The Geek Squad
I’ve recently been welcomed into the geek fold at work. They don’t know it (yet), but I refer to them as the Geek Squad (shut up, BestBuy, this isn’t about you). I’ve always known they were geeks – I mean, come on. Boys are usually pretty obvious about such things. But they (well, most of them) didn’t know it about me.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve had to work closely with a couple of them on a new project. The geekiness seeped out, and I found my people. Half a dozen or so dudes who say “fuck” a lot, trade anime and books and play video games together. Some of them are married, while others still live at home. I’m totally picturing a basement full of gadgets, anime and porn, maybe a D&D table, with mom or grandma scornfully delivering PB&J, laundry and classifieds every few hours.
Anatomy of a (Stephanie) Geek
For the record, I’m only about half-geek. Something like: Half anime/comics/gamer geek. Three-quarters introverted, dark corner dwelling book nerd. Four-fifths anti-establishment, pot-smoking smartass. (Just trust my math on this, okay? I’m smart.) Some of the guys are more overtly geeky, while some of them look like total heads but talk a very geeky game.
Herman the Hipster Slings Porn in the Parking Lot
A week or so ago, Herman the Hipster (seriously, no idea that one was a geek) received a boon. One of his recently married friends was ordered by his not-so-geeky wife to get rid of his anime collection. My argument, upon hearing this, was how in the fuck did she not know she was marrying a geek? Didn’t she know what she was getting? Didn’t he take her for a test drive in his replica batmobile? And how in the fuck did he not know he was marrying a controlling bitch? If he’s as geeky as his (formerly) outlandishly massive collection of anime indicates, then he was probably grateful to be getting any booty at all. (I somehow doubt he’ll remain grateful for long.)
So that was how Herman the Hipster happened upon three trunkfuls of anime. And I don’t mean a pocket-sized Prius trunk. I mean the back of a Toyota Forerunner. We’re talking individual films, box sets of entire anime seasons, leather-bound collector’s editions of super rare ones, and one super secret super pervy porny hentai box set at the bottom of a big bin.
Herman the Hipster decided to sell off his friend’s (former) collection at cut rates to any interested coworkers, then sell the rest on ebay at the going prices. So cigarillo-smoking, assumed-to-be-pothead Pookie informed me of the deals goin’ down in the parking lot. (Doesn’t everyone know a Pothead Pookie? This is at least the second one I’ve known.)
Apparently, like three of the lonelier geeks got into a serious bid-war for the hentai box set. I suppose they found the artwork enticing: picture a naked anime chick with a rack the size of the wheels on a monster truck. She’s floating in space – hovering, I imagine, directly over the bed of a sexually frustrated geekboy – covered in what I can only hope is icing. All of the icing in the world, after the cupcake factory exploded. On her tits.
Pookie Prophesies in the Parking Lot
But that all happened once I was out of the way…they couldn’t exactly let the chick see them locked in a bid-war for porntoons. While I was out there with Herman the Hipster, Pookie the Pothead and Manbun Merv, Herman shows us the ones he’s set aside for himself. One of which was Pom Poko.
Pookie looked to be in the throes of traumatic flashbacks.
Pookie the Parking Lot Prophet: Dude, what the fuck are you keeping that for? Burn it!
Herman the Hipster: What? It sounds cute. I’m gonna show it to my daughter.
Pookie the Parking Lot Prophet: What the fuck is the matter with you?! You can’t show that to your kid!
Herman the Hipster: Haha what? Why not?
Pookie the Parking Lot Prophet: Dude. You show that shit to your kid, and she’ll be traumatized for life. I’m telling you. It’s about these…these…these fucking fucked up fucking squirrels, man!
Manbun Merv: *chuckles* What’s wrong with squirrels?
Pookie the Parking Lot Prophet: OH MY GOD. DO NOT SHOW THIS SHIT TO YOUR KIDS. It’s…it’s about these squirrels, man…
Stephanie the Smartass She-Geek: Those look like raccoons to me, Pookie.
Pookie the Parking Lot Prophet: Oh my god, woman! That’s not the point! These fucked up little animals..they try to save their homeland, right? And they use their motherfucking nutsacks to do it!
Everyone dissolves into laughter. Pretty sure I snorted and doubled over.
Stephanie the She-Geek: That sounds like the best thing ever!
Pookie the Parking Lot Prophet: That’s because you don’t understand! Herman, you can not show this shit to your kid. I’m telling you, they use their nutsacks to fight the humans.
At this point, we all take turns quizzing him about the nature of these nutsacks. We’re all under the impression that he means…like a sack of nuts. Peanuts or something that they’ve gathered. Cuz Pookie keeps referring to them as squirrels.
Stephanie the She-Geek: But it’s Studio Ghibli!
Pookie the Parking Lot Prophet: It’s Studio FUCKED UP is what it is!
Stephanie the She-Geek: You’re just being a perv!
Manbun Merv: Pookie man, that’s kinda fucked up.
Herman the Hipster: Okay, okay, how about this. Stephanie, you take it home and watch it. Then bring it back to me and let me know if you think Pookie is just retarded. I really think my kids would like it.
Pookie the Parking Lot Prophet: I see how y’all are, man. Fine! That’s fine! All I can say is good luck, Stephanie. You’re gonna regret watching that fucked up shit.
Stephanie Regrets Watching that Fucked Up Shit
Dudes, Pookie was totally right. I was absolutely convinced that he was reading into it with a dirty mind. I do it, too. I mean, hell, a bunch of animals using their sacks of nuts to fight? I’d have had dirty thoughts about it, too. So I was totally convinced that Pookie was just being a perv, and the movie would be completely innocent.
But Pookie was right. Those little raccoons. They weren’t using sacks of peanuts. They were using their fucking testicles!
The basic premise of the movie is that humans have encroached upon the raccoons’ territory, to the point where they’re running out of places to live. So the raccoons devise a scheme to push the humans back and make them stop development. A pretty common theme for kid flicks. But these raccoons’ scheme involved teaching the youth the ancient skill of shape-shifting.
That’s right. And do you know one of the things that the little male raccoons liked to shapeshift?
Their nutsacks.
Umbrellas, parachutes, carpets. Or murdering humans by stretching their nuts out over big chasms then pulling back when a vehicle drives upon it. I shit you not, y’all. Take a look:
Pookie was right. I couldn’t even finish it. Not because of the nuts. That was super fucking bizarre and funny in a fucked up kinda way. But because it was boring. I just couldn’t get into the story at all.
I returned the DVD to Herman with a sticky that said, “2 out of 2 geeks agree: do NOT show this to your kids!” Unless he wants his daughter asking Santa for a pair of nuts so she can fight the man, too!
I did some digging afterward, wondering what was up with these testicularly gifted critters and found out that they’re modeled after the Tanuki: a Japanese raccoon-dog of lore, with pendulous nads and shape-shifting abilities.
I love learning about different cultures, but this was quite a surprise. I believe I could have gone my whole life without knowing about the…gifted tanuki.
So uhm. Yeah. Note to self: Listen to Pookie.
I’m thinking maybe that guy shouldn’t show it to their kids. And being able transform your nutsack to make you sounds super painful.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hahaha! I agree – definitely not kid-friendly. Unless they want their kids practicing stretching their nuts over things. *shudders*
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yup! Guess that is not something a child should watch.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hahaha no way! 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho…
Hee hee hee hee hee.
Ha.
I’ve got to see this.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Can you believe? 😀 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
I laughed pretty loudly when I saw the first nutsack image.
It looks stupid enough to warrant seeing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s pretty outlandish! 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Then, I must make a request.
When the band list comes through, also include a list of hilariously bad films?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh lord, boy. I’m already intimidated out of my head trying to come up with bands for you! We’ll see what I can come up with!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Heh.
Well, I look forward to whatever you tell me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Making that film took a lot of balls. /zing
And protest if you must, but I’m wishing you a Merry Christmas, dammit! Don’t like it, come north and kick my ass. 🙂
Seriously, have a safe and happy holiday.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hahaha! I won’t protest…it means a lot to me. Thank you. Merry Christmas, damnit! 🙂
But, wait, was that an invitation for snow? Are you north enough for snow?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am – Philadelphia – but it’s currently 65 degrees here. DAMN YOU, AL GORE!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha! At least he invented the internet so we could talk about the weather.
LikeLiked by 1 person
HA! Yeah, you’re one I’m keepin!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hehehe yay! 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
You make me happy girl! No holds barred 😎
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so so much, Rita!!!!! 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Happy Xmas, Stephanie The Geek
LikeLiked by 1 person
Merry Christmas to you, too!
LikeLiked by 1 person
One day, ask me about the girl I dated with the Buffy the Vampire Slayer fetish that led to her buying a porn parody comic book and the mental scars that remain.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh my god, that sounds amazingly horrible! I’m gonna need to hear this story!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It is too graphic for any WordPress site.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha! Oh no, then how am I to hear about it??!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, it’s not like I have to name the acts I guess. Let’s just say it was the most wrong thing I’ve ever seen, & she wanted role play to be involved after reading it. I refused impolitely.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh lord, she sounds…uhm…interesting? 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think that is the best way to describe her without being mean.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know a couple of fellas at work who would probably build shrines to a chick like that. Buncha damn weirdos. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m all for fun and fantasy, but I have lines. And no means no unless you use a safe word and then the safe weird means no. And I will never pretend to be Spike in bed, ever, no matter how many times I’m pressured.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Absolutely…but that’s so freakin’ weird. It’s not role-playing so much as character acting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! True. Plus…the acts. Just no. No. I need to go bleach my brain.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Don’t do that! Well, only the parts with those images!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah. Wouldn’t want to lose it all. But there are a few things I could go eternal sunshine on.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Points! I love that movie! And I’m with you…I wish I could go eternal sunshine on some shit, too!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Goodnight to you Ms. Stephanie. Hope you had a good day.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much, Josh. Goodnight…sweet dreams…and I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You too!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Herman the Hipster wanted to show this to his daughter?! What a nutter. 😛
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hahaha yeah! It was so bad! 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
There’s German on the DVD cover (‘Ein Film von Isao Takahata’). Why???
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh haha! I dunno! I think I took a pic of the cover but forgot and snagged one from google!
LikeLiked by 1 person
There must be a HUGE German following….
LikeLiked by 1 person
That little flick is so freakin’ weird. It’s crazy to me that it’s been translated to German, too!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Weirdness knows no language boundaries. 😛
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is the funniest post about the weirdest storyline I have see this year I think. Just for that,I will have to see the movie.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha thank you, Deb! Good luck!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Is it sad I already knew those creatures were Tanukis and knowing about them it didn’t surprise me they fought Nad Warfare….?
I’m not a geek, but I dabble heavily in the furry art world… the underbelly of which is majorly fucked up.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nad Warfare! 😂 I love it. And I’ve heard about those furries…it does indeed get pretty weird..
LikeLike
Fucking BRILLIANT Steph!
Who in the fuck dreams this shit up?
You have such a talent, I laughed all of the way through this post so thank you so much for that!!
Hope you have a great day and are accepted into the fold of Geekdom soon… 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha yay! Thank you, Cameron!
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I swear I love your blog! Always making me snort laugh. Merry Christmas Chica! Hugs and Shit! XOXO
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yay, thank you! Happy Holidays to you, too! 😁
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah, one must mind the nutsacks….you are making me giggle on this one my friend….never heard of this stuff before….I guess I’m not geek enough, so I shall laugh and be merry and think of nutsacks all day now🐿 Thanks for that😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha yay! I thought of you lots, but I didn’t know if it would be right to link you to a post like this. 😂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, if my dad popped on he might wonder what geek porn is, then I’d have some ‘splaining to do….😊 funny stuff though😊🐿
LikeLiked by 1 person
No effin idea what you’re talking about, but happy you met some copacetic co-workers. Anything that spins and threads the slightest spider web of community is to be cherished. Merry Christmas blah blah 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
No doubt; thank you, Andrew. Merry Christmas to you, too! 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
We in HR like to brag that we have seen it all. Then people like you post this shiz and knock us off our self-erected pedestals.
The hubs finds all things squirrel to be inherently hilarious, so I may have to find this online somewhere for him….HEY! His mom is ALWAYS poking me looking for Christmas suggestions for him. LIST DONE. LIKE A BOSS.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ahahaha YES! Tell his mother to get that for him! 😀 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s completely amazing the shit I learn here in the blogosphere…thanks?!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hehehe…I know, random and bad. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
So when are you gonna start a “how to write reviews like Stephanie” course?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha! That would be one interesting course!
“Firstly, in order to become a serious film critic, one must be comfortable with the fine arts of the profane. One must let fly the occasional fuck, for instance. And one must own it and move along.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
ooooh! *takes down notes frantically*
LikeLiked by 1 person
😂
LikeLike
I saw this film a few months ago. Wasn’t too bad. Don’t know what you were getting all worked up over, to be honest.
Also tanukis are real.
LikeLike
I’d like a tanuki.
LikeLike
So you say.
LikeLiked by 1 person
So say I.
LikeLike