(Don’t) Forget to Remember Me

Do you remember how dependent I was upon you?
Do you remember how I couldn’t sleep unless I was in your bed, being your Big Spoon?

Every night.

Do you remember sweeping my hair back and drying my tears?
Do you remember reassuring me that it wasn’t my fault, the things he did?

To all of us.

Do you remember telling me you’d always be here?
Do you remember saying you’d never abandon me, because you loved me?

For a time.

Do you remember helping me learn how to read before kindergarten?
Do you remember telling me how proud you were that I could read at your level by second grade?

And that you were jealous.

Do you remember brushing my long hair?
Do you remember telling me how beautiful the curls were?

Then ripping through them.

Do you remember laughing when I tried to playfully coax you from your depression?
Do you remember telling me I would make a great comedian someday?

But not today.

Do you remember when I had a nightmare you died, so I called you sobbing in the middle of the night?
Do you remember telling me that you loved my big heart of gold, and you’d never?

Go away.

Do you remember when I screamed at him, to get off of you?
Do you remember how hard I tried to take care of you?

Of all of us.

Do you remember telling me to get over it?
Do you remember telling me I should forgive him and be by his side?

No matter what.

Do you remember promising me a special gift like you’d given the others?
Do you remember crocheting half of it and bringing it to me in a garbage bag?

Forever unfinished.

Do you remember the big green plastic cup?
Do you remember drinking until your eyes were glassy and your speech slurred?

Only water.

Do you remember all the sleepless nights?
Do you remember all the men from the Internet?

Unraveled.

Do you remember the intervention?
Do you remember saying nothing was wrong, but you’d never speak to us again?

How dare we care.

Do you remember being the only one at the wedding?
Do you remember having a tantrum and making it all about you?

Cried all night.

Do you remember telling me I wasn’t praying hard enough?
Do you remember telling me I was being punished for something?

Barren.

Do you remember telling me my vocabulary was too high?
Do you remember saying it was disrespectful to ever ask why?

Sheep.

Do you remember when I cried and begged you to respect me?
Do you remember when I cried and begged for you to come to me to talk?

Instead of gossiping.

Do you remember how I begged for you to love me?
Do you remember how much it hurt when I always had to be the one?

To call first.

Do you remember going away?
Do you remember where I am?

Lost.

Do you remember who you are?
Do you remember who I am?

Mother Daughter.

Did you forget to remember?
Did you remember to forget?

Me.

Do you know how much I hate it?
Do you know how long I spend sobbing in bed, every year?

Mother’s Day.

I hope I remember to forget.

You.

As easily as you’ve forgotten to remember.

Me.

Advertisements

64 thoughts on “(Don’t) Forget to Remember Me

    1. Thank you…I needed to get that off my chest and didn’t have the strength to yesterday.

      Yesterday was bad, but things are mostly trending upward. More good days than bad, and prospects for the PNW by year’s end are looking REALLY effing good.

      I just said effing instead of fucking. I think I’m still off my game from the weekend. πŸ˜›

      How are YOU!?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel your pain. My mom wasn’t a drinker, but exceptionally incapable of being a parent. My dad was absent after their divorce, and I felt like I was raising her most days. Sorry you had a crappy day yesterday. I’m doing fine, by the way. Was more concerned about you. Glad to hear that PNW plans still in the works! πŸ˜ƒ

        Liked by 1 person

      2. She was a secret drinker – I was a teenager when I started getting wise to it. I think the abuse she endured rendered her incapable of being a parent. That, coupled with her untreated bipolar disorder. I understand, intellectually, what happened to her. Why she became what she did. But emotionally, it wrecks me. I don’t even know where she is right now.

        I’m sorry to hear that you can relate. That you had to raise your own parent. I hope yesterday wasn’t so bad for you.

        And thank you, truly, for your concern. It means a lot to me. A hell of a lot.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. No worries. All you can really do is accept it for what it is (not your fault) and try to do better when you become a mom yourself (if you choose to become one). It still blows, but the beating yourself up over it begins to ebb…eventually. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      4. No momming for me.

        Just working on finally seizing life and living it on my terms for once. πŸ™‚

        Told my boss today – about PNW – and he said he’ll support me and give me a stellar reference. So that’s one more step. Just gotta get the damn house sold!

        I know I’ll take all of my “baggage” with me. I’m not running away – I know better. But at least I’ll make a dream come true. And that’s not nothing. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 2 people

  1. Wow, very powerful and words I wish no one had to experience, let alone put on paper.

    I could tell you about being the black sheep of the family or married to a closet alcoholic, but I will not take away from your words which resonate deep inside of me.

    I wish there was no “adult child to a parent” phrase.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you and you have nothing for which you need to apologize. We each have our own life and sometimes there are veins which mirror other individuals. There is nothing one can do in life but learn and hopefully survive. I do hope your writing is cathartic and you are able to find peace.

        I look at my siblings and tell them “No one forced you to stay here” which effectively ends the conversation. As for the alcohol, I personally feel that her parents, employers, colleagues and friends should all be charged as an accessory to murder for not trying to intervene. Yes, they did say they never tried to do anything to help.

        I won’t say I will always be here . . .

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you, so much, and you’re right. We each have our own lot and do the best we can with it – and if sharing my personal experience(s) helps even one person, I’ll feel like my life mattered. You know?

        And isn’t it something? How siblings play the blame game or have this weird amnesia when it comes to things?

        I hope you’re okay..thinking of you, too.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. All this shit is not an easy lesson to be learned
    There is so much that comes with all of this
    It’s not like a piece of Ikea furniture
    Instructions and an allen wrench
    I still look at this and wonder why
    Why did it go that far
    To the point of traumatizing me
    Why after they were both gone
    Did I find a letter saying it’s going to be alright
    That she was going to look after from the fuvkin grave
    Mothers day my ass
    They did the dirty
    Then you have to thank them for what
    You were their responsibility
    Not the other way around
    In one moment you kiss
    The next you are fighting
    And last they die
    And it’s all suppose to be
    The kid will be alright
    Great post Toasty
    The Sheldon Perspective

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Fuckin’ hell, you nailed it. A couple of people get together and screw, and we’re supposed to praise them on their “achievement”? NO MATTER WHAT?

      Whew. I felt that, Sheldon. I feel the pain and anger, and I’m with you 100%.

      The kid will be alright. Get over it. Worship me for having sex and reproducing – now you owe me everything, and I owe you nothing.

      Yeah.

      I feel your pain.

      I’m sorry, Sheldon. Wow.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. no toasty you got it
        I was the after thought
        Not what was on their mind
        Uncle Ben’s perverted rice
        Rite down to the bitter end
        A temple of worship
        Their Being is their religion
        The Sheldon Perspective

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Maaaaaaan. I can’t say I understand as I was traumatised horribly by everyone else asides my parents, doesn’t mean I don’t hurt for you. I really love this, I can understand the feeling behind it. Hope you’re doing ok.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Kim. And I’m sorry you can relate to abuse, no matter where it came from.

      She was actually the good one of the two. A fucking angel compared to him. And then her slow spiral until she vanished. I think that’s why it hurts so much, because we were close when I was little. I counted on her. But that was a longass time ago.

      I hope you’re doing okay, too. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My mister has more of the family issues then I do, don’t get me wrong they still did their job at fucking me up but that was through them being old and being hermits.
        I guess there’s no such thing as a great parent, but at the same time I shudder at the thought of how I’m going to be like. It’s not right to excuse anything but I guess there are reasons for everything. None of it was your fault though, you’re meant to protect your children no matter what, saying that you had to stick by him was a weak, unforgivable move on her behalf. Abuse is wrong, justifying abuse is fucked up.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Steph, for someone who has gone through all you have endured, you are simply FUCKING AMAZING. Never let anyone try to take that away from you because no matter how hard they tr, you will always be you and that is what is so fantastic. You are so totally right that you have an amazing vocabulary and because of that I can honestly see you being able to put everything into words and finally exorcising that demon that follows you around. Hopefully the departure to the PNW will act as the catalyst to put past thoughts and troubles behind you even if it is only a very small distance behind.
    You deserve to be happy and smiling and all the things that we all want and let me tell you, if anyone ever says that you are not deserving, then they are WRONG and if they persist, just send them my way and I will not miss and hit the wall with them.
    Remember Steph, you really do ROCK and you are going to be all you can be one day VERY soon.
    Keep on rocking in the free world…..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve got this big grin on my face, and you put it there. Thank you for such ridiculously kind words and encouragement, Cameron.

      I know that I’ll bring all my baggage with me to the PNW. But I can feel myself getting stronger every day. Well. Not EVERY day. I still have a LOT of shit days. But the trend remains upward, and that’s more telling than the terrible days sprinkled in!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw Sheldon, I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. I wish I had some funnies for you! I’ve been in a bit of a slump, too. Hmmm. Funnies. Laughs. Uhm. I’m surrounded by garden gnomes. Inside. In my office. They just randomly started appearing one day. Though…I guess that’s less funny and more weird. πŸ˜€

      Like

  5. No gnomes are good
    Gonads not so much
    Now that’s weird
    Stay away from the geeks
    Button the top button
    Of your shirt
    And if your going to go out to the bar
    I will take you
    Just you replying makes me feel better
    Too much back to back pain
    Day in and day out
    As always Sheldon

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Don’t worry, I don’t have gonads littered around my work area. That would be…weird indeed.

      I’m sorry for so much pain. Sounds like you could use a drink night, yourself.

      πŸ™‚

      Like

    1. Wow, Kerry. Yes, she’s untreated alcoholic bipolar. I used to think she was a 2, but I’m confident now that she’s a 1 – based on her erratic and completely irrational behaviors.

      I’m sorry, Kerry. That you relate. I’ve read some of your experiences, and you’ve related some to me as well. And I just wish I could give you a great big hug. And I’m not a hugger!

      For what it’s worth…you’re a beautiful, loving, intelligent woman who came out strong and determined on the other side. And I’m glad to know you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Awww – thank you, Steph. I am a big hugger so I am sending a virtual one back. If this helps – the old medication didn’t work that well so many people self medicated. My mum had so much electro-shock treatment that it changed her somewhat. I loved my mum despite everything and always struggled with Mother’s Day cards until I discovered that I could truthfully send her a card that said she was “special”. My husband and still laugh about that. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ha! Nice one – that was a clever way of handling the situation! Perhaps I should reach out to her, but I just…I’m just not there yet. I don’t know that I ever will be. Perhaps someday.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Ah…trauma is trauma. I know this isn’t what you were doing, but I used to downplay (at least in my own head) what I went through. I’d say things like, “What I went through is nothing compared to others.” And while that’s true in black and white – I didn’t have it nearly as bad as so so many do – it was also me disregarding or invalidating my own trauma…another way to berate myself for being too weak or not important enough. Anyway..I’m rambling. Just know that..you’re a survivor, and I admire you.

        Liked by 1 person

Lay it on me!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s