One of my favorite literary devices is portmanteau – you know, blending two or more words together to make a brand new word. I love ’em. Especially filthy ones. Filthmanteu. Cursemanteau. Oh yeah. This is gonna be
good delightfully inappropriate. (By “inappropriate,” I mean “awesome.” And by “awesome,” I mean “don’t say any of this shit in front of a nun.”)
The crux of it is that I like to make up words. And I especially like to make up swearwords. So gather round, Peopleaneous. It’s time for a vocab lesson. I think we should call it:
Let’s take these tasty little morsels in alphabetical order, shall we? (They’re definitely not gonna be tasty. And some of them will be downright nasty.)
Assknuckle – an idiot. (Not to be confused with “assknuckler.” That’s something entirely different, dear ones.)
That assknuckle spilled coffee on my keyboard!
Bitchknacker – someone with the knack for being a bitch.
I can’t believe that bitchknacker took a nap while I was doing his work!
Buttermilk bitchcuits – a pair of bitches, in need of cutting. (I just made that up. Just now. You’re witnessing greatness in action, my friends.)
Those buttermilk bitchcuits have fucked me over for the last time!
Cockgoblin – an inconsiderate prick. Also, someone who gobbles cocks.
Someone took the last cookie! What a fucking cockgoblin!
Crackmuncher – someone you’re simply annoyed with.
Grandma, you crackmuncher! You burnt the cookies!
Facehole – a more satisfying word for mouth.
No spoilers! I will punch you in the facehole!
Fucknugget – a sex toy. Kidding, ew. That’s disgusting, and also I bet you’ll look at chicken nuggets askance now, won’t you? A fucknugget is an inconsiderate douchebag.
That little fucknugget broke my crayons!
Hodonkey – a person of ill repute. Or an unfortunate situation.
That hodonkey gave him a lapdance while her husband was outside!
Or – I’m out of cookies; ain’t that a hodonkey?
Maggotbreath – someone with the breath of a thousand corpses.
*throws a mint* Hey, maggotbreath! Suck on that!
Punkernickel – a term of endearment.
Aw, look at that little punkernickel! Don’t you just wanna eat his face?
Slutface – a hodonkey.
Hey! My eyes are up here, slutface!
Soggy crack sniffer – an assknuckle.
I asked for cookies, not brownies! You soggy crack sniffer!
And sometimes, I ruin perfectly good words by forcing them to be insults. Like “mung bean.” Someone piss you off? You fuckin’ mung bean!
How about “plate”? Oh my god, he’s such a dickplate!
Or “chair”? Can you believe what that chairhole said to me?
You can also mix-and-match. How about that son of a slutfaced crackmuncher!
I realize that most of these are more like filthy compound words and not technically portmanteau. But this is my blog, damnit! I can be wrong, and it’s still right!
Lesson learned, doucheflap.