I pass by a McDonald’s on the way to work.
Every single morning.
And every single morning, excepting those I’ve left ridiculously early to make up time, the line to McDonald’s extends into the street.
Bright (or even gloomy) and early, people anxiously await their sacks of fat and jugs of soda.
I have something I’d like to say to these motherfuckers.
To the White Collar Fat Bitches: It’s a quarter to 8:00. I’ll be behind one of your cohort momentarily, watching you shovel that sausage biscuit into your mouth as you drive. Crumbs tumbling down into your decolletage. Greasy fingerprints smearing your steering wheel. You’re going to march your fat ass into work and give side-eye to all the hot bitches who don’t smell like grease and shame. You did this to yourself. And you got in my way doing it. Bitch.
Disclaimer to the White Collar Fat Bitches: I’m one of you. But I have the sense to not block traffic for a sack of fat in rush hour. Bitches. Plus, McDonald’s is shit. You’re eating shit. Deep-fried shit. I hope you get extra dimples in your thighs with every crumb that falls into your cleavage.
To the Becardiganed Old Fuckers: When I finally steer my way around the McBitches, I encounter you next. In your McBuick or McOldsmobile, shrouded in your year-round cardigan. I know you’ve got a coffee pot at home, you old fuck. But more importantly, you’ve probably been up since five o-fucking clock. Yet here you are, slowly creeping out of the drive-thru lanes. Turtling your way into traffic. At 7:47 A.M. What the fuck is the matter with you? You know what? I think you’re doing this shit on purpose. If you’ve gotta wear year-round cardigans and shake with the palsy, by god you’re gonna make the rest of us pay. With your slow, confused ass. Fucker.
Disclaimer to the Becardiganed Old Fuckers: I’m aware I’ll be one of you one day. If I make it that long. And maybe I’ll too play games with the younguns. I’ll have fuckall else to do. But I want you to remember this. Next time you’re in the grocery store at a quarter ’til Jeopardy, I’m passin’ the clerk a tip and a note asking her to call for a loud price check of your Depends Undergarments. Or to tell you they no longer accept checks. Oh yeah. Payback is a bitch.
Next time y’all think about blocking traffic during rush hour for subpar fast food – NEWSFLASH: McDonald’s serves breakfast all fucking day now!
LMAO! I’ll recall this post when I see someone eating a mcfatty sausage biscuit. A disclaimer: I do go there for their coffee. Not anything else. Love their coffee!
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Oh, I go there now and then. Rarely now, since the ones here are pretty shitty. But ohmygosh, WHY AT 7:45?! EVERY DAY! They’re crackheads! Seriously, I think McD’s is slinging crack through the drive-thru windows!
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haha! They’re McZombies!
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😀
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I’m all in the Christmas spirit and you are dropping the MC F’ Bomb. HA HA HA!
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😀
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I’m laughing my McFing ass off right now….oh my, but their egg nog shakes rock….around here it’s Tim Horton donuts shop and the line spans into the road…for subpar donuts I might add but their coffee I buy by the can and make it at home so no Mctakeout for me….except when travelling, then I don’t even feed my dog at garbage…Wendy’s if I can find one…yah….Frosties to go with my thigh mcdimples…tee hee…..
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Frosties! Great, NOW I want a frosty. Mm mm.
I’ve never heard of Egg Nog Shakes. And I will blame you FULLY when I become addicted.
I’m gonna need one. In my facehole!
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Yeah, Tim Horton’s coffee! Bringing back memories from my Canadian travels.
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They’ve spread like the plague to America, seems like one can be found on every corner these days…..overkill it seems sometimes😊
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When I lived in the Seattle area the first time, before I got sick, I used to commute to a job in Bellevue. I would avoid the 520 like the plague and go around through Kenmore and Kirkland. In Kirkland, there was a McDonald’s on one of the busiest streets and there would ALWAYS be these fat fuck Yukon’s making lefts into the drive-through blocking the fucking street. For fucking McDonald’s! 42 grams of heart attack. I used to get so ragey screaming at those people I could feel the blood vessels in my head threatening to burst. UGH!!!!!! So…long story slightly less long, I LOVE this post!
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Ha! I knew I couldn’t be the only one! And they’re so fucking oblivious!
P.S. Seattle traffic scared the shit outta me. Well, not literally. But ohmygod, I thought I was gonna stroke out on the interstate!
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Yeah, the arterials are the key. I only used freeways when I was going to the airport or up north out of town or down south.
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Freeways. Arterials. Highways. Interstate. Donkeylanes. All this weird shit.
Girl from Louisiana uses Google maps to plan road trips. And ends up nearly pissing her pants in San Fran and Seattle. Seattle used to be on my list of prospects to consider moving to…until I drove there! I’m sure I’d get used to it or learn the tricks you allude to…but whoamamajama.
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Arterials are just busier non-freeway streets. Not so hard after about a month.
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You’re determined to make me all serious and reasonable today, aren’t ya? 😛
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I do what I can. Sounds like you might be doing work today of a Monday nature. Wouldn’t want to bring out the non-serious and get you fired or something.
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That’d be great, actually. Force my hand to make a decision and stop all my stagnating. (I know, not really. I need to do these things myself!)
Besides, I’d much rather goof off. 😉
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Who wouldn’t. Make your decision. The worst that can happen is it won’t turn out and you’ll have to make another decision.
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You make it sound so simple…I like that. Thank you. 🙂
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Crumbs falling into the cleavage omg lol!!!! The only biscuit worth that is one from bojangles 😎
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I’ve never heard of this bojangles…except the one from the song and the old actor..
Hmm. Must add bojangles biscuit to the life list…
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It’s a Cajun chicken and biscuits chain in the south. Sooooo good. But for the sake of my ever expanding ass, I’m glad the one in our town is under such shitty management now that it’s not worth going to.
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My ass is so far gone that I’d try a biscuit anyway. I’m in the South and have NOJANGLES! Hmph.
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No Bojangles and you live in the south?! I can’t even comprehend that. That sucks!
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Yeah!
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Lol; holy shit! This right here:
“You’re going to march your fat ass into work and give side-eye to all the hot bitches who don’t smell like grease and shame. You did this to yourself. And you got in my way doing it. Bitch.”
Sounds so fucking hardcore I’d swear you’ve got a gun in your hand and your waving it in the “White Collar Fat Bitche’s” face (who is tied up in some dodgy McAlley) and you’ve got that “I only put one bullet in this motherfucker for a reason” look in your eyes
*giggles*
Hahahaha! What a fucking a post, I’m totally pumped!
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Oh hell yes. You feel me. You totally feel me. 😀
Thank you!
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shit, I’d get ib your way just to look in the rear view mirror at ya, smile, and wave.
ha ha!!!
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Ha! I know you would! But I work not to let it show…because I’m the same way. Put someone behind me cursing and gesticulating and guess what I’m gonna do? Smile and slow my happy ass down. 😀
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Every day on my way home, I have a freaking Chik-fil-a that causes traffic for me too. For a few months, they actually had to detour the unlucky saps like me that didn’t want that crappy chicken and weren’t slowing traffic down by waiting in line for their slow polk drive by customers. I wanted to say, “Why did the Chik-Fil-A cross the road?” To piss me the freak off!
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AHAHA! Why did the Chik-Fil-A cross the road? That’s fantastic.
Dude, that reminds me of the new Whataburger here. I think we got it last year. Hot damn, for the first couple of months there had to be traffic cops out there. RIDICULOUS. I get it. Cheap, convenient, marginally tasty. But who the hell wants to wait in lines like that? It defeats the purpose of FAST food!
Grr. Grr grr. Now I hate your Chik-Fil-A, too!
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Yep, there were cops too. I was so bitter I forgot to mention them. Anyways, it’s not like when I open the kitchen to have food, people aren’t flocking to my house like it’s the Field of Dreams, clamoring to pay me money for mediocre food. Ugh, I hate Wat-A-Burger now too!
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What’s for dinner? I may start a traffic jam if it’s better than my microwave box o’ shite.
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Something as mediocre as my life. But it will be served in a Field of Dreams in the backyard, so you should send traffic my way.
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If you grill it, they will come. Or something like that. Grill smoke always pisses me off, unless it’s my grill smoke. Then I’m like: y’all smell this? IT’S ALL MINE! MUAHAHAHA! Or something.
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Precisely how I feel about pizza. I ordered that freaking pizza. Do not touch it or ask for a piece. This bubbling cheese and pepperoni are for me and me only.
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Great, now I want a grilled burger AND pizza. Thanks a lot.
Good news is if I have both, I may share. Maybe. We’ll see. Don’t push it.
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I would probably say something about sharing but then not really do it. Because not sharing is caring too.
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That’s right. Gotta show some self-love (I mean caring), too, ya know.
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This is the time of the year when you should think about others…giving stuff to you.
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I don’t have any of those. I’m gonna steal some of yours. Others, that is. I’d ask, but I know you’d say no.
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You can have some of my others. I have too many annoying others around me.
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😀 I love this comment. Especially considering I’d already forgotten what the hell I said. This comment makes zero sense out of context. (Don’t worry, I looked back…)
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All I know is I have too many people around and I would hate for you not to have Others. So you know, even if you only want to rent some of my people that would be fine too. Just return them a little less annoying. 🙂
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Deal. Duct tape over the mouth work for you?
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Yes, that would work great. I know of many people at my place of employment that would become much better people with tape over their mouths.
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I’m thinking full on lobotomies for the coworkers, at least the ones who don’t seem to have had them already.
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I appreciate this. It has been a long time coming for most of them.
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😀
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Noted.
Ok…as a possibly, maybe, headed-on-the-way-to-being-a-Becardiganed Old Fucker, I’m going to shake my fist and ask: have you never heard of the ROMEO’s? That Retired Old Men Eating Out if ya don’t know. And second, the only breakfast biscuit I’m getting in a drive-thru lane for is Hardee’s. They may be known as Carl’s Jr. in other parts of the country, but here they are Hardee’s. And I won’t be shamed for it. But not Every. Freaking. Day.
Thank you for this post. I laughed, I thought, I almost cried (well not really). And according to the late Jim Valvano, that’s a hell of a day.
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Hey, no shame in the occasional fast food stop. I’m no skinny minnie, so that’s definitely not the point I was trying to make. But tell me something, ye on the way to being a Becardiganed Old Fucker, when you do stop, do you do it at 7:45 AM and block rush hour traffic? Hmm? If so, then YOU WILL BE SHAMED!
And thank you. For laughing…. 😀
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No ma’am! Because if I’m in line at 7:45, I already know I’m going to be late! 7:30 at the latest. Not to mention, there has never been a line that I’ve been in to get the biscuit.
I prefer to become a ROMEO, anyway.
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Wait, you’ve never been in line to get a biscuit? Never?
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Not one that caused backups in rush hour traffic. Sure I’ve been in line. But the lines here are almost never that long…not even at that time in the morning. Remember, I’m a small town guy.
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Oh yeah, so even if all twelve citizens piled in there, you’d all fit in the parking lot. Got it.
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That’s right, big city girl.
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Don’t get cut.
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The only time I’ve seen a line that threatened to block traffic at a fast food chain around here is when Popeye’s has a special 10-piece chicken box for $5.00. Folk around here lose their damn minds for that.
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Y’all ain’t supposed to have Popeyes up there. It’s wrong. And you’re welcome.
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Ain’t supposed to? Ain’t that a bitch…
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What’d you call me?
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Tramp.
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See. NOW you’re getting cut.
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Bwaahahahahahahaha…..
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I think I am done with McRipsters. Always trying to give me the wrong size drink or fries. Here in NJ, it’s the Dunkin’ Donuts that causes traffic, especially since there trying to get drive-thrus in every one!
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Gah, I’m a sucker for McD’s fries…good thing they’re always waaaay overcooked around here. Makes it easy to steer clear.
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You are so fucking funny!
Absolutely mental post.
Bloody loved it!
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Yay! Thank you! 😁
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McLoving it, Steph. xo
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Thank you! 😁
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Will you hate me if I tell you I never eat fast food? I am perplexed by America’s obsession with fast terrible food. What’s wrong with a sandwich? Maybe I shouldn’t mention Subway… I managed to get to 200 lbs with no access to fast food or even a supermarket. 🙂
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Oh no, I definitely eat too much fast food. And the stuff I was raised on (cheap, quick, fattening) wasn’t really much better than fast food. I’m by no means the picture of health. I just get so angry at the traffic jams…all for mediocre (sometimes terrible) food!
Of course I wouldn’t hate you – I’m jealous! 😀
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The traffic jams drive me crazy as well. Here in Stepford, I can’t understand why they eat junk food and then go to the gym and plastic surgeon…Miaow!
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Ahahaha! I bet the shit the plastic surgeon pumps in em is made of the same stuff McD’s burgers are!
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ROTFLOL!
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Everything about this post is amazing!😂😂
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Haha! Yay! Thank you! 😀
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What a stark contrast from my journey to work… 😉
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I almost said: Let’s trade! And then realized I would never in a million years wish Queen Bitch upon you.
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Let’s see her out with pitchforks!
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Yeah!
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Je viens de répondre à ton email. 🙂
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Like Kerry, I almost never eat fast food…I don’t understand the appeal!
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I quit eating at McDonalds a couple years ago when their desire to go “upscale” made their food more expensive than it was delicious. I don’t get the whole breakfast phenomenon anyway…. why certain foods that you wouldn’t eat any other time of the day? Why the strict time limits? Why the hell would you get it at fucking McDonalds? Another reason to be glad to work the night shift… breakfast wasn’t made for us!
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Ha! I know – UPSCALE McDonald’s. *snorts* I mean, come on.
I’ve never liked their breakfast (and breakfast “rules” really are weird – I agree). But I’d stop just short of killing for some fries about now. 😛
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I consider myself to be a french fry connoisseur, and oddly enough despite all of the ballyhoo over McDonald’s fries, I’d rank them near the bottom of all the places I’ve ever ate fries at. They’re actually better when they’ve been sitting in the bag for a while than they are fresh out of the fryer…
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Ahhhhh noooooo, begone evilsquirrel! What heinous lies you tell! 😀
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McFuckin Fantastic! You made my whole day a Happy Meal!
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Ahahaha YAY! Thank you!
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I still laughed today thinking about it.
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😊🎉 yay!
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Hahaha, good to know I’m not the only one who gets bitchy about traffic being blocked !:p I love it!
(my only concern is that I practically wear cardigans year-round and also drive a 1987 Mercedes, so does that make me a becardiganed (20something) old fucker, or am I just a confused hipster? :p)
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Heheheheeee….yay – thank you, Drew! I actually came to work a few minutes early this morning to avoid the madness. It really pisses me off sometimes (as you saw….), while others I just roll it off my shoulders. I suppose it depends greatly upon my overall mood and outlook on life. Which lately has been…FUCK YOU MCBITCHES!
Let’s go with Confused Hipster. I like it. 😀 And don’t worry…I may not have cardigans (okay, I have like two)…but I am often behoodied..like now. (That sounds way too close to beheaded. Let’s not use it…) 😛
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Hahaha, I suppose being often clad in sweaters and often clad in hoodies cancel each other out, anyway, right? :p
(see, word change, problem sovled! xD)
I’m the same way; if I’m late, I’ll literally scream out loud (then get embarassed at myself) but some days I’m just like “meh… okay fine”
Oh, but if I’m driving and I have to pee, the wrath that every slow car and red light feels is too great for words! In that case, literally nothing can prevent it xD
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Ohmygosh, if I don’t pee before leaving work, my road rage knows no bounds. Problem is, the more worked up I get, the more urgent my need to pee!!! 😀
They definitely cancel each other out, by the way. 😉
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That’s EXACTLY how it is for me!! It’s literally the worst thing ever, haha.
And that sounds good :p
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😀
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McDonald’s should be McOutlawed.
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Hahaha! Good one! 😀
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🙂
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What the hell is a “decolletage?” I was told there would be no twenty-five cent words!!!
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How about Canyon of the Heaving Bosom?
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Sorry, the only word I saw in that sentence was Bosom.
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I know….
I almost said “tits” but I hate that word. 😉
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Does this still apply if the McB’s are eating Egg White Delights?
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Ha! If you’re blocking traffic in rush hour, ABSOFREAKINLUTELY! 😉
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Reblogged this on wwwpalfitness.
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i see that you favored a comment…
Interest perspective darling..
Some believe they can live off that shit?
By the way;
Go girl, go girl, go girl!
hugs chris
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No moderation, i impressed!
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Hi Chris, thank you for your kind words! 😀
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Kind, i had thought we’re stomping the golden arches!
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I so appreciate your blatant honesty. PREACH honey, PREACH. I applaud you. I had some grouch ignore me in my car when trying to pull out of a parking lot and I sat that and motioned for her to back the you know what up….she did ever so slowly, and I just smiled and waved at her annoyingly as I drove past. MEH!!!!! 😛
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Hahaha! Nice – killin’ ’em with kindness! I love it!
People make me so angry sometimes, and instead of venting it in real life, I come here and unload it all on you fine people. 😀
Thank you!!!
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😀 YES! That’s what it’s for!
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Hahaha! Oh Stephanie, you’re making fun of me and I’m laughing right along with you.
It’s the pistachios that hang out in my decolletage, FYI.
Seriously, I’d venture to say at least once a week, The Mister and I are in the drive-thru chez our local McDonald’s, me for my biscuit and hashbrowns, him for his McGriddle. We take it home and eat our McFats where people like you won’t chastise us 😉
The line sometimes stretches out into the street, and when it does, I park. The trick, for us cardiganed bitches who get up at 5, is to go after 8am. And I’m sorry to tell you, but as a McBitch, I must — McDonald’s does not serve the entire brekkie menu all day. Only parts. For example, biscuits stop at 10:30.
I cannot speak for the other McBitches, but sometimes I need a fat fix that someone else has toiled over.
Fabulous post — Well Done! 😀
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Ahahaha oh no! I promise my rage was mostly about blocking traffic in rush hour. Drives me batshit (as was probably obvious….)! 😀
I do still get their fries from time to time (and I have more fat in my life than I care to admit)! But I hate their breakfasts..and my guts always do, too!
You made me laugh so much…thank you!!! 😀
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I’m glad we could provide the lolz for each other this morning 😀
I am sorry your guts don’t like their breakfasts, but I understand. I never eat the fries, but I’ll never give up the cheeseburgers and omg, they have the best fountain Coke on the planet. *wants one now*
Still, they are evil social injustice lords and I hate the company as much as you hate traffic jams! 😛
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I know!!! I hate the company, too! They’re terrible, irresponsible monsters poisoning the masses with cheap pseudo-food! And now I want a quarter pounder! 😀
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But WE are not part of the problem! Ahahaha!
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NO WAY! 😀
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Knock knock
Who’s there?
Yogurt
Yogurt who?
Yogurt a new email! 🙂
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Hahaha! Good one!
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Omg! This had me dying! 😂
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Hehehe thank you so much! 😀
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Somebody needs to quit wasting time at work and post again.
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I agree. May I come to work for you?
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I don’t pay well. Or at all.
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What about your benefits package?
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Well now.
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McD’s has its place. I think I only visit them now if I’m travelling and down to my last few dollars. It tastes damn good when you’re hungry and a little desperate.
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I agree – hard to believe with that post. But I really do…
BUT I HATE RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC BLOCKERS! 😀
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LMAO! You’re hilarious! This is the funniest thing I’ve read in awhile.
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YAY! Thank you so much!! 😀
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You’re like a blogger comedian chick! 😀
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Oh wow, that’s high praise, woman!! THANK YOU!!!!
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Thank you! It’s always nice to laugh before bed.
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