I deserve toys, too: The things that matter most

I’ve decided to stage a boycott of all major fast food restaurants. Or at least the ones that serve kids’ meals with those cheap little toys.

“Oh, Stephanie,” you exclaim with watering eyes and upturned brows, hands clasped to your chest. “You’ve finally turned your back on the mystery meat that is McDonald’s “chicken” nuggets. No longer will your lips taste the greasy goodness of the pink mystery sludge patted into burger shaped rounds.” Your breast will swell with pride as you fiercely hug me to you.

Oh how wrong you are, sweet naive friends. How wrong you are. I’m talking about the things that matter most!

You see, I’ve finally had enough of the rampant discrimination perpetrated by the like of McDonald’s and Burger King. No more will I sit in silence, tacitly agreeing to their shameless exclusion of 67.314% of the population.

I want, nay, demand toys for adults in our meals. Why should children be the only ones to experience the utter delight of ripping open a tiny plastic package to reveal the colorful minitreasure inside, so lovingly crafted by outsourced child labor in third world countries?

Adults of the world, unite! Boycott these purveyors of sub-par grub until they acquiesce to our demands!

We should open the grease-stained sacks of our number three combos and find our own little treasures. Treasures like:

~ A mini bottle of Sutter Home wine.
~ A packet of Excedrin Migraine.
~ A sticky note pad and Sharpie so you can leave Passive Aggressive Notes on windshields of no-parking sonsofbitches.
~ A bottle of nail polish.
~ A tube of hemorrhoid cream.
~ A muzzle for that one pesky coworker (or kid) that just won’t shut the fuck up.

Imagine the possibilities! I know you’re with me on this! Stand up, raise your fists into the air and tell those motherfuckers we deserve toys, too!