M is for That’s Like So Metal, Ohmygod Becky look at her butt, I mean blood

So I’m at this bar, right? I’m not actually in the bar; I’m standing outside, hiding in this little nook, waiting for someone. It’s cold. It’s fucking cold. I’m wearing two pair of socks in my docs, jeans, a cami, a t-shirt over the cami, a flannel over the t-shirt, a hoodie over the flannel, a beanie snugly perched atop my skull, and the hoodie pulled over that. As I said, fucking cold. (And apparently, that turns me into someone whom “looks like she’s standing in line for a Pearl Jam concert in 1994.”)

I’m near the East Coast now. Near. Definitely in the Eastern Time Zone (is that even what it’s called? I don’t fucking know.) Standing outside on a frigid October night. Downtown. Outside a metal bar. Yeah, you read that right. A metal bar. With this incongruous name. Like “Gilligan’s Island,” only that’s not the name, but it’s close enough to give you an idea of the incongruity.

This metal bar is a haven for disenfranchised twenty-somethings, who aren’t really disenfranchised. They just like a certain look and a certain style of music, and they think it makes them cool to pretend to be disenfranchised. It doesn’t, but they’ll figure that out in a few years. Or they won’t, and they’ll turn into the old fucker who wouldn’t leave me alone. “Why are you standing over here in the corner, looking all beautiful and alone? You’re so beautiful. You’re like an angel. Can I touch your face?” Please. Don’t. Thank you so much, but please. No. “But why are you over here in the corner? Why aren’t you out on the sidewalk with everyone else? Why aren’t you standing in the street?” (Yes, he was fucking hammered.) I’m standing here, because I’m hiding. I don’t want to be seen. I don’t want to be noticed. I’m waiting on someone, and this is where I’m comfortable waiting. “But but…” (you get the idea) So yeah. I hope they figure it out before they turn into that walking pile of sadness.

I end up trapped in my little corner (that’s what happens to corner-seekers, FYI), hemmed in by this pack of Goth Metal Grunge hybrids. Gretals? Yeah. Let’s call ’em Gretals. So the Gretals are initially three dudes. Bitching about their ex-girlfriends whom “just totally didn’t get metal, man. She like didn’t understand that there are genres within genres and shit.” (I think the word you’re looking for is “subgenre,” Gretal.)

Then their new girls show up. The ones who are “so metal, man. I’m so glad to finally have a metal bitch.” (Yeah.)  The following snippets are from the She-Gretals:

Oh my god, girl. (Restaurant X) would like ohmygod so totally hire her cuz she has dreads and everyone hires dreads like totally.”

Yeah. Their new girls are so metal, man. This was followed up by a serious conversation about how one can determine another chick’s “metalness” by the colors she dyes her hair.

And then there was this.

There are like no hot available men in (X City). And all the hot chicks are bitches, including my friends. I’m like attracted to two different types of people, so we just share each other. That’s living metal, baby.”


I feel so spooky, and I love that you’re spooky. We should fuck.

Blood wrestling. I love blood wrestling. (What’s blood wrestling, inquires He-Gretal.) It’s like when, like, instead of mud, you cut yourselves and wrestle in blood. It’s so fucking hot. And metal. (Looks at the she-gretal she keeps drooling over.) We should totally finish our wine, then blood wrestle.

Most of that was said by the she-Gretal who kept showing off pictures of a scar that looked like a skull when she pulled the bandage off. “Isn’t that like totally the most metal thing you’ve ever seen? I’m so metal right now, I can’t even.” Yeah. Neither can I.

Now, here’s the thing. I’m not a metalhead. Never have been, and I don’t pretend to be. But I have a niggling suspicion, call me crazy, that NONE of that was metal. It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. I instead entertained myself by live-texting the ridiculousness to the person I was waiting for.

Once I was rescued, we fled the scene for a bit – so as to shake the proud robber of abandoned hurricane homes. Yeah, “you’re just like a little angel lighting up the corner” dude was from Louisiana. Bragged about robbing homes of the wealthy during hurricane evacuations. Real winner, that one. (He got all mopey and apologetic when I failed to be impressed and was instead saddened by his tales. But that’s hardly a credit to him.)

Anyway. So. Hi. It’s been a long fucking time. I’m in a different place now, physically, emotionally, spiritually. But I’m here. I’m okay. And I’m actually fucking happy.



And C is for suck it, Ezekiel. I finally wrote again. Now, piss off.


42 thoughts on “M is for That’s Like So Metal, Ohmygod Becky look at her butt, I mean blood

  1. I didn’t know people actually talked like that. Saying “that’s so metal” is about as far away from metal as you can be. I’m guessing…

    I don’t really care what music is labeled as. If I like it I like it.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you! I definitely have some ‘splainin to do! 😂🙈 I’m doing great, but I just came off the worst year of my life. I suspect I’ll tell the tale soon. But for now? I’m safe and damn happy.

      How are you?!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Hahaha! Well, you’re young, so you’ve got lots of time to have worse years. But, I’m sorry it’s sucked. Shake it off.

        I’m glad to hear things are good now. Can’t wait to hear these tales you speak of. Im curious how you’ve ended up east and in the cold looking like you’re going to a grunge concert in ‘93. 😃😃

        As for me? Just livin’ the dream, man. Boys are growin’, I’m agin’, and it all feels beautifully surreal. You know, the usual.

        Great to hear from you. Don’t be a stranger, dammit! 😎

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Absolutely shaking it off! I should say it was the worst year of my adult life, but yeah. It was fucking brutal…but I learned a lot, and I’m a hell of a lot stronger for it. And landed in an even better place than Portland. What!! Quelle surprise!

        I’m so glad to hear you’re livin’ the dream, man! So balky to hear that!

        And I’ll work on the stranger shit. Working on it is a definite promise. Again. 🌸

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Aye aye, cap’n! Kickin’ ass and takin’ names. I think I’m finally coming into myself. My real self, internally. Externally. Just. Finally freeing myself to be myself.

        Fucking great to talk with you. 🌸

        Liked by 2 people

      4. I’m so cold! I think I’m getting more and more cold-natured as the years tick by. This used to be t-shirt weather for me, maybe a thin hoodie. But now, I’m all layered up and still shivering. Not complaining – I love the crisp, chill fall weather. Just wasn’t prepared for it – especially how early and suddenly it hits here!

        Blood wrestling…🤮😂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Quix! I’m so glad to be back…and so happy to be chatting with you. You’re an absolute favorite. 🙂

      Thank you, endlessly, for your sweet and awesome words. I’m kinda speechless over it…just know that it means more than I know how to express.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you! Oh girl, it sounds like you had a rough go with that Dirk guy. I look forward to hearing more about it, though I suspect it wasn’t a very pleasant experience. You moved to Portland, right? When did you return to the East coast?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It was rough…the roughest experience of my adult life. But I’ve come out the better for it. 🙂

        I moved to Portland, yes…then ended up back in Louisiana for a bit. I’ve been east for a couple months now and loving it!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. What did you think of Portland? I visited a friend there once and I found it depressing. I guess I had gotten used to everyone smiling and being friendly (I live in North Carolina) that it felt “cold” there (and I don’t mean physically).

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Hmm, that’s a good point. I loved Portland, as far as things to see and do and experience. But it was cold in that way, and there was a good deal of falseness and pretension.

        To be fair, I wasn’t there long and wasn’t pushing myself as much as I should have been to get out and experience more.

        Where I am now reminds me of Portland, but smaller, more accessible, and infinitely friendlier. ☺️


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