Losing Steam

I’ve been off all psychiatric drugs for a while now – at least six weeks. I can’t handle the side-effects or expense anymore – and, frankly, they hadn’t really changed anything. I continued riding (fairly) high and optimistic for a while. It’s easy to begin thinking there won’t be another downswing (I had even more of them on the drugs.). But there has been. There is. These last few days have been hell.

I recognize that a lot of it is circumstantial. (Caution, whining ahead.)

  • I’ve come off an intense anxiety-fest over what could be wrong with my body. (Never thought in the history of ever that I’d be happy to have ulcers.) Coming off shit like that strangely and oftentimes leads to low moods for me.
  • I found a dead sparrow in my bedroom when I got home. It’s a complete fucking mystery. It can’t have flown in as I was leaving this morning…because I enclose the cats in the bedroom and kitchen areas before ever opening the front door. It’s not a mystery as to how it died…but how it ended up in the bedroom? Beats the hell outta me. I cried for a good half hour after finding it this evening. I also thought weird shit that I don’t even believe in – like what kind of fucked up omen is this?
  • My mortgage payment spiked up to $300 over what it’s always been. Because of recent historic floods, FEMA remapped my neighborhood. Fuckers. So my mortgage company kindly bought a policy for me, without consulting me. I’m not in a big fancypants house – it’s quite a bit smaller than average (that’s what she said). So I don’t understand why it’s costing so much. Needless to say, that shit wasn’t in my budget…and I’m kinda fucked if I don’t get out from under this thing soon.
  • The job situation has stalled out. I haven’t heard anything on the ones I applied to with my company, so I’m tossing resumes at new shit again. Got a tentative job offer today…for Colorado Springs. Dude. That’s nowhere near where I’m looking to go. I don’t want to reconsider my PNW. May have to at some point, unless I want to settle for any ole thing and continue living paycheck to paycheck. (Not something I can afford to do anymore – nor should I have to.)
  • These fucking headaches are the pits, and my usual go-to OTC stuff is not an option anymore. Small price to pay for not having cancer, doncha think? Can’t make a doc appointment yet, as their office is closed for vacation.
  • Other personal shit that is taking more of a toll on me than I realized, I think.

What else can I whine about? I don’t know. That’s more than enough for now. Suffice it to say I’ve been a tearful, moody mess for the last couple days. A lot of it is circumstantial – which sucks, really, because resolutions are kinda far off. Either way, an actual human hug would be nice. Then again, so would winning the lottery, but we can’t have everything.

Anyway, sorry. I don’t even actually want to talk about any of this shit. At all. Just needed to vent, I suppose. Not giving up. Just having a shit time of it right now.

44 thoughts on “Losing Steam

  1. Not to make it worse, but Colorado is hella expensive to live in right now. For example, the AVERAGE home in the Denver area is now $350k+ . I’m actually in the process of moving out of Colorado…mostly cause I got a job elsewhere, but the population is like a bunch of Catholics and Mormons are living there…exploding.

    Okay, now to more positive shit…weed is available pretty readily there and I hear it does wonders for pain.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Haha! Okay, I love your analogy! I’m not really interested in Colorado. It’s just weird that sometimes I get these random recruiter calls from people who have found my resume online. It’s like the people I want to be interested in me aren’t…and vice versa! I’m getting a lot of programming offers, but I don’t know much about programming. It’s weird. I’d take some courses if it didn’t bore me to tears!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Vent , spit , do whatever you need !
    We’re not running away , you’re stuck with us πŸ™‚
    As we can’t really hug you or take you out for a coffee and a good chat or do something crazy and funny with you , we will gladly listen to your venting (is this a word ?) if it helps πŸ™‚
    And I believe there are times when a good whining is really appropriate (life can get shitty πŸ˜‰ ) but this too shall pass (it’s a bit like that nasty drink we shall not name ever again …it did pass right ? gave a lot of trouble but it is out and gone now πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ )
    Turtle Hugs

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Vent!! Vent!! It helps! When you are able to make an appointment with a doctor and IF you both decide meds are what’s best for you… Ask for Samples. I know they get so many samples that it’s over flowing. Keeping you in my thoughts. (((((Hugs))))))

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lady, vent!! We are here to listen. But, that dead sparrow thing…maybe you wanna call on your local witch doctor. I would have to move the fuck out if that was my surprise upon arriving home. Hell.no. I understand your appeal for the PNW. I wanted to go on a road trip all along the coast this summer, but with my move, it might have to wait 😒 What field do you work in? I’m sure you know, but the PNW is insanely expensive. Not sure where you’re looking, but Pottland is quickly becoming the new San Francisco. Bastard hipsters. They’re to blame for everything.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha! I know it…I’m no hipster! But Oregon is my ideal spot. I’ve always been in love with that place, and then I got downright homesick for it after I passed through in 2014. I’ve worn a lot of different hats, so to speak, work-wise. Everything from office management to prepress for marketing collateral to now copywriting… I believe I’d have better luck if I were already up there, but I’m not in a position to move and then job hunt. It’s rough. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Southern France 😍 Oregon is dreamy, too. If you ever meet a short, midget-like man whilst in Oregon (specifically the Portland area) who looks vaguely familiar, in that he looks like Robert Downey Jr.’s not-as-good-looking brother, will you kick him in the twat for me? I’ll love you forever.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s probably the region I’ll be moving to, though I’d rather be closer to the coast. But work opportunities are better in and around Portland.

        So. All that to say that you have yourself a deal. πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m looking into my crystal ball right now and I see a beautiful woman, she just got some good news and can’t stop smiling. It’s definitely you. And my crystal ball never disappoints πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The dead sparrow is a GOOD sign. It’s validation that moving up and moving on is EXACTLY what you need to do. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, chica. You got this, even if it doesn’t feel like you do.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Hi Steph, I am sorry you are feeling so crappy. I bet the cats had the dead sparrow hidden somewhere at a previous time – not an omen!!! How about going for a nice walk somewhere pretty at the weekend and ‘smell the roses’? Or just vent… I like doing that too.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s the only thing I could think, too…makes me wonder how long the thing has been under my bed…because I cleaned under everything BUT the bed last weekend.

      Thank you, Kerry…thank you πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. LOL! Stop thinking about the poor deceased sparrow and check out my latest blog. You should have seen me when I found a GIGANTIC tree roach under the pillow – where I was sleeping. Eeeeeek!

        Liked by 1 person

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