Last of the Butt Stuff

Seriously. I hope to never talk about this again. Okay? Okay.

You know that horrible shit they make you drink? Colyte. It’s called Colyte, though apparently some people take different stuff. Anyway. It’s pure Devil Juice. It starts out so deceptive. I dumped lemonade in it, shook it up and got it super cold. The first glass tasted like, “What the fuck is everyone’s problem? This isn’t so bad!” It was salty lemonade. Granted, it wasn’t tasty, but it wasn’t as horrible as everyone made it out to be. The second glass tasted pretty much the same. The third glass?

The third glass tasted like, “Oh My Fuck, I will never get through this deceptive Devil Juice.”

By the last three glasses of the night, it was coming back up. And not from the right end. I couldn’t finish it when I got up to do so at 3:00 AM. I tried. I tried my best. But when it started coming back up, I said fuck it. (That’s what the last glass tasted like: “Fuck this shit.”) They can either do the procedure or they can’t. There’s little use in drinking it if I’m only gonna puke it up.

The rest of it? I’m not gonna go into details. Let’s just leave it at this: I wish there was a healthy option to never shit again in my life.


Fast forward to 5:00 AM. I got there on time, but that Colyte wasn’t finished with me yet. Oh no. I don’t understand why they make you drink it all the way up to procedure time (nearly so). I feel like I could have taken care of things a lot sooner and felt a lot better. Oh well.


Let’s skip the unsavory bits and get to the results: no visible signs of cancer, though he did take tissue samples to send to the lab. I’m supposed to see him in 2-4 weeks. (Which will be my first time meeting him. I’m assuming he’s met me by now…) I’m told there was severe inflammation and lots of ulcers. I’m also told that I’m not allowed to take NSAIDs anymore, which I have grossly abused because of chronic headache and migraine problems. Time to hold my GP’s feet to the fire on that.

So yes. Overall really good news. My only concern now, really, is finding a better way to manage my headaches. AND. Take better care of my nutritional health. Much better care.

No cancer, dudes. No. Fucking. Cancer. Not even any polyps.


And that’s the last of the butt stuff. I promise I’m at least as sick of talking about it as you are of seeing it in your feeds!

68 thoughts on “Last of the Butt Stuff

    1. My MIL had neck pain and used to get shots in her neck for the pain. I think it helped. This was so long ago no one had heard of Botox used for any medical issue. She’s now ninety and hasn’t had that problem for years.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I have a co-worker who gets terrible migraines. She’s gotten the Botox treatments for a few months now and says it helps her. I feel for anyone who deals with migraines. They sound terrible.

        Liked by 2 people

    2. Yay!

      I haven’t tried it. My GP keeps telling me I’m fine with my excedrin and BC powders. Something tells me he didn’t believe me when I said I straight up abuse it to feel better. Time to knock on his door!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sigh. Yeah, pretty much how I feel about him at this point, too. Why on earth would I go to my doctor and say, “Hey doc, I’ve been abusing the fuck out of NSAIDs because my headaches are unbearable. Can you help me with an alternative?” Only for him to say, “Nahhhh, it’s all good homey.” I will give him credit for sending me straight to the butt doctor instead of fucking around when I told him about the other issue. But while that’s a big deal, it’s not the only thing I need a doctor for. So yeah….it’s time. 😐

        Liked by 1 person

      2. May work out great. The pat “Here, take this pill!” answers nowadays seems like the trend. It’s sad. And they wonder why there’s a fucking narcotics epidemic. The docs are the dealers and insurance/government pay for most of it willingly. It’s bizarre.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Exactly. I agree with you exactly. There’s a damn pill for everything – most of them, we don’t need. But….I’ll take one for my head if it really…really helps. At this point, I wouldn’t turn down injections. They’re that bad (hence why I’ve knowingly damaged my body with NSAIDs).

        But it’s a horrible racket. And people seeking legit help are the victims. It’s sickening.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Money. What I would give to get away from money. I wish I knew enough to go scratch out a little subsistence farm somewhere, and just get off the grid as much as possible.

        Of course, I’d still need internet. Otherwise, I’d miss you fine people. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      5. In lieu of traditional sign-up thingies, we shall fight to the death. I mean, to the victory. On Mario Kart or some other video game. If you win, you may join. If I win, you may join so long as you bake the next batch.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. So glad to hear your still kicking and made it through the procedure; big sigh of relief it’s not cancer. Maybe with healthier eating and lifestyle the headaches will diminish. I’m trying to kick the habit of diet Mtn Dew but I’m not strong willed enough. It’s really my only vice. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. YES! Exactly. Something manageable is a far better alternative to cancer or removal of my guts for that or some other reason. And it’s totally not something that can hinder PNW or future adventures. Yay!

      You made me laugh…thank you. 🙂


    1. Thank you, Julie!! Me, too – I just made my follow-up appointment, and it’s not until July 11. But at least I have preliminary info and don’t have to stress until then. 🙂


  2. Woohoo!!! Thank fucking god. When my dad had his first colonoscopy, I rewrote all the words to You Give Me Fever (which I think is really just titled Fever, but never mind). Chorus went “You give me poopies.” If I knew you outside of blogger-land, I would have done the same for you. I TOLD you that prep was brutal! I’m not allowed to take NSAIDS anymore except when I’ve actually got my period for similar reasons. Time to try something like Imitrex or Maxalt or something for those migraines. I had a hard time tolerating the jaw clenching it induced in me, so now I take large quantities of caffeine and it takes the edge off enough for me to function. Anyway, I’m super excited that it’s NOT cancer for you. Super duper pooper excited. Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hahaha! That’s fantastic – I love it!

      I think I tried imitrex years and years ago, but I’d give it a shot again. Speaking of Fever! Ms. Fever – blogger – mentioned a med to me that I suggested to my doctor. I need to bring these all to him again, and tell him I won’t take no for an answer or I’ll just go elsewhere!

      And thank you thank you, Emily!


  3. Great great great news ! I’m so happy for you 🙂
    No C and no polyps , yeah 🙂 I’m doing my little (not so little) dance here now 🙂
    You got a scare and an alert right on time , right when you are contemplating changing your life and moving , giving you even more strength to take action 🙂
    No more NSAIDs is a bummer (specially if no alternatives were given until you go to the doctor) how are we supposed to manage those stupid migraines ?? – but I have to thank you for the alert 😉
    Could you be anemic or B12 deficient ? (that gives bad headaches) Could your gut be angry with something you eat frequently and that you are sensitive/allergic to ? (and thus the ulcers) ?
    But the most important is this were AWESOME NEWS 😀
    Turtle Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Unfortunately, I’ve been tested for anemia – just a week ago, and I’ve had my B12 and other levels done. Usually the only thing that’s low is D, so I supplement that (and have been trying to get more sun lately).

      Still some homework to do, that’s for sure! I wouldn’t put it past diet. I have lotsa stuff to work on!

      Thank you for the hugs..hugs! How are you holding up?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Swell 😉
        Riding my waves as they come 🙂 Among some other stuff some Colyte looming in the near near future 😦 but now I’m prepared thanks to you 🙂
        And yes lots of homework to do around here too , it seems like I’m back in school actually 🙂
        Turtle Hugs

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m crossing my fingers for you, my sweet turtle friend. Gosh, it’s so much work isn’t it?

        I know how bad I said the Colyte is…and I wish it was an exaggeration… but. Keep at the forefront of your mind how important it is, and soon you’ll have some answers. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Absolutely – I’m the same way. I did so much research beforehand. It was somehow comforting to know it would be disgusting instead of being shocked by it.

        I had ginger ale on hand to chase it with. Oh man, that was a huge help. I don’t know how normal it is, but be prepared for a painfully full tummy for about 3 hours. I think it took me 3.5 hours before I felt any effects…I was so bloated with fluids that I was actually happy when it finally hit!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Glad to hear things went well! Well, well-ish, anyway. Devil butt juice doesn’t sound great, but super happy to read that no cancer part!

    Also, I’d like to throw in my vote for Botox for managing migraines. A friend of mine has had good results managing her chronic migraines through Botox injections. Unless you can find some kind of underlying source (diet/exercise type of things).

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I totally get it. I would definitely suggest seeing if there’s some other underlying cause before injecting yourself with toxins, but persistent headaches are pretty awful, so it’s definitely something to consider even as a last resort.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. So did you have THE BEST NAP afterwards? Because that’s the most fantastic part.

    Glad it wasn’t cancer. I use NSAIDS for migraines, too, but fortunately don’t have them nearly as often as I used to.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I truly look forward to those post-procedural naps. I struggle to sleep and it is THE BEST NAP ON THE PLANET. It’s a nice consolation prize for turning your back door into Niagara Falls.

        Liked by 1 person

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