First Comes Pinball, Then Comes The Fuckening

One of my new favorite things to do is go to a barcade. It’s a place for grownups, where distinguished ladies and gentlemen meet up to…whoop each others’ asses at arcade games, while getting nice and toasty on beer (ahem: cider for me, please) and sharing some sloppy-ass nachos (not to be confused with sloppy ass-nachos).

Louisiana girl here had never heard of barcades before. (Do y’all call ’em barcades? Cuz that’s just me doing my portmanteau thing. But I bet I’m not the first on this one.) One of my date people person dudes took me to one, and I’ve been hooked ever since. You wanna see The Stephanie in full form – giggling, talking smack, cursing and laughing and choking on cider, raising fists into the air – in either victory or defeat (people are SUCH cheaters, I swear) – take her to a barcade.

I’ve only been twice now, but I will be going back. With sacks of quarters (hehe she said sacks), a 15-year-old mentality and a winning streak itching to be released. Hashtag suckmytopscorebitches.

The second time I went was just a couple of weeks back, and it kickstarted a wave of drama that I semi-anticipated but am still supremely disappointed by. People are such brainless dickwhistles. It would be fun to watch them running around, scratching their heads (you know, the ones between their legs) and launching all sorts of wild accusations…if I weren’t one half of the target.

A former coworker (from Louisiana – formerly known as P. Whipped right here on Stephellaneland) and semi-friend was passing through Portland. He was on an epic Road Trip slash Personal Quest slash Work Assignment, and he messaged me on his last night in Portland – letting me know he was in town, asking if I’d be interested in meeting up for drinks. I’m like, dude. Dude, Yeah! Where’s the fire! I told him about the barcade, and he was down. Because DUH BARCADE.

We met there, and I commenced to smashing him on pinball and old-school arcade games. He cheated a few times and “won.” We had drinks and laughs and traded stories about the shitty stuff that lead us each to begin our Personal Quests. He took a selfie of us – aka The Selfie Heard Round the World. And then? You guessed it. He posted in on Facebook. Made it a public post so the whole world can see it.

So. Fucking. What.

Right?

Wrong.

Because apparently, nowadays, first comes pinball, then comes marriage the fuckening. Back in Douchetown, Louisiana, I’m becoming known as the girl who banged Anklebiter’s fiance relationship detritus that she threw away for the dude she was (allegedly) cheating with. What. On Earth. Gave them that idea?

Why, the smiling selfie taken in a barcade on “Henry’s” last night in Portland, of course! Nevermind the fact that we were at the same shindig maybe three times when I still lived in Douchetown. Nevermind the fact that I didn’t think the dude even knew my name before that night. NEVERFUCKINGMIND the fact that PINBALL shouldn’t imply that I was interested in playing with HISBALLS.

For fucks sake, what is wrong with people? I had two ciders. He had about five crown & cokes. We played arcade games for about 2 hours, then chatted for about an hour. He gave me a hug just before I walked back to my car and drove back to my apartment, and he took an über back to his hotel. He left the entire state the next morning. And guess what? I don’t owe that explanation to anyone.

But nooooo. I’m a homewrecker (in a situation where there is no home to wreck). A PINBALL PLAYING WHOREMOUTH. I need a Scarlet P. I’ll sew it onto my homewrecker cape, right above my high score. And a new selfie of me flipping off Senorita Anklebiter and her minions.

Signed,
The Pinball Prostitute

*Thanks to Tikeetha for reminding me of this gem. I used to go around singing it, but I’d forgotten about it somewhere along the way. Highly appropriate for today!

 

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41 thoughts on “First Comes Pinball, Then Comes The Fuckening

      1. I’m still working on lowering mine. Makes for fewer disappointments.

        The boys are finally happy and settled! They were miserable at the first place I landed here in Oregon. But they’re finally settled in and relaxing. Playing and acting up again. Makes me happy. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I really don’t know yet (not trying to be mysterious). Maybe within the country (a couple of hours south or several hours east), or outside of the country altogether. I will keep you posted, mon amie! 😁🐈

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Heh! My sentiments, exactly. He ended up just blocking all of ’em. If they start up again after today, I’m doing the same. It got to me at first, not so much now because I realized that, for people like that, even the truth wouldn’t change a thing. They believe what they want to believe – and they’ve gotta be miserable to thrive on manufactured drama. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 😛

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Hahaha! That’s a funny video! And you’re right. You’re likely already guilty in the court of public opinion, if you will. Fuck it. Let ’em eat cake. It’ll blow over once the next faux drama is self-created. 😃😃

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Having often been accused of homewrecking, you have my sympathy.
    We do have barcades, I do not go. I used to play pinball a lot in high school, mostly with my bestie, and I hugged her all the time… prolly when I became the whore I am.
    Gateway to whoredom, right there. :/

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 1] Lafayette, LA has its first barcade (yes, that’s what I’ve always heard them called) a few years back, but it didn’t last long. 😦 and where I’m at now in the Twin Cities, they have a HUGE one with so many cabinet the my jaw hit the floor when I first walked in. they often have tournys too.

    2] okaaaaay. that sounds like a handful of people have their panties in a bunch. smh. it’s insane how out of proportion or just completely incorrect something can be misconstrued by ignorant, nosy folk. ugh. sorry that’s happening. but I like your attitude about it. keep it up! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re awesome – thank you! And yeah, people have flipped their lids. But based on the drama at my former place of employment, I’m not too surprised. Just shaking my head and feeling a little sorry for them, actually.

      And I had no idea Lafayette had one! Good thing I didn’t – I’d have been making some little road trips every damn weekend! 😀

      Like

    1. HAHAHA! I love that analogy. That’s great! I definitely didn’t feed that greedy fucker. I straight up ignored any attempts to pry – because no matter what the truth is, they’re gonna adhere to whatever is more entertaining for them. Let their worlds burn…I’ll stay over here in my own. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Omg. Suit up! (That was suppose to say “shut up!” but autocorrect again, so I went with it this time. Lol.
        Girl, take space and vanish whenever and for however long you need! Always. You’re the best and I’m dying to hear more about your life. ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

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