Thwarted by McBitches and McOldfucks

I pass by a McDonald’s on the way to work.

Every single morning.

And every single morning, excepting those I’ve left ridiculously early to make up time, the line to McDonald’s extends into the street.

Bright (or even gloomy) and early, people anxiously await their sacks of fat and jugs of soda.

I have something I’d like to say to these motherfuckers.

To the White Collar Fat Bitches: It’s a quarter to 8:00. I’ll be behind one of your cohort momentarily, watching you shovel that sausage biscuit into your mouth as you drive. Crumbs tumbling down into your decolletage. Greasy fingerprints smearing your steering wheel. You’re going to march your fat ass into work and give side-eye to all the hot bitches who don’t smell like grease and shame. You did this to yourself. And you got in my way doing it. Bitch.

Disclaimer to the White Collar Fat Bitches: I’m one of you. But I have the sense to not block traffic for a sack of fat in rush hour. Bitches. Plus, McDonald’s is shit. You’re eating shit. Deep-fried shit. I hope you get extra dimples in your thighs with every crumb that falls into your cleavage.

To the Becardiganed Old Fuckers: When I finally steer my way around the McBitches, I encounter you next. In your McBuick or McOldsmobile, shrouded in your year-round cardigan. I know you’ve got a coffee pot at home, you old fuck. But more importantly, you’ve probably been up since five o-fucking clock. Yet here you are, slowly creeping out of the drive-thru lanes. Turtling your way into traffic. At 7:47 A.M. What the fuck is the matter with you? You know what? I think you’re doing this shit on purpose. If you’ve gotta wear year-round cardigans and shake with the palsy, by god you’re gonna make the rest of us pay. With your slow, confused ass. Fucker.

Disclaimer to the Becardiganed Old Fuckers: I’m aware I’ll be one of  you one day. If I make it that long. And maybe I’ll too play games with the younguns. I’ll have fuckall else to do. But I want you to remember this. Next time you’re in the grocery store at a quarter ’til Jeopardy, I’m passin’ the clerk a tip and a note asking her to call for a loud price check of your Depends Undergarments. Or to tell you they no longer accept checks. Oh yeah. Payback is a bitch.

Next time y’all think about blocking traffic during rush hour for subpar fast food – NEWSFLASH: McDonald’s serves breakfast all fucking day now!

mcd

 

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139 thoughts on “Thwarted by McBitches and McOldfucks

  1. I’m laughing my McFing ass off right now….oh my, but their egg nog shakes rock….around here it’s Tim Horton donuts shop and the line spans into the road…for subpar donuts I might add but their coffee I buy by the can and make it at home so no Mctakeout for me….except when travelling, then I don’t even feed my dog at garbage…Wendy’s if I can find one…yah….Frosties to go with my thigh mcdimples…tee hee…..

    Liked by 3 people

  2. When I lived in the Seattle area the first time, before I got sick, I used to commute to a job in Bellevue. I would avoid the 520 like the plague and go around through Kenmore and Kirkland. In Kirkland, there was a McDonald’s on one of the busiest streets and there would ALWAYS be these fat fuck Yukon’s making lefts into the drive-through blocking the fucking street. For fucking McDonald’s! 42 grams of heart attack. I used to get so ragey screaming at those people I could feel the blood vessels in my head threatening to burst. UGH!!!!!! So…long story slightly less long, I LOVE this post!

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Freeways. Arterials. Highways. Interstate. Donkeylanes. All this weird shit.

        Girl from Louisiana uses Google maps to plan road trips. And ends up nearly pissing her pants in San Fran and Seattle. Seattle used to be on my list of prospects to consider moving to…until I drove there! I’m sure I’d get used to it or learn the tricks you allude to…but whoamamajama.

        Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s a Cajun chicken and biscuits chain in the south. Sooooo good. But for the sake of my ever expanding ass, I’m glad the one in our town is under such shitty management now that it’s not worth going to.

        Liked by 3 people

  3. Lol; holy shit! This right here:

    “You’re going to march your fat ass into work and give side-eye to all the hot bitches who don’t smell like grease and shame. You did this to yourself. And you got in my way doing it. Bitch.”

    Sounds so fucking hardcore I’d swear you’ve got a gun in your hand and your waving it in the “White Collar Fat Bitche’s” face (who is tied up in some dodgy McAlley) and you’ve got that “I only put one bullet in this motherfucker for a reason” look in your eyes

    *giggles*
    Hahahaha! What a fucking a post, I’m totally pumped!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ha! I know you would! But I work not to let it show…because I’m the same way. Put someone behind me cursing and gesticulating and guess what I’m gonna do? Smile and slow my happy ass down. πŸ˜€

      Like

  4. Every day on my way home, I have a freaking Chik-fil-a that causes traffic for me too. For a few months, they actually had to detour the unlucky saps like me that didn’t want that crappy chicken and weren’t slowing traffic down by waiting in line for their slow polk drive by customers. I wanted to say, “Why did the Chik-Fil-A cross the road?” To piss me the freak off!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. AHAHA! Why did the Chik-Fil-A cross the road? That’s fantastic.

      Dude, that reminds me of the new Whataburger here. I think we got it last year. Hot damn, for the first couple of months there had to be traffic cops out there. RIDICULOUS. I get it. Cheap, convenient, marginally tasty. But who the hell wants to wait in lines like that? It defeats the purpose of FAST food!

      Grr. Grr grr. Now I hate your Chik-Fil-A, too!

      Like

      1. Yep, there were cops too. I was so bitter I forgot to mention them. Anyways, it’s not like when I open the kitchen to have food, people aren’t flocking to my house like it’s the Field of Dreams, clamoring to pay me money for mediocre food. Ugh, I hate Wat-A-Burger now too!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. If you grill it, they will come. Or something like that. Grill smoke always pisses me off, unless it’s my grill smoke. Then I’m like: y’all smell this? IT’S ALL MINE! MUAHAHAHA! Or something.

        Like

      3. All I know is I have too many people around and I would hate for you not to have Others. So you know, even if you only want to rent some of my people that would be fine too. Just return them a little less annoying. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Noted.
    Ok…as a possibly, maybe, headed-on-the-way-to-being-a-Becardiganed Old Fucker, I’m going to shake my fist and ask: have you never heard of the ROMEO’s? That Retired Old Men Eating Out if ya don’t know. And second, the only breakfast biscuit I’m getting in a drive-thru lane for is Hardee’s. They may be known as Carl’s Jr. in other parts of the country, but here they are Hardee’s. And I won’t be shamed for it. But not Every. Freaking. Day.
    Thank you for this post. I laughed, I thought, I almost cried (well not really). And according to the late Jim Valvano, that’s a hell of a day.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, no shame in the occasional fast food stop. I’m no skinny minnie, so that’s definitely not the point I was trying to make. But tell me something, ye on the way to being a Becardiganed Old Fucker, when you do stop, do you do it at 7:45 AM and block rush hour traffic? Hmm? If so, then YOU WILL BE SHAMED!

      And thank you. For laughing…. πŸ˜€

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No ma’am! Because if I’m in line at 7:45, I already know I’m going to be late! 7:30 at the latest. Not to mention, there has never been a line that I’ve been in to get the biscuit.
        I prefer to become a ROMEO, anyway.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Not one that caused backups in rush hour traffic. Sure I’ve been in line. But the lines here are almost never that long…not even at that time in the morning. Remember, I’m a small town guy.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. The only time I’ve seen a line that threatened to block traffic at a fast food chain around here is when Popeye’s has a special 10-piece chicken box for $5.00. Folk around here lose their damn minds for that.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I think I am done with McRipsters. Always trying to give me the wrong size drink or fries. Here in NJ, it’s the Dunkin’ Donuts that causes traffic, especially since there trying to get drive-thrus in every one!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Will you hate me if I tell you I never eat fast food? I am perplexed by America’s obsession with fast terrible food. What’s wrong with a sandwich? Maybe I shouldn’t mention Subway… I managed to get to 200 lbs with no access to fast food or even a supermarket. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh no, I definitely eat too much fast food. And the stuff I was raised on (cheap, quick, fattening) wasn’t really much better than fast food. I’m by no means the picture of health. I just get so angry at the traffic jams…all for mediocre (sometimes terrible) food!

      Of course I wouldn’t hate you – I’m jealous! πŸ˜€

      Liked by 2 people

  8. I quit eating at McDonalds a couple years ago when their desire to go “upscale” made their food more expensive than it was delicious. I don’t get the whole breakfast phenomenon anyway…. why certain foods that you wouldn’t eat any other time of the day? Why the strict time limits? Why the hell would you get it at fucking McDonalds? Another reason to be glad to work the night shift… breakfast wasn’t made for us!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha! I know – UPSCALE McDonald’s. *snorts* I mean, come on.

      I’ve never liked their breakfast (and breakfast “rules” really are weird – I agree). But I’d stop just short of killing for some fries about now. πŸ˜›

      Like

      1. I consider myself to be a french fry connoisseur, and oddly enough despite all of the ballyhoo over McDonald’s fries, I’d rank them near the bottom of all the places I’ve ever ate fries at. They’re actually better when they’ve been sitting in the bag for a while than they are fresh out of the fryer…

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Hahaha, good to know I’m not the only one who gets bitchy about traffic being blocked !:p I love it!
    (my only concern is that I practically wear cardigans year-round and also drive a 1987 Mercedes, so does that make me a becardiganed (20something) old fucker, or am I just a confused hipster? :p)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Heheheheeee….yay – thank you, Drew! I actually came to work a few minutes early this morning to avoid the madness. It really pisses me off sometimes (as you saw….), while others I just roll it off my shoulders. I suppose it depends greatly upon my overall mood and outlook on life. Which lately has been…FUCK YOU MCBITCHES!

      Let’s go with Confused Hipster. I like it. πŸ˜€ And don’t worry…I may not have cardigans (okay, I have like two)…but I am often behoodied..like now. (That sounds way too close to beheaded. Let’s not use it…) πŸ˜›

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hahaha, I suppose being often clad in sweaters and often clad in hoodies cancel each other out, anyway, right? :p
        (see, word change, problem sovled! xD)
        I’m the same way; if I’m late, I’ll literally scream out loud (then get embarassed at myself) but some days I’m just like “meh… okay fine”
        Oh, but if I’m driving and I have to pee, the wrath that every slow car and red light feels is too great for words! In that case, literally nothing can prevent it xD

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ohmygosh, if I don’t pee before leaving work, my road rage knows no bounds. Problem is, the more worked up I get, the more urgent my need to pee!!! πŸ˜€

        They definitely cancel each other out, by the way. πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 3 people

  10. I so appreciate your blatant honesty. PREACH honey, PREACH. I applaud you. I had some grouch ignore me in my car when trying to pull out of a parking lot and I sat that and motioned for her to back the you know what up….she did ever so slowly, and I just smiled and waved at her annoyingly as I drove past. MEH!!!!! πŸ˜›

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hahaha! Oh Stephanie, you’re making fun of me and I’m laughing right along with you.
    It’s the pistachios that hang out in my decolletage, FYI.
    Seriously, I’d venture to say at least once a week, The Mister and I are in the drive-thru chez our local McDonald’s, me for my biscuit and hashbrowns, him for his McGriddle. We take it home and eat our McFats where people like you won’t chastise us πŸ˜‰
    The line sometimes stretches out into the street, and when it does, I park. The trick, for us cardiganed bitches who get up at 5, is to go after 8am. And I’m sorry to tell you, but as a McBitch, I must — McDonald’s does not serve the entire brekkie menu all day. Only parts. For example, biscuits stop at 10:30.
    I cannot speak for the other McBitches, but sometimes I need a fat fix that someone else has toiled over.
    Fabulous post — Well Done! πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahahaha oh no! I promise my rage was mostly about blocking traffic in rush hour. Drives me batshit (as was probably obvious….)! πŸ˜€

      I do still get their fries from time to time (and I have more fat in my life than I care to admit)! But I hate their breakfasts..and my guts always do, too!

      You made me laugh so much…thank you!!! πŸ˜€

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad we could provide the lolz for each other this morning πŸ˜€
        I am sorry your guts don’t like their breakfasts, but I understand. I never eat the fries, but I’ll never give up the cheeseburgers and omg, they have the best fountain Coke on the planet. *wants one now*
        Still, they are evil social injustice lords and I hate the company as much as you hate traffic jams! πŸ˜›

        Liked by 1 person

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