Sometimes I think about weird things. Weird, random things about which I have no clue where my curiosity came from.
Exhibit A: Getting ready for work this morning, the following thought train barreled through my head.
I wonder how many people snore while they’re in comas.
…
Seriously, can people snore while comatose?
Ohmygod, can you imagine? What if you had to share a room with a comasnorer?
What if you were a comasnorer’s nurse or hospice person thingy?
Can you imagine sitting bedside and listening to twelve hours of chainsaw snoring?
…
…
For twenty fucking years?!
An entire lifetime of comasnoring?!
…
I FUCKING HATE YOU, COMASNORERS!
I pose the question to a friend. Who promptly destroys my perfectly rational comasnore rage with less rational reasonable rationale. Yes. Less rational rationale. Shit about life support and definitions of coma and blah blah blah. Thanksafuckinglot, Ezekiel, for derailing my thought train. Again.
~
Exhibit B: Whose idea was it to remove all the bones from chicken? You know. For boneless chicken.
What sick fucks figured out how to debone an entire chicken, leaving slabs of seemingly undamaged chicken meat stuff after?
Dude. I wish I had that patent. Imagine how much boneless chicken I could afford.
…
Wait.
Wait a damn minute.
EGGS.
Eggs are chicken. Right?
Those motherfuckers are boneless!
CHICKEN CAME UP WITH BONELESS CHICKEN! They…they literally gave birth to it!
I don’t know what to do with this information. But I’m glad to have it.
~
Exhibit C: Have you ever wondered how many people, in any given moment, are shitting at the exact same time?
I have. Especially Monday. I thought it a lot on Monday.
Like…what if we could harness all the pushing power happening this very second?
I bet we could circumnavigate the globe.
Repeatedly.
Maybe rocket straight to Jupiter.
With all the horse ass power happening simultaneously each and every minute.
I mean, I’m guessing it would be a messy ride. But still.
DUDES.
This is useful information. To whom, I know not. But I know it’s useful! It’s probably not useful.
~
I know I’m not alone here. What’s the most recent weird shit you remember thinking?
KFC and Colonel Sanders figured out how to genetically modify chicken without heads and without anything but meat…it’s a horrendous thing.
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Oh. Dear. God. Noooooo. You’re totally serious, aren’t you?
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Well…. I’m serious in that is a rumor I have heard, but I don’t have any firsthand knowledge…
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Heh. Dude. I would NOT be surprised at this point.
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Sadly, I would not be either… LOL
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Wait! Eggs have exoskeletons. Does that make a chicken a crustacean?
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IT TOTALLY DOES.
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I like that idea of taking a shit at the same time
Plus we should add just taping the sounds we all make
With Pink Floyd in the background
What cinematic experience that would make
For their next come back concert
Comfortably Numb pt. 2
Just for Shit and Giggles Tour
The Sheldon Perspective
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Hahaha! Ahhhhh no way, man! I’m not listening to that! But I’m all for the tour name. š
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Look if you can think
you can listen
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If I take anything away from this it will be two things:
1) You’re still awesome and I love you
2) We have, at some point, Pooped at the same time.
ā¤ (way uncomfortable heart emoji)
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Hahaha! Oh hell, way to make it personal, Eric! š š
ā¤
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š š š Free of charge!! LOL!
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š
Wait a minute.
Had you considered charging me for this?!
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Nah…I think you are still within your 90 day evaluation period. You can cancel at any time. š
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Hmm. I like the idea of an evaluation.
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However I think if you hang in there you get a free set of Encyclopedias..or some shit…
š
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Dude, those are worth a lot of money now! I’m in!
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Hmmmm…ok. Wait….are you trying to be friends with me, just to get an encyclopedia collection?
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Wait.
Wait.
That’s not at all what I meant.
Where’s my publicist?
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…..Steph…I thought what we had was real……..i….I’m not sure I can process this right now……
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Wait! Wait! Think of it as an investment!
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…I dunno…I had a cheese burger for lunch…I should probably get to the bathroom soon…but now I’m self conscious about the fact that we might poop at the same time….
damn…..I have no idea what to do now…everything I thought I’ve known has been a lie……
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Not THAT sort of investment!
And relax, it’s not like you told anyone you have to poop.
…….
Oops.
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DAMN IT!!! …….
Ok ok…..I guess we need to work out a schedule now…….
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Hahaha! Oh dear…I didn’t think this through!
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Apparently not!!
I’ll take odd days of the week and sunday mornings between 9:30 and 10:45
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That’s…oddly specific of you, Eric. For Sunday mornings, I mean…
Also. You’re not planning to poop on even days?! (I mean, aside from Sunday.)
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Well we have to do something! We can’t just leave it like this. We’ve made a royal mess.
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Speaking of messes, I suppose you’ll need puppy pads on your off days?
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Great! Another expense!! ……yes
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We’ll use the encyclopedia fund.
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Now we have to sell the encyclopedias? Great there goes our profit
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I told you it’s an investment! Better that shitting on the carpet!
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At this rate we might end up having to shit outside…and then let me tell you…you have some life choices to make….there are ant piles in Louisiana, Stephanie….big ones…..they are everywhere…and they are evil.
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I know! I live here, remember!
Ugghhhh fireants on the ass. No thanks!
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At least we agree on something. š
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Finally! š
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Ha! Love you Steph. That was fun! Have a good evening, Lady!
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Hehe you, too!!
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And wait a minute. You need the ENTIRE DAY on odd days?!
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Well I can’t take the chance of us running into each other
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That leaves me to wonder what manner of hell you’re ingesting on even days.
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Tacos
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Say no more…
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As it happens, I can speak to the first two thoughts on your list. Re #1: I was in a coma for two months a long time ago, and if you’re that tore up to be in a coma, you probably have other shit going on, like respirators and feeding tubes. Which I had. So, no, I didn’t snore during that time. And being in a coma isn’t like they show on the movies where you’re just laying there eyes closed. I would look around and respond to people, squeeze hands, wiggle toes, smile. (My mom told me all this.) She even made a letter board for me to spell out words to communicate. She had a notebook I wrote notes in: “Move the TV, please.” I remembered my manners.
Re #2: I worked at KFC for four years. I deboned chicken on the regular for things like the BBQ sandwiches, and would threaten my male friends to debone them. Its a party trick that I still pull out at parties, like Thanksgiving.
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So, you may not have been asking, and of course, this is just my experience, but there you are. š
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Always welcome to chat and share. š
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I knew I was under-thinking it, but I have to say – I never realized some people in comas would be so responsive while comatose. Thank you for the feedback!
Will you debone all my poultry? š
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The most recent weird shit thing I have thought is “What other weird shit goes on in Steph’s mind…..!”
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HAHAHA!
I’ve wondered if we could train raccoons to do mundane things like tie our shoes or wash the dishes. They have such dexterous little hands!
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They do but that would be the problem, the small hands…. Imagine all of the broken crockery? Imagine the carnage they would cause if they got bored….. š
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Hmm. Right you are. However…sometimes we need a bit of carnage to liven things up!
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No! I like things Shipshape and Bristol fashion…. š
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Hmmm
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…perhaps I’ll trap one and let it loose at work.
Nah. These crazy people are all armed. I don’t want to get the little thing murdered.
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That would NOT go down well!!
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But it would be epic! Dude, most of my FB “friends” are coworkers who found me. And then pestered me in person to accept them. I’ve had to unfollow all but two or three…the rest of them deserve the Wrath of Khoon!
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That sounds like a nasty complaint to be sure. I wonder if you can get a cream for it?!!!
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Hahaha ewwww. There’s no cream that can fix their stupid. Hence the raccoon army!
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š
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I took my morning BM at 10:20am, EDT. Just logging – heh – in for the record.
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I’ll make a note. With the pencil I use to work things out.
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What freaks me out is the amount of shit floating around beneath us since we all shit so much. Like, where does it REALLY go?!
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Dude. Seriously. I hadn’t even thought that far, but you just know there’s shit everywhere!
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Well, if he KEEPS snoring, he’s GONNA be in a coma. Real soon.
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Exactly! š (I say this as a snorer. But I don’t bother myself when I do….)
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