Butt Stuff

Well, it’s B-Day. As in Butt Day or Day of the Butt. Take your pick. I think I like Day of the Butt best.

I said butt

The countdown has begun. I start taking butt drugs in about twenty minutes. Seems weird to me to start prep in mid-afternoon, but I confirmed with doctor’s office yesterday and the surgical facility today. So I’ll go by the sheet of instructions I received.

Step 1: Take FOUR of these bad boys at 3:00 PM:

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FYI the dose is ONE tablet. I’ll be taking four. I asked the pharmacist if I could return the rest. (I’m serious. It was a joke, but I really did ask.) She refused. Hmph.

Step 2: Beginning at 4:00 PM, I have to drink 8 oz. of buttjuice every half hour until 1/4 of the jug remains.

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It’s full of salts, if you can read the label. Mmmmmmmm, 4 liters of saltwater.

They said I could add Crystal Light lemonade to it, so now it looks like a jug of urine.

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I’ve decided that instead of 8 oz. increments, I’m going to do 10 oz. That way my last dose will be at 8:30 PM instead of 10:00 PM. I figure very few people measure this to the exact ounce, so I should be okay with my plan. Then I have to drink the remaining THIRTY OUNCES ALL AT ONCE at 3 fucking AM.

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Step 3:

shitting my brains out

I hope I’m able to get some sleep tonight. I have to get up at 3:00 AM to drink the last of four liters of that vile liquid fire. Then I have to be at the hospital at 5:00 AM. I hope they don’t make me wait too long. I know he has four people scheduled, but I don’t know where I am in that list.

I’m not actually stressed or worried. Honestly, I’m eager to get some answers. But that doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to my immediate future. I’m just thankful that my perspective is positive – it’s keeping me from being crippled with fear and embarrassment. Somehow, I don’t feel those things at all. It’s an absolutely shocking state of mind to me, but I’m loving the absence of worry.

I have a whole lot of life left that I intend to live as fully as possible. Things like the PNW and other assorted adventures that await require me to look after my health (which I haven’t been doing at all). So this test will give me some answers as to how best to do so going forth.

Speaking of going forth…good day, Peopleaneous!

38 thoughts on “Butt Stuff”

  1. Have you set a blast radius? I mean, the safety of others is a concern, I hope. 😉
    Good luck, I hope everything comes out okay…
    …er, I was referring to the surgery, but it seems applicable on the other end..
    oh frick, pardon the puns, please!

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      1. Well damnit, you ruined the chance of a sneak attack by publishing this post!

        I really do hope everything goes well for you! ❤

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  3. Hope all turns out well (even that sounds like it’s a bad reference to your situation!) ‘Butt’ seriously, hope it’s not too uncomfortable etc and you get the answers, treatment and erm… relief you want. (It’s impossible to not find a link, sorry.) Much love, ‘you’ll be reet’ as we say in Yorkshire! 😊

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  6. Oh mercy. Initially I thought you were going to tell me it was some sorta National Tuchus Day or somethin. Then I remembered.
    I bet you’re gonna look a lot better than that guy there. I bet you’ll feel like his kindred spirit by midnight, but I bet you’ll look better. Good luck. (Did ya buy the soft moist tushie wipes? I hope you did.)

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  8. Lacking the verbosity , cleverness and humor of your friends … I still want to say something … nah .. better not …
    Ok , I will use your own words then (how’s that for laziness ??) – in case of doubt just read your last paragraph ( no, not last ..the one before that one – we do have a word “penúltimo” in Port.) 🙂
    Turtle Hugs

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    1. Hahaha! That was suave! And thank you…wouldn’t that be something if whatever it is has already healed? I’ve felt fine over the last couple days (uhm aside from right now). So that would be pretty epic!

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  12. Hopped online JUST to say good luck to you. Hope the day wasn’t too ridiculously shitty…get it?! Just keep reminding yourself that you’ll be able eat like a madwoman tomorrow afternoon – a really hungry one.

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  13. I fell asleep on the toilet while still drinking the foul medicine before my last colonoscopy. Apparently my parasite had no particular effect on the colon but it’s ageing like the rest of me – at least no-one can see it’s wrinkles. Good luck with yours. 🙂

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  15. I had to experience that fun two years ago, and the two items which stood out were 1. the butt juice tasted like a monkey; a monkey past its prime, and 2. I was on the toilet for over an hour. My legs were numb afterward – as was my will to live.

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    1. Over an hour? WHAT. That must have been some explosion to only take a bit over an hour!

      But monkey. (Butt monkey?) If that’s what a monkey tastes like, I hope to never taste one again! Numb legs. Numb will to live. Sore forehead from smacking my palm to it and squeezing as I screamed something akin to WHY DEAR GOD WHY OH WHY KILL ME NOW MOTHERFUCK

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Lay it on me!