approach, so you need to be your own self-advocate, educate yourself and work as a partner with your medical professionals to seek the best treatment options that fit your particular needs.

    Third – Before I make this observation, let me preface this statement by saying I am a gun owner, concealed permit holder and staunch proponent of the Second Amendment. Until you feel like you are in control of your thoughts and mental state, I think it is good advice that you remove the gun from your presence. I am not saying that you would do anything rash, but why leave that option available?

    I hope that you find something soon that works for you, that you see benefit from doing and that creates positive changes in your life. Until then, you have my thoughts, best wishes and sending positive vibes your way.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Yes, I’m trying to remember exactly what prompted her first medication comment. I had a little trouble piecing everything perfectly together since I waited so long to type it out. But, I think it’s when I told her that I wasn’t sure what I need: therapy, medication or both. I know I told her I’m open to anything that will help me get well. That’s when she started in on people being over-medicated, and it’s only really for “crazy” people. Blah. I was shocked, too.

      Thank you supermuch. I’ll keep fighting. Thank you thank you.

      Liked by 2 people

  23. First, congratulations on making it to the appointment! Even though she turned out to be a terrible therapist, at least making it is still a big accomplishment.

    My first counselor was pretty awful, too, I remember she would brag that she “never had a patient kill themselves” and it kind of made me want to go home and do it just as a “fuck you” because she made me so mad… I remember she made me sign this paper that said I wouldn’t kill myself, otherwise they’d force me to the hospital, and I signed it, but I just remember thinking that it was the stupidest thing because why would I care about breaking a contract if I was dead? I’ve since learned exactly how to censor and twist my words in therapy in order to avoid the hospitalization thing, which might be defeating the purpose in a way, but there’s just a ton of legal stuff and the whole “better safe than sorry” mentality that makes it come up way too easily in cases where suicide is mentioned.
    Enough about my teenage angst and bad therapy experience though: I’ve seen others since then, and a couple of them helped me through some pretty rough times; I think part of it is finding someone who views the world/has a way of thinking that clicks with you, so they really understand where you’re coming from, which sadly is just a process of trying different people until you find one. (It happens eventually, though!)

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me, Drew. It actually does help a lot to know that it’s not just me. I kept saying in my head, “you’re being too critical of her…” then I’d swing back to “are you fucking kidding me? is this bitch for real?” Heh.

      Sounds like you went through some major headcases, too. I’m glad you finally found some decent ones. I'[ll keep at it! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Of course! I’m glad it helps (:
        Yeah, there are some major headcases out there… I had this one psychiatric NP whose office was littered with creepy kids stuffed toys – I swear their little beady eyes just ate into my soul every time I went into that office… Their offices really do say a lot about them, haha.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Haha ewwww! That’s creepy as fuck. Hm, maybe I should have taken her tattered furniture as an “I don’t give a shit.” Who knows…

        Okay. Okay, I’m gonna ask you because I keep seeing it and don’t know what it means. What’s NP?

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Haha, yeah the tattered furniture definitely doesn’t sound like a GOOD sign… I don’t think I’d even know what to make of it if I walked into someone’s office and the furniture was all beat up.
        NP means nurse practitioner. I don’t know the details of the difference but usually you can get an appointment to see a nurse practitioner in a week or two whereas a medical doctor usually is booked out for like 2 months (or 5 if it’s a psychiatrist)

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Nah, I got ya. I know what a Nurse Practitioner is. I just had no idea what all y’all meant by NP! πŸ˜€ Thank you…

        And yeah….I tried to take it as a good sign, that the woman wasn’t into aesthetics. But I’m totally rethinking the gashes in the upholstery. Maybe somebody tried to cut the woman.

        Liked by 1 person

  24. Stephanie, I just endorse what so many others have said in response to your report. The fact she was looking at her phone and texting her son during the interview with you reeks of her being unprofessional.

    I have thought at various times how I might kill myself, especially as I suffered the downside of my religious faith falling apart, but I never seriously considered acting on those thoughts. So understand that there can be quite a gap between contemplation and action.

    My view of your therapist was sufficiently jaundiced to wonder whether legal liability concerns caused her to take things more seriously when talk of suicidal thoughts arose.

    Even if your therapist does not listen properly at least there are a good group of listeners on this blog, who really care for you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Peter. You’ve got that right…you are awesome. Y’all are awesome. I’m surprised by and thankful for you every day.

      I’m glad you know what I mean – not glad you’ve experienced such. Despair and hopelessness bring so many (unwanted) thoughts to the surface, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we want or intend to act upon them.

      And yes, given how inattentive and wishy-washy she was, I’m sure her “concern” was merely about ass-covering.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thanks Stephanie. I can really identify with a lot of what you write on this blog. I know the social anxiety, my neighbours are good people, but I tend to try to avoid walking out the door when they are in the front yard as the small talk just traumatises me.

        When introverted it is so much harder to say things verbally about oneself than writing it down. I still remember how my mother said she learnt so much more about my inner thoughts from my letters after I left home than she ever learnt about me in the years before.

        I know what you mane about just wanting to stay in bed and not face the world.

        But I also know that you have created a wonderful blog here. You have brought together a truly wonderful group of people. You have also shown us that you are a good and caring person. You are genuine, you don’t tolerate the hypocrites and phonies.

        Liked by 4 people

      2. Thank you, Peter.

        Yes, exactly what you described. I cannot go outside when my neighbors are in their yard. Especially when their children are out there with them. I hate when I do venture forth, and out they come. I plaster on a smile and the requisite, “Hey! How ya doin?” But inside, I’m churning. I hate that you go through that, too.

        And ohmygosh, yes. I wish I could just write all my thoughts down for everyone. I’ve never been able to articulate myself well when speaking (unless I’ve had ample time to prepare for something). But ask me to write it down, and we’ll actually get somewhere.

        You really do get it…thank you, Peter. You are awesome. Y’all are awesome. And your kind words mean so much to me.

        Like

      1. I love Lord of the Rings. I am old enough to have read the trilogy well before the movies came out so I had quite a different imaginary world in my mid to what was represented in the movies.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Me, too, Peter. I’ve no idea how many times I’ve read The Hobbit (so far) in my life. I do believe that one book was my best friend for many years. I’ve only read the trilogy through twice, I think. No more than three times. But ah, I love them so.

        Like

  25. Steph, you are not just “sad,” it sounds like you meet the criteria for (severe) clinical depression. Did your counselor give you an evaluation like this? http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/depquiz.htm ?

    I am so sad that you are hurting. You did the right thing to try to get help and that’s a great thing that you are scheduled to see a Psychiatrist on the 21st. Would it be possible for you to see a different doctor (say a family care physician?) to get on meds sooner? I think the sooner you can get on meds the better you will feel.

    Do you have people in real life? That question…it’s important in terms of having people around who can recognize that you are in danger of hurting yourself, but as far as people in your life…blogging and connecting with others here on Word Press (along with a change in medication) is what got me through the horrible place I was in 3 momths ago. It was bad. really bad. Exactly what you are describing, minus the gun (there was no access to a gun).

    Your counselor does not sound like the best, but you are right she is someone you can be accountable too.

    I’ll be honest, I’m very worried about you. But not scared or shocked by anything you have to say. Keep writing. It’ll help. Your brain might be too foggy to write, write anyway. Reach out to others, even if it’s just online. Be honest with how you are doing.

    And, please, write me anytime quixoticfaith2014@gmail.com for any reason. No expectations, I am just here. Sending my love….β€πŸ’œπŸ’™πŸ’›πŸ’š

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much for reaching out to me. You know…she didn’t give me any sort of assessment like that, nor did she ask me any questions of the sort. I was expecting those. I’ve even taken shittons of those things myself online, so I know what my results are most likely to be. But…I was shocked that she didn’t start with something like that. I knew, going in, that this is a pretty bare bones counseling center, but I still expected some standard procedures to be followed. Ah…

      I’m sorry that you relate so strongly to what I’m going through. I really hate that you’ve been here, but I’m glad you’ve fought (or are currently fighting) your way out of it.

      Thank you….thank you ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  26. What she said. And he said. And everyone before me – massive well done for going through with it and also for staying positive in wanting to continue after this deplorable woman treated you so badly.

    Mrs Fever’s comment seems very informed and I hope that gives you some solid guidelines to help you find appropriate treatment.

    I wouldn’t have known how it worked in the US – I assume you’re paying for this, or its on insurance. But in the UK, even if a therapist is assigned through the NHS, if you’re not comfortable with them you can request to change. Granted, resources are tight so you may end up waiting months to see one but you can still say you’re not happy with the one you’ve been given.

    They say most therapists need therapy – she definitely needs some psycho-babble chucking at her to get her head out her arise! She clearly had no empathy to be able to relate to patients from what you’ve said. And if you haven’t done any of the things she suggested, why hasn’t she followed it up and contacted you after you failed to email her? Oh, and wouldn’t an email be pointless anyway because you could say anything in an email and by her reaction to your friendships, the Internet isn’t even real? Raaarrrgh!

    Anyway, keep at it and obviously you have a lot of support on here, even if you don’t feel you have it offline. Maybe this is the way to go – online therapy. The majority of us won’t be qualified but somebody will be. Maybe it would make you feel more comfortable as it’s what you’re used to. I don’t know, I’m babbling now. But just take care, yeah? X

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Babble away…thank you so much, Haylee. If nothing else, the woman needs therapy with her cell/texting addiction if it’s so fucking bad she can’t go through an hour without it. Grrr.

      Thank you for your suggestions, too – I hadn’t thought to look for online therapy. I mean, not OFFICIAL therapy, ya know. It’s certainly worth looking into!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. My partner’s GP actually suggested online therapy – we have a texting facility where you can talk to a trained professional and when you’re ready, you can Skype or meet face to face. I’m sure the US must have similar services, we can’t be that ahead of the game here!

        Liked by 2 people

  27. Excuse my language I’m about to use.
    This fucking bitch would have had my fist through her cake hole the moment she used the word crazy. Words fail me, arggghhhjjhhhh ok I’m trying to think this through because I read your post and I saw the red fucking mist.
    Texts her son in between asking you the most intimate details of your life, tells you crazy meds might not be a bad idea after all. Omg. I can’t.
    Big kudos to you for going through with the appointment and coming out the other side without killing her in cold blood(like I probably would of lolz) all I can say is I really hope you can get through this shitty ass time and hugs and support here if you need it.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Hahahaha! I love it! I love comments like this…that red hot righteous anger makes me laugh, but in a good way. Like YES! Somebody fucking gets it! You and several others have reacted that way, and it makes me feel better for wanting to scream at her and call her an unprofessional bitchwhore. πŸ˜€

      Thank you!

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Bahahah I am so glad to hear that. Also glad that my anger is welcome, I cannot take anymore of these so called professionals with pieces of paper confirming just how many degrees they have. Pass me the bucket.

        Liked by 1 person

  28. WTF is wrong with Diane?! Normal vs. crazy?! Texting during the appointment?! Meds are for crazy people?! (My blood is boiling right now.) Any of your fellow bloggers could have done better than that! OK, I’ll calm down. Hang in there Stephanie, you’ve got us supporting you through this.

    Liked by 3 people

  29. What really sucks about most so-called “shrinks” is that they’re fucking useless. Meanwhile, an educated person like myself, who has actually dealt with PTSD, OCD, body dysmorphia, and still deals with depression, is kept from having a practice in helping others like myself. Apparently being “crazy” means that I can’t do shit for people who deal with the same shit that I do. Go figure, eh?

    Anyway, if you’re going to do a Monday music party I figured that I’d get the ball rolling, if I may!

    πŸ˜€

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That’s about right – the people most qualified aren’t allowed. But good ole Diane is free to damage whomever she pleases!

      Woohoo! Thanks for the song – I totally needed it. If I get a chance, I’ll get a post going. It’s madness at work, so I may have to keep laying low here. We’ll see… πŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Whew – I’m glad I saw your actual post and commented there. This comment was stuck in spam…along with about a dozen more. I’m gonna have to start checking that. Sorry about that!

      And thank you!! πŸ™‚

      Like

  30. Ok I didn’t even read the whole thing yet I had to stop and comment because

    ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!

    “She said, β€œOh, everyone does that. You’re not one of the crazies or you wouldn’t be here today.””

    This is where I stopped I just couldn’t take it and the thing she said about the internet and the feeling behaviors speech and TEXTing during that.

    Are you FUCKING kidding me?

    Okay I will read the rest now.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah, I’m pretty pissed. Just got the reminder call about Wednesday’s appointment. I’m inclined to keep it so I have something I’m accountable to. But I’m torn because of how utter shit she is.

      Like

  31. “She also told me that medication is unnecessary. That too many people are medicated, and it usually gives you brain damage. β€œYou don’t need medication, because you aren’t crazy. Crazy people have brain damage. That’s what it is! It’s brain damage! But you don’t need it, because you’re normal.””

    WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

    I can’t even…I just…omg…I would be inspired to go off and blog about how awful therapists can be but I ALREADY DID so NOW what do I do? URRRRGGHHHH that shit makes me SO FURIOUS.

    Because you braved up and went for help, trying to be responsible and safe and you get that ignorant offensive stigma shit thrown at you.

    Unfuckingbelievable.

    I am so sorry.

    Unfucking believable

    Liked by 3 people

  32. Keep going sweets, the world needs you. We may not always know why, but we are here for a reason. I agree with the above comments on how terrible this ‘therapist’ was, I know you are done with her. Please do go to the psychologist, I hope you find more help there. I actually would tell you to try to take something for your depression, I have at times when I needed it most, and was able to use temporarily & with success 2x (just be VERY careful about side effects, I had one that made it 100x worse!).

    You have to find a way to break the cycle, that song in your head that is stuck on a loop – telling you these things that are not true. You have to get creative, and I can only imagine how hard it is when you’re on your own. Just *try* to get out, any way you can, be around people more. Go to a restaurant on your own, the mall – for coffee. Whatever. The more alone time will make you feel even worse. Please write me any time if you need a friend.

    Love & Hugs, Elizabeth (countingsheep@bellsouth.net)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Elizabeth. Thank you for reaching out to me and showing me such kindness. I’m terrified of medicine, frankly, because I’ve shown high sensitivity to most prescriptions I’ve taken just for arthritis. I was put on Cymbalta by my rheumatologist…an antidepressant for connective tissue disease?! Whoooo boy did I react terribly to that one.

      But I know I’ve let things progress to the point where I most likely need it – even if temporarily as you suggested. Thank you for supporting that idea. I’m completely open to it, if I need it and it helps.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am highly sensitive to just about everything. I would also recommend what I did with the 2nd one I tried and start slowly – take 1/2 or even 1/4 of the recommended dosage. Trust me on that. Do what feels best for you, I am glad you are reaching out. That is the hardest part. Xo and keep us posted.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Just read this & thought I should drop it over here for you:

        “You are not weak because some days you feel like dying.
        You are not weak because your soul has bruises.
        You are not weak because fear makes your hands go numb.
        You are not weak because your mind says things it shouldn’t.
        You are soft, and sometimes that’s a very difficult thing to be.”
        Emery Allen

        Liked by 1 person

  33. I forgot what I was about to do. I got caught by your post and the comments. You are a good writer. I can’t stop reading until your text ends.

    I get the feeling you are strong inside even if you say your head is a mess. That may sounds weird, but I think you are strong and that so called therapist is not that strong.

    How can one say wp is not real life and on the other hand then say that your thoughts of ending life is real when it’s just thoughts?

    I don’t think those who intend to go through with such thoughts have the ability to think of others and how they may feel. You express concerns for others. That, for me, means that you are still very much alive and among us living creatures and intend to stay that way.

    I think you’re bored and need to find your thing. Something that tickles your brain. Keep searching for that and the dark thoughts will eventually go away. It’s not a quick fix though.

    I never got as deep down as you seems to be. But I was bored and didn’t find any meaning with life until I remembered what I enjoyed the most, before the time I forgot to take care of my self. I started to draw and paint again and that brought me back to a happy life and I found new friends on that journey.

    You are great writer. Maybe somewhere along that way you will find light? Just a thought πŸ™‚

    Take care and find a new therapist. You’re worth a better one!

    Maybe you should record the next session. Just in case you should file a complaint someday.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Anna, this is so thoughtful and kind. And I’m so very thankful to you.

      I agree so much – this IS real life. I’m interacting here with some of the finest people I’ve ever met. Right here in this little corner of the web. And I’m so grateful to you and everyone that I probably sound like a broken record. But I mean it, with all of my heart.

      The last thing I would want to do is hurt anyone, even that poor therapist. I probably should complain about her level of unprofessionalism and violations of HIPAA as Mrs.Fever pointed out. But I don’t now if I can even do that! Heh…

      I’ll keep looking. As of now, I’m planning to keep Wednesday’s appointment – but I do intend to record it with my phone. After that, I think she’s gone for three weeks for holidays. So that will give me plenty of time to work with my insurance company on finding a new counsellor.

      Thank you…thank you so much! (And you’re right on about boredom. It eats away at me. I’ll work on it!)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re so right about not hurting anyone, I agree.
        Keep focus on your way to more light and less darkness in your life. People will come and go and therapists too. As long as you keep searching you have the chance to find somethings that works for you. I think this wp corner is a great place to be. Lots of friendly minds. And we are for real!

        Liked by 1 person

  34. I went through a similar experience. I still get annoyed thinking about it. The counselor I went to, ended up being religious, and said some very unprofessional things to me (I am sure you can imagine). You go to these people for help, and they only succeed in pissing you off. However, when I finally saw a psychiatrist everything was very professional; thank god. I hope you get the help you are seeking and don’t ever go see Diane again! πŸ˜›

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ohhh yeah, I neglected to mention the framed scriptures adoring her shelves. I was afraid it would turn the comments into something nasty. She didn’t bring anything religious up, aside from asking me if I go to church. But that was just the first meeting. πŸ˜€

      Liked by 1 person

  35. Diane is an unbelieveable waste. How unprofessional to be on her phone when she needs to be present for clients. You have so much self control, I would be so pissed and go off on her to tell her to put the fucking phone down and pay attention to me. Is there a way to find someone a bit more professional that will take an honest interest in helping you.
    This WordPress person cares and wants you to be healthy and happy! Hopefully Diane is less of a Bitch next time!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You rock – thank you! Yes, I’m going to keep the Wednesday appointment since I don’t yet have an alternative. But I’m going to record it this time – and I plan for it to be the last time I see her.

      Thank you, thank you! πŸ™‚

      Like

  36. ” crazy person medicine” …………. no words. What the hell? Real fucking professional, Diane. She sounds absolutely terrible. It’s hard to put yourself out there like that and go to your first appointment, especially when you are so depressed that it takes every ounce of willpower you can muster to even give a crap. I’m glad you did it. Don’t let her shittyness deter you. I hope you find a better therapist and your psych appointment goes well. Hang in there ❀ The support, friendships and people I've met since I've started blogging has helped me an extreme amount, too. Diane sucks. Can't believe she didn't even want to hear you out and just wrote off what you were saying. She deserves a good punch to the face.

    Liked by 1 person

  37. She sounds like an interesting therapist. By-the-book but throwing around phrases like “one of the crazies” and “crazy people have brain damage”? Wildly unprofessional! I can see having one who’s loose and quipy, jokes around a little bit. I’d actually prefer that style, talk with me like a buddy would not some disinterested suit with the magic pen and pad. But that borders on insensitive and obtuse. Some of the questions she posed had me thinking she could actually delve, for a minute. All I know is that the anxiety you felt going into it? Sounds like its now morphed into frustration. But, if even only a bit, talking to her got you thinking. It’s a start. She may not be the “one”, but keep trying. When you do work with the right therapist, the one whom you connect with, that makes you think and pose and dig deep, you’ll be glad you stuck it out. You don’t know me from a hole in the ground, but as one of those non-real WP friends I’m around if you need advice, a laugh, or a good tune to befit your mood, or change it, whichever you prefer. Be well, and stick with this. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Heh, that may well be…but then, whom do I really know from a hole in the ground? πŸ™‚

      You rock for this – thank you so much. I’ll keep at it. I have to. And the support of awesome people like you gives me the steam to keep going!

      Liked by 1 person

  38. Hey Steph (((hugs))) Wow, how condescending can one person be? The phone thing would have did it for me. It would of been like “How about when you stop obsessing over your phone, I answer your questions OK?” So disrespectful! Sorry lol I was getting mad right along with you while reading your post. Reminds me of my first encounter…I left her office fuming. Oh, one hour and you have me alllll figured out….riiiight. I left more angry than when I went in. In her report that was emailed back to me she wrote to the original doctor: “Thank you very much for referring this interesting woman”…”interesting” really? ugh lol it makes me want to go back and tell her off…anyhooo sorry for my rant but this sort of thing boils my blood and I’m sorry you had to experience that. On the bright side I am really happy you took the step to seek therapy and hopefully once you weed out the bad seeds you’ll find a good fit….they do exist! You just have to shop around a bit I find. As for her comment on the internet and “real life”….she can (pardon my language) fuck right off considering she couldn’t leave her phone alone for 5 seconds. Sending lots of good vibes your way! Keep us posted πŸ™‚ xo (((hugs)))

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hugs! Thank you, Cavelle! And I ain’t pardoning shit. You can fling fucks around here all you want. In a manner of speaking…. πŸ˜€

      Ugh, sounds like your first encounter was terrible, too. I’m glad you found someone else! I will, too, in time. Hopefully sooner than later!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes! πŸ™‚ Don’t give up ❀ Here's one thing I learned from that bad therapy session, you learn very quickly what you will and won't put up with and that makes the search much faster lol

        Liked by 1 person

  39. My therapist has had his cell phone ring once during all of my sessions with him, and he apologized and turned it off. I can’t imagine him ever cutting me off in order to text someone, unless it was an absolute emergency.

    Hopefully the psychiatry session goes better. I had a pretty terrible psychiatrist for a while, then found someone else and she was absolutely wonderful. She was very receptive to what I had to say, and while she believed very strongly in how far diet and exercise can go to improving your mood, she wasn’t at all hesitant to write me a prescription if I needed it. She since has moved from the office where I saw her to another place that doesn’t accept my insurance, which is a bummer, but the guy who replaced her at the office I go to turned out to be really great, too. I’ve only seen him a few times since, but he’s also very receptive and even though I’m really only there for meds checks at this point, he still asks me about my life and lets me talk a little bit before we go over the medicines.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, sounds like you’ve had some pretty good experiences! Once you ditched the terrible psychiatrist…

      I hope I get some good luck with the psychiatrist. But I’m not so sure. The counselor and the insurance company both said she’ll probably just do diagnostic paperwork and then go straight to medication. I’m not counting that out for now, but I would ideally see one person for everything. I’d like the psychiatrist to also be the person I’m counseled by. Makes way more sense to me that way.

      We’ll see!

      Liked by 1 person

  40. First of all, hi, I really appreciate reading your blogs. Secondly, I think a new counselor audition sounds good. πŸ˜‰ Get it?! You audition them, ok…Thirdly, we embrace you and your writing which means your thoughts, and your feelings, and you are writing, and you decide how you want to do that for yourself. Pad, blog, notebook, what have you, you choose. Big e-hug from me to you. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  41. I don’t know how I missed this. I look for your posts in my emails. Like a love-sick creepo, I do. You are massively loved here. It took me 10 fucking minutes just to scroll through your comments. I know you’re too brilliant and amazing to be going through this shit. You will rise above like all amazing people 😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahhhh damnit, thank you. You rock so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And I creep the shit out of your blog, too. I love love your writing and humor (and even when you don’t feel like being funny – just you!).

      Thank you so much. ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  42. Just so you know, having a blog has really helped to carry me through some dark times, so keep using it! And everyone is right, if Diane is not working out, find another one. Sometimes you will have to go through them like kleenex until you find one that works. Wishing you luck and sending supportive hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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