Stephanie Evades Ninjas and Converts to Buddhism within a Half Hour in a Time Travel Capsule

So I forgot to tell y’all about my MRI. (Y’all can thank my dear friend Magarisa for staying on me – not like that ya pervs – to post! Go have a visit. Poke around – still being pervs, I see – do it. Or I’ll cut you.) What on earth can I possibly say that’s even remotely interesting about an MRI? And did y’all even see that title? I mean seriously. What in the name of Cookie Monster does any of that have to do with an MRI? I know; I know. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Cookie Monster in vain, but damnit times are tough and I was desperate. If there’s anything I’ve learned over the years, it’s that one must occasionally utter cookiefanities in order to get one’s point across with the proper amount of vehemence. (Feel free to use that little truth nugget. Go on. Write it down. I’ll wait. Well fuck you, too, then!) (Don’t worry. I don’t know what the fuck I’m on about, either.)

Pope Cookius the Fourthus
Pope Cookius Monstericus the Fourthus. His first declaration was: C is for Cookie. His second was: Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

Without further ado, let us commence with solving the title/content conundrum.

Commencing to Solve the Title/Content Conundrum

The Players: One Stephanie, complete with all body parts, at least according to last year’s inventory. One attractive middle-aged Rad-Tech, with a warm smile and an ice cold handshake. One MRI machine.

The Place: Are you paying afuckingtention at all, people? I mean, seriously. Why do I even bother? Let me reiterate: an MRI machine in a deep freeze frigid ass room. Seriously, I think they teleported me to Antarctica. In a lake. That was covered in ice. Without a jacket. Because everyone knows that jackets keep the chill out when one is submersed in frozen Antarctic lakes. Duh. Where the hell did y’all go to school? I learned that shit from my esteemed instructor, Seรฑor Cracker Jack Box.

The Setup: Stephanie’s jacked up left foot has been hurting since Jufuckingly. And all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Stephanie together again. So a lowly peasant woman (a lovely Nurse Practitioner) referred her for an MRI while one of the kings was out playing croquet or shagging his lawyer’s wife or having his pool boy give him a pleasure enema or some shit. Fucking sicko. (Apologies if you get off on enemas.) (Sicko.)

Having an MRI: A Duet That Always Goes South when Someone (ahem MRI) Exposes a Nipple at Halftime

Step 1: Get naked. Really? Y’all believe that? What the fuck is the matter with you? If you got naked at your last MRI, you totally got hospital herpes (aka hospes) and got knocked up by the dude who cleans up the vomit and diarrhea that splatters on the floors in the rooms of the less healthy patients. Yeah. Naked. You hodonkey cockgobbler. Will the real Step 1 please stand up?

Step 1: Get naked. Dudes, what is wrong with y’all tonight? The real step one involves a buttload of paperwork, a hospital wristband (seriously?) and meeting your entire fucking deductible and maxing out your HSA on the seventh damn day of the year.

Step 2: Wait for the rad-tech to show up. Rather impatiently, I might add. Gotta get to work, people! Time is money! Life is short! Why oh why the fuck can’t I be in the forest around Cape Flattery? Le sigh. Oh here he is now!

Step 3: A little more paperwork, and a slight bit of eyeing the forty-something cutie.

Step 4: Doff the hoodie, hang it in a locker. Shoes in the locker. Earrings in the locker. Wallet, phone, keys in the locker. He kindly informed me I wouldn’t need to don a gown and wouldn’t even have to remove my bra. Thanks, doc. Here I was hoping to lose my virginity at prom. Thanks for stringing a girl along. He also said my fillings wouldn’t be a problem. I assured him of my relief, seeing as I’d left my pliers at home. Silly me.

Step 5: Go into the doom MRI room, receive instructions, lie down and have the rad-tech position my legs (very funny, guys) and my pillow (oh yeah, this is getting good now).

Step 6: Squish the proffered earplugs in. (Wait, what? Earplugs? Kinky.)

Step 7: Rad-tech slides in (me, that is, into the machine). I go in all the way to the hip and that’s it. Then he leaves the room, and I get superduper still, as instructed. Stephanie’s totally at ease. “I’ve got this,” she thinks, mentally thrusting her fist in the air.

Step 8: Stephanie embarks upon a slow descent into madness. Let’s peek into her thoughts, shall we? Shhhh, we’ll simply be quiet observers. Leave nothing disturbed (it’s already quite disturbed, as we shall see). Listen and be edified.

I’m cold.
Seriously, I’m really fucking cold.
Stay still, dumbass. You don’t wanna be here all day.
OhmyFUCK how about a blanket, fuckwad? I read about MRIs online, and I’m supposed to get a motherfucking blanket! WHERE’S MY MOTHERFUCKING BLANKET.

Fuck.
Are my nipples hard?
My nipples are hard.
That’s about fucking right.
My bra covers that up, right?
He can totally see my nipples.
That’s it. I will never leave the house again.

What the hell was that?
Did that ceiling tile just move?
Oh my god, that ceiling tile just moved!
What if that’s a secret ninja hatch?
What if they’re here to kill me?
What if they’re here to recruit me?
Ohfuckyes, that’s it! I’ll be the world’s first Fat Ninja!

I’ll sneak up on people, kill them with my ninja stars….then eat them.
Hannibal Ninja! Ninjabal Lecter!
I bet they’re here to kill me.

SON. OF. A. BITCH.
My fucking leg just moved.
You traitorous motherfucker. Just wait’ll we get out of here.Just. You. Wait.
Oh my fuck, my foot just moved!
It’s the drugs. The psychiatrist conspired with the MRI people to make you pay more to take more images because YOU WON’T STOP FUCKING TWITCHING YOU STUPIDHEAD!

I’m really, really, really fucking cold.
I can’t feel my legs anymore.
I’m shivering and I’m gonna fuck up this test!
What would Buddha do?
I know. I’ve got it. (Stephanie begins chanting in her head.)
There is no cold. There is no cold. There is no cold. There is no cold.
You’re on a warm beach. Feel the warm sand and the cool breeze.
No! What the fuck is the matter with you? WARM breeze! WARM!
You’ve ruined everything.
There is no cold. There is no cold. There is no cold. There is no cold.
Fuck it. If this isn’t over soon, all that’s left will be a Stephsicle.

You know what would be really awesome?
If this were a time capsule!
Where would I go, though?
Back in time to kill George Lucas before he can fuck up Star Wars, like Patton Oswalt said?
Maybe just to find out the winning lottery numbers, like everyone else says!
No, I totally wanna have a drink with Winston Churchill. We’d be homies!
Or maybe! Maybe! Back to July and not step off that fucking ledge all recklessly like you did!
I just wanna go back 5 fucking minutes and ask for a motherfucking blanket.

You’re being crazy.
Seriously.
You’ve got to stop this nonsense, or you really will fuck the test up.
And stop thinking about fucking the test up!
Thinking about it will make you fuck it up!
Don’t you know anything?

Wait, I really can’t feel my legs.
Except when they twitch.Oh no. I know what’s happened.
This can only mean one thing.
I’m not in an MRI machine. No, it was never an MRI. It was all a ruse.
It’s…it’s….it’s!
A Sarlacc! And it’s eating me! Legs first!
And I’m strapped in and can’t get out!
Why hasn’t the rad-tech spoken lately?
Oh my fuck, I know what’s happened!
He owes a blood debt to the Sarlacc, and to save himself and his starving children….
He feeds the beast the blood of the innocent!

Sarlacc
omnomnom

Step 9: The rad-tech enters the room, helps Stephanie up and out of the machine and waits for Stephanie to remove her squishy earplugs.

Step 10: Rad-tech tells Stephanie she did such a wonderful job staying still. Rad-tech asks Stephanie how it was for her (snicker). Stephanie replies:

Oh that? I could hardly tell time was passing, I was so relaxed. I can’t believe it’s over already!

Stephanie thinks in her head:

You are fucking insane. Seriously. Certifiable. And if anyone ever tells you to have an MRI again, cut them. Into tiny little pieces and feed them to the Sarlacc. Because fuck this shit! P.S. He totally knows you’re lying. He saw your nipples, too. Whore.

ย ~

And that, my darlings, is how not to take an MRI. Or do, because I have to admit…those crazy fantasies were kinda fun (when my heart wasn’t racing because I was alarming myself).

~

Oh yeah. P.S. The MRI showed that my foot is broken in two places. Since July and never healed. No joke, five doctors, eight visits, and two sets of x-rays…and no one could figure out why I’m still hurting. Frankly, none but one podiatrist and my rheumatologist’s Nurse Practitioner believed me. It’s thanks to her I got the MRI and am now be-booted. I thunk around like a bad TV version of Frankenstein’s monster. But at least I finally know what’s wrong and can start to heal…so I can go hiking again. Booyah!

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196 thoughts on “Stephanie Evades Ninjas and Converts to Buddhism within a Half Hour in a Time Travel Capsule

  1. I’ve never had an MRI, so thanks for the play by play. If I ever have one, I pray it’s not in a cold room, where certain unmentionables (though you mentioned them) may become visible. Funny stuff. Welcome back!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. There wasn’t one bit of this where I didn’t laugh. Not one, except the end, but I already knew that. Still I wouldn’t laugh at your pain. Much. Also couldn’t help notice it seems like someone may have whispered something in your ear before you wrote this…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my God, you made me laugh! And I’m glad you get to Frankenstein-walk your way to a healed foot. So funny. I just posted last night about the funny little dirty things my kids say but don’t realize it… and other assorted results of having a filthy mind… and then I read this. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I almost pissed my pants and I’m not that damned old yet. You are just about the best thing in the world to me. It takes way, way, way more than five doctors to read an MRI correctly. I think the average now is around 22.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. It’s because you inspire them. Girl, I love nothing more in this life than people who are earth shatteringly honest and fucking real. You are both. That makes you a favorite.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. I was thinking of asking you to expand on the nipple description but thought better of it. Had a few scans, MRI, CAT, but still don’t know the difference.
        The ‘funniest’ experience of recent years was treatment for kidney stones. Something called ‘Lithotripsy’. It was the option I chose rather than the old ‘umbrella’ method of extracting them. Wasn’t ever going to chose that while there was any choice!
        Anyway, so while I don’t understand the technicalities of the procedure, you’re made to lie down while a machine continuously zaps the kidney stones into pieces using ultrasonic shock waves or something.
        So in to the prep area I go and wait to be summoned amid wails and zapping sounds like flies meeting their deaths on those blue things in dodgy fast food places and fully grown men bleating with pain.
        Kidney stones are not fun, rest assured, and I was a little apprehensive.
        Next, into the room with the big machine I go. Hmm.
        So I get ‘comfy’ on the trestle bed thing and prepare for torture.
        Pretty soon he’s ready. ‘ZAP!
        ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!.. (Etc.) goes the machine on my kidneys. It’s a funny sensation, a bit like someone snapping an elastic band with a prickly covering at you, but on the inside not the outside.
        Pretty soon the guy says “how’s that?” And I say “interesting!”. He replies asking how I’m coping with it and I say “Okay” since it’s nowhere near as bad as when the kidney stones move and I have no reference point for comparison. “Good” he says. “Just let me know if it gets too much”. This goes on for 15 minutes or so, and it does get a little ‘tiresome’ towards the end, which finally arrives, but not before I discover in conversation that he turned the machine up to maximum quite early on. And then he told me that the painkillers usually don’t work that well. “Painkillers!!?? What painkillers?” I ask. “Didn’t they give you some in Prep?” He asks? “Er, NO!” I reply, or something similar.
        So now I know I’m thick skinned.
        And I can assure you that pissing out jagged little rocks 3-4mm is worse. Clearly I’ve never given birth. But then my bits weren’t made for pissing rocks either.
        ๐Ÿ˜

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Hahaha! Oh my god, that sounds like absolute hell. And there you were just humming along. You could have taken a nap or read a book by the sounds of it! I’ve never had kidney stones. Gallstones, yes. Oh holy fuck, those were terrible demonic assholes. But I hear kidney stones are hell spawn, too. Good thing you didn’t have to pass them. Sheesh….

        And if you’d asked for a more detailed nipple description, I’d have probably said something like, you know those pointy things on the tips of boobs? They get hard when it’s cold or…something. And that’s about all you’d have gotten. ๐Ÿ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Oh you have to pass them, that’s the point. The zapping just breaks them up a bit into sharp little gravelly bits and nature hopefully does the rest with a lot of water. ๐Ÿ˜Š Nothing hurt as much as when they first started moving on their own. The funny thing about that was it first started sitting in a pew at a wedding about 5 minutes before the bride and groom were due. My wife (-ex) was convicted I was just playing up to get out of the wedding. I went back to the hotel room and spent the evening vomiting my insides out until she appeared at about 1am, and seeing the blood and the state of me called a taxi, and then as I was puking and rolling on the floor they thought I was just another Glasgow Saturday night reveller gone too far until the doc Sussex it out. It was a long weekend away that one! ๐Ÿ˜ thanks for the description. It’s been a while…

        Liked by 1 person

      5. She was a bit of a meanie at times I’ll admit. Love your way with words though! That particular night ended with morphine – with did the trick! How is your foot now? Must be a relief to finally get it diagnosed and treated properly. Worth all the stress of the scan in the end I hope!

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Thank you!! And oh yeah, it was worth it. Geez the price alone gave me seizures. (Not really.) (Maybe.) It still hurts, but hopefully the boot helps it. Just the knowing has been a big relief. Some of the doctors I saw didn’t even believe me. Like I was some pain med seeker – which I’ve had exactly none of for my foot. So their logic made no sense. I think they just didn’t know, so they left me high and dry. But I’m glad to know now! With luck, wearing the boot long enough will fix things!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. At least the MRI gave helpful results! My MRI experience when they took a look at my brain was oddly similar to this (except they gave me a blanket… and I didn’t get earplugs, they actually gave me “noise cancelling” headphones and let me pick music, which I’m pretty sure was meant as a practical joke because I couldn’t hear a thing over those insanely loud magnets. Plus it was kind of claustrophobic having my head inside the machine because I couldn’t see ANYTHING. Also the waiting room after changing into the hospital gown thing was freezing and they made me wait for over an hour.)
    Just horrible; hopefully we can just celebrate being done with MRIs and never have to go back :p

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hahaha! The level of terrifyingness (it’s a word, shh) ratchets up through the roof when your head is in there. I had to have my full body in there once, to scan my head. (Why couldn’t they just put my head in?!) And I stayed perfectly still. But boy was I terrified! I kept panicking that they’d leave me in there, because it was right at the end of the day.

      You’re right about the noise. Can you imagine what it would sound like *without* any noise canceling? And I felt like my whole body was vibrating for a couple of hours after the thing. Which wasn’t altogether unpleasant. Ha! Jokes. I got jokes.

      Let’s celebrate indeed! They wanna do another one on me in three weeks. But I’m broke now, so they can kiss my ass. I’ll just wear this boot until my foot doesn’t hurt anymore! ๐Ÿ˜€

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Because of the chainsaw wielding baddie that also imagined would come and saw my feet off and hang them from his porch as trophies? All the while I’m stuck in the machine and wishing I had a hammer to throw at his skull? That kinda thing?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. :O CONTROVERSY!

        On a serious note… MRIs are… yeah. As fun as they are not fun.

        I had one once. I didn’t need to have it. I only found out after having it.

        I wqs waiting for some loud chrome laser sound to haplen and it never did.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ooooo lasers! I didn’t think about that possibility! Or or a Large Hadron Collider! OH MY GOD I WAS PART OF A CERN EXPERIMENT!

        No wonder my skin is turning translucent and I can hear people’s thoughts.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I must find a way to protect my thoughts!
        They’ll all now be in some of the Italian I know!

        “Ciao bella. Il gato e il verde. Italiano. Stephellaneous Stephellaneous. Mi ciamo naso.”

        Eh. Can’t be bothered no more. Too much Italian.

        1st whoops: I meant a CT.
        2ns whooos: The spelling mistakes. Still waking up.

        Still waiting on your extra band listing *tongue poke emote haha*

        And your translucent skin is showing.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. You’re so silly! And that’s why I love you!

        I know I know…YOU KNEW EVERYTHING LAST TIME! So now I’m even MORE intimidated! Hahaha! I’m trying to come up with some shit! I could have at least replied to say that, huh? I’m bad. Bad bad.

        And thank you for reminding me. Sometimes I have to be hit over the head!

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Hooray for love!

        I would retort with the same, but I must maintain a cold, cool exterior to hide the creamy interior.

        Actually grinned. Then my place ran away.

        Now it’s cold and rainy (rain is a foreign element in Australia as usually it’s just firestorms [not true… or is it? {intrigue}]).

        I DIDN’T KNOW EVERYTHING! Just some of the things. SOME I SAY!

        You must reach deep within yourself and look for the bands that are the bands not known by an Australian who knows bands.

        Seriously not concerned if I know them or not though.

        Seriously… not concerned.

        What?

        Anyway…

        I had something else to say but now I forgot.

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Don’t worry, I wasn’t gonna ask you to put a ring on it. ๐Ÿ˜€

        They ARE real! Love AND firestorms! I’ve heard about these firestorms. And the dust storms. And the kangaroos hopping through the yards. Even seen piccies of such!

        I looked deep within myself, and I found candy. Does it make me a cannibal if I eat myself to get to the candy center?

        Seriously concerned. Even though you’re seriously not concerned.

        And this week blows donkey balls. WORK IS INTERFERING WITH MY BLOGGING AND EMAILING DUTIES, I SAY.

        Do you have a blanket? I’m cold. Also, I’ll take a glass of lemonade. (Not Sprite, Aussie. Real lemonade!)

        Liked by 1 person

      8. The cool exterior still stands!

        What? It’s getting away from meeeeee!

        Actually, in 2009 there was a fairly intense dust storm. Everything looked red for a few hours.

        …It might. Depends. Is the part you’re eating also candy?

        Then you must do the thing… use… free time… urgh.
        BUT EMAILS MUST BE SENT! AND BLOGGING MUST BE WRITTEN!

        I have many a blanket. Let me send them to you by throwing them over *tosses a blanket*.

        I’d give you a lemonade, but I ate the lemon.

        Why the fuck would I drink sprite?

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Haha I know, I know! I’m wont to neglect my friends. It’s…it’s the way I’ve been for a long time. I’ll find a way! I’ll send your email! And take your blanket! And your lemonade!

        An Aussie once sent me a picture of a bottle of lemonade. It said lemonade right there! I saw it! But it was carbonated and clear! We fought to the death over that one!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. “P.S. He totally knows youโ€™re lying. He saw your nipples, too. Whore.” – BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

    I had an MRI to check out the nodule on my thyroid – I also had the WEIRDEST thoughts whilst in that bloody machine! I was too scared to swallow so I almost choked on my spit… It was awesome ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hahaha yeah!!! I had thoughts about swallowing, too. Like what if it makes me shift just enough to fuck up the whole thing? Or what if I end up swallowing like an idiot and hacking and have to stop the whole thing and start over? MRIs are crazy! ๐Ÿ˜€

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Haha! I can totally relate, except to the nipples part. I’ve had several of them and I got squirmy in some of them, which really pissed of the technician. They don’t like doing them over again. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’ve had several nipples? How does that work? You shed them and grow new ones? Or do you just have several rows of them? You could be an Instagram star!

      Seriously, several? Damn. This made the second one. No, third if you count the CT scan I had ages ago. Several sounds like a nightmare. It’s hard NOT to get squirmy, isn’t it?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oui, oui, je suis trรจs mystรฉrieux. Oรน suis-je? Sous la table? Dans le placard? Cachant parmi les arbres? Mais non, je suis sous ton lit. Prรชt ร  saisir vos chevilles et tu transporter dans pour … pour … quelque chose de mystรฉrieux.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I made a spelling error in my previous comment (again)… quelle horreur! Rentrรฉe, not rentrรฉes. I’m so close to getting my spelling bee medal fr Grade 5 taken away from me..

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It’s much better, except about 2 hours after the evening meds. As in right now. Hehe. I waited a little longer tonight since I don’t have work in the morning. But ooooo am I sedated. I think they’re meant to help with my borderline insomnia – the ones that sedate me, I mean.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I think I prefer passing out, because I actually lose way more sleep when I can’t fall asleep. I’ll lay here for hours and hours. The disturbances make me angry, but they don’t last as long before I fall back asleep.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. So the meds (or at least one of them) are doing SOME good. Not being able to fall asleep for hours on end sounds horrible…I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience that on a regular basis.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Haha yeah! When I wake up at 2:00 AM, I’m like MOTHERFUCKER NOT AGAIN. Then I go pee and go back to sleep. Then I wake up again at 4:00 and it’s all WHAT A COCKFACE! Then I go pee and go back to sleep. ๐Ÿ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

      7. You’ve GOT to start incorporating words from other languages – an awesome way to build up your repertoire!
        Que hijo de puta!
        Was fรผr ein Trottel!
        ไป–ๅฆˆ็š„้ธŸ!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Not that it’s any of my damn business, but. . . LMAO I’m still curious about all the meds you’ve been prescribed, as well as whether or not you’ve had you conversational “i’m not taking this shit” tรชte-ร -tรชte with your head-hunter psychiatrist? Maybe asked about switching to Depakote (or Xyprexa) instead of Lithium. Of course, you can tell me just to shut my mouth, turn off my curiosity, and mind my own damn business! I’ll understand . . . no, really, I will! LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aha! You’re perfectly welcome to ask. I’m the one who blabbed my business, right? ๐Ÿ˜€

      As soon as I told her that the hand tremors were causing problems with driving and scaring me, she immediately took me off of the Lithium. She still doesn’t know what’s causing the swelling (imagine that) or the horrible stomach issues. But they’re starting to subside, so that may have been the Lithium, too. It feels like I’ve emerged from quite a drug fog. I don’t think I’m really better than before Lithium, but I’m definitely better than DURING Lithium. It felt like my head was being shoved down and I was being forced into some weird waking coma. Oh yeah, it’s also reduced the severity of my headaches being off it!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Sounds like a ride, I’ll have to add this to my lists of medical tests I never want done. Sit still? No, don’t think it could work. Crazy that it took an MRI to figure out your foot was broken.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha! Yes, by all means – avoid it if you can! It’s crazy what the mind things when you’re “trapped” in a loud ass vibrating machine like that for nearly 45 minutes!

      And right?! I cannot believe it didn’t show up on all those x-rays. I just don’t get it.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I had an MRI and I the worst part for me is that I am claustraphobic. I hate cramped spaces. And I was barely able to squeeze into the tube, so for an hour and a half, I had to sit still and not do anything. No phone, no laptop, not even an Ipod. For the first hour I was DYING. It was only the last half hour when I just decided to sleep that I could finally conquer the fear.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sleep! I kept trying to will myself to sleep! No dice.

      Dude, my phone would have been awesome so I could listen to my jams while I lay there.

      Ugh, you’re reminding me of one I had years ago that required me to be fully in the machine. That was straight up terrifying.

      I bet you did think you were dying!!!

      Like

  11. Shit in this two weeks I have had 4 MRIs, an EMG, EEG, 3 X rays and blood drawn 5 times. I have never had to get naked for any of that but 3.5 years ago after left for dead in a fucking hit n run accident where the dipshit rookie wrote it up as a one car accident and fucked my insurance by renewal time 350% I had 3 in one day and 2 X rays. I was friggin microwaved and we got a flood of 3 feet of water in the basement. I did not give a damn

    Like

  12. I’m sorry, but I read nothing after the hard nipples comment. Um… I’ll be in my bunk.

    Oh, sorry about your foot, princess, but it’s better to know so these fucksticks can get it fixed properly.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha! Dirty boy! Wait, you didn’t see did you? No. You’re way up there, and I’m way down here. So for all you know, they look like cow teats. You’re welcome for that image.

      And thank you! I’m actually glad the MRI found something. I wanna shove it in the face of all those jackasses who acted like I was a med seeker or something (and I never asked for or received any meds for it, anyway).

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Steph – I had serious back pain in the spring. Like weep-inducing pain. Doc said it was a kidney stone. Specialist took a look… two herniated discs in the vertebrae. Brilliant, doc. You really earned that copay.

    And actually I was only wondering if you could dial a rotary phone with the cold nipples. Mental image right backatcha. ๐Ÿ˜›

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Coming by drone. Should be there in a few hours. Heh. Seriously, I”m glad they found out what’s wrong. Be careful, dammit, or I’m sending the SWAT team down there.

        Liked by 1 person

  14. Oooooo. Did the MRI thing and they stuck me in up to my neck. All it made me think of was how much I’d freak if they put me in head first. I’d need sedation for sure.

    So glad your foot is FINALLY getting sorted out!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Bummer about your foot, but YAY that you finally got it fixed….I had a nurse friend who didn’t know she fractured her foot in Hawaii in the summer and limped around for over a year on it before someone finally took a MRI and saw she had a couple small fractures…she was in a boot for several months but the fractures healed and poof the pain went away…..amazing!!!! love your post…kat

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! I can’t believe it’s common enough that your friend went through the same thing. It’s been hell, but I’ve almost gotten used to just limping around and wincing now and then. I only really whine about it once I’m home. Ha!

      Thank you so much!

      Like

      1. That okay. The office I’m in still has the AC on (what is the matter with these people?!). Not only am I well insulated by default, but I’ve got a cami on, a shirt over that, a sweatshirt over that, and a hoodie over that! And my hands are still cold. ๐Ÿ˜€ (I’m hot natured, too!)

        Like

      2. This place keeps the AC on even in winter. I wear my hoodie in the summer. It’s a perpetual freezer. I don’t complain to the supervisors, though, because my old department was like a furnace!

        Definitely not in England. I’d rather be right about now! ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  16. PMSL!
    You are so talented Steph, fucking super talented.
    I don’t know why you didn’t ask to be turned around and put back in the other way after they had done your leg so they could have a look at your head and find out why you are just so damned bloody funny.
    You rock steph, you really do rock!

    Liked by 2 people

  17. I just had an MRI this week, too. For a suspected hip fracture. And I was in headfirst, which is mildly terrifying even if you don’t fancy yourself a claustrophobic. (Which makes me think it must be dang stressful to be a baby, and explains why they are often in such a hurry to get out!)

    On the plus side, they gave me medical pants to wear….I had to hold them up. I was thinking I was THIN by hospital standards. But then I realized….if those pants had fit, the MRI would NOT have.

    Anyhoo. Worst part of it was taking out all my piercings. And they should really give you a sleep mask – not seeing it makes me less aware of how tight it is in there….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh man, a hip fracture? Good lord, I hope you’re okay! That sounds way worse than broken little bones in the foot.

      It’s been a long time since I did the MRI where my whole body was in there. I hope I never have to do it again. And I’m no skinny minnie…I’d be scared I’d get wedged in there and need fireman to get me out. ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜€

      I hope you’ve found out some good news or do soon!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Exactly. Would be better if I wasn’t turning into a lump of jello while waiting to heal, but in my mind I was anticipating having to have it amputated, and wondering how the hell I was gonna get the laundry out of the basement. So I’m OK for now and am wearing much better pants at the mo.

        Liked by 1 person

  18. Man, getting eaten by medical machines…I was getting a CT scan when I discovered I was allergic to the iodine contrast they gave me. Half my face swelled up til one eye was pinched closed and my sinus cavity was totally blocked, and I was painfully dehydrated and covered in hives head to toe. They had to pump me full of benadryl and 2500 cc’s of saline. And then, while they’re waiting for me to get better over the course of an hour, and I’m hoping to god I don’t get worse and need a tracheotomy, the tube in my arm slips slightly — just slightly enough that I start leaking blood all over myself. All that visit needed was the Benny Hill theme to complete the circus.

    Also this story reminded me of one of the later pages of my comic: http://img2.smackjeeves.com/images/uploaded/comics/c/4/c48d09275KrTf.jpg

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Holy shit, that sounds like a nightmare straight from hell! I’m sorry that happened to you! I didn’t have to have the contrast this time. I did for the one of the ones I went all in for. I wasn’t allergic to the iodine, but the stupid bitch missed my vein and didn’t know it until my hand swol’ up to the size of my skull. And she was all, “Oh I’m sorry suga’, let me try the other hand.”

      Anyway, that PALES in comparison to your story. Good lord, boy!

      Like

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