Another Day, Another Panic Attack (Beware Rantphanie)

Here goes. This one should be fun.

These Panic Attacks are increasing in regularity. I thought…I thought they were Anxiety Attacks. And I think that’s all they used to be. But something is wrong, because I know the difference well. And I’m having full-on panic attacks now. Is it a med? I’ve reduced how many I’m on. It is circumstantial? That’s no doubt a contributing factor. Is it something age-triggered? Perhaps. I rule nothing out at this point. Nothing except the fucking anti-psychotics the bitch keeps trying to push.

They’re getting worse. Picture me lying dead still in bed until it explodes. And then I experience everything I described before plus a lot of hair pulling, gnashing of teeth, rage screaming. Lately these “episodes” have landed me in the closet. It’s like a safe, cozy spot of dark. It’s a small closet, and the walls are close. I drag my pretty paisley lap blanket in, along with a pillow and my phone (just in case).

I curl up into the corner, zip my hoodie all the way up, pull the hood down as low as it will go, cover myself in the soft, indulgent blanket. Then I close my eyes, lean my head into the corner, and pet the blanket.

lg_clean20out20your20closet
Only darker and far less clutter.

I’ve been asked by more than one person why I do this.

What’s wrong with you?

Why didn’t you reach out to me?

Why didn’t you think to ask for help before you vomited the contents of your broken soul into the wastebasket?

What did I do to deserve you feeling suicidal?

Am I not enough for you?

Why are you doing this to me?

Are you doing this for attention?

Why don’t you just fucking stop it?

Just be happy, for fucks sake.

You were fine five fucking minutes ago!

You must just not trust me. That’s what this is about. Admit it. So how can I trust you?

Let’s just get this said for the record: This isn’t about you, you raging fucking narcissist.

If you could get your head out of your ass for five fucking seconds, you’d understand that something this severe isn’t simply snapped out of. And it’s been part of my life for years. So fuck off trying to make this about you. Not everything is about you. Do you get that? No. Because you’re blinded by the dark interior of your ASSHOLE.

If you think I wouldn’t snap out of it if I could, you’re a fucking idiot to boot. No, you’re right. You know what? You’re right. I LOVE feeling a panic attack coming on, trying to brace myself and ride it out AT WORK, only to have to make a calm but anxious dash to the bathroom so I can shake and sweat and silently rage until I vomit. Yes. Yes. I love it so much. I want to fuck it six ways to Sunday.

If you think I use this as some twisted form of manipulation, then you know absolutely nothing about me at all. And seriously, manipulating you into piling on the guilt? Oh yes, yes, please sir. I’ll have another HEAPING FUCKING HELPING OF GUILT, YOU PRICKWHISTLE.

IfΒ  you think I’m doing this for attention, you should know…attention is the last thing I want right in the middle of a panic attack. I’d love to have someone around. To just be present. Maybe even sit in the closet with me. Quietly. Maybe be there to hold my hand when I finally calm down enough to make eye contact. Maybe someone to tell me to stop apologizing for all the tears and snot.

Yeah, that would be nice.

That would beΒ  bliss.

Your guilt trips? You know what they do? They make them worse. So take them and shove them back up your crusty pisshole.

Second point I’d like to make is that I’m trying. I’m fighting. I am intellectually well aware that my psychological responses are off.

I’m well and truly aware that it is an understatement to say it’s abnormal to get home from work, check the mail, find a notice that I’m receiving my last issue of “Backpacker,” so you’d better renew your subscription now so you don’t miss out!, get inside, put my things down, and have a complete and utter meltdown.

Do I even need Backpacker anymore?

They’re gonna put rods and pins in my feet. Can I hike like that?

I can’t afford the 20 fucking dollars a year for a stupid fucking magazine.

You have bills to pay that are more important than articles on shit you can’t even do without breaking your bones, fatass.

Look at all this waste you accumulate.

Final notice for Backpacker! Final notice for The Sun! Final notice for Mother Jones!

Final fucking notice for you, motherfucker! FINAL FUCKING NOTICE FOR ME!

Why do I bother?

I wouldn’t even need to live vicariously through Backpacker, if I could at least start getting some fucking interviews in PNW. But noooooo. I have a piece of shit, cracked out recruiter who can barely remember my name and not enough endorsements on my LinkedIn.

LinkedIn. Facebook. Ladders. Glassdoor. Indeed.

OVERFUCKINGWHELMED DOT COM

And I still write shit cover letters.

JUST. FUCKING. DIE. ALREADY.

Where. Where. WHERE’S MY BLANKET!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It happens. Sometimes I can later identify a trigger; sometimes there’s no logical one to be found. Does that help, huh? Does that help you see? No, it doesn’t, because you still think I’m exaggerating. And if only I got a fucking hobby, I could quit all the meds cold turkey and be right as rain. Lemme just take one of the Oracle’s cookies while I’m at it. Bend some fucking spoons.

I don’t even give a shit if it does help you. I give a shit if it helps someone see. If it helps someone identify and better communicate with his or her suffering partner, family member or friend. I hope it helps shed light for those like me on just how intense this shit is. Look at it. Right there in black and white. And see how much it hurts not only ourselves, but our loved ones if we’re lucky enough to have any. Don’t push them away, not the ones who are genuine. There are way too many pricks out there to fill in the gaps. Cling to the keepers.

This kinda shit needs love. Patience. Endurance. Faith. Unconditional togetherness. Unity.

I am always open with my emotional and psychological struggles. If I begin a relationship, I make it plain that I am highly emotional, an empath and struggle with psychological abnormalities. I find people incredibly dismissive of it until they see it “in action,” so to speak. And then they flip and inevitably make it about themselves. Can we please, please stop this vicious cycle?

There’s more I wanted to say.

But I’m sleepy now.

And I have to pee.

For those of you suffering with me – fist bump. “Hang in there” and all that trite shit. Seriously. You aren’t alone. Even when you feel more alone than anyone else in the whole godforsaken world.

For those of you struggling to understand us – fist bump. Please don’t give up on those you love. And if you don’t really love them? Let them down easily. Gently. We break easily.

Goodnight

 

P.S. As a full disclaimer: This rant wasn’t directed at any one person. If you see yourself in it, I suggest taking a good hard look at yourself and working on some of your own struggles.

Peace out, homeslices and homeslicettes.

Not even editing. Just gonna let this bitch fly.

Rantphanie Out.

 

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110 thoughts on “Another Day, Another Panic Attack (Beware Rantphanie)

  1. For me the comfort of home was safety
    Everything else was panic
    For me what was familiar was comfort
    Outside the box
    Promoted fear
    I could deal with the fear
    If left to my own devices
    But when explaining the workings of those devices
    I would close the doors
    And no one could get in
    I believe all a long the most I feared
    Was the feelings themselves
    If you can express the panic
    Your not afraid of the feelings
    Stay focused Toasty
    You know where to find me
    As always Sheldon

    Liked by 4 people

  2. ha ha! love the disclaimer. Love your rant. I know it is frustrating but soemtimes just speaking your mind and telling people like it is is the best way to get something bordering on understanding through to some people. Hpe today is a better one πŸ™‚ x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are absolutely amazing Steph. I really didn’t want to like this post because it appears that I am buying into the paid and suffering and saying its okay but it is seriously not. I liked it because your writing is utterly compelling and amazing and I seriously cannot believe that there is no other outlet for you.
    You are truly a wonderful, witty, erudite, smart and cool person (as in Mike Coolperson from The Young Ones….)
    If people do not get you then get them out of your life. If you work do not understand then take it to HR. DO NOT sit there and suffer in silence. They have a duty of care and are more than likely to be part of the reason behind this.
    I would like you to start following a guy called JNCTHEDC – http://en.gravatar.com/jncthedc
    Now I know he is not a “Head Doc” but he really is one of the smartest, well read and most compassionate people I have ever met in my life so I wonder if he might offer some words of wisdom.
    I cannot, I can only say hang in there buddy, do not let the bastards grind you down, you are worth ten of anyone who says anything negative to you and your are going to get through this, you are simply working shit out. I am 48 and have only just started to turn the corner in my life so it can take time but I started VERY late because I was an asshole and a drinker and self pity parader. You however, you WILL get there I promise.
    Until then, I leave you with this…. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXYnmraZhJ0 if this doesn’t get your booty moving, NOTHING will…. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Haha! Cameron, you’re the best. I’m not giving up. But damn it’s a bitch sometimes. And it really gets under my skin when someone you dared to trust manipulates the situation when you’re at you’re most vulnerable. But I’m much more aware of shit like that now and less inclined to tolerate mind games. Still a struggle, because I want to believe in everyone. I want to trust everyone. I want to let everyone in. But I just can’t. Maybe I’ll find my closet buddy soon. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Man, Steph. May your mind give you some measure of peace. I really hope things become more manageable, and soon. You have so much in the pipeline right now, it’s no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed. I know there’s little I can do to help, but I’ll sit in that closet with ya, and send hugs, from my corner of this virtual world. Keep writing this shit out. It tends to help. You’ve got an ear and shoulder from over here, if needed. Sending positive vibes your way. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A closet buddy! I can’t believe you said that. I may or may not have shed a tear. And I thank you…so very much.

      I’m trying to tell myself the same…I’m trying to tackle so much at once that of course things I already struggle with have kicked into overdrive.

      Thank you…thank you πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re so welcome. Remember: breathe. Things will work out. You have a ton on your plate right now. Try to take it one thing at a time. If somebody doesn’t understand? Fuck em. If they aren’t helping they’re hindering. Last thing you need when overwhelmed is another problem. Ya know where to find me if ya need a good bitch session. Stay cool! 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Heh. Love that attitude, which is exactly the state of mind I’m trying to put myself in. Anything that hinders rather than helps can get the hell on. It’s just hard, because then I deal with guilt and worry instead. Ha! πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ah, guilt. Everybody’s long lost friend. At least, those of us cursed with self awareness and empathy. I bet you’ll find that, the older you get, a succinct “fuck off” will replace that guilt, little by little. Hang tough, my dear. Good things will come your way. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Boy, where to start. I have been suffering from panic attacks for over 20 years now. I take medication, that DOES help (SSRIs’ Prozac-y type medication) They’re not for everyone, and there can be a very frustrating, exhausting trial and error period with them. I was also prescribed sedatives, which I never took, but it was somehow comforting to have them around. I did all the self medicating too…especially drinking. Eons ago I used to smoke a lot of pot, but then POT started giving me panic/anxiety attacks.
    I also know all the things I’m supposed to do…exercise, cut down on caffeine, yoga, etc. In addition to this, I live in NYC which is a panic attacks wet-dream.

    Then we have all the people in our lives, and the “experts” who have what is essentially a “You need to get over that” philosophy. Um, kindly go fuck yourself with a jackhammer there Dr. Freud.

    I have been diagnosed with both “Anticipatory Anxiety” and “Generalized Anxiety Disorder”. This means I work myself up into having panic attacks by worrying about the possibility of having them…”I hope I don’t have a panic attack on the subway on my way to work…” Then, inevitably, I do.

    Find out what works for you. We live is an incredibly stressful world, and we are bombarded with upsetting images and info all day, every day. Then we deal with bosses, friends, family and acquaintances who have little to no compassion or understanding of our feeling like we’re having a stroke, a heart attack and an injection of amphetamines and LSD at the same time and out of the blue. My mom used to say that people have trouble relating to pain they haven’t experienced themselves. It’s true…much of the time anyway. This is a real medical condition coupled with the impossibility of life. I wish I had some magic advice for you, but there isn’t any. The natural things that many people suggest DO help. Try going for long walks and listening to music. Yoga if you can afford the classes. Find friends who understand what this is like and talk to them, but also don’t let it be the only topic of conversation…sometimes a good distraction can combat a panic attack wonderfully.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Excellent advice, and thank you for that and sharing hour experiences as well. It’s definitely not the only thing I want to talk about. In fact, aside from the blog, no one in my daily life knows anything about what I’m going through. My ex did. Anyone I developed keen trust with online knows. But that’s it. If it weren’t for you…this support system…id be up shit creek without a paddle.

      Seriously. Thank you.

      Like

  6. I’m sorry you’ve been struggling so much, Stephanie. Not to make this comment about me, but I can relate to how some people simply don’t understand and therefore treat us as if we’re “faking” it or come to the wrong assumption that we’re manipulating them or having panic attacks for attention. Sadly, some people not only don’t understand, but refuse to really try and help in a way that we know is best.

    You’re totally right about not pushing away the people that genuinely care and who try their hardest to help us. It can be hard dealing with anxiety and hard for someone to help us, but there are some people who do and who try their hardest to help us succeed and get better. There are people who will sit with us, talk to us, and help us in the most helpful way without making us feel guilty and it’s important that we appreciate them and thank them as much as we can.

    I wish you all the best and remember that you are strong and that you can get through this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so so much. Yes it’s so easy for us all to make it harder on each other. Seems to me gentle emotionally honest communication could solve the whole world’s problems. But not everyone is attuned. I wish you all the best as well – WE will get through this!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Those were excellent words. I wonder if my closet would pacify me? I’m usually too frozen to try. Moments of despair are so incredibly lonely and isolating. I can’t imagine why anyone thinks people can snap out of their mental health issues. Maybe those people should count their fucking blessings. Chin up and all that isn’t workin for me, but you know, pass it on. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! That’s a good point. They don’t understand because they’re lucky enough to not go through it. But so many don’t even try to understand or just dismiss it as something you can take a nap and wake up feeling all better forever.

      I’m so sorry we share these issues, Joey. It is exactly that…lonely and isolating. And it’s compounded by the chin up bullshit.

      Glad you’re here. ❀

      Like

  8. I can’t tell you fed up I get at the self help blogs and friends who have little understanding of severe mental illness. Would they tell someone with MS just to buck up and keep a positive attitude. I haven’t had panic attacks for a long time but they are very scary so I feel for you. No one seems to understand that this illness is as painful as any chemotherapy could be, so much so that you don’t want to live anymore. I always thought my clients were the bravest patients I had ever met, to keep carrying on with life despite side effects, terrifying voices and thoughts and very poor quality of life. I hope something gets better soon, Steph.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Kerry. So very much. It is indeed very scary, and in the midst of one you’d just rather be dead. There’s no way to sugarcoat that. It’s the harsh truth. And too many people either think it’s BS or they make it about themselves. Sick to death of both types, and especially the ones who claim to have all the answers at the bottom of their spinach smoothies and karma crystals.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I couldn’t help but laugh at the spinach smoothies! My feeling is that if you can still find some humor in life, all is not lost. I felt crappy yesterday but went out to volunteer. Gave $10 to a older man who had forgotten his wallet. His eyes teared up and he hugged me so hard. Small things make life bearable. (and doctors and medication…)

        Liked by 1 person

  9. This is nowhere near as severe as yours, but still frightening. When I coached my oldest son’s soccer team, I would have panic attacks before playoff games. Before his final game – ever – I was up all night, sweating and feeling like my heart was going to pop out of my chest. They lost the game, and I was a mess for a week afterward.

    Fast forward a year later. My son’s high school lacrosse team needed help on the coaching staff, and since I played in college and coached for 19 years previously, I accepted. No panic attacks yet, thank God, but I fear they are coming.

    Stay strong as you can be, but if you need the closet, by all means get there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Geez that is terrible and frightening. It feels like that, doesn’t it? The heart…trying to pop out of your chest. I hope you can dodge them this time. If not, maybe you’ll find a closet or something that works for you, too. πŸ™‚

      Like

  10. Sounds like you need some more supportive people around you. I honestly don’t even talk about my mental health issues with most people because they DON’T get it. That’s probably a mistake, but I just don’t feel like explaining my fucked-upedness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nope. I’m with you. Nobody at work knows I struggle. No wait. There’s one lady whom I’ve mildly hinted to because she caught me on the verge one day and I didn’t have the strength to bullshit her. Other than that I’ll only tell someone I’m trying to get close to. You know. If I’m in a relationship, it’s one of the first things I’ll mention just to fully disclose and say hey I get it if you don’t want to be part of something like this. And also as a way of me reaching out and explaining what I need. It’s certainly not all I talk about. Not even close. But it’s important, too.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I want to applaud you on the use of the closet as a method for calming down. It’s not an uncommon technique for aspis’ to use when experiencing over stimulation/sensory over load.
    Have you ever considered any testing along those lines? Many of the difficulties you talk about seem to fall into some very similar grooves to what Ive experienced… I.e., anxiety, panic for no explainable reason, immobility via depression, wacky psych doctors misdiagnosing and prescribing crap medications, etc.
    There area number of online quizzes that can help provide a clue and don’t require much effort or investigation. Should you find that you fall within the ADHD, aspi, autistic spectrum, you’ll stand a better chance of getting more appropriate meds and help.
    One last thing:
    None of this crap is your fault, it’s a condition; no one asks to go through this kind of pain.
    Anyone who peddles the concept of guilt in your direction needs to be told to fuck off.
    Much love, good luck and blessed be.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I got some majorly negative kickback on the closet thing from someone whom I thought I’d grown quite close with. I tried explaining that once it occurred to me to try it, it actually helped me calm down. Because, it’s exactly as you say, I felt I was in sensory overload. And I also felt that the space I was in was just..too…too wide open. And there were too many negative things I could do in that space. So I kind of boxed myself in, and there was an almost immediate comfort.

      It’s interesting that you mention aspis – I have taken a couple of online tests before. According to those, I am in the spectrum…but just ever ever so barely so.

      I think – before I land the next doc – I’m going to do more of the tests and assessments like I’ve done before – those and other psych screening forms….and actually print them out and take them with me. Because the woman I’m with now (still stuck with her) takes such shitty notes, she doesn’t remember from session to session what she has me diagnosed as. I believe at last count, she’s given me over a dozen diagnoses. I’ve been trying to keep up with the dx codes. Her office manager helps me, because the doc isn’t forthcoming. I also get them off the scrip sheets. THey keep changing.

      And thank you. So fucking much. Seriously. I need all the love and luck and blessings I can get…and I’m sending it your way, too.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you. The whole autistic,aspi ADHD spectrum isn’t well understood by a large group of therapists so if you seek help within that area make sure you get one who works in that field.
        One tell that you can look for is if you have Sensory integration issues. Over stim can occur from visual, sound and various sensations. For myself, I found that my anxiety/panic in public places was related to high frequency noises that most people can’t even perceive, i.e., sounds produced by fluorescent lights, fans, electronics, etc.
        when I put on a pair of noise reduction headphones, my over-stim completely evaporates.
        It’s typical that your friend couldn’t handle the concept of the closet. Here’s a link to a therapists version of a closet used for teaching sensory integration in kids that costs 17.8K. http://www.nationalautismresources.com/somatron-i-sensory-pod.html

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s fascinating stuff. I definitely get easily over-stimulated. At work, I can’t go to the little kitchenette when I hear lots of people in there – especially a little gathering of high-pitched hens. Or if my (tiny) office starts getting stuffed with people, my anxiety raises exponentially with each new person in the room. Heart starts pounding, I can feel myself getting redder/hotter. Looking around for a way out. And oh man, grocery stores and such are so fucking difficult for me.

        Noise reduction headphones are a great idea!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. For me, wearing them is the difference between night and day. You can still hear people talking, but the overtones and high frequencies are what get cut out; those are what blow my brain to bits.
        I can’t stand shopping in department stores, but as long as I put on the headphones I’ve learned how to even be pleasantly calm.
        If you think that sounds might play a part in contributing to your over stimulation I’d suggest buying or borrowing a pair and testing their effects.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I’ve noticed even wearing my noise-canceling earbuds – whether actually listening to music or not – helps TREMENDOUSLY when I’m in shops. I have to keep the volume relatively low if I do listen to anything, because I get paranoid that someone will startle me if I’m not aware enough of my surroundings. Heh. Oh the layers!

        Liked by 1 person

      1. What he gave me at first I had taken in the past but not with everything else and that was Lexapro and I fell asleep in a movie in December. I quickly got switched to Buspirone. It is mild and I do not feel as shaky

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m on Lexapro, and I’m not really sure how I’m doing with it since I haven’t made any great (lasting) strides regarding my mental health status. But I’m a work in progress. I’m glad you found something that works better for you.

        Like

      3. Well I take a bunch. I take Seroquel for sleep as it puts my brain out, with Diazepam, 3 meds for pain and cramping and the Buspirone is for the day. I haven’t had to work with it yet. The Lexapro had me wandering the street. Certain things should not be combined.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Yea we need a lot:) Yet we may flip out we are hardly going into a store and shooting it up, even if we say we are…LOL. Though I was considering all out war on At&t today

        Like

      5. Nah I have no gun. I do have plenty of other crap. I have me weighted vest which nobody including normal shots will get through. I also had to take me cutlery. So if uber douche fat boy who is probably monitoring this touches any of my stuff after my sister who has an open cps case open had her kids take shit out of my room. I mean seriously, she is an atty and she had her kids commit a crime while there is an open cps case. So she thought that is a good idea and the two of them are in the basement going through all the shit. I told her I took pictures of everything and I did and if anything is missing I will call the cops. But if the tool acts tough and knocks on my door this is my schematic. Upstairs right bathroom, left my room and forward her room. If he touches my door he cuts thrown the stairs…Fun will be had by all

        Like

      6. I stepped out to listen to the bs downstairs. It is amazing they are attorneys. My sister has a cps case open on her and she said in a text that she had the kid go into my room and take things that weren’t theirs…That’s real moty ish of her. I listened outside. The dickhead fat loser d bag she dates who caused all of this will deserve anything I give him. He said he has nitrous oxide and after the kids went to sleep, just did, they are going to pump it into my room, knock me out take what they want to get me to leave when she has already said ok you aren’t leaving I will weeks ago, then she took several of my things. Told her I knew she was in my room when she confessed telling her kids to commit a crime. I will tell the cps worker Monday. But I am supposedly getting knocked out soon. My friend gave me a deadbolt but forgot the key. She had 20 on a key ring. Bc they were up she did not go to the side of the house. The dog chose to be with me and she can go a good 10 hours without peeing if with me. but if I don’t get the keys I’m fucked. I also overheard him saying he has an epoxy that he is putting on everything I own in the basement including my microwave. Still think this is someone anyone would miss? He caused this shit. He is a fat delusional douche my sister would not have looked at 20 years ago. He had one day he was sitting on her. She said kick him out, he said she’s cheating on me. He said I ran her whole report and know what she has said and done and said you will never have a phone I won’t know your activity on ever. Then I love you, I hate you, go get the 16 dollars I spent on her tonight. Then he said hey thanks bla bla bla 10 days before Xmas and then bc he bought an Amazon Alexxa which allows you to spy it will match any wireless device on it and he has the account info, I SMFH. I am like really? He said he will spy on you forever, she felt touched by that. I said more like molested. As she does or does not know whether my mother telling her over and over and over again that my father did and caused him a nervous breakdown, she is fucked in the head and needs more than both you and I behind. Oh, earlier comment who you calling boy, boy was in Tarzan… I am starting to feel the headache. I do not think they can get in but now I have to stay awake, allow the dog out, get the keys, hope one works and then I am still wondering being I did do time period era posts this week if I should have come downstairs and asked can you speak up regarding that last part of gassing me, putting epoxy on everything I own and say shant you repeat that as this recording device may have been mistaken? May I have heard right that the protagonist of this story is being threatened, having his room broken into, use of both nitrous oxide and epoxy, did I get that all right champ? Then my friend called to say don’t go to sleep I left 20 fucking keys on your front lawn. I might get knocked out by gas. My eyes are getting blurred and I have not taken anything yet. My sister is good with movie lines. Like Jaws 3, The baby was found inside the park, the dead guy was found inside the park, the mother is inside the park dumbass. This cockstain was sitting on her 10 days before Xmas but bc he spent 2k on presents and got all of them laptpos as 8 year olds already have 3 tablets each, 2 ipods each, and an ipad each. So him saying all he did then said give me the money back and I will go to some bar and get laid. Yea the atrocious chick that was left at 3 AM and she does not see he started the cps case. That is her reason for not wanting me here. Because kids I routinely play outside with I was not there all chipper as they got dropped off as my sister routinely has 30 plus things in the sink to clean. I wrote and said I took pics of everything and will call the cops on you and him in front of the kids. Instead they are trying to knock me out. I put the ac on and it is helping.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. fist bumps my friend, nothing wrong with the comfort blanket, it worked for Linus for years…I never understood why everyone always wanted him to give it up…I see nothing wrong with comfort and with whatever it is that brings you some peace….want some nuts? I have a variety now and no longer anyone to share them with….coconut cashews, cocoa roast almonds and my favorite when I allow myself to indulge, dark chocolate covered almonds….I think they’d melt in the old sack though πŸ™‚
    peace and rants,
    K

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know – man, I tell you and Linus was the smartest of the bunch, man! And they wanted him to give his blanket up. Makes zero sense. Maybe that’s what made him the smartest…the awareness that he needed comfort and the balls to seek it regardless of what everyone thought. Speaking of Linus and his blanket….my hoodie has definitely been referred to as my Linus blanket. By me, I mean. Oh man. I hate summer when wearing the hoodie is pretty much unbearable down here. I suppose it’s therapeutic to be without it some.

      I want some dark chocolate almonds or cashews! Yummmmm.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Linus wasn’t afraid to say he needed it either, he was a strong little dude….still is I think, haven’t caught the latest movie….I had some chocolate almonds for you last night as a matter of fact…quite yummy….gotta eat them before they melt😊 peace and love my friend, and blankets, don’t forget the blankets😊K

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Wow, I feel like your post deserves more than just a “Like” from me but don’t know what to say. Other than thanks for sharing. I work in mental health and used to be married to someone who I’m sure could relate to your struggle so I have some idea how many people out there would take some comfort knowing that they’re not alone. Wishing you all the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so very much, Matt. This means a lot to me, sincerely. I know it helps when I encounter people who make me feel less alone. It would mean the world to me if even one person felt less alone from these words. Thank you, so much.

      Like

  14. Interesting list. Also that you still smoke and have attacks? I thought a while back you mentioned you quit with the creepy Carl post, in and around that time of posts. I am curious as to how long you have had the attacks. I am guessing that smoking less makes them worse and more is no picnic either? I could be fully wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. h so feel less like my mind didn’t decay dealing with shit here and you just throwing a one liner in your spank to rant post. Hmm, that makes me bring up 2 things, did your attacks get worse after and the you knew it was coming, do you get high? I would figure you would have less anxiety with either. My little sister actually told me I should start smoking and getting high as if I do not already have enough I get shit for…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m a fan of pot, in moderation. But I’m staying “clean” right now for upcoming job interviews/piss tests/etc.

        I get nervous having thinking about stacking too many downers, though the right pot could replace my sleep meds.

        Like

      3. Valerian Root will calm you down and you can take 5-10000 as long as you do a couple of day stay at home trial unless you go low try dose. It is at Vitamin World. I can’t see your VPN and I have a few here that have them and they forgot and I am like ppl are going to blow up your spot. One is lying and has reason. I am just not allowing him into my router. I got into my sisters and can change everything if I want. He actually called Fios and said someone dld a movie Apr 1 , when it was June 15 on a different isp and they taped the call. He tried to entrap me and entrapped himself as Verizon is considering closing all of his services

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Yea I never did in 15 years but this cockmunch called in downloads, foolishly he used optimum when we had fios and used fios april 1st when I did not get it until yhe 3rd. I am having issues with emails though.

        Like

      5. LOL, I may not be seen as I cloaked my ip but the toolbag spent 2.5 hours putting in a simple deadbolt. I am scared shitless as I have one that took 5 minutes but it is damaged and I am hoping my sister is gone tomorrow, so I can have it looked it and or get a new one. BC if I go to my dr and she was lying about leaving me here to squat, I have plans, I need me shit protected and her doorframe does not even have a wood frame, just drywall so I can pop it for fun as my sister told me via text that she had her kids, with an open cps case on to go in to my room and take things. B and E with toddlers via attorneys, can’t make this shit up:)

        Like

      6. I have been seeing many ppl not shot up at all in comments. Even though many show up obviously with VPN. I think I am in CA now. I have been bouncing as it effects my emails and yesterday effected movies but this tool won’t stop so I basically put a big FU and only for him for hours and he thought he was going to log into my router. Though I may be screwed tomorrow.

        Liked by 1 person

  15. Curiously, using your VPN, which do you use? Which DL server? I normally use PB and Extra torrent cc and since putting the VPN on nothing starts, I have to toggle off and on and change locations and have gotten a bit here and there. There has to be an easy VPN that I do not have and a site that marries up better. I also have to play around with wifi on and off for emailing on my phone s there are too many cells in the area and a few other annoyances. But I wanted to DL on the D low as well as post

    Like

  16. Keeping up with matters like bills, appointments, car repair fortifies me and know I have things in order and I try not to run away in my mind creating projected catastrophes that usually never materialize. I can be more serene knowing I am taking care of things and will deal with the rain of problems, well attend to them and bring closure. we may not like the closure but it is closed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is a much better approach to things. I do keep up with my bills and things fine (aside from student loans………), but I’m a pro at imagining catastrophes or putting off routine maintenance kind of things until they become problematic. I’m getting better, though. Bit by bit. πŸ™‚

      Like

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