When I think about you, I MasturDate?
I took myself to a movie last night. Masturdation, yay!? Yeah, no. You’d think this would be cause for celebration. Alas, no, for I watched a “film” that I never intended to see. One of those where you see a teensy snippet of a preview, and you go…”That looks stupid as fuck.” You scornfully scoff at the screen, because your cinematic tastes are far too refined for such drivel. So why, pray-tell, did I take myself out to see Passengers?
Why. The Fuck. Would I do this to myself? I’ll tell you why. One of my besties (yes, I said “besties,” because I’m pretty sure it will annoy the shit out of him) is a bully. That’s right. The author of stupidityhole bullied me into going to see this “film.” You see, he wanted me to be enlightened by the…no. I just snorted. No. I can’t even finish that sentence. He wanted me to share in his misery about this film, because that’s how bullies behave!
I wasn’t gonna do it. No. Fucking. Way. I’ve been wanting to take myself to a movie, but not this…this thing.
I refused. I outright refused.
And then he said the three magic words. You guessed it. “Cryognically-frozen chicken.” Motherfuck. I was undone, and he knew it. He refused to tell me what that meant. I’d simply have to see the film now in order to understand that. So. Over the course of, I dunno…a couple days. (He says it was more like an hour. Pfft.) He tormented me by randomly blurting out, “cryogenically-frozen chicken”…or…”ice-cold bock-bock if you prefer.”
And I caved. WHO WOULDN’T?! I had to know what the fuck he was on about. Look, I’m weak, okay? I mean. What the fuck is he talking about?! ARE THERE CHICKENS IN CRYO-CHAMBERS?! WILL THEY FROLIC AROUND IN SPACE?! IS THIS A MOVIE ABOUT SPACE-CHICKENS?! OHMYFUCK I’VE SEEN THE FUTURE, AND IT’S CRYOGENICALLY-FROZEN CHICKEN! Fucking hell. This is what happened to my brain after being bullied for days. Weeks. Months. (Maybe two hours.)
So I acquiesced: I’d see the “film.” I’d resist the urge(s) to walk out before it was over. And I’d sit through at least forty-five seconds of the end-credits. I already knew, going in, that this was probably all some big trick. One of the many schemes I’m subjected to on the regular.
In Dreams become…
Two or three days ago. Maybe last week. Look, we already know I’m shit with time, okay? At some point in the not-so-distant past, I even dreamed about this shit.
In the dream, I saw the damn cryobock movie and never understood the cryochicken reference. I panicked. In the dream. Because I knew what this would mean. That shit would make me watch it again!
Also in the dream, Laurence Fishburne looked just like his Morpheus character from The Matrix and simply wandered around, shaking his head and muttering “damn” at random, unexpected intervals. (We can also blame this one on stupidityhole, who told me “Morpheus is in the movie. And he says, “damn.” Now you have to see it.”) (What is wrong with me?)
At another point in the dream, Laurence Fishburne was actually more like HAL in 2001. And all throughout the ship, anytime something pseudo-dramatic happened, his voice would echo throughout the ship…”Daaaamn.”
I woke in a cold sweat. Holy fuck. Okay. The Fishburne/Morpheus/HAL shit was funny. But missing out on cryobock and being heckled eternally until I watched it again? Fuck. This can’t happen.
…Reality (Spoilers ahead and blah blah)
It was all I could do to stay awake during this…this thing. But I knew falling asleep would be signing my death warrant (aka: having to see this fucker again). And oh did I get restless. I even messaged stupidityhole shit like this randomly during the movie:
MAY I PLEASE WALK OUT
-Something about punching his face off.
And, SHOCKER, he didn’t reply to any of those. He was reveling in my misery. Fucker.
I entertained myself by jotting little notes on my phone. Would you like a sampling? Sure you would!
Jock wakes after asteroid collision
Wonder how long it will be before they show his ass
Ship is to travel 120 years (total) and can’t get through a MFing asteroid belt?
CALLED IT. Jock boy nudie shower shot.
Oooo Bob Dylan music playing…while Jocky McGee models clothes?!
What the fuck am I watching
HOW COULD BOB DYLAN AGREE TO LEND HIS MUSIC TO THIS
Thank you for a moment of peace Bobby
He passenger not crew
I do like the scene where he wanders out in space, thinking, feeling, lost…adrift, afraid, alone, desperate, hopeless
Nearly suicides afterward w/o spacesuit
I would too if I was in this fucking movie
He woke blondie on purpose!
Also WHERE’S THE FUCKING CRYOBOCK! I WANT CRYOGENICALLY-FROZEN CHICKEN RIGHT NOW I NEED TO LEAVE
“It’s the ultimate geographical suicide.” This is her line, and she’s a writer?! i’m gonna piss myself
Hm. I wonder when spacehumping begins
I’M SORRY HE WENT WOMAN SHOPPING FOR FUCKS SAKE AND SHE HAD NO CHOICE
space flying yay
CUE SPACE HUMPING
ugh lots of space humping
OH YAY! MORPHEUS!
“How long were you alone?”
~ A year
OKAY. I GOT MY DAAAAAMN. WHERE’S THE FUCKING CHICKEN?!
how many times do i have to watch blondie swim?!?!?!
crazy half-naked gravity field failure in pool
yay i get to watch blondie suspended in a spacebubble…dangling in her swimsuit
on the bigscreen
WHY AM I HERE
Ship falling apart
that wasn’t predictable at all
morpheus bites the dust
holes in the ship
“How’s that even happen? I thought this ship was supposed to be meteor-proof.”
“I guess one got through.”
who the hell wrote these lines
There was one other dude in the theater. He either fell asleep or slid down in his seat to whack it to spacehumping. Ew. He’s nasty. Nasty dude. Bad.
Three chicks came in at some point. Looked like mom and two daughters. They laughed at the “serious” moments. That was entertaining.
In conclusion… NO. JUST. NO.
So remember that dream I told you about?’
Sometimes dreams do come true.
No. Fucking. Idea. What the hell he meant by “cryogenically-frozen chicken.”
Credits start, and I’m thinking…it better be in the forty-five seconds of this he told me to sit through.
I’m the last one in the theater. The others hauled ass.
I sit through half the credits.
I get up. Walk down the aisle and am about to leave. But then, I think…what if this is part of the trick? I’ve sat through all this, no way am I leaving yet.
Prop myself against the wall (ewww, why is it sticky?) and watch – EVEN READ – the credits until it’s completely over. Screen goes black. Lights come on.
There’s a simple solution to all this.
I’m gonna kill him.
Best part?! My car is stranded there at the theater. The snowstorm that was supposed to start at 10 PM started several hours early.
Yeah. I called an uber, and he got me almost “home.” Then I walked the rest of the way. Only about half a mile. Was kind of fun, actually.
Car is still there, because there’s been over a foot of snow where I am, and I can’t get out.
But I got to be out and about in the snowstorm! Driving around Portland, chatting with a cool driver. Then walked the rest of the way in the snow!
AND I STILL DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK STUPIDITYHOLE MEANT BY CRYOGENICALLY-FROZEN CHICKEN.
You know what he said, right? Guess you’ll have to see it again, hey? Dreams do come true! Or something.
Question for Peopleaneous
Did anyone see this movie and actually LIKE it? I’d love to know what the hell I missed that has like twelve people on earth raving about it.