Why did No One Warn Me about the Fucking Janitor? (Or: The Office Romance that Wasn’t)

There are things in life that we all expect to get a heads-up on. Things like:

How to get bullied in elementary school. Here are some helpful tips: Thou shalt cut thy little girl’s hair into a little boy’s helmet head. Thou shalt furthermore dress thy little girl in Quaker style dresses and high-water pants. Theyest shall harass the everlovingshit out of thy little girl if thou dost. Thine daughter shalt never forget.

Driving forty miles per hour through a school zone will get you pulled over, even if you don’t turn any toddlers into roadkill. Fortunately for the hypersensitive, your genuine tears of distress and shame will probably get your ticket downgraded to a seat-belt violation.

If you step on a crack, you will not break your mama’s back. No matter how many times you try it. You sick fuck.

Working in Corporate Hell will cause your soul to evaporate. Ask me how I know. (Don’t ask. I’m pretty sure it’s self-explanatory. Besides, my soul has evaporated, so I just won’t answer you.)

Taco Bell rhymes with Taco Hell for a reason. Run away from the border, unless you want to learn the true meaning of explosive.

Never ever glance into an open restroom stall, however inadvertent it may be. You will learn that your COO only dyes the hair on her head to hide the gray. She will giggle and wave. And you will be traumatized for life. For life.

Thou shalt never ever slather cream cheese on chicken or on strawberry cupcakes. Or Stephanies will punch you in the butt cheeks. Both of them.

See? Those all sound like reasonable things to request fair warnings over, yes? I mean, sure, some things will escape us. It’s not my fault I didn’t see the spinach protruding from your teeth before you went into the boss’ office. Therefore, I couldn’t possibly have warned you. Unless you were Queen Bitch and I did that shit on purpose and quietly laughed for a good hour over it. What? That’s purely conjecture, people. You can’t judge me for conjecture. Assholes. Besides, she deserved worse.

I mean, hell. Just ask George R.R. Martin. He’s only been warning us Winter is Coming for a fucking decade. Now there’s a guy who gets it. Unfortunately, not everyone does.

FairWarning_905

Creepy Carl is Creepy

So it would have been Really Fucking Nice to get a fair warning about The Janitor. Let’s call him Creepy Carl, shall we? We shall. He’s in his sixties and a little slow. That’s not a slam; it’s true.

I started my current job about three and a half years ago. Initially I was in a database department, just me and two guys. That suited my personality perfectly. It took a few months for me to warm up to them, but once I finally did I could out-crass both of them. Which  made for some hilarious interchanges. It’s one of the things I miss about that department – the chill factor. So, anyway, I was new at the time, and maybe they didn’t see it coming. Maybe they decided to give Creepy Carl the benefit of a doubt. Maybe they didn’t think he’d hit on me, in particular. Maybe they simply failed to consider the possibility.

Well guess what? All of that is a damn lie. They knew, and they waited for the tales to come. Those fuckers.

Stage 1: Stephanie is new on the job and super duper shy. This is her default nature until she warms up to people. Stephanie is also bashful and friendly. So Stephanie says “good morning” and “hi” to everyone she passes, with a big (non-toothy) smile plastered to her face.

Stage 2: Creepy Carl’s interest is piqued. Stephanie does not realize this, clueless wondertard that she often is.

Stage 3: Creepy Carl begins shouting his greetings to Stephanie, with exaggerated waves…clear across the office building, warehouse, parking lot, youfuckingname it. Stephanie’s growing anxiety with the situation prompts her to blush and wave, then propel herself out of Creepy Carl’s line of sight as quickly as possible.

Want Frys With That

Stage 4: Wondertard, remember? Stephanie, the former smoker, joined the smoking dudes out back to get her nic, thinking this would be a nifty way to get to know people without actually trying to. Which is usually great, because smokers tend to be blue collar, which are generally cool as fuck. Little did Stephanie know, Creepy Carl is a chain smoker. Not once did she have a smoke without finding him there. With increased exposure came increased encounters and conversation. (Look, I wasn’t gonna be rude to the guy. Even if his overt attention-seeking was creeping me out.)

Stage 5: Creepy Carl begins watching for Stephanie to walk through the double-doors from the offices to the warehouse, from where he would then stop whatever he was doing and make a beeline to follow her to the smoking area. Stephanie was most displeased, uncomfortable and beginning to get well and truly freaked out. Wondertard continued engaging him in conversation anyway. Even when it became obvious that Creepy Carl was fishing for interests and relationship status.

I was always as vague as possible in my responses, without being rude. I figure, the guy’s harmless enough. And probably lonely. Whatever, I know that feeling well enough. What could smoke-break conversations hurt? Even if he is starting to stalk me throughout the building, and people are asking questions.

Stage 6: Creepy Carl gets downright fucking scary. One day Creepy Carl pointed at my car in the parking lot and asked, “That yours?” Stephanie thinks, there’s nothing special about it. The damn thing is about sixteen years old. Stylin’ and profilin’ is my game, bitches. Anyway, so wondertard replies, “Yeah, why?” Creepy Carl returns, “Oh, no reason.”

Stage 7Creepy Carl then attempts to follow Stephanie home after work. No shit, y’all. She twists and turns and evades. She even catches him waving at her in the rear view. She gives the antiquated beast some gas and keeps weaving all through the neighborhood until finally shaking him off her tail. Stephanie pulls into her driveway, heart threatening to pound straight out of her chest, phone in hand ready to dial 911 if he shows up and pulls in behind her.

Stage 8The next day, Creepy Carl asks Stephanie what neighborhood she lives in. She mumbles some incoherent something, smashes her cigarette out and practically runs back to her office to finally ask the guys what the fuck is up with Creepy Carl. Hipster for Jesus smirks and asks, “You smiled at him, didn’t you?” Stephanie cocks her eyebrow and gives him her famous death-to-you-look, and Hipster for Jesus bursts at the seams with laughter. He nearly got kicked to comb-over school for that one.

So now I’m informed to stay away from him. Now I’m informed Creepy Carl creeps on all the girls, particularly the new ones who haven’t gotten wise to him yet. Creepy Carl is also a known thief who steals from people’s desks and unlocked vehicles. Creepy Carl has been caught at all of this and mildly reprimanded for his stalking and stealing. Hipster for Jesus thought it was funnier this way, to wait until it happened to me. Until I told him about the stalking. He had the decency to wait nearly a full business day to ridicule me about that one.

Stage 9: Wondertard not only continues to smoke out back, in known creep-town, but she also continues to smile at Creepy Carl. But one day, before she could make her quick exit after putting out her cig, Creepy Carl asked Wondertard a question. In front of about a dozen other guys all out there on their smoke-break. Which made it fabulous. Fucking fabulous, let me tell you.

Creepy Carl: “Hey Wondertard, have you ever seen The Nutcracker?”

Wondertard: “Yeah, I used to go on annual field trips to see that when I was in elementary school.”

Creepy Carl: “Did you like it?”

Wondertard: “Oh I loved it. Mostly because I got away from school for a while. (Wondertard does NOT know how to shut up.) Hated the bus rides, though. Weren’t those the worst?”

Creepy Carl: “I have two tickets, and I would love to take you out to dinner and to The Nutcracker afterward. We could just see where the night goes.”

Wondertard freezes in her tracks, like a doomed deer in headlights just waiting for the impact that will turn a happy, innocent if retarded little deer into road meat.

The dozen or so guys  immediately cease all conversation and phone games, staring in wonder at the scene unfolding.

Wondertard panics.

Wondertard: “I. Uh. I. Uhm. Well. You see. (shifts from foot to foot, heart racing, eyes wide) Well uhm, I mean. Thank you. That’s so kind of you to think of me. I mean. Really sweet. And uhm. (shuffling toward the door now) I mean it’s just…that’s really sweet. I’ll uhm. I gotta get back to work. Thank you. I’ll uhm. I’ll….

Creepy Carl: “Okay, great! Let me know for sure, and I’ll come pick you up. I know where you live.” (He knows where I live! Holy fuck, I’m gonna die!)

Stage 10Stephanie shakily returns to her office and plops down in her chair, staring at the wall for an interminable amount of time, until finally she cracks: “Hey, Hipster for Jesus?” Yeah? “You’re never gonna believe what just happened…” Yes, fucking Wondertard strikes again. Because you know what happened next? Is what still happens. Stephanie the Wondertard never lives it down. And she also stopped smoking out back, for good, and avoided Creepy Carl like the plague.

I shamefully never gave him an answer. And I do regret that. I just…y’all I’m not the kinda gal that gets asked out. It’s not something I’m used to. It’s not in my realm of experiences, quite frankly. And my anxiety just fucking exploded that day. It didn’t help that he’d tried to follow me home and at some point figured out exactly where I live.

The moral of this story is steer clear of the Creepy Carls in your life, and maybe have a little more sense than to smile and wave back when they grin maniacally and shout at you from across a football field length warehouse. Because that’s too fucking much, y’all. It’s too fucking much!

The second moral of this story is give a girl a head’s up for fuck’s sake! A little fair warning would have been just bloody fucking marvelous!

The third moral of this story is never trust Hipster for Jesus ever ever again. And when he ridicules you, find a way to get him back. I suggest stealing his hair gel and swapping his nut-hugging skinny jeans with jogging pants. Maybe empty his 5-hour energy bottle and fill it with NyQuil. Take that, motherfucker! How ya like me now?

I think we’ve had enough creepy for one post, n’est pas? I shall save Panel Van Paco for another time. Aren’t you just giddy with excitement? Yeah, me neither.

 

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101 thoughts on “Why did No One Warn Me about the Fucking Janitor? (Or: The Office Romance that Wasn’t)

  1. There is nothing ‘harmeless’ about any of the behaviors you described. Harrassment is, by definition, *unwanted* attention, and I sincerely hope you’ve reported these things. As for the following you home: if that ever EVER happens again, please drive straight to the nearest police station and file a report. They’ll be able to pull his description and the make/model of his car from their video cameras.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I didn’t report it. I never did. I’ve struggled all my life with letting people get away with far far too much with me. I know what taught me to be that way. But I also know I’m grown and have to take control of my life now. That’s not the first time it happened, either. And the second one was actually worse. I definitely should have called the cops then…

      If there ever is a next time, that’s the first thing I’m gonna do. Because my life could have been in danger, no matter how “off” he is. In fact, more likely because of that.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes. Drive to the police station *instead* of driving home if he follows you again. Like I said, if he’s following you, he’ll be on their cameras. And if he has any sense at all, he’ll keep driving instead of pulling in behind you in their parking lot.

        We all have to “be grown ups” in unconfortable ways sometimes. And past (learned) behaviors of NOT speaking up for ourselves can be difficult to undo. But your safety is at stake. And by nobody ever DOING anything about his unacceptable behaviors, Carl has learned that what he’s doing is okay. And it’s NOT.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you, Feve. You’re absolutely right. When I asked hipster boy his advice on reporting him, he said to let it go. I later learned that hipster boy is about as passive as they come and lets *everything* go. He was a poor choice to ask advice of. Hell, I should have taken my own gut advice and reported it. And, as you said, driven straight to the police station that day. If it ever happens again, that’s exactly what I’ll do.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree, always seems to be the janitor. I am more than squicked out that he followed you home. I think it’s time for Carl to go back to the home. Clearly the med levels aren’t right.

    I will say that I truly enjoyed the ‘heads up’ tips at the beginning of this nightmare. I am most grateful to have never inadvertently seen the COO in a compromising position. Actually, I’m grateful to have never seen the COO outside of his office. He’s a douche. And once again, you’ve reminded me of the need to beware of the Hipster for Jesus dudes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh gosh, there are so many dangerous people (I wish that were an exaaggeration) roaming those halls. The only person I know of that’s ever been fired is the one who pointed a gun in another man’s face. When they found out the gun was loaded, they got him a police escort outta there. That’s what it takes to be let go here… :\

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This story got my heart racing because I was actually sexually harassed at work when I first started by this security guard. He ended up sneaking a kiss and so I reported him and he got fired. Fucking douchebags. Creepy Carl reminds me of him.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m liking strictly for the video. The post itself is way too damn creepy. Good, way too funny in spots, but overall creepy. Like the peeps above have counseled, report it if it ever happens again. You don’t need any Creepy Carls roaming around…

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Of course not. It just further illustrates the support I receive here. Just when I think the focus will be on the funny parts, people rally around to tell me not to stand for the bullshit I’ve put up with.

        So thank you for that.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Hahaha! I love that description. I’m wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy too passive. It seriously took me over three years to stand up to Queen Bitch, and 1.5 years of that was in super close quarters. I gotta work on this shit!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Any anger you feel, if you feel gross about someone like that, it’s your intuition telling you it’s not right. Just let those emotions come to the surface, they’re there to protect you. Or tell someone if you don’t think you can stand up to them yourself, I guarantee the people that care about you will look after you. Oh and one thing I always told myself, if they’re doing it to you and you don’t think youre worthy enough to protect (you are though) think of the other people that will go through the same thing.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Whether you believe it or not the people that care think you’re worth it, even if you don’t think you owe it to yourself you owe it to them to stay safe. Those type of people aren’t jokes, they are dangerous. Just makes me angry that hipster for jesus thinks it’s funny, people like that destroy any chance for change, that whole mind view is nearly as sick as the creep himself

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Thank you, Kim. Now you got me crying – and the thanks isn’t sarcasm.

        And yeah, I was actually hurt and then pissed off about how much ribbing I got for the whole situation. I let him know that I needed his advice, and he laughed in my face about it. Bleh.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Fuck that guy, what a fucking wanker. It’s the same mentality as the rape culture saying it’s the victims fault. No, that’s wrong, he’s wrong. That shit is not something to be laughed at. If you are legitimately worried tell hr and if they don’t do shit tell the cops. It isn’t right, last time I checked unwanted stalking was a crime. You are too much of an awesome person to deal with that shit, there’s nothing wrong with being passive but when it comes to your safety then you need to act and it’s hard but you are most definitely worthy of feeling safe and un-harrassed

        Liked by 1 person

      6. I appreciate that, no ones ever said that to me before. If you ever need advice on subjects like that or anything then email me, it should say my email on comments considering WordPress is a Creeper of a website. I would never want something like what I went through happening to you, or anybody. If you think that something or someone isn’t right, trust your instincts and if you think someone like me is encouraging enough to confirm things (which sincerely thank you by the way) then don’t hesitate, don’t keep it in, email me.

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Oh I absolutely mean it, too. I’m way too much of a pushover, and I’ve pretty much only ever seen common sense straight talk from you. And I appreciate it so much – and NEED it. Which means I need YOU and am grateful for you. Thank you…and thank you for the email offer. I mean that sincerely, too. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      8. You’ll never get bullshit from me, I don’t view the world with rose tinted glasses. I do live with hope though. I’m not an optimist nor a pessimist, I am a realist. I’ll always tell you what you need to hear, not always what you want to hear. But I say everything I do even if it’s cold with the most sincerest intentions. This subject should definitely not be laughed off.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Ugh, that sounds terrible! I really hope that somebody has reported him to HR; he shouldn’t be getting away with doing any of that! (I definitely know how difficult/scary it can be to even think about reporting someone, but hopefully they have a good system set up so there’s some method of reporting harassment that’s more comfortable… Plus, Hipster for Jesus technically should be reporting this guy for harassment, too. I’m pretty sure there’s a rule like “If you know or strongly suspect it’s going on, you should tell HR about it.” And if there isn’t, they need to make that a rule RIGHT NOW.)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m emotionally conflicted.
    On one hand, I think that’s somewhat fucked up.
    On the other, I came here to tell you to post more, finding that you’ve put up two more in the last couple of days.
    Makes me proud and happy and proud (and not necessarily in that order, let me tell you).

    Still need to drop some free-form sub-par writing, like me!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I would be laughing my ass off if I wasn’t extremely convinced this all happened to you and kinda freaked out by the fact that he knows where you live. Of course, so do I. I’m outside your window right now. But that is not material to this story.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh it ABSOLUTELY happened. A fair portion of the top list happened, too. Sort of. Sort of not. But the janitor story is 100% truth. It’s still okay to laugh. And since you’re outside my window, you probably saw what I just did.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. HAhaha lol, I had the opposite. I was in HS and had the two new 20-21 year old Student Teachers that were hot ask me out and I had to do the der IDK, isn’t that wrong? Shit, they both were friends and asked me out? They both had answers, we are not full fledged teachers and they both knew my 18th birthday was coming up? I never went to or entertained at school functions like plays and shit. Forced into Orchestra as I was first seat cello and could not avoid it. 2 years after graduating I get two tickets in the mail to the faculty follies where teachers do spoofs or pretend to be the students. I was a legend, I kid you not. I would train at night, often shirtless and had an audience any time of night. Mind you from before and for 2 years after I got calls and hang ups from said teachers. I went to the FF and right before the halfway break they did a spoof on me. Someone running by in the dark, mind you my seats were front row center, the two in the bleachers were said young female teachers and it basically turns into me having an audience and being stalked by college kids, kids in mine and other schools and even teachers? WTF? Then I am mortified during the break and the women are like we have been trying to get you to come here for 3 years and waited to do this for you. I was mortified and they both, at different times asked me out and let me know that the other was interested too. Way too much. However I was dating someone who was into chicks and I had to decline knowing it would end very very badly.

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