If I Were Bipolar

If I were bipolar, I bet I’d be a rapid cycler.

If I were bipolar, I bet I’d exit a two-month depression and launch right into an extended mixed episode.

If I were bipolar, I bet I’d make some dangerous decisions that would, ya know, put me in danger.

If I were bipolar, I bet I’d justify said dangerous decisions with shit like, “this is just what it looks like to live after stifling yourself for the better part of thirty-seven years.”

If I were bipolar, I bet I’d recover from heartbreak by meeting up with a never-ending string of dudes who give less than a shit about me.

If I were bipolar, I bet I’d only find pleasure in the kind of job that makes me pull my hair out.

If I were bipolar, I bet I’d leave that job on some random Tuesday night, meet up with some stranger, and stay up until 4 AM.

If I were bipolar, I bet I’d return to work the next day and alternate between bouncing off the walls and wanting to shoot myself in the face.

It’s a good thing I’m not bipolar.

20 thoughts on “If I Were Bipolar”

  3. I love this. I am not bipolar, but I see myself in some respects. Truly, I see most of us. It’s a push and pull and I’d like to see everyone write something like this, with that same honesty that comes in hindsight.

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    1. Thank you, Joey. I almost didn’t publish it. But then it felt like I’d be lying, in a sense.

      I don’t know if I am – bipolar – or not. But some days… As you said, the push and pull is pretty damn universal.

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    1. This post was about some parts reflection, some parts assessment, and some parts denial.

      If you looked at this post in a vacuum, then I can understand your knee-jerk response that I’m being irresponsible. But I’m not overly concerned with misperceptions. I’ve been diagnosed bipolar, by multiple doctors now. Then, the mess fucked me up more than I ever was unmedicated. All of which I’ve discussed in previous posts. As has my policy of not typing “trigger warning” on every single post I write.

      It’s about my experience, and mine alone.

      Thank you for your feedback.

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      1. I’m BiPolar as well and I have to say I see some of myself in your writing. My BiPolar isn’t cookie cutter to everyone else. That is one of the reasons it goes undiagnosed in patients for years. A major event usually occurs that gets the attention focused on treating more than the usual reason the patient sees a doctor for which is depression. I never saw a doctor when I was manic. Why would I? I felt amazing, energized, happy… enter the adjective that fits. None of which made me think I should go see my doctor I feel too good today. Surely they can prescribe something to make me less energetic and happy. On a side note, the stigma aspect I find shows a lack of education on the part of anyone that is living with this. Some of the most brilliant and artistic influencers in history have had these disorders. As long as you have a good psychiatrist that knows that meds stop working just because and cares about your mental health all while you are doing the right things to keep you in a stable state life carries on.

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    2. This is an actual account of life as a bipolar person, which I am. If you have this disease and weren’t able to connect with this post then great, good for you. But negativity and talking about stigmas to a person who also has a mental illness is just counter productive and not supportive.

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Lay it on me!