An Alice in Chains Kind of Day

Do you ever feel alone?

So. Fucking. Alone.
So. Fucking. Hopeless.

I shouldn’t be listening to Alice in Chains. I shouldn’t have Layne Staley’s beautifully haunting voice in my head this morning, mirroring my mood. Feeding it. Fueling it. Strengthening it. But it’s an Alice in Chains kind of morning.

I was up too late last night. I took my meds too late. So, though I was quite exhausted, I had a hell of a time getting to sleep. Then one of my cats, the Orange One, decided to go dumpster diving at various times throughout the night. You see, I thoughtlessly left the giant sack of cat food accessible to the cats. I had no idea that the Orange One would bypass his food bowl in favor of climbing up onto the bag and eating out of it instead. That loud crackling, crinkling racket coupled with his munching woke me up no fewer than three times in the night. (Yes, I moved that bag first thing this morning.)

All of this led me to oversleep this morning. Of course. Which fucking sucked, because I had to skip my shower. I like to take one every morning. Helps me feel clean (First World water consumer right here) and is equally important to help me feel awake.

So. I’m “hoping” that those factors combined are why I feel so…subdued…today.

The alternative is far more upsetting.

The alternative is that in spite of the meds and positive changes in my life.
I’m beginning the downward spiral back into a depressive state.

It’s been a while since the slow creeping venomous vine of depression bound me in its grip. Where it cuts and burns and squeezes and binds. Until it enters every orifice and spreads within you like a slow, painful death.

It has hold of you now. You hack and hack and hack away at the vines, but they’re stronger than you are right now. Because the venom of the vine seeps into your body, into your bloodstream, into your very consciousness, into your soul. And the venom?

Lies. Cruelty. Darkness. Hopelessness. Suicide. Worthlessness. Fatigue. Loss. Pain. Malaise. Apathy. Despair. Anger. Hatred. Loathing.

The venom is insidious. But you’re in no state to fight it.

Depression is what we call it.

We want to fight it. We want to break through. We want to break free. But it’s not always so simple, is it? Sometimes it’s simply time. To be depressed.

I hate being a Depressive Person.
I hate having Major Depressive Disorder, Clinical Depression, Bipolar II, PTSD, GAD.
What. The. Fuck. Ever.
Whatever it is. Whatever the labels.
I hate it. I don’t wish to feel this way. I do not choose to feel this way. I do not enjoy it.

But in a strange way, I can at least be thankful.

Thankful?
Thankful.

Because it’s only for the darkness that I’m able to see the light.
If all of my life is spent in sunshine,
Do I recognize it as sunshine?
Can I appreciate it if I don’t know that darkness exists? What it looks like? What it feels like?

If all of my life is spent in darkness,
Can I appreciate the sunshine?
If I don’t know that the sunshine exists,
What gives me hope? What reason have I to persevere? To keep hacking away at those vines?

Perhaps I need the depression.
Perhaps it tempers me.
Perhaps it reminds me what is real.
Even as it tells me lies about myself.

~

Sometimes it’s the very things I hope for. The very things I cling to. That shift my sunshine into the darkest of nights. Perhaps I want too much. Need to much. Ask too much. Expect too much. Perhaps I am my own undoing.

~

I want to live a life apart.
I want to escape civilization.
I want to damn expectations.

I don’t give a fuck about elections.
I don’t give a fuck about money.
I don’t give a fuck about fearmongering.

I have zero fucks for celebrity.
I have no interest in things.
I am sick to death of working for the man.

I don’t wish to spend my life rotting in front of television.
I have no desire to tour the den of lies that is Washington, D.C.
I have a big, fat fuck you to societal rules and norms.

Fuck your McMansions.
Fuck your things.
Fuck your self-righteousness.

Fuck your racism.
Fuck your xenophobia.
Fuck your nationalism.

Fuck your ownership.
Fuck your entitlement.
Fuck your judgment.

~

John Muir is My Hero

I want a companion.
I want to explore the wild.
I want to take the road less traveled by.

I want to learn.
I want to question.
I want to observe and absorb.

I want to immerse myself in different cultures.
I want to meet and embrace the other.
I want to see life through your eyes.

I want to hear your perspective.
I want to feel your soul.
I want to reach into you and bathe in your essence.

I want to get lost on purpose.
I want to relish the adventure of finding my way again.
I want to discover the untamed beauties off the beaten path.

I want to make love on a blanket of grass under a sea of stars.
I want to run naked through a meadow of wildflowers.
I want to cleanse myself in unpolluted waters.

I want to giggle for no reason.
I want to belly laugh until it hurts to breathe.
I want to spend hours simply making faces at each other.

I want to have deep, tangential conversations until three A.M.
I want to make a pillow fort and sit in our underwear and tell ghost stories.
I want you to see me and let me see you.

I want to smoke a joint and tell stories in the middle of a rainforest.
I want to wash my face in snow melt and move on.
I want to walk the cobblestones of an ancient city, then get fucked in a dirty old stairwell.

I want to be loved unconditionally.
I want to be allowed to love unconditionally.
I want my quirks to be appreciated.

I want you to see my tears as beautiful.
I want you to let me kiss yours.
I want to live inside your soul.

I want to live.
I want to love.
I want to be free.

~

The problem is: I don’t think this is too much to ask.
I think: This is the reality that people have been brainwashed to not see.
I want: That which is truly real and meaningful.

And when I don’t have it.
When I can’t have it.
When I am denied it.

I sink.
Down.
Down.
Down.

Into the depths…
Of my mind.
Of my desires.
Of my aching lack.

Want me.
Need me.
Love me.

Adventure with me.
Learn with me.
Challenge me.

Show me something I’ve never seen before.
Let me show you things you’ve never seen.
Let us carve our own reality.

I’m waiting.
I’m wanting.
I’m ready.

~

Is this too much to ask?
I think not.

And you know something?
I feel better already.

74 thoughts on “An Alice in Chains Kind of Day”

    1. Thank you, Rob. And it does help to know that a lot of people feel this way. Sometimes I wish I didn’t see/feel so deeply. But in a strange way, I’m glad. I’d rather feel than be numb.

      Thank you for the fun tune! 🙂

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  3. “I want to be loved unconditionally.”

    Maybe you can begin by loving yourself unconditionally, with all of your human faults and flaws? And when you love yourself, it’s a lot easier to spread the love around. 🙂

    “I want to be free.”

    Freedom has different meanings for different people. What do you want your freedom to mean? If you suffer from depression, I’m not sure you can free yourself from this medical condition. Managing it is the best you can hope for, and it seems like you’ve got a handle on that. Good for you. 🙂

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      1. As a woman, you shouldn’t wait for someone else to fulfill or complete you. You have the power to do that yourself, don’t ya know? Not that it’s easy, but I think finding out what makes us happy and complete is a life-long search. 🙂

        Liked by 3 people

  5. I sometimes wonder if I could slow down enough, whether I’d brighten or darken. I’m too damned busy to baseline, other than the one I’m faking. Maybe it’ll be a guitar weekend for me too. Have to get out mine and play. Alice in Chains is excellent, unplugged is absolutely beautiful, for all its sadness.

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    1. It is, indeed. It’s my favorite MTV Unplugged session. And my god, the emotion that pours out of that man’s mouth.

      “Other than the one I’m faking.” That line right there got me thinking.

      Maybe it’s best you don’t slow down. Or maybe it’s best you do. And find out what lies beneath.

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      1. Well as I have said before, simply berth and work the issue through in your head. Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen and as long as the answer doesn’t end with you in a casket then there is nothing that cannot be resolved. Quiet your mind Steph, Focus on something inanimate and try to relax.
        It is ho I used to do it and I have to say I had relatively good results….
        Chin up sweetheart.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Good stuff Steph, I always tried to take my meds at the same time everyday, that way I didn’t tend to forget but when I did….. I know what you mean (although my was pain related) and there was very little in the way you could do to get back on top of the situation.
        Glad you are feeling better sweetheart, now you go get ’em – albeit at 3am your time 😉 !

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      7. Thank you Steph, you are a sweetheart yourself. Shame you took to your bed for the weekend but that sometimes just the way things are. I hope you are feeling brighter when you get up today. Maybe get a shower and eat something healthy. That can always lift the mood….
        Might I ask if you have tried exercise? It really is good for the mind….

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Well, the good news is that so far I’m feeling better – in comparison. I hope I continue to improve throughout the day. One can never be sure with these things. But I remain optimistic (which is already a good sign).

        I definitely need to get exercise back in my life. It really was good for the mind.

        Liked by 1 person

      9. Excellent! That is great news.
        I didn’t mean to teach you how to suck eggs vis a vis the exercise, I just recall when I was feeling crappy after my breakdown, I know that getting out and exercising always helped me.
        As always Steph, I am here should you need any support. Now you take it easy, don’t over do it and you will be right as ninepence in no time 🙂

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  9. Wow! That was a fantastic read. Let it out! Yell, scream, and to hell with anyone who doesn’t want to hear it. It’s not good to keep things bottled up. That said, you’re in flux right now. BIG changes afoot. You’re likely uber stressed, wildly scared, and have just a few worries. That’s all contributing to how you feel, I’d imagine. Take a breath. Let it out! Loudly! But then catch your breath, breathe, and assess. Alice In Chains fits the mood, yes. If you want a change of pace, something a bit more mellow, a combo of upbeat riffs and beachy feel but still melancholy enough to sayisfy your moods ear, try something like Jack Johnson or Ryan Adams. Might help to change your soundtrack a bit?

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  10. Love yourself, wrap your own arms around you. It’s really hard to live with a disease, to always be managing it and dealing with it. And it’s not fair. But what helps me: I imagine this sweet little old lady, her little dress, her awful shoes, her clip on earrings. And I know that I have my disease instead of her. I am saving her from this pain, and I’m glad, because I can take it and she can’t. It reminds me that I am strong and that I can handle it. Even when I’ve been totally fed up and at my breaking point, I’ve kept on, and I’m still here. So are you.

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    1. What beautiful truth you’ve shared with me. Thank you – so so much. I love the idea that you think of saving this sweet little old lady from a disease that you’ve taken on to protect her.

      I try to remind myself that there’s this deeply wounded and terrified little girl inside me, and I need to take better care of her. And forgive her when she freaks out from time to time, no matter how much she’s nurtured. She’s been through so much.

      So I need to protect the little girl.
      And save the old lady.

      That’s…that’s deeply symbolic.
      I like it.

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  11. Beautiful work, Steph. Absolutely agree with your feelings. However, you are not alone. I have to say that you are surrounded by loving friends and supporters. You understand that, even though it feels the opposite. Warm wishes. ❤

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  13. Hope you feel much better soon, mon amie! I was also in a bit of a funk for the past few days, and have temporarily stepped up the dosage on my antidepressants so I can cope (unlike you, I cannot bring myself to blog about it, but I refuse to be envious of you). Feeling more stable and less anxious already… I’m so grateful for meds. Don’t take your meds late again!

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  15. I hug you tight first and foremost. I applaud you secondly for being the honest, open and ‘I hate this fucking shit’ girl that you are. But mostly, I just pain believe in you! Take those meds on time sweet child of mine ❤️

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    1. Thank you, Sweet Rita (Swita, was it?). 😉 Seriously, thank you.

      I may expound on this more tomorrow if I’m feeling it.

      I ended up in full on anxiety/panic attack mode after this. And I think I know why. Which means I can fix it. 🙂

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  16. No shower? For reals? Here my pal, I’ll send you some snow, when you get there you can SpongeBob bath…..daaahaaaahaaaahaaaa. My dear, I loooooved this post and all of the things you want to do and WILL do, but…hmmmm I didn’t see eat nuts out of a nutsack on there…..that’s okay, today is my last day at work and then moving next week. Woo Hoo….normalcy will be, well, normal again…whatever that is…..miss you, thinking of you and loving your staircase one… I may have to steal that to add to my spaces and places list…..be well, love you, K

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      1. Thanks Steph, yep, no more nuts….empty drawer. Maybe on my next job….unless I retire and become a writer…..hahha, now that would rock! It would be like “do what you want, take your dogs and cat to work day and play the tunes as loud as you want day all rolled into one….just don’t tell the boss the shove it….cause that’s me😊” yeah, cool idea😊💐🌺🌼🌷🌹🌸

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      3. Thanks Steph, made t down to the sunshine, took three days to get here but the weather is balmy spring seventies, still unpacking and hope to get high speed internet this week so that things will move a bit quicker. Enjoying the semi retired life too much😊 miss you and be back soon, peace love and nutsacks, K

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      1. Good, because I’ll drive down to the bayou and personally give you shaken baby syndrome – and not in a good way.

        “It’s not that I’m lazy. It’s that I just don’t care.”

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  20. Keep searching for something that not get you bored. I think that’s the key. You have so much energy inside you that needs somewhere to go. You have so much to tell the world. You’re an excellent writer. I found my artmaking as a way out of boredom. I don’t know where I had been without it today. Probably depressed and bored to death. So keep looking for your thing.

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      1. Thanks. I can recognize that boredom feeling in your writing, that’s why I want to remind you. No one saw that in me, I myself figured it out finally and I myself found a way out of boredom. If someone had told me, I had seen it earlier, so I’m trying to help in my own weird way. I really like your writing. I stop by your blog as often as I can 🙂

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  21. I don’t have a witty or wordy response for you, but there’s no need as you’ve expressed so well what depression can be like. You did ask to be shown something new, so I’m posting something that you’ll not have seen before.
    Good days and bad days. Good and bad….

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  22. Hugs. As trite as it sounds, a good night’s sleep can make a world of difference. Treat yourself during these low points like you have the flu – rest, fluids, and rest. (At least, I tell myself these things, and it gets me to the next day.)

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Lay it on me!