Friendly Fucks: AKA Celebrity Crushes (Possibly, Probably, Definitely Vulgar)

In need of a fun diversion, I look to my tiny little list of blog topic ideas. One of the newest entries is “My 5 Fucks.” A recent conversation about spank banks, followed by me laughing and rolling my eyes, ended in the question posed to me, you know the age-old one:

Who’s the #1 celebrity you’d like to fuck?

I balked at this, because I’m a good girl. And I replied,

Only one?! I have to choose ONE?! Impossible.

So then I was allowed to name my top five. But good girls aren’t content with odd numbers. So let’s do a top ten, shall we?

Disclaimer: It seriously took me seven fucking forevers to come up with anyone. I imagine scenarios with strangers, not celebrities. There’s your little naughty tidbit. I wouldn’t actually fuck any of these guys even if they threw themselves at me, unless, of course, we were in a loving a committed relationship. Then I’d fuck them to death. TO DEATH.

Top Ten Celebrity Crushfucks

In no particular order, I present to you a Stephellaneous Spank Bank (only Stephanie has never actually spanked to any of them – I’m making this less fun aren’t I? Shut up.):

Crushfuck #1: Ralph Fiennes

I’ve had a crush on this dude since I was a kid. Seriously. This is one on the list I might actually fuck, if only he weren’t into older women. This motherfucker ages like a fine wine. And the accent. Ah, you’ll see several accented motherfuckers on this list. Moving on.

Crushfuck #2: Jason Momoa

I know that look. Come here.
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It’s a bit early yet, but I may need to change. Ahem. On to the third candidate.

Crushfuck #3: Colin Farrell

I like my Colin like I like my dreams. Dirty. Dirty as fuck. Also arguably the hottest accent on the list. Seriously, y’all can have the clean shaven good boy look, though he does look hot in his specs. Let’s see. Ahem. Who’s next?

Crushfuck #4: Don Cheadle

One of the many on the list who is hot and known for his intellect. Just look at him. Grr.

Crushfuck #5: José Pedro Balmaceda Pascal

Oh, Oberyn Martell. Come and show me why they really called you the viper.

Crushfuck #6: Tyson Beckford

Uhm. Hold on. I need a moment. Oh! Oh yeah. I actually had Usher in this spot, but Tyson is hotter and would probably be far less likely to give me the herpes. Plus I’m starting to think I do have a think for tats.

Crushfuck #7: Omar Borkan Al Gala

This motherfucker right here is so yummy that he got kicked out of a cultural festival in Saudi Arabia, because the religious leaders feared his handsomeness would overwhelm susceptible females. That’s right. He’s from Dubai. I wonder what Dubai is like this time of year…

Crushfuck #8: Michael Fassbender

Well hello there, Michael. I’m Stephanie. Can I interest  you in breakfast? I mean a nightcap?

Crushfuck #9: Lee Byung-hun



Crushfuck #10: John Oliver

Hilarious. Whip smart. Geeky. Cute as fuck.


I need a cigarette and a cold shower. Okay, not really. These guys are hot and all. But I tend to think of people who are more real to my life.

You know who you are. And thank you..for not abandoning me..even though I can’t have you. When so many abandon, so easily breaking promises, it touches my soul that you’re still here for me.

Boom. Like a pro, Stephanie turned a fun fucking post about fun fucking into something sappy and mushy!

Enjoy the eye candy, folks. Anyone you think I missed and should be spanked for failing to include?