Stuff I Think Is Bullshit (Because It Is)

I love lots of things, really I do. Flowers and bumblebees and the color of carrots and precocious kids and witty adults and mountains and cheese puffs. But this post isn’t about things I like.

This post is about bullshit. “But Stephanie,” your innocent minds inquire, “why do you think it’s bullshit?” Because it is, children. Because it is. So grab your blankies and your juiceboxes and gather round for Ms. Stephanie’s Lullabies of Bullshit.

~

People who scratch their nuts in public. They really get down, don’t they? I mean, they really get in there. And look, I don’t discriminate. People who scratch their nuts in public are bullshit; I don’t care if they’re man or woman. The people, not the nuts. Henuts, Shenuts, I don’t care. If you’re scratching your nuts in public, you’re bullshit. Seriously. You look me in the eyes, scratch your nuts, reach out to shake my hand with that shiteating grin, and you really expect me not to call stranger danger on that one? I don’t know where the fuck your henuts or shenuts have been – I don’t want the slimy residue of those sweaty fuckers on my hand (or anywhere else for that matter). It’s bullshit. Keep your nut shenanigans to yourselves, please.

People who attempt to master the art of conversation…while you’re taking a piss. Seriously, Potty Paula, you’ve never spoken to me a day in your life. Why the fuck do you think I want to have a conversation with you about this year’s crop of turnip greens…while urine trickles out of my body? It’s bullshit. Shut the fuck up.

Mammograms. People, people, people. Listen. We can print entire legs. Print them. On printers. But we can’t identify breast cancer without pancaking our boobs in Satan’s fist? You know what that is? Say it with me, boys and girls: It’s bullshit!

Parents with fat kids. You’ll notice I’m not talking about fat kids. I’m talking about the parents of fat kids. The ones that are fat from eating. Yeah. Those. I don’t give a fuck about fat adults. I rank among them. But I do give a fuck about fat kids. I was a fat kid. I know what that shit felt like. I know what it’s like to be bullied or invisible. And you know what? Most of you parents with fat kids are also fat, so you know what it’s like, too. I don’t give the asses of all the rats how many ho-hos and dingdongs you smoosh down your gullet. Stop setting your kids up for a lifetime of struggles, you abusive pieces of shit. Yeah, that’s right. I’m looking at you, little sister. I’ve seen the pictures of my nephew. And you know what I think? You’re bullshit.

People who say chemicals are dangerous. Dude, your fucking FACE is a chemical. (Fine, a mass of chemicals. Semantics.) You’re bullshit. That is all.

Microaggressions. Fucking seriously? Are you fucking shitting me right now? I’m so sick of hearing and reading about microaggressions. You’re either the victim of aggression (active or passive), or you’re not. The only thing I wanna read about being micro- is a microwave or microbiology. Microaggressions are bullshit.

Meta. Oh my god, Becky. Her analysis. Of her own ass. Is like. So. Meta. Please fuck off with this meta shit. It’s bullshit.

People who say shit like, “I’m not racist, but…” We all know what you’re really saying is, “I’m not racist, but I’m about to say something so fucking racist you’ll think I invented racism.” Yeah. So next time you say, “I’m not racist, but I think all niggers should be in prison”? I swear to fuck I heard the second part, and you’re not even bullshit, Archie. You’re the festering maggot sputum drizzling down the top of the pile of bullshit. Yeah.

Having to upload a resume and filling out an application with the exact same fucking information. Guess what that is? Complete and utter bullshit. Do you want me to show you how good I am at copying down shit from my resume? Verfuckingbatim? Kudos to you, then. Look how good of a copier I am. Do I get a gold fucking star? You douchecanoes.

Parents who let their spawn play on xbox live chat. Listen up, thundercunt. When your precious angel calls me a fat whore when I whoop his ass, don’t get your granny panties in a wad when I call little Billy a nob swallowing penis wrinkle. It’s bullshit. Demote that little fucker back down to Candyland until he can learn how to respect his fucking gamer elders. The little prick.

Deconstructed coffee. Are you shitting me right now? I don’t even drink coffee, and I’m offended at this insult to coffee. If I want a cup of coffee, I don’t want three fucking glasses. One with hot water, one with milk or cream, and one with liquefied coffee beans. “It’s so you can make it how you want it!” Oh please. That’s why people go to Starbucks and order their Venti Grande Shorto Hot Iced Decaf Skinny Caramel Macchiatos with Extra Whip and two shots of Espresso. Fuck your deconstructed coffee and do your jobs, you bullshit hipster twatnozzles.

melbourne-reaches-peak-hipster-with-deconstructed-coffee-805x426
This is not coffee.

There. I feel better. Do you have anything to add? Pile on the bullshit, Peopleaneous. I’ve got extra shovels.

146 thoughts on “Stuff I Think Is Bullshit (Because It Is)”

  3. Deconstructed bullshit
    Better know as cow patties
    Sweet potato fries
    give me a break
    That’s why God gave us potatoes
    How about egg whites
    Scramble eggs
    On a fried egg sandwich
    Or going out to breakfast
    And a roach crawls across the table,I kid you not
    Green jello
    Can fruit
    I think I’ve had my fill
    The Sheldon Perspective

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. Ewwwwwww good list! But I do love sweet potato fries (took me ages to be willing to try them). They’re so sweet, it’s like having dessert. I’ll eat scrammies, too. But I can only tolerate eggs so often.

      The rest ewwwww. I shuddered!

      Like

      Reply

  4. Pop radio is bullshit! Watching a light turn green, then red then green, then red before I get through said light is bullshit. Politics is bullshit. Threats of arrest for smoking a joint is bullshit. Paying $5 for a cup of coffee is bullshit. I don’t even know what the fuck deconstructed coffee is, but if it fucks with the liquid gold that is coffee then it’s definitely bullshit. I could go on, but I won’t.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. What is the damn deal with those pansyass traffic lights? I’m not fucking around at the light – I watch and wait and go as soon as it turns green. There’s NO REASON it should turn read over my head!

      I love your list!!! šŸ˜€

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

  6. Now I don’t want to be added into your list of things that are bullshit, but I need to ask a really stupid question (please don’t hit me!): what is meta?!

    But yes to everything else you listed! šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Noooo, asking questions would never be on my list of bullshit! (Wait. Never is a strong word. Asking the same question over and over and over and over again would definitely be on my list. Ha!) Here’s the urban dictionary explanation of meta (which is basically my understanding of it!):

      A term, especially in art, used to characterize something that is characteristically self-referential.

      “So I just saw this film about these people making a movie, and the movie they were making was about the film industry…”
      “Dude, that’s so meta. Stop before my brain explodes.”

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  7. My God. Deconstructed coffee? What fresh hell is this?!? Do your fucking job. If I want to make my own coffee, I’ll stay home. WHERE I CAN SCRATCH MY SHENUTS and TALK TO MY PETS WHILE I PEE.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. HAHAHA JOEY! You made me laugh out loud at the office!

      I just heard of deconstructed coffee – had to see articles and pictures to believe that it was actually a thing. I couldn’t believe how irate I got over it. šŸ˜€

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

    1. HA! I get ranty as hell, but for the most part I keep my mouth shut in person. This is my outlet, so you poor people have to listen to my internal filth.

      And who knows about meta. For a while I thought I understood it, but now it’s one of those things that so many people toss around that you can tell they’ve adopted it without having a meaning. I mean, that episode of (insert reality show here) was like soooo meta. Oh. Em. Gee. šŸ˜€

      Like

      Reply

  10. Hahaha! This is great… I have SO much that is BS, that I could add. But it would make a whole list probably. So I’ll settle for the most annoying thing in (my) everyday life: People on the subway. Seriously, they’re all kinds of BS! šŸ˜‚ Like the old lady who has to sit next to you (and asks you to please remove your bag from that seat) when there are plenty of other (empty) seats around. Or the jock douche bag who swings his backpack around in a crowded train, like it’s a baseball bat, and doesn’t care if he knocks out me, a child and an elderly person… šŸ™‚ You get the picture. It is complete BS to ride the subway! šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Ohhhh that’s an awesome perspective. The only public transport down here (at least where I am) is a city bus, which has very limited routes. So the only time I’ve ridden a subway/metro was in Paris. It was novel to me and a great way to people watch and observe culture. I didn’t really settle in to think about what it would be like if that was my daily routine. The jostling and barely contained hostility in that environment would likely grow old fast. Blergh.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  11. As I sit here drinking my homemade dunkin donuts coffee black minus the donuts I haven’t touched in months, I laugh my ass off, wishing to send the awesome nutsack award, not scratched, just fresh big sterile nutsacks filled with chipotle roasted cashews and macadamias…..thanks for the morning laugh…now I’ve got to run to the potty…where I don’t even chat on the iPad in there….you never know who can see you…..šŸ˜¬ Peace and awesomeness. Kim

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. HAHA! Kim! Oh shit. I actually never thought of that. I feel so stupid now. I go so far as to cover the built-in cam on my laptop with a thick layer of sticky notes. But it has never once occurred to me to do the same with my phone or iPad. OHDEARGOD WHAT HORRORS HAVE I EXPOSED.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      1. If guess you’ll just have to do a YouTube search for crazy bathroom moments of the unawarešŸ˜Š haha…..id never peek, that’s icky…..all in good fun, but read that it’s possible so no iPad on the can for mešŸ˜Š

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ohhhhmygosh. It’s absolutely possible. If it’s connected to the internet, someone could access it if they were so inclined. Scary shit. (Pun not originally intended…) šŸ˜€

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Hehehe thank you! Mammograms were on my mind because I’ve never had one, but I need to have one like pronto. And I’ve heard so many terrible tales of tears and woe that I’m dreading it more than a root canal. These puppies are sensitive!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  14. Like macadamia nuts? That’s very strange! Yeah, the whole discussion that occurs at the urinal is weird. Sometimes I feel so strongly about a subject, that I’m compelled to turn and face the person. That could be bad if I hadn’t finished peeing.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Ohhhhh I NEVER thought about what it’s like at a urinal…where you can actually see each other! Holy hell no. I vote for turning next time. Just turn and join in the conversation while calmly peeing all over the dude’s pants.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      5. Yes, or like children’s sports – everyone gets a medal. In this case, well, it wouldn’t be a ribbon or medal. But it would cause them pause to talk to me after I had several beers at the bar.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. I hope it IS. So you can remember this conversation and pee all over those peetalkers. Seriously. Your business is in your hand, and they’re just talking away. Ewwww. Spray ’em.

        Liked by 1 person

      18. You know, I was thinking (which never ever leads to weird, uncomfortable ideas). And I recall from hiking lit that there are devices that allow a woman to pee while standing. Some weird cup/hose thing. I so wish I had a hose right now, though it’s probably a really damn good thing I don’t. I’d lose my job today.

        Liked by 1 person

      35. OK, fully converted now! Attack! Um, I think that I’ve just shouted that out in my office in my Optimus Prime voice, while hula hooping my co-worker. Is that bad?

        Liked by 1 person

  15. Yes to all of this, especially Satan’s fist, also Satan’s frozen claws, you know the ones. They call the collection tools a “speculum,” (well la ti dah aren’t we fancy with the medical sterilization of Satan’s torture chamber toy names) and “spatula” (are we COOKING?!), or worse, a BRUSH! When my wife comes home from the doctor and I can’t touch her, not even a gentle hug, because she’s sore because the doctor assaulted her EVERYWHERE, it’s bullshit. Surely there is better medical technology than these medievalisms. I dread the grimly anticipated violation of my backside as well. That’s where things are supposed to come out, NOT go in. But that’s not bullshit, that’s just shit.

    I watched a news person on the morning news programme cough into their right fist and then immediately extend said germ-infested sausagemitt to shake hands with a guest. And the guest SHOOK it!! Ewwww. If anyone does that to me I’ll politely decline. I shake hands, not petri dishes. Pathogens are bullshit.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Oh shit. Satan’s frozen claws. I cry every single time. Not making a sound, just tears streaming down. And the trembling. Yeah. I have huge anxiety going. Damnit. I’M NOT DOING IT THIS YEAR, AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME. It’s such complete bullshit, and I always feel violated. Especially when they come in, don’t even bother to speak. Just mumble something to the nurse. Violate you. Throw Satan’s claws back on the tray. And walk out. NEXT! Yeah.

      And ewwww pathogens ARE bullshit. (Even though that made me laugh.) šŸ˜€

      Like

      Reply

  17. I learned so many new insults today.

    Also, FUCK, I have a bathroom talker in my office. Like, a greeting when I’m at the sink washing my hands is acceptable (not needed, but acceptable). But, like, don’t tell me about your day while I can hear your pee hitting the toilet water. Just… really. Can we not?

    Sorry, though. I am all about the meta.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. UGGHHHHH bathroom talkers! So many damn times today. But I’m the rude one for not replying unless we’re both OUTSIDE of a stall.

      Meta. Grrr. To be fair, I only remembered that one pisses me off while I was thinking about microaggressions. Next up, metaggressions!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      2. “metaggressions” is brilliant. When it catches on, 1) psychobabblebullshitdoctors will begin calling depression and all forms of self-harm “metaggression,” and 2) you better get a cut. Copyright that shit.

        Liked by 1 person

  18. Great post especially about the suffering of overweight kids. They are hurting . Gotta face that bukkdhit head on!

    Like

    Reply

    1. Thank you – and yeah, it breaks my heart and angers me so much every time I see it. And finding out my sister is raising her kids that way makes me fucking livid. It’s a good thing for her that she doesn’t live anywhere near me. There was a day I would have kept my thoughts to myself. But that? Now? I’d say something and fast.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  19. Can I add to your wonderful list…colleagues that ask how you are doing when they aren’t interested in hearing the answer if it’s anything other than the standard ‘okay thanks’. In fact they probably can’t remember your name they just want you to do something for them, but instead of getting to the point we must go through the small talk bullshit!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Oh wow, I JUST had this conversation today at work! Yes, I completely agree with you! Dude says, “Mornin’ Stephanie, how are you?” And I said, “Tired as hell; how are YOU?” He actually thanked me for being honest. šŸ˜€

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  20. Fuck me Steph, you would so get on with my friend Emma. She hates SO much shit and gets SO wound up by things I reckon the pair of you could keep each other amused for fucking hours.
    I am so lucky that I have almost reached the age where nothing bothers me. When I say nothing I mean not much. When I say not much I still fucking HATE everyone unless I know and like them because if you are not in my universe then you can fuck off.
    Just sayin’ lke….

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Hahaha! Uhuh, you aren’t fooling me, buddy! I’m a pretty chill dudette, but some stuff riles me up good. I just usually stay mum about it…except here. šŸ˜‰

      And now I wanna meet you AND Emma! (Beautiful name, that.)

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      9. Go for it!
        Help yourself.
        Enjoy it.
        If you ask someone of you can have the last over piece of cake and they no longer want any, they may say “Fill your boots” by way of stating just that fact.
        If you ask someone if you might come over to their house and use it as a base to explore the local countryside, again you might reply the same.
        Different times different meanings but always mainly “Help Yourself”!!

        Liked by 1 person

      10. Cameron, that was perfect! Thank you!

        And speaking of exploring – you’re setting off tomorrow yeah? (Which means I hope you’re resting now instead of answering me, actually!)

        Liked by 1 person

  24. Bathroom chatter: OK, I work in HR, and you would not BELIEVE how many people expect you to explain why their dental insurance didn’t cover their gum tattoos WHILE I AM IN THE CAN praying they can’t smell the asparagus. Well, actually, sniff away, you sorta set yourself up for that one.

    As a former fat kid, though…I think any interference from my parents wouldn’t have helped. I’d have snuck food, eaten MORE, and felt worse about myself. So. I get that not everyone has the food issues I do, but I’ve found the best support is to cheer me on when I announce I lost a couple pounds, and then say NOTHING when I inhale a pizza. (I have no clue how normal people respond though.) LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    1. Asparagus pee! HA! Ugh and why do people want WORK conversations in there? Fuckin’ hell. Sometimes – okay, I confess – sometimes I go in there and hang out in the stall for a few minutes doing NOTHING but playing on my phone. Just to get away from…you guess it – WORK!

      And you bring an interesting perspective to the fat kid problem. I was referring specifically to parents who are actively MAKING their kids fat. I know there are some children who are heavy for a variety of health reasons. But I never thought about those who are sneaking food and have food addictions. That’s a whole different “ballgame” altogether. I was a fat kid…it’s because we were poor as hell and couldn’t afford better nutrition. Poverty coupled with a single working mother’s schedule was a recipe for disaster. It’s so hard to undo a lifetime of poor nutritional choices and no proper nutrition education. Bleh.

      I love the new perspective you brought – thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      1. Thank God it’s your phone. I don’t want to know about anything else that goes on in there. Don’t talk to me while I’m in the bathroom. Pretend I’m not here, and while you’re at it, pretend you’re not here either and this is a game of hide and don’t seek.

        And yes, kind of sad that a salad costs 2x as much as two burgers, or more. Sometimes I want the salad, and I already can’t afford that, but sometimes, I want the burgers. But I only go out once in a blue moon. But if I had a cotton candy machine… (life goals) I’m keen for fattening foods, but I can’t afford that so I eat crappy pbj sandwiches, or beans and rice (2x this week) in place of the “$6” (that really cost $8-$10) Burgers, fried chicken and waffles, or steaks, that I really want. Next week it’s probably those damned ramen noodles I’m still sick of eating because i have to. If I didn’t HAVE to I would like them more.

        I won’t ever eat asparagus again. I ate that a few times, and in the immortal words of Cleveland Brown, “That’s NASTY.”

        Liked by 1 person

      2. HAHA! Damn, I didn’t even realize how close I got to being dirty. That’s a shame, but I’m glad you pointed it out. šŸ˜€

        You sound like me with food lately. I get so fucking sick of people criticizing my lunch at work. Some days I skip lunch altogether, because I don’t want to hear how much sodium is in a cup of ramen ONE MORE FUCKING TIME. I KNOW how much sodium is in it. But it costs twenty-six fucking cents. TWENTY-SIX CENTS. Peanut butter sammies, ramen noodles..mmm beans and rice would be a nice change. Sometimes I just cook some rice, stir a little soy sauce in and call it a meal. It’s cheap. Really fucking cheap.

        I would consider killing for grilled swordfish on a bed of ratatouille with whatever the hell sauce that was drizzled over the top that time I had it in San Fran. Fuck. It may be worth life in prison.

        I’ve never actually had asparagus – but…would you believe basil does that to me? I have basil pee…

        Like

      3. that’s interesting, never heard of basil pee before. If they want to critique your lunch, maybe they’re buying Monday’s? The media are attention whores, they tell you everything’s bad for you. Don’t eat cheese, don’t drink milk, don’t drink coffee, don’t eat eggs, don’t eat. Anything. At all. Or you might die!!! See why, tonight at 11. And then next week they tell you a scientific study that says whatever shit it was last week that was bad, is good for you today. Tune in tomorrow for why it’s bad again!! How did my grandparents live into their 90s and my parents are in their 70s, eating all that shit that’s going to kill us all before our time?!? They want us living in fear, or guilt. Fuck that, if I can afford it and I want it, I’m eating it.

        Rice and soy sauce is also one of my go-tos. I dress that up with a pat of butter. And then watch cooking videos and shows to show me what I’m missing out on.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. It’s so fucking weird. I have no idea what’s up with the basil. I thought maybe I had an allergy to pine nuts or something. Every time I would have basil pesto, it was just awful. (Man, I miss basil pesto.) But then I noticed it happening with spaghetti, lasagna, or anything with basil in it. It’s gotta be the basil..right? I don’t really know for sure. But ew.

        Hahaha aw man, the cooking videos are torture! Why do that to yourself?! And I can’t believe I found another rice-soy person. It’s cheap and tasty. Sometimes I dump some green peas in there. Mm. I think I just planned supper. HA. Fuck.

        Also. Fuck the media.

        Like

  25. This was brilliant! You are so hilarious- thanks for cheering me up with this one. I would have to agree about mammograms- I nearly fainted from the excruciating pain. There is so much BS in this world, I wouldn’t even know where to begin…

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Lay it on me!