File this bitch under pet peeves or something because damn, this gets under my skin. And I think it’s the kind of thing that is greatly exaggerated and exacerbated by working in an office environment. (P.S. The word is exacerbated. I didn’t say masturbated. I would never say masturbated. Especially not on my blog. I mean who talks about masturbation on their blogs? Perverts, that’s who. So I definitely did not say masturbated. But I digress.)
Gather round, Peoplleaneous, and watch as the the comedy horror unfolds.
~
All the World’s a Clock, and All the Office Workers Stand by in Shock: A Prophetic Glimpse into 2016
Brought to you by: Stephellaneous
Sponsored by: Miller Father Time
(Names changed to protect the innocent idiots.)
Act One: Shock and Awe
Kim in the Kitchen with Tea: Ohmygosh, y’all! Can you BELIEVE it’s January?
Jim in the Kitchen with Kim: I know, right? How did we get here?
Kim in the Kitchen with Tea: I wish I could tell ya! I just can’t believe it’s a whole ‘nother year!
Tim Passing through the Kitchen with Kim and Jim: I don’t think I’ll ever get used to writing 2016, instead of 2015. *grumbles*
Kim in the Kitchen with Tea and Jim and Tim: OH-HIIIII Stephanie! We were just saying how we can’t BELIEVE it’s January! Can you BELIEVE?
Stephanie in the Kitchen with Side-Eye: WHAT?!?! No way, man! Seems like this happened last year, too!!
*Uncomfortable laughter and mild confusion*
Stephanie, Glutton for Punishment that she is, Keeps Going: I mean, seriously! I’ve already been through 35 Januaries! I don’t understand how this keeps happening!
*Like cockroaches, the idiots scatter.*
Stephanie calls after them: Wait! We haven’t even discussed the fact that it’s Monday! Again! What is the deal with Mondays?
Act Two: The Lemmings Accept Defeat
Yvonne in the john: *sighs*
Gloria, the Perpetual Grump: What’s your problem?
Yvonne: It’s already April. Can you BELIEVE it’s already April?
Grumpy Gloria: Yeah, I can believe it. But you think you’ve got it bad? I hate Aprils. It’s just my luck it’s April.
Yvonne: Hm, now that you mention it, Aprils are kinda gloomy with all that rain.
Grumpy Gloria: Story of my life. As if I wasn’t suffering enough.
Stephanie:
Act Three: Mass Confusion and Fear
Tony the Brony: Son of a…biscuit!
Betsy the Bewildered: Huh? What happened? What’s wrong? Are you mad at me? Is it raining? Is there any fresh coffee?
Tony the Brony, looking like a deer in headlights: No, wife just texted. Kids get outta school in two weeks.
Betsy the Bewildered: Oh. I don’t understand. Can’t you just put them in summer school or something? Also, you have kids??
Tony the Brony: I don’t know what I’m gonna do! I don’t understand how the school year flies by so fast like it does every fucking year in the history of ever!
Stephanie pours fuel on the fire: Yeah, and it’s gonna be sooooo hot. You know. Because summer. And they’ll want to be inside. All the time.
Tony the Brony: They’re going to eat me alive! I can’t handle this! Hashtag OMG! Hashtag FML! Hashtag I can’t even!
Stephanie the Asshole: Well, there’s always crack.
Tony the Brony: *blinks*
Stephanie: Get them hooked on crack. That way they’ll rob you once instead of slowly milking you for the rest of your life. Then they’ll move on to the street corner and live outside. Problem solved. You won’t even have to feed them.
Tony the Brony: *lays his head down on the desk and whispers* You’re evil.
Betsy the Bewildered: I don’t know what crack is, but that didn’t sound very nice.
Act Four: The Anticipation is Killing Them (but not fast enough)
Tony the Brony returns: Son of a…biscuit!
Betsy the Bewildered: Huh? What happened? What’s wrong? Are you mad at me? Is it raining? Is there any fresh coffee?
Tony the Brony, looking like a deer in headlights: No, wife just texted. Kids go back to school in two weeks.
Betsy the Bewildered: Oh. I don’t understand. Can’t you just home-school them or something? Also, you have kids??
Tony the Brony: I don’t know what I’m gonna do! I don’t understand how the summer flies by so fast like it does every fucking year in the history of ever! I can’t afford this!
Kim in the Kitchen with Tea: I’m so excited! And I just can’t fight it!
Tony the Brony: What’s up?
Kim in the Kitchen with Tea: The kids go back to school in two weeks! I won’t have to deal with them anymore! And then it’ll be fall! And cooler weather! And pumpkins! And spicy lattes! And! And! Hooray!
Tony the Brony: Hmm. Yeah, I won’t have to deal with mine anymore, either! Now they’re someone else’s problem! And also, here comes No Shave November! Yay!
Stephanie Swoops in to Save the Day: There’s always boarding school.
*two sets of eyes blink back at her*
Stephanie Saving the Day: That way you’d never have to deal with them again!
Act Five: D is for Denial and Doom
Whiny Wendy: I’m so depressed. I can’t believe the year is almost gone. It’s already November. How is it November? Where did it come from?
Virulent Vicky: Well at least you don’t have to six kids to buy presents for.
Stephanie tries to be reasonable: You don’t have to buy presents, you know.
*Stephanie is resoundingly ignored.*
Whiny Wendy: But I don’t understand how we got here. It will be 2017 before you know it. How does this happen? I haven’t even gotten used to writing 2016 yet. Hashtag FML.
Virulent Vicky: Well at least you don’t have in-laws and extended family descending upon your house for three weeks. Vultures, all of them. I hate them all. Hashtag FML.
Whiny Wendy: What am I gonna do? I didn’t keep my New Years’ Resolutions for this year! And now I have to make new ones!
Virulent Vicky: Oh who cares. I’ve got it way worse than you. Why does this shit keep happening to me? It’s like everyone is out to get me. It couldn’t possibly get any worse!
Stephanie tries once more: I hear ya. It’s tough living in Sudan.
*two sets of eyes blink back at her*
Whiny Wendy: What’s that supposed to mean? I don’t get it.
Virulent Vicky: It means she’s an asshole. Let’s go. I need to do a passive-aggressive post on Facebook about her and about how much it sucks to be forced to spend $2,000 on Christmas presents.
The End.
Perfection!
Then there’s the co-worker who insists on greeting everyone everyday with “It’s [insert day of week here].” One day I will punch this person and get fired. Then how’m I supposed to know what day it is? Life sucks…
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Every. Single. Day! EVERY DAY! It drives me batshit! And it doesn’t help that I play along instead of punching them in the throats! Wait. Maybe that is helping. Helping me stay out of prison and also remain gainfully employed. 😀
P.S. I cannot even begin to count how many times I’ve been reminded that today is Friday!
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I think I did that. Oops.
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I don’t mind, “Happy Friday.” I’m super happy it’s Friday – working in the daily 8 to 5 grind, I look forward to Friday. But the same three or four women reminded me no fewer than a dozen times that it was Friday today. 😀
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Whew! Thought I was going to feel the wrath…
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Nah…it’s more of the same ole shit out of the same people’s mouths every single day. It’s like they’re recordings and they just replay themselves over and over again on loop.
Not the same as your greeting to me.
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Brilliant as always 😀.
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Aw yay! Thank you! 😀
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Hehe, love this. Oh please let these people actually be your work colleagues. Except, well that would be rubbish for you. I am guilty of the whole ‘where are the weeks going?’ musing however, I just get sucked in…
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Oh they ARE my colleagues. How I wish they were not…but don’t let me fool you. I’ve definitely been sucked in before, too. And a little more dies inside every time I join in. 😀
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If this stitch splitting tv show were a blog, I’d read it like, always. Honest.
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Hahaha! Yay! You flatter me, truly. Thank you! 🙂
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So apt! On an international scale
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Thank you! 🙂
They’ve gone global. We may need to come up with a plan to thwart them soon.
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And speaking of … (remember way up at the beginning)
So my wife has MS (Muliple Sclerosis). Diagnosed a decade or so ago. (It is what it is)
Anyway I am dictating an email on my iPad to family friends not spoken to or seen for some time. They are staunch Baptists.
I dictated the email. Was ready to send when I decided to proof read it.
What I said: “She is suffering from an MS exacerbation”
What I read: “She is suffering from excess masturbation”
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Ahahaha! Why oh why would it autocorrect and think that excess masturbation is cause for suffering? Wait. Nevermind. I just filled in my own blanks. (I know, I know. That’s what she said. I’m full of it today, I tell you.)
Thank you for sharing this…I needed some extra laughs.
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“That’s what she said” is the snappy comeback that 60% of the time works every time!
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I use it entirely too much and with The Worst People. I really need to stop saying it when 60 year old women say something highly sexual without knowing it.
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At 62 I refuse to abandon my 17 year-old self 🙂
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GOOD! That makes me so happy to hear! I never intend to abandon that snarky 17-year-old, either! Rawr!
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Actually that is the best time to say it 🙂
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hehehehe…the particular woman I have in mind thinks I’m the devil!
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Ha! Funny as hell… which may not be so funny for some, but like others of our ilk, I thoroughly enjoy the twist in your sense of humor! 🙂
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Thank you! Means a lot to me, and I’m glad you got a kick out of it! 😀
I’m a mixture of up and down today. Kind of a hyper happy angry mix of crazy. It probably shows!
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It’s all good if at the end of the day you can look back and laugh about just one thing that happened – even on the really crazy/angry/hyper days. 😉
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ROFLMAO! No joke. My sides hurt. You really need to do standup because this shit is absolutely amazing! I love your candor and the level of sarcasm in this post makes me so happy. Thanks for the nice Friday afternoon chuckle! :-):
“I mean, seriously! I’ve already been through 35 Januaries! I don’t understand how this keeps happening!”
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Hehehe…you flatter me. The fact that you laughed so hard it caused you bodily harm makes me giddy. Giddy as a … uhm. Giddy as a giddy person.
Woo! Boogie!
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There’s always crack… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh my word! I loved that one!!!! You are hilarious! Thank you for making me laugh first thing in the morning 😀
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Yes! Score! Thank you…that makes me so happy! 😀
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The names! The having certain characters speak in Hashtag. Laughing so hard my sides hurt!
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Ehehehe….yes! Thank you! 😀
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Yowaza, do we work together? ‘Cause I don’t drink tea in the kitchen with Jim, but I do let Alex eat nuts from the nut sack that I keep in my drawer…good for prostate health he tells me….Brazil nuts….mmmmm…
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OH. MY. GOD. I HAVE DIED. Hahahahaha!!!!!!! NUTS FROM THE NUT SACK. BECAUSE.
Dead. I’m dead now.
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Okay, it’s just a ziplock but we call it the nut sack….today I brought the crew in coffee cake and salted caramel bars but no fear, there was no coffee harmed in the making of the cake….I think…I bought it…someone else choked the beans. Laughing with ya😊
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…I want to come work with you!
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They’re already whining how sad they’ll be when I’m gone…I’m not dying, just moving…someday….then I shall have crabs….not the nasty bed kind, the cute ones that crawl into your shoes on the beach…..you can have my job….but you gotta buy cake…and nuts and most importantly gummy bears…..don’t forget the gummies….
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No no no, it’ll be no fun without you there. I used to have crab, once upon a time. Singular. I named her Shelly. How unoriginal of me!
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I would have thought Hermie…..🦀🦀🦀
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That just makes me think hermaphrodite.
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I was thinking Hermie the Hermit😀 just nominated you for a challenge….pop in and see😀
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Okie😜
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This brightened my day a little bit.
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And that brightened mine. 🙂
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brilliant writing
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That coming from you…consider me deeply flattered. Thank you.
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seriously. you are a writer. I dabble in verses trying to make them flow to resemble a poem.
You write with precision…
Stephellaneous the Storytelleous lol
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I want to argue with you and point out all the flaws I see (in me). But I’m working on that, so I won’t. But I am truly grateful. Storytelleous… 😁😁
Same goes to you, though. You call it dabbling; I call it some of the only poetry I’ll read because it’s exquisite. I can’t think of an emotion you haven’t drawn up in me.
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lets agree to accept our own flaws (I have so many I wouldn’t know where to start lol)
Thank you for your kindness and glad we connected. Have a gorgeous weekend 🙂 xx
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Deal. I’m glad we connected as well. I hope you have a lovely weekend. 🙂
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Please, please tell me that you made all the scenarios up, because if such idiots exist in the world, I’m gonna “get myself hooked on crack”.
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Hahaha! I hate to break it to ya, but they are all at least loosely based on people I currently work with. I did take some liberties, but it stayed true to the spirit of each of them.
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I’m getting me some crack….wait, I need some’in stronga.
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I’m fresh outta crack, but I could bust open the bottle of tequila I’ve had on standby for a couple months.
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Thanks, mighty gen’rous of ya. What’you gonna drink?
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I like to just do slammers. Tequila, sprite, triple sec, maybe a grape in there for funsies. But on that list, I only have tequila and triple sec in the house. Wonder how it would go in ginger beer?
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Ginger beer goes well with EVERYTHING.
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Then it is decided! Cheers!
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Oh, one more thing: I’d like to buy some smartass comebacks off ya. How much they goin’ for?
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’bout three fiddy. Ha! You can have ’em…I usually think of them after and kick myself for seven forevers for not being quick enough!
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There’s always next week, or next year, or next whatever. Same intellectually stimulating conversations every single day/week/year, right?
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Without fail, to my everlasting frustration!
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Next line of poem:
How I long for sweet oblivion!
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Ooo, I like the way that flows!
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You MUST flesh this out into a script!
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Ohmygosh and I totally forgot about the wandering cursing rabbi (he’s NOT a rabbi)…hmm I’ll have to find a spot for him. 😂
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🙂 Absolutely!
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Ha! I would totally punch the person who kept reminding me that today is Friday as well since I work an off kilter schedule where Friday is always my Monday! It’s bad enough that the overly perky radio DJ who needs her throat ripped out via the anus has to announce that fact between almost every song…
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Cool third party masturbation. 😉
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