A Whole Buncha Shit You Never Knew You Wanted To Know About Me (AKA The One Where You Find Out Just How Perverted I Am)

Today is a difficult day for me. Not because of the beasts within, but for a very specific and deeply personal reason. So, while it’s highly unusual for me (especially lately), I’m gonna do my second post of the day. This one is gonna be fun! I’m in need of fun diversion, and I think some of you will wanna do this fun little thing for yourselves, too!

Over at A Momma’s View, the lovely blogger issued a superfun list of 35 questions for her readers to answer. She also asks her readers to come up with a question of their own. So. I’ll do hers and add the ones her commenters asked, and I’ll try to come up with my own to add for you.

Let’s do this thang, chickenwang. ((That was really fucking lame, but it popped into my head so it stays.) (You’re welcome.))

~

1 – Boxer shorts or budgy smugglers? Bam. I can already tell these are gonna be my kinda questions! So. Chick. I don’t wear either. But if I’m gonna get to see a man’s underwear, I really hope they’re boxer briefs. Gray or black. Hm. But if he has dark skin, white ones look awesome. Hm, I bet white looks good on pale skin, too. You know what? Fuck the color, just make sure they’re snug. (What? Aren’t these Essay Questions? No? Piss off. They are so.)

2 – What color of underwear are you currently wearing? Black.

3 – How long have you been wearing them for? Let’s see, it’s 3:10 PM at this very moment. So I’ve been wearing them for 8 hours. Geez, why does that sound gross? It’s totally not!

4 – Do you ever use binoculars to watch people? No. But good idea! No, I take that back. My street is filled with old people and college kids. Wait. There’s the Lebanese guy a block down. Anybody have a pair of binoculars I can borrow? I need to find out his answer to the first question. (Look. I’m not a pervert, people. I’m a human. A fucking perverted one.)

5 – Have you ever kicked someone in the groin? Not no, but fuck no. No one has ever done anything to me that would come close to warranting that. At least not once I was old enough to consider retribution. Hell, I probably wouldn’t even now. Even if he or she deserved it. I just couldn’t be that cruel.

6 – Would you pull a trigger? No. No, I wouldn’t.

7 – If you met your favorite celebrity, and they wanted to make out with you, would you? No. Because making out leads to sex. And that ain’t happenin’ without an STD-free permit and exclusive relationship rights. Call me a prude. Don’t give a fuck. (Not without the STD-free permit, anyway!)

8 – Have you ever slept in the same bed with someone you were not in a relationship with (not talking about sex and one-night-stands)? Fuck no. Why the fuck would I be in bed with someone I didn’t want to have sex with? If you crawl into my bed, prepare for the fuckening. Unless you’re a chick. Then get out.

9 – Have you had one-night-stands? Not exactly.

10 – Does sex have the same importance to you now compared to when you were younger? Fuck. No. It matters a great deal more, now! And I’m single – what kind of bullshit is this, universe?! HUH? FUCK YOU. No. NO. No “fuck you.” If I’m not getting laid, neither are you! UNFUCK YOU!

11 – Have you ever eaten a worm? No. But I made my little sister eat one when we were kids. I felt like a god. It was awesome. And then I felt guilty, because I’m a softy. (Fuck off, I am, too.)

12 – What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever eaten? Bread. Nah, I’m kidding. Broccoli. Fucking broccoli. And mayonnaise. And cream cheese. And potted meat. And…I’m going to go puke now. Thanks a lot.

13 – How long do you spend sitting on the toilet? Uhhhhhh. I don’t like this question. Damnit. If I have a book or iPad with me (I know I know germs bleh), my ass will go numb. Good enough?

14 – What do you do when you sit there (besides the obvious)? Read or play games or pet my cat. (Not THAT “cat,” sickos. I don’t do that kind of petting on the toilet. One of the cats always follows me to the bathroom….)

15 – Have you ever been peed at? Yes, yes, I’ve been aggressively peed at by a legion of angry toddlers. It was like walking through a warm sprinkler. Ew. NO. I’ve never been peed at or on. WAIT. YES I HAVE. FROGGIES. FROGGIES HAVE PEED ON ME.

16 – What’s the grossest thing you have ever swallowed? This is a dangerous question. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna say cum. Piss. Piss with cigarette butts in it. Yeah, I’m not fucking kidding. I wish I was. Someone pissed in my soda can and put a cigarette out in it, because he thought I was done with it. Yeah. Fuck, I’m gonna hurl.

17 – What’s the constantly dirtiest place in your home? The kitchen. Ugh, I hate cleaning the kitchen.

18 – Why don’t you clean it? Because I fucking hate it. Dishes and shit. The oven. The sink. Ugh. I fucking hate it, that’s why!

19 – Do you eat your boogers? Fuck. No. But my sister used to. How do you think I knew I could easily convince her to eat worms? Nasty little shit. She was still sneaking them in her twenties. I bet she garnishes her dishes with them now.

20 – Can you describe the one smell that makes you gag? Human. KIDDING. Hmm. The one smell that makes me gag. Rotten milk or eggs. Yeah, that’s two things, but they both popped into mind as something guaranteed to make me gag.

21 – Have you ever had head lice? Yes. My sister brought them home, and we all got ’em. Fucking nasty. And she KEPT bringing them home until mom finally figured out exactly which friend they were coming from.

22 – Have you ever been utterly disappointed in someone? Yes. Yes, I have. And it’s a devastating feeling. To be utterly disappointed in someone, you have to have a high level of trust and expectations. And unfortunately, I’ve been disappointed many times in life.

23 – Have you ever been scared of someone? Yes. I’d have a real urge to piss my pants if he showed up even now.

24 – What do you do when you’re drunk that you wouldn’t want anyone to know about? Uhm. I’m honestly a pretty fun drunk. I just get silly and giggly. If I get too drunk, I run into shit. But that’s normal. Uhm. That I wouldn’t want anyone to know about? Does “get aroused” count? Not really. I think that’s pretty standard, too. I dunno! I’m fucking awesome when I’m drunk. I should probably drink more. (Kidding. I don’t drink often, and I plan to keep it that way.)

25 – Have you tried pole dancing? Not the kind you’re talking about.

26 – Have you been in a strip club? Nope. I’m not into window-shopping of any sort.

27 – Have you ever run over an animal? Yes. And I sobbed so fucking hard…every time…sometimes for days.

28 – Have you ever peed in snow? No! Bucket list!

29 – Have you ever made fun of someone and then regretted it? You bet your sweet ass I have. I regret it still. It’s shameful. Shameful.

30 – What’s your favorite kind of question on Cards for Humanity (if you know the game)? Uhm. Sex ones. DUH. Anybody wanna play?

31 – If the father of your best friend hit on you, what would you say to him? I have a specific man in mind, and my usual timid self would be out the window. I would strongly tell that bastard to fuck right off, stop breathing my air, and I hope your dick falls off.

32 – Would you go out on a date with someone half your age or double your age? No. Half my age would be 17. I have no interest in boys. Twice my age would be 70. I have no interest in changing diapers.

33 – Do you clean the sink after brushing your teeth? Isn’t that what toothpaste is for? Kidding. I don’t. I’m a fucking slob, okay? Sometimes.

34 – Have you ever spat in someone’s food or drink? No.

35 – Have you ever kissed someone only to be grossed out afterwards? Oh god, yes. Patrick, you sleaze.

36 – What is your number one goal in life, and are you living it? Contentment. Yes. I think that’s what it all boils down to. Contentment. And no. I’m not. But I’m striving for it.

37 – Do you spy on your neighbor(s)? If yes, why? No. I don’t give a fuck about their lives. Does that make me an asshole? Perhaps. But it also makes me NOT A CREEPY SPY! So there!

38 – Have you ever danced and/or cried in the rain? I know I’ve cried in the rain. I think I danced in the rain, but I could have dreamt it. Do you have “memories” like that? Where you aren’t sure it ever happened? And maybe it was just a dream? Yeah.

39 – Have you ever ditched work to just chill out on your own (with or without Netflix)? Fuck yes.

40 – And this one is from me: What do you wish you were doing right now (anything goes)? I wish I were sitting cross-legged in a mountain-rimmed meadow, laughing and talking and wishing and sharing and getting righteously baked with a companion. Maybe some guitar playing. Maybe sex under the stars. But mostly a boatload of giggles and exchanges of ideas.

~

There you have it. Wanna play?

 

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137 thoughts on “A Whole Buncha Shit You Never Knew You Wanted To Know About Me (AKA The One Where You Find Out Just How Perverted I Am)

  1. One-night stands… Not exactly. Is that like almost pregnant?

    Sorry I’ve been remiss, but the health gods forced a surgeon to slice my belly open, and blogging is less easy when you’re in a hospital bed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Heh. Leave it to you to hone in on THAT answer! Yes, “not exactly.” I’ve been a good girl. Mostly. πŸ˜‰

      And no apologies! I had no idea about your surgery. You have a better reason than I have had to be absent! I sure as hell hope you’re alright!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Well clearly I’m on the same damn track. I just need to find some poor bastard to get on it with me.

        And GOOD. I’m glad you’re recovering and will be okay. Clearly I need to pay better attention.

        Like

  2. OK. I bought a new batch of tidy-whiteys and they were supposed to be the exact size I bought last time. But, these new ones are fitting too tight. I mean they are upsetting the manufacturing process! SO, I just matched up the new and old. Sure enough, the new ones are just a bit smaller. It’s like opening up a box a cookies and finding, yep, smaller again! The cookies, I mean!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Heh, cleaning out the sink of toothpaste, I brush my teeth in the shower so I don’t even have to open the tap, because it’s already on and cleaning the rest of your body. Most call it lazy, I prefer to call it efficient showering.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. That was fantastic! I nearly pissed myself on more than one occasion…but your sister answers were awesome! Garnish her plates with them? That nearly made me gag! And you’ve never peed in the snow?!? Writing your name in it is a dude right of passage or something. Difficult without a penis though I suppose. πŸ˜ƒ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah. She made me gag a lot, too. I wonder how much furniture is still out there in the world, encrusted with her boogers.

      And thank you! I’m glad I made you almost piss yourself!

      And yes, lots of things are difficult without a penis. Dancing like Michael Jackson just isn’t the same without one…eeee hee.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh man on #38, the dream/memory thing, I absolutely have had that happen! It wasn’t until recently that I realized a very, very vivid memory I have had through almost my entire life (seriously, it’s an early childhood memory) never actually happened, ever. Never even came close. God that’s so alarming.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Kiddo, you make me so damned happy. I would gladly cop a squat in a meadow and get backed with ya. Might need a change of pants in case I get peed at. Lmfao.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Sweet dreams O’Funny One. Gotta get the beauty rest (well the let’s try not to look exhumed in the morning rest) cause this old bird needs it. Love ya -Stephellaneously So

        Liked by 1 person

      1. He’s addictive. I always say he’s the voice inside me that no one gets to hear. I feel like I go on his rants at least once a day about stupid shit!! Lol!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. 1. Commando.
    2. See above.
    3. See #2.
    4. No.
    5. Yes.
    6. Yes.
    7. No.
    8. Of course. What? You’ve never had a sleepover?
    9. Not really.
    10. Not really.
    11. I’m a vegetarian.
    12. I don’t eat gross things.
    13. Depends whether or not I fall asleep there.
    14. See #13.
    15. At? Different than ON, yes? Please explain.
    16. See #12.
    17. I have no idea. Hubs could tell you.
    18. Why would I? My husband cleans.
    19. No.
    20. Just one?
    21. Yes.
    22. Yes.
    23. Yes.
    24. I don’t get drunk.
    25. No.
    26. No.
    27. Unfortunately, yes.
    28. No.
    29. Yes.
    30. I’ve never played.
    31. Um, kinda impossible. He’s dead.
    32. No. And no.
    33. No.
    34. No.
    35. No.
    36. To make a difference. And yes, every day.
    37. Not exactly. It’s all screaming, all the time, with the ones across the street though. Kinda hard to to not know their business, since they broadcast it for the whole fucking neighborhood.
    38. Yes, both.
    39. No need to. I’m self employed.
    40. Not answering any more questions.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha! Yay! Love the answers….and I don’t know about #15. That’s why I answered it both ways. But peed “at” made me laugh so hard.

      And #8 – I slept on the floor when I stayed over places.

      Like

      1. I do believe that’s the closest I’ve ever come on the blog to talking about my uhm. You know. Uhm. That kinda thing outright. πŸ˜€

        I will say I’ve ALLLLLMOST reached the point in life to where I’m done with being the good girl.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It’s your choice how you want to live your life. But don’t deny who you are because of what other people will think. They can go fuck themselves with a rusty tire iron. I think you’re amazing and I wish you moved to California so we could be friends.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Jess, thank you. You’re fucking awesome, and that means a lot to me.

        The only reason I still haven’t given in to the urges to kick the good girl is that I fear regret or supreme emotional upheaval. But sometimes, DAMNIT. I mean, girl…I’m ready to get a badass undercut on my hair, get a couple more piercings and just fucking let loose. I never have. And I’m starting to wonder if I really want to keep it that way.

        And hey! Oregon isn’t too far from Cali…. πŸ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m at the age (hitting a milestone b-day shortly) where half my age is super hot and twice my age is dead.

    The first part of that made me smile…the latter half depressed me.

    I guess that’s the definition of “middle age” ??? (sobs quietly into elbow)

    Like

  8. If you have been around as long as I have which is 62 yrs
    I there hasn’t been much I haven’t seen or haven’t done
    It’s a well rounded individual
    Who can write about the hunger for life ,if you…….
    these are pretty lite weight questions
    Boogers are the spice of life
    And piss is wash that liquor will give
    When you’ve had one too many
    Come on toasty
    You’ve got to have a story
    In order to tell one
    The Sheldon Perspective

    Liked by 2 people

  9. That’s it! This is the LAST time I read one of your posts while drinking or eating something! Never fails….I snort laugh and spew shit from my mouth because you’re so fucking funny! Lesson learned Lennon….Steph, keep this shit up because it’s obvious we adore you’re crazy antics! XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

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