One of those standard update thingies.

So. Great progress in some ways. None at all in others. Let’s get to it, so I can get it off my chest. Kind of like the pain in the everything bra that hits the deck as soon as I get home every day. I can feel it there, driving me crazy, all fucking day. So maybe I can get some mental shit off my chest, and I’ll feel a bit of relief? Doubtful, but let’s try it anyway.

House Stuff

The house goes on the market tomorrow morning. Sign in the yard, MLS, Zillow, the whole nine. Well. She said Zillow usually takes three to five days to pick new listings up. But after that, it will be available for any google search. Sweet biscuits.

She said houses are selling fast in my neighborhood, but agreed with me that having only two bedrooms and one bathroom will make it harder than most to sell. That’s fine – I anticipated that from the moment I bought the place.

She offered me a full percent less on her commission than I anticipated, so I didn’t even negotiate that. I was gonna try to knock her down half a percent, but she did way better than that on her own.

She also named the exact list price I was going to suggest (I’ve been researching comps for ksofmusemeweeks). We both know it probably won’t go for that, but it gives me room to negotiate without fearing dropping below my bottom line.

So tonight, I do the final touches: tucking stuff away in closets, mopping everything one more time, water the plants and put the hose away, clearing the back deck, tidying the storage room, etc. Then I’m gonna take a much needed superlong soak in the tub and hit the hay.

She’s meeting me at the house at 9:00 AM in the morning. She said we’ll do all the paperwork then, photograph and video everything, then go ahead and toss the sign up. Weeeeeeeee. Here we go!

Job Stuff

Fucking sucks. Still no feedback from slowass corporate about the jobs I applied to in hopes of staying with my current company.

Still nothing but dead-ends on the couple hundred apps I’ve done thus far in my search. (That isn’t an exaggeration. If anything, it’s an underaggeration. Yeah. That’s a word now. Suck it.) Now and then, I get serious nibbles or even bites. A couple times, I’ve all but been offered jobs (talking only about ones that would pay enough to live there)…only for them to fall through at the last minute.

There’s time yet, as the house is only now being listed. But…I’m still nervous as fuck. I’m not sure what the hell I’m going to do if the house sells and I’m still stuck down here with the same shitty prospects. Do I gamble it all and drive my ass up there? Hoping employers will be far more amenable since I’m in situ? (And risk losing it ALL in the process?) Or do I sign a fucking six month lease on an apartment here and keep wiling my life away, waiting for change.

For now, I shall focus on the sale of the house, continue applying my ass off and bide my time.

Mental Health Stuff

I still wake up wishing I hadn’t. I struggle mightily with things I want and think I need, but feel they’re far from my grasp. Perhaps eternally so.

I’ve had some mopey days. I’ve had some weepy days. I’ve had times I’ve had to hide in the bathroom at work, so I could cry it out and compose myself.

I still think I’m a pointless waste of space, an inconsequential non-blip on the universe’s radar. I still wonder what the fuck the point of it all is.

I fight hard not to dwell on that, because I don’t have the answers. I know I have it better than so many do, but it doesn’t really help to know that. It doesn’t ease the pain in my soul. God, I sound like such a whiny little bitch. Yet, it’s how I feel.

I’m fighting. I’m not giving up. I’m not giving in. I’m not. But. Motherfuck, some days it all feels so fucking impossible.


So. Good things ahead. New things ahead. Things I’m nervous about. And things I’m still struggling with.

Overall. Trending upward. The trick is to keep it that way.


44 thoughts on “One of those standard update thingies.

  1. You complete fuckstick of a twatting twat. NEVER think that you are inconsequential. Never think you are anything other than FUCKING AMAZING! You absolutely rock and I am so proud to call someone as clever, witty and self depreciating as you are, my friend.
    Never let anyone ever tell you any different and if they do or they make you feel anything other than good about yourself, tell them to go forth and multiply.
    Enough said.
    No more silly talk.
    You are fantastic and very brave to be considering such a move and I reckon you sell the house and as soon as it’s done, you jump in the car and hightail it the fuck out of dodge all the way up to PNW and have a couple of weeks there looking for work.
    You will definitely find the job of your dreams if you show up at their door.
    I just know you will.

    Liked by 9 people

  2. Hey friend! I don’t know YOUR personal mental struggle, but I know mine, and it sucks. If it’s anything like yours, I can relate. As for packing it up and heading to the PNW, I would be very careful about that. I don’t mean to discourage you, but I want to be a realist here. Maybe Oregon has changed, but my ex and his then girlfriend packed their shit and moved to Oregon and their experience finding jobs was not good. He said it seemed they weren’t very open to out-of-towners. Now, this may be wildly inaccurate, and you may find tons of success in your field. So, maybe don’t take my advice? I don’t know. Do you have someone you can stay with until you move so you’re not locked into a lease? Keep your chin up!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your perspective and encouragement. I thought I had someone lined up to stay with for a bit, but that fell through. Such as it is, I know no one up there! Hehe…this is gonna be fun. …

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Steph. Everyone gets scared and worried with potential big changes. On top of that your mind tells you silly things, like mine. πŸ™‚ You are a strong, capable, lovely person who fights very hard to keep well and achieve a new life. One step at a time, house first, then job. Keep writing to put life in perspective. Love and hugs Kerry x

    Liked by 3 people

  4. once the house is sold, drive your ass straight there. Not even kidding. For a variety of reasons, people need to see that you’re there and ready to work. They’ll hire you. Girl, have I ever led you astray? No. No I have not. So git the house sold, git packed, git the brows done and bangs trimmed, then git the hell out of there and start living your dream.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You’re much more likely to get hired if you live where you’re applying. That’s just how it is. People don’t wanna wrangle over moving expectations and shit, they just wanna hire someone. I’d go.
    When we left Georgia, we TRIED to get jobs in a city away from here, but no dice. Like, we wanted to live elsewhere, truly. We could not be in limbo with kids in school. You can. Just go where you want to be.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. If you have some savings in the bank, I vote for move up there. At my company our quality control manager is looking into hiring someone and the best candidate is from out of state looking to move to California, but the manager is still wary because he doesn’t want to stop searching and hire this guy only for his move to fall through or be delayed. A lot of companies aren’t even willing to consider hiring pending relocation, so you’re more likely to get serious bites if you’re already local.

    I’ve got my fingers crossed for you and sending good vibes! You got this, girl! ❀

    Liked by 4 people

  7. Missed you Stephanie. Feel better and know that you’ll never be…I still think I’m a pointless waste of space, an inconsequential non-blip on the universe’s radar. I still wonder what the fuck the point of it all is.

    You’re phenomenal!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’ll echo those who say you should have better luck once you’re there – and you can take temp jobs until the “real” job lands in your lap. We hardly ever hire folks who have to relocate – it’s just a hassle.

    But I also agree – is there someone in that area you can stay with? Because that would make it a bit easier should you decide to move, say, an hour or two away….?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I wish! But I don’t know anyone up there I can stay with.

      I’ve thought about temp work as well, until I land the “real” job. I may have to think more seriously about using At least I could save money on rent that way. We’ll see!

      Liked by 2 people

  9. I don’t have anything to add to the great advice your blogger buddies have given you. I empathize with you, Stephanie, am always behind the scenes cheering you on (that sounded soooo cheesy, didn’t it?)

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I still think I’m a pointless waste of space, an inconsequential non-blip on the universe’s radar.

    No, you’re confusing yourself with Melissa McCarthy and/or Jessica Chastain. You have people who love you, people who care about you – the extraordinary amount of comments you earn here is proof of that – and people who want you around for a very long time.

    Liked by 1 person

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